I know I did the right thing, but I still feel terrible. [Questions]

[chewy21]

I'm a long-time member here. Went through a really bad breakup a little over five years ago, and the awesome community here helped me through it in a big way.

 

I'm coming back now from the other side. This time, I am the dumper, which I know could invite some possible nastiness from some of the dumpees with fresh wounds. Believe me guys, I understand your pain, I was there once, I was wallowing in the hurt. Which is why I tried to be as sensitive to that as possible when ending this relationship.

 

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The Story (names obviously changed, except mine):

 

Laura and I had been dating for a little over a year. She's a great person, beautiful, smart, super corny sense of humor, and just generally a pleasure to be around. She's a catch, and I know this now and knew this then.

 

The "getting to know you" stage was fantastic. I'm pretty introverted, so for someone to come along that either comfortably removes me from my shell or is willing to co-habitate it with me is immediately exciting and refreshing. Laura did the former. I felt comfortable with her, with going out places with her, and she felt comfortable just staying shut in with me.

 

Once we got past that stage, though, I started to notice a lack of real connection. The conversations we had were about people and events. Which is fine every now and then, but what I really like discussing are ideas and worldview, really substantial topics that I feel warrant hours-long conversations. And we had a few of those every now and then, but I got the impression that these weren't thoughts she had on her own. She never really had a strong opinion or interesting view on anything substantial that we talked about.

 

But it wasn't just that. Laura had a habit of over-apologizing. Any time she suspected the slightest annoyance or discomfort in me, she would immediately apologize. I'd always brush it off ("It's fine, sweetie"), but after a while I started to pressure her about it. I asked her why she felt the need to apologize all the time, and (after she apologized for apologizing so much) she told me it was most likely due to her upbringing. Her parents made apologizing a pretty big deal, and she apologized to them a lot.

 

I've mused over the chicken - egg conundrum regarding whether she was passive and submissive because she apologized so much, or vice-versa. Ultimately it didn't matter. The girl wouldn't challenge me on anything. And I wanted her to. I wanted to see that side of her, to know that she would stand up for herself. I made this known a few times during our relationship, and she promised to work on it. But whether she did or not, the result was always the same. I had ultimate power in the relationship. I knew that whatever I said, went.

 

Most guys (jokingly or otherwise) dream of this kind of power in their relationships, but I didn't want that. I wanted an equal partner, someone who I knew could right the ship, hold down the fort in the case of my absence.

 

All of the above taken together would start to annoy me. I got bored in the relationship because of this disconnect in personalities, and was therefore disinterested in almost everything she had to say about Courtney's weekend trip, or Andrew's new car. I didn't know how to respond anymore, so I wouldn't. Then I would feel like I was ignoring her, which would make me uneasy. And after a while, I would build that frustration into a verbal jab of some kind, not designed to hurt, but designed to illustrate the point I'd been trying to make in a different, maybe more jarring, way. This usually resulted in mock outrage and giggling from her, and when I wouldn't giggle back, she would tell me I was being mean. I didn't want to be mean, and hearing her say that just made me feel like crap all over again, which would restart that vicious cycle.

 

All the while, I'm feeling this disconnect between us, but she shows no signs of noticing. So I second-guess myself. I start thinking maybe I'm the problem. Maybe this whole disconnect is just me being defensive with my feelings, or being too worried about things outside of our relationship. Surely I couldn't be alone in sensing this gulf between us... could I? So I would do my best to ignore those feelings and hope things would work themselves out. After all, I was happy, I was with a beautiful girl, and she obviously loved me very much. Why wasn't that enough?

 

Things progressed this way for about another 8-9 months. Up until about two weeks ago, when the answer I needed was paraded in front of my face in the form of my immediate attraction to someone else.

 

Let me be clear: I did not cheat in any way. I have never cheated in any way. If I care enough to get into a relationship, I care enough about the other person's feelings to avoid stomping all over them.

 

This new girl simply accentuated all the issues I was having with Laura. I work in the IT field, so I'm a bit of a nerd. Laura appreciated my interests, and even picked up some of them. This girl embodied my interests, and even rivaled my own nerdiness in her own way. She was laid back, confident, well spoken, very intelligent... basically, just on my level in all the ways Laura wasn't. And I realized all of this after only a few days. Even though I had no intention of pursuing anything with her (co-workers, age gap, etc.), I would catch myself thinking when I was with her "I'd date you in a heartbeat..."

 

Then I would snap out of it and shame myself. I had girlfriend. She was a good person, and didn't deserve that. It was at that point that I realized the issues I had with Laura were real. They weren't just my mind playing tricks on me or a defensive reaction to intimacy. They were real, and they were preventing our relationship from ever moving forward.

 

I resolved then and there to tell her at the soonest possible opportunity we would have to sit down and talk, which happened to be at the end of the week (she would usually come over and stay the weekend with me). I wasn't in a hurry to end it. Like I said, I was happy for the most part. But I had to do it at the first chance. Anything else would be me stringing her along for my own selfish reasons, wasting more of her time on something that wasn't going anywhere.

 

So she came over last night and we talked. After she understood what was happening, she immediately got hysterical and left the room for a good ten minutes to go cry in the bathroom. I waited. And because I could hear her, I started to cry. I didn't want to hurt her, but there was no way around it. If I said nothing, I was being dishonest. I explained everything to her the best way I knew how, and she seemed to take it about as well as could be expected. I told her that if she had any questions, I would do my best to answer them, even if they occur to her weeks later, because I know how much it sucks to be denied the closure you so desperately need. At one point, she told me that this was the nicest breakup she's ever had.

 

Later, she said that she wished I would be more of an a-hole because it might make it easier to blame me. "You're fat", I spat out (she wasn't). This resulted in both of us laughing, which was a relief, but still a little weird considering the situation.

 

Eventually, we were both a mess of snot and tears, taking turns consoling each other, and she finally decided it was time to go.

 

-----

 

So that part went pretty well, despite being crushed to see her so hurt. But I keep telling myself that I did the right thing by keeping it honest with her. And since then, she's been texting me here and there (not nearly as much as when we were together) just to get her feelings out. I've responded when appropriate. She's moving along well, I think, and told me earlier today that at some point she will probably have to cut me out of her life (NC), at least for a while so she can heal. I assured her that I would understand and give her all of the space she needs.

 

Now, my problem is with what happened between me and one of her friends this evening. I'll copy and paste both messages here:

 

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From: Sheila

 

Chewy, I know that ending things with Laura could not have been easy. I hope this is what is best for you in the long run. In the meantime, please stay away from Laura. She is all or nothing, and she loves you with all of her being. Any communication you have with her is only serving to make this harder on her (at least for now). Maybe talking to her makes it easier for you, but you already did what was good for you. Now do what's good for her. I hope you find what it is you're looking for.

 

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From: Chewy

 

I wish you were closer for her, Sheila. You're a good friend, and I'm glad she has you. I appreciate you looking out for her. Any contact I've had with her since last night has been in text form only, and only as a response to her. She said earlier today that she wanted to keep our contact minimal, and I told her that I would respect that decision and give her as much space as she needs. However, I also told her that if she had questions that needed to be answered, I would be available to answer them the best I could. I owe her that much. So while I won't look to initiate contact with her, I also won't ignore her. Our contact is for her benefit alone, and if it no longer benefits her, it will stop. The decision is hers. I'm truly sorry for the pain I've caused her, and you by extension as her friend. If there were a way to avoid it, I would have happily done it. But the alternative would be selfish on my part, and unfair to us both, so the best I could do was to make sure the pain I caused was the least amount possible. Again, I'm glad she has you on her side, and that you cared enough about her to reach out to me.

 

=====

 

So yeah, I'm still hurting, but I have closure because I know why it ended. All it's gonna take now is time for me to get over her and the happiness we had. I'm far more concerned with her and her healing than mine, because she was faultless in this. She was just being herself, and the decision to split up was made for her and unloaded on her when she was off-guard. I feel like the least I can do is to answer questions she might have so that she can heal.

 

But what do you guys think?

 

Does Sheila have a point? Should I make the decision to go NC for Laura's own good, despite assuring her that I would be available?

 

Do you think I handled the breakup poorly? Should I have been more stern and stoic, despite not having any animosity toward Laura?

 

How would you behave if you were in my position? How would you wish to be treated if you were in Laura's?

 

As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated.

[2 months away]

NC all the way.

 

Give Laura time to heal; being even LC in her life with either remind her of your break up or prevent her from moving on

[Sapphire blue]

I feel like I'm in the same position as you're girlfriend, my ex has just broken up with me because although he says he loves me, there just isn't that connection on his side. I would suggest maybe you sending her one last message just explaining that you think no contact for a little while is the best thing for both of you to heal, that you're always there for her but for now the best way to really move on is to live without each other. My ex broke up with me on Tuesday and send me a message pretty much straight after explaining he was sorry but it was for the best, I simply replied just to say to take our status off Facebook lol! He said he will and I hoped that would be that. Then the following day I got another message from him similar to the first, I caved and texted back explaining i needed time to let my heart get over him but I accepted his request to try and be friends when the time is right, his next reply again was similar but this time it was to say he thinks no contact is the best thing for us until we both heal. I appreciate he explained this to me rather than just ignoring me.

 

I think if your ex has states she might want to do it and her friend has gone out of her way to email you regarding it it's what's she wants. I think you should maybe send her a text just explaining this and that you know it's hard but this is the best way for her to move on. If she really needs you you'll be there, but that you both need to move on and resist looking and old messages and pics etc. make sure you point out it's the best for both of you. Don't patronise her by saying you're doing it for her cause in reality it'll be good for you too.

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't have responded to Sheila. Her message to you was not appropriate.

 

No more contact with the ex.

[catfeeder]

I would suggest maybe you sending her one last message just explaining that you think no contact for a little while is the best thing for both of you to heal, that you're always there for her but for now the best way to really move on is to live without each other.

 

I disagree with this. It makes no sense to contact someone to tell them you won't be contacting them.

 

It also makes no sense to go back on the offer you made to answer any questions she may have going forward--and it's not like she's bombarding you with any. Would I have offered that? Probably not, but it's done, so stand by it.

 

Laura is mature and reasonable and is already aware that no contact is probably best for her, and so she'll likely initiate that on her own. You're dealing with an admirable grown up. Continue giving her the credit to steer her own ship.

 

While I can appreciate that neither side of a breakup is painless, I think the worst mistake a dumper can make is to lose their own scope. We cannot 'manage' someone else's healing, and attempting that responsibility is it's own form of disrespect--as is apparent in Sheila's message. You handled her intrusion beautifully.

 

Head high, you did the right thing.

[chewy21]

I think if your ex has states she might want to do it and her friend has gone out of her way to email you regarding it it's what's she wants. I think you should maybe send her a text just explaining this and that you know it's hard but this is the best way for her to move on. If she really needs you you'll be there, but that you both need to move on and resist looking and old messages and pics etc. make sure you point out it's the best for both of you. Don't patronise her by saying you're doing it for her cause in reality it'll be good for you too.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, Sapphire. I'm available to chat via PM if you need someone to talk to. It sounds like you're doing rather well with it, though, so kudos to you.

 

It sounds like you're equating me and your ex a bit too much, though. Where he's been the one to send you messages since the breakup, I've only responded to Laura, never initiated. I'm leaving that part up to her. So to suddenly seem to change my mind and take back my offer feels really wrong to me for two reasons: I'm not the kind of person to go against my word (she knows that), and I don't have any real reason to. Her contact isn't bothering me because it isn't happening very often, and when she does, we trade maybe 2-3 messages back and forth. If I feel something doesn't warrant a response, I have no problem allowing her the last word.

 

Also, I guess Laura found out about the message Sheila sent me, because she texted me late last night explaining that while she appreciated that her friends' hearts were in the right place, their words aren't her words, and she didn't want what they say to have an effect on any future friendship we might have. I responded and told her not to worry, that I understood where it was coming from, and I was glad she had people in her corner. So I don't think that she's using her friends to speak for her in this instance.

 

Thanks for the thought-out response. All the best to you.

 

I wouldn't have responded to Sheila. Her message to you was not appropriate.

 

Probably not, but I have enough empathy to understand that it came from a place of caring about her friend. And while it's really none of her business what Laura and I agreed on, I also don't want her to worry about it so much, so I didn't have any problem explaining the situation.

 

Thanks for the response.

 

While I can appreciate that neither side of a breakup is painless, I think the worst mistake a dumper can make is to lose their own scope. We cannot 'manage' someone else's healing, and attempting that responsibility is it's own form of disrespect--as is apparent in Sheila's message. You handled her intrusion beautifully.

 

Thank you. I hadn't thought of the care I've taken after the breakup as potentially insulting, but I can see how it would be. However, I'd rather risk that than to suddenly change demeanor with her, because I really don't have any reason to be upset with her. Neither of us did anything wrong, and if I know her, she's already looking to try and blame herself for this. For me to back off would suggest to her that I'm upset about something she did, when that's not the case at all. But I will definitely be mindful of any possible condescension from here on out, and do my best to avoid making her feel that way.

 

Head high, you did the right thing.

 

Thanks again, catfeeder. Your post contained some very helpful insight.

[Ms Darcy]

The risk in responding is that your words get twisted and it causes more drama. Hopefully that doesn't happen.

[catfeeder]

I hadn't thought of the care I've taken after the breakup as potentially insulting, but I can see how it would be. However, I'd rather risk that than to suddenly change demeanor with her, because I really don't have any reason to be upset with her. Neither of us did anything wrong, and if I know her, she's already looking to try and blame herself for this. For me to back off would suggest to her that I'm upset about something she did, when that's not the case at all. But I will definitely be mindful of any possible condescension from here on out, and do my best to avoid making her feel that way.

 

I'm sorry, but I think my sig line about backing off got mixed into my generalization about scope--and that combo plate came off as a finger wag to you.

 

I promise that that was not intended--I think you're doing great. I'm impressed by the thoughtfulness demo'd in your whole post, and I don't see any groaners At All.

 

My comment about scope was a botched attempt to say that I've found dumping to be as emotionally exhausting as the times I've been dumped--and this was because I assumed more responsibility than was necessary. I think most of us with a conscience tend to do that, but yes--acting on it can convey the opposite of our intentions. I don't see you in danger of doing that, but same cannot be said of the friend.

 

I'm glad you responded intuitively to the intentions behind her words rather than the words themselves.

 

And that's it...the rest of this has been my sig for a couple years, and it took me until at least my late 40's to appreciate that most people, plants and planets can effectively thrive without any interference from me. Can you BELIEVE that? It's why I come here, where my input is requested ; )

[chewy21]

Thanks for the clarification, Catfeeder. And for the praise. I think more than anything, I just wanted to get some feedback about my handling of it. I felt like I was doing the best I could, but because of that message and the fact that I still felt (and feel) like crap, I wanted some confirmation.

 

Plus it's nice just to have someone to discuss it with. It's hard being a guy after a breakup, because other guys tend to be pretty simple and dismissive about the whole thing. It's even harder when you're a guy and the dumper, because everyone expects you should just be glad to be rid of her. I'm sure sometimes that's the case, but not always.

 

I admire your outlook, and I hope that as I grow into middle age I, too, remain open-minded and willing to learn rather than obstinate and set in my ways, like so many people tend to do.

 

One stark lesson I've learned throughout this ordeal is this: Doing the right thing and feeling good about it don't always go hand in hand.