Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

My mother in law swung over today. She will be 70 in December. 
 

She started telling me how exciting it is to get her 70th Birthday present early - afternoon tea at the Ritz! - from her daughter. 
 

My husband turns to me and says, “Is that something you’d like to do?” Knowing fine well it is definitely not my kinda scene.

 

”I’d rather go skydiving.” 
 

My mother in law looks totally baffled, then laughs like it is a joke. “You what?!”

 

”Y’know… have someone take you up of course, then just, throw yourself out the plane!”

 

”Oh! Oh, no thanks.” Shaking her head. She’s looking at me like I’m going through a crisis.

 

D is smiling. ”You could do it, if you wanted too Lo.” 
 

“It’s the cost though darling, it‘s not a cheap hobby.” 
 

“Well the price justifies it being a once in a lifetime thing!” He retorts.

 

”Yeah but, if I do it once, I think I’m gonna want to do it… every week.”

 

My mother in law is shaking her head. 
 

“What? What is this? Skydiving!” 

 

I have a serious obsession at the moment to go do a damn sky dive! SOD YOUR LITTLE SANDWICHES OKAY! 🤣

 

x

 

 

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, mylolita said:

”Yeah but, if I do it once, I think I’m gonna want to do it… every week.”

My sister did it once. I'm adventurous and daring, but I never had any desire to skydive. Weekly horseback riding scratched that itch for me 😄

[Seraphim]

My brother did it once , never again he said . 

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

My sister did it once. I'm adventurous and daring, but I never had any desire to skydive. Weekly horseback riding scratched that itch for me 😄

Maybe I wouldn’t even be able to leave the plane! Maybe I would be ADDICTED like the adrenaline junkie I am! I read about people having life crippling accidents - I think I would rather not survive. It is irresponsible to do it probably when you have young children, or children in general, but then again, so is driving 170mph. I don’t know 🥲

 

We have so much to spend on at the moment that it is ridiculous to even find the time or money to be going out and indulging whims like that but then again I just went on an impulsive shopping spree which I am massively regretting like; what was I THINKING?! Probably NOT AT ALL that’s the PROBLEM YOU IDIOT! 🥳

 

x

 

 

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

My brother did it once , never again he said . 

What was his experience Seraphim?

 

Intriguing!!!!!!

 

x

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

What was his experience Seraphim?

 

Intriguing!!!!!!

 

x

My brother and I are horrified of heights but he went once and they literally almost had to push him out . The person who touched down before him broke his ankle. 
 

My brother and I have been repelling though many times in the military though. 

[mylolita]

Just now, Seraphim said:

My brother and I are horrified of heights but he went once and they literally almost had to push him out . The person who touched down before him broke his ankle. 
 

My brother and I have been repelling though many times in the military though. 

Oh dear! 
 

Well that might be one way to overcome a fear! 
 

You were in the military too Seraphim?

 

x

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Oh dear! 
 

Well that might be one way to overcome a fear! 
 

You were in the military too Seraphim?

 

x

I was , yes, for 13 years.( 1992-2005) My brother and I were medical assistants like our dad. My husband has been in the military since 1986.

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I was , yes, for 13 years.( 1992-2005) My brother and I were medical assistants like our dad. My husband has been in the military since 1986.

That is very cool Seraphim!

 

I must say, thank you for your service! What a job!

 

We have friends in the military but no family apart from someone quite far removed. I always think; hats off! 

I imagine you might have some stories to tell, your husband as well!

 

x

[BecxyRex]

Oh man I would crap myself! I already get anxious flying in a plane, so probably no skydiving for me. Paragliding though 🧐

[mylolita]

8 hours ago, BecxyRex said:

Oh man I would crap myself! I already get anxious flying in a plane, so probably no skydiving for me. Paragliding though 🧐

People paraglide round where we live! The cliffs are perfect for it! Looks really relaxing Bex! Just slowly floating down, falling with style! 
 

How’s your new house going? I’ve been on a mad declutter/sort out/tidying spree 🫡

 

x

[mylolita]

Just now, mylolita said:

People paraglide round where we live! The cliffs are perfect for it! Looks really relaxing Bex! Just slowly floating down, falling with style! 
 

How’s your new house going? I’ve been on a mad declutter/sort out/tidying spree 🫡

 

x

PS I would probably bottle it once it came to the crunch too! I’m all talk man 🥴

 

x

[mylolita]

 

When you pole dance but also obsessively read 📖 

 

Don’t let the six inch heels fool you, we’re often not too dumb. We have a big heart.

 

If I don’t express myself, I’ll die x

[Jibralta]

20 hours ago, mylolita said:

Maybe I wouldn’t even be able to leave the plane!

I could see myself like that, frozen at the door (or the hatch or whatever). But I can also see it being a lot of fun. And addictive.... probably best not to start lol!

There was a photographer there when my sister did it. It's funny what happens to your face and your skin with all of that velocity!

[dias]

That's a proper library. It's the ideal environment for work, incentivises you to learn (many kind of things) and be creative!

[BecxyRex]

12 hours ago, mylolita said:

People paraglide round where we live! The cliffs are perfect for it! Looks really relaxing Bex! Just slowly floating down, falling with style! 
 

How’s your new house going? I’ve been on a mad declutter/sort out/tidying spree 🫡

 

x

That does sound perfect! We don’t have high enough hills around here I’m afraid lol 

house is coming along! Little one had a play date yesterday so I’ve been cleaning up spilled beads all around the house 😵‍💫

[mylolita]

On 6/15/2022 at 12:22 PM, dias said:

That's a proper library. It's the ideal environment for work, incentivises you to learn (many kind of things) and be creative!

I work inside my mind Dias so anywhere is fine by me! 
 

x

[mylolita]

On 6/15/2022 at 12:22 PM, Jibralta said:

I could see myself like that, frozen at the door (or the hatch or whatever). But I can also see it being a lot of fun. And addictive.... probably best not to start lol!

There was a photographer there when my sister did it. It's funny what happens to your face and your skin with all of that velocity!

No photographs please at my time of reckless reckoning! 🤣

 

x

[mylolita]

Asking myself why I thought this was a good idea… for the second time round.

 

We’re supposed to be moving into our new house in two weeks time. And the rooms look like this, at absolute best:

 

The other rooms are either total building sites with trenches dug out of the concrete floor where plumbing has been laid or the third floor is totally open with a hole in the roof waiting for a large sky light that should have been fitted a week back. Hardly anything has come on time or been on track. 
 

I have completely wrote off the idea a kitchen will be even started by time we move in. Here goes again, same old, just like the other house, where I shut off the empty room and just had a table with a grill and a microwave and kettle and a free standing fridge freezer until we work out what to do and get our hands on a plumber and a cabinet maker and some cold hard cash, for a start. Last time round I was 25 and had no babies. Now, I’m supposed to be a responsible parent who doesn’t start building projects she can’t finish on time! 

 

The last house ended up, so well for us. It was stressful and the best art of 6 years and a huge, huge renovation for first time buyers. This time round we have three kids under 4 and where as we didn’t care about camping out for awhile, this time around, I DO need at least one loo to be plumbed in and I DO need at least a bath or shower to be plumbed in and I DO need some carpet and a few rooms that are painted and a safe haven. I think it will all pull together in the next month. I just don’t want to move the kids to yet another holiday home. Our time here is up, the owner needs it back.

 

I keep telling myself it will all be worth it again and in a few months time I will be sat in another dream like home to my design and vision and the short term discomfort will have meant something, but I feel extremely irresponsible and selfish right now, because of the kids. Their bedroom will be done and furnished but we both thought the whole house would have been near completed by now and we could cut the ribbon and say, hey kids! Here’s your new pad! 
 

D, who rarely gets stressed, has been tossing and turning all night worrying about sorting everything out in time and coming up with more money to finish the thing. He went to bed early. I was still downstairs. He text me saying “It’s late. I can’t sleep.” I could tell he’s turning things over in his mind. We’ve blown through about 100k in 8 weeks. No wonder he is sweating tonight. 
 

Maybe the simple life is better for a reason. I don’t want my husband, just turned 41, to die of a heart attack by time this years up. I think once this house is finished we need to slow right down. He is desperate to get back into his business. So many distractions, house included. 
 

I guess this is all very technical and boring right now. Why should anyone care about another self inflicted mess we have come out of just to put ourselves right back into again?

 

I think the accumulative stress of not being settled since we sold our hold house in November is catching up too me. Jumped from holiday let to holiday let, always needing “more time”. Now crunch time is looming and I know D has been scrambling for some breathing space. We could go to my aunts, we could stay there. I don’t want to do it anymore, I just want to be in, even if it means work going on around us. 
 

And this is why my head is in the clouds and I need to take a reality check - I’m sat here thinking about how to organise my wardrobe and where it will go in our bedroom and how to arrange my gorgeous little boxes and a whole floor of the house isn’t even plastered yet. What an idiot! 
 

My Dad was on the phone to me today offering us a place but I’d seriously rather not. And he was fretting about how we took out one of the floors and vaulted the roof. And I said, we have a structural engineer, an architect and a builder look at it and sign it off, what more can you do to tick the boxes? He is such a worrier. I mean, I get it. From the outside looking in, I get it. You’d just think, oh my God, they’re crazy. 
 

According to those personality tests I am easily stressed out (true!) but one of the best personality types for dealing with stress (how does that make any sense at all?!?) which means, okay, I just distract myself from it, right? Which is another way of saying, you bury your head in the sand? 
 

I keep picturing how great Christmas is going to be in our finished, Victorian house, with the fire on. Oh boy! Am I a dreamer or what. I hope I am actually being realistic this time. If the whole thing doesn’t financially cripple us. Savings? What are they again? HA! 
 

Are you stressed? 
 

I didn’t think so, but then again, when I realised how little time we had and that there was nowhere left to go, I went into the under stair cupboard and had a pity party cry for ten minutes. Sat on the kids bean bag in the dark.

 

First world problems, you a*****e, just get a grip and girl, get your paint gear on for Gods sake! 
 

Self inflicted, as b****y always!

 

I could go on.

 

x

[mylolita]

I think it’s too late to turn back, get a cabin, live a minimalist lifestyle… wear plaid. 
 

Glamour or nothing, to the death, to the wire of it all. Why?! 
 

Maybe that is why people keep commenting that I am young, or, “You’re too young to be buying that house!” Or, “Lovely to see a young mum for once!” 
 

I think it might be my immature attitude maybe, projecting. The ditz of me. Like, the aura of an 18 year old pinching herself all the while wondering how this can be happening and how lucky and how entangled this all is, making people think I’m 26 or something. Just a dumbfounded girl vibe, probably. Does anyone really know what they’re doing? If you tell me you do, I don’t believe you. Admit it, and let’s move on.

 

I mean… at least I admit it, right? You won’t find me pretending I have a grand plan for all or anything, any of it. What does it all mean? Whatever you want it to mean. Whatever you make it, my dear.

 

Right now, it means… how am I gonna swing this and also, can I get 50k up in here?! I guess it means, trying to build a lovely family home where we can settle for a lifetime. And, I have my own off shoot agendas. I keep myself afloat peddling ideas of style and flare and silly notions that come up into my head and turning ideas and cleaning and playing with the kids and taking walks. Everyone walking around like they’re not just gonna die. How morbid is it. I’m trying to pick out wall lights and I’m thinking, this whole thing, things like this, everything, is all just one big distraction for our consciousness that tells us, the end is there, right round that corner.

 

Is that just messed up? To have those thoughts drift up whilst you’re planning a family home? Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. 
 

I realise I get morbid and preoccupied like this with the negative when I haven’t been social enough. Not enough time with D, by far lately. Not enough time with anyone who means something to me apart from my beautiful kids. Sometimes, when you’re under the cosh, you need someone aside from your partner in crime to offload upon. I just don‘t have that. And why should anyone be bothered anyway? Who wants to hear about financial stresses you have actively put yourself under, when you know fine well? 
 

It doesn’t exactly garner sympathy, and I don’t expect it. 
 

Oh man, this life. Just a season. I hear people say that sometimes, often Americans. I find it cute and wholesome sounding. I could imagine a hefty mama of 8 saying it sat in her rocker with a baby in her arms. “Just a season in life, little darlin”

 

Why that is comforting, I don‘t know, but it just is.

 

My son today told me he loved me so so so much! More than I could ever know. And “I do so love your face Mammy!”

 

Far better than buying wall lights and far nicer than thinking about things that, I have no place thinking about. Not unless I want to torture myself. It’s become quite the past time. 
 

x

[mylolita]

I’m in such a damn good mood and I don’t even know why, makes no sense but why question!!!

 

D woke up sluggish from a fretful nights sleep. He said we should try and get some more temporary accommodation but in a more “holiday” setting so we can frame this last shuffle to the kids as “going on holiday”. We only need another month or two to push the house through to the liveable side. Hey optimism, how are ya?!

 

We’re lucky we live in such a tourist, holiday area anyway. Five minute drive up the road someone has land, woodland parks, a period restaurant and most importantly, static holiday cabins with little porches. I rang the lady and she named some huge price for summer. I told her we had paid upfront for our accommodation here since November and in cash. She immediately halved her offer. I thought I best not say anymore and hand her over to the husband who is key negotiator in all these haggles and will get it for even less. It’s amazing what, cash without seeing the bank account or tax office can do for some people. 
 

Rejuvenated by the idea we can buy yet more time.

 

Bills bills bills bills - all the time, eye watering amounts flying out the accounts, has become normal, for so long. I don’t even know if the stress is even registering as normal anymore. God, just need a venture up Everest or something then we’ll be good. Can we pile in anymore missions please? Anymore? Anyone? Anyone want any risk taking on? Any risk here? At the back?! You’ll do!

 

x

[mylolita]

I must have the worst and most messy scrawl of a handwriting ledge you ever did see.

 

Read somewhere that means I’m like, a total, like, genius, yo. 
 

Where are my accolades? I feel like I should have some? Maybe for, biggest faffer ever and most likely to be late? 
 

Are berets going to be in again this winter? 
 

If I were truly smart I could tell ya’ll that but no one can, not even Elon Musk, or Brian Cox, so what do they know?

 

Tired of “experts?” 
 

Just another word used in order to shake you down for some coin.

 

I am wildly positive and cynical today. Isn’t that a ride!

 

x

 

 

[mylolita]

In this life, do it your way. Anything less is a waste.
 

Compromises never make anyone happy.

 

You get what you put in. Nothing is ever for free. Everything has its own unique little trade off. Just make the best deals you can with the hand you’ve been dealt. Or better yet, upgrade the hand. 
 

Colour outside of the lines. You know more than you think.

 

x

[mylolita]

Briefly the notion of going back to the strip club floated into my mind. Financial strain and all.

 

It seemed like a delightful excuse to poof off into the night at 9pm and be back well before the morning. I’m up all night anyway.

 

But girl, you‘re 32. And you have kids. And you’re married. 
 

I’m not going to lie, I do day dream about it now and then, even though I know realistically that eventful and saucy time in my life can never be returned too. 
 

I always think you should never do any type of “sex work” for the money only. Then it becomes dark and damaging. You need to do it because you like or love it. I don’t know, I started thinking, £500 a night was quite nice. Sometimes much more, sometimes less. I haven’t worked in so long.

 

I‘m like, Elvis but, when he was in the 70s jumpsuit stage. Still there but, bit more curvy. Few more jiggles. We need to tone this down girl. 
 

There is a big part of me that wants to come out to play, like a feline slinking off into the night round the back of the dumpsters. I do fondly look back on those times. 
 

Some girls tell me with the recession the clubs aren’t what they used to be. 
 

I would never. But, I do know that I want to put up a pole in one of the rooms out of the way once the house is finished. I miss pole dancing badly. 
 

I’m your Mum kids but, Mummies a minx okay, nothing for you to worry about but, when I put on my little linen trousers and my slouchy cotton top and my acceptably middle heels, just know I am blending in with your micro society here of what it means to be a respectable woman. Because, I’m not whole grain and, I’m not a crisp little salad. I’m like, the fries with the shake and the full on extra meal. I just want fun. I’ll have your conversations but, come on. Come out to play. I don’t think you know how to let loose, truly.

 

I have some real life stories of my own about jacuzzis…

 

x

[mylolita]

I only have my Grandad left now. He is 91 and he is dying. I have to try and make it up to see him this week.

 

Life is so strange and so beautiful and so tragic and so tormenting and so wonderous. It really is a cruel and heady mix of pain and pleasure. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. 
 

It’s so sad, to see him, to see someone, who looks back at you, upright, high cheek boned and handsome, smiling in a black and white photo at twenty six, and then, to ring the bell and have a faceless and nameless stranger open a hospital door to reveal the same young man, whittled away to a faint seven stone, eyes sunken, breathing rattled. Bags and tubes and smells that you don’t ever want to smell. And you know he was that person a blink of an eye ago. And now, here he is, in white thin sheets, unable to eat or talk. It pains us deeply because we see ourselves in this stark reality of a vision. We see our own end. That is part of the reason why we cry. That is also part of the reason why I want to run.

 

I will always regret wilfully avoiding or acknowledging my other Grandads slow demise. I was younger and didn’t want to face it. I will always, always, never forgive myself that I didn’t go to see him until it was too late.

 

These moments always stir up the, whys? Why? They always make the sweet, sweeter. They amplify everything. Death has a way of concentrating the mind and the emotions. It makes things better; it makes some things worse.

 

I can’t tell you what a trip this is. My 30s has been something else. 
 

The little girl I was, the one that was wild and brimming with energy, who would run up the stairs two at a time to get to the highest window, look out of it, nose pressed against the glass? That girl thought 30 would be… I don’t know. She thought it would really be something. And it has been. And it is. But is it, what little me wanted? 
 

I secretly thought I would be famous. I know right. She would peer out of those windows and belt out made up songs and start fleeting, dancing! Throwing herself across the room in a private entrancement. I don’t know. She felt very special and very different. Maybe everyone feels that way. Thirty. Thirty thirty thirty.

 

I spent the whole of my twenties in abject fear of turning 30. Now; heavens, I’m 32. And then, there he is, 91. Are we really so different? Are we really that far apart?

 

That wizzing time, that, youthful, red cheeked child. She thought 30 was five lifetimes away. Now it feels like ten minutes. 
 

What am I gonna do? What’s the next move? Where do you go from here? And how do you feel about it? 
 

In the grand scheme of things, life is absurd, and gorgeous, and horrific.
 

Four years ago my own children, who climb on me and cry to take turns in my arms all day everyday didn’t even exist. I had never seen their cherubic faces. I was yet to hear the lulling, gleeful lilt of their voice. I didn’t know my daughters dimples above her rounded, perfect little bum. I had never felt my sons stare, intense and expanding with endless love, to then turn his perfect profile back to his cartoon. I was yet to feel the comforting weight of holding my baby girl, her fresh, new, heady smell. I didn’t know any of it. I never knew such bliss awaited. I never knew such torment laid ahead.

 

When D is working away, I always fear it but then again, revel in the fact I get to do everything my own way exactly and have the kids all to myself, and we form our own secret world in those few days and nights together, uninterrupted.

 

In their dark bedroom, projected stars from night lights silently changing in soft colours on the ceiling, my son bolted upright after being tucked in. I was still at the door humming our special lullaby I have sung them all as babies from the start. He exclaims, “MAYBE WE CAN DRAW TOMORROW, FIRST THING!” I say of course. I say, how about, instead of leaving your milk on the landing, how would you like to wake up and have it on your bedside tables? Then, you could wake up and have a nice drink of milk in bed? 
 

And both their eyes are alight and in full adoration and he hurriedly adds, “And you could come in and CUDDLE US IN BED MAMMY JUST US while we have our BED MILK IN THE MORNING MAMMY!”

 

I can’t wait. I can’t wait.

 

x