Sapphire blue

Long post coming up! I did this as a letter to him because I need to feel like he knows how I really felt and feel. I can't explain how hurt and frustrated I am at you. I have never trusted and loved anyone like I have you and I never thought you would hurt me this way. When we first met you warned me things would get difficult because of your exams and at the time I didn't care because I didn't know we would last that long. You were my first real boyfriend and for a long time I didn't let myself fall for you. I was scared, I'd not been in love before, I hadn't been intimate before and I didn't think you'd stick around long enough for it to happen. In the beginning you were so loving and caring, no one has ever treated me that well, I felt like a princess and my friends were even jealous because you were a true gentleman. You helped me through my anxiety you were there for me when things got too much, but also tried to push me and help me overcome my fears. I remember it came to Christmas and you were going home to see your family and you didn't want to go cause you wanted to spend the holiday with me, I made you go because again I wasn't sure how I felt and you should be with your family, I was overwhelmed that you would rather do that. When you went you texted me non stop, you said to me when you were back you had something to say to me, a three word phrase. I freaked out not knowing if I was ready for someone to say that to me when I wasn't at that stage. You were back and you said it, in the most unromantic of settings, but it didn't matter. A few months later I really let myself fall for you, I knew my holding back were insecurities on an intimate level opposed to my feelings for you. I loved how you were and how we were and how I had become. Not much longer down the line you pulled away from me. I told myself I was being paranoid I even blamed it on the pill I was on, a theory you helped me believe, but I knew deep down I wasn't being paranoid. We were weekend lovers and I was beginning to feel used. As your exams drew closer you pushed me further away. Once I told you outright that I felt you had your life, I had mine, we had our time together and the three never intertwined. You told me it would get better after your exams if I promise to wait for you. You knew I would, but you were having doubts at this stage yet you still selfishly asked me to wait, still saw me fall for you more. You once told me you think I miss you more than you miss me and from that point on I physically pulled away from you, hoping for reassurance you wanted me for more than just sex. Although I don't believe you set out to use me for that alone it's what happened. I waited for you and I so wanted things to get better. But as soon as your exams were over you were on the next flight home to your parents. Whilst you were away I got some weird jokey message about you having some good news and a grimace face... I asked 'Ooohhh what is it babe' and you responded you were going abroad with family and weren't sure when you'd be back. Of course you weren't best pleased with me not being best pleased, we had a mini argument and I really thought you were going to break up with me that night. You made me feel like such a nag, like I was the one in the wrong when it was you who would run away from every chance we had together. I wondered if you thought I was after some sort of commitment if you felt pressured for us to become more. I never wanted a ring, the only commitment I wanted was for you to want me in your life. I was not the kind of girl who requires 24/7 attention, but not seeing eachother for a month or so then you leave was pushing it. You made me feel used, like I was not good enough for you time passed sex. I told you this on the phone and it was the first time you showed emotion when breaking up with me. I think you knew it was true, who dates someone for so long but only really sees them on the weekend, of course you were busy but you knew I would have been happy with a 30min chat over a coffee, you had to eat and drink, why not one evening with me. You always had me at arms length, you weren't ever going to include me were you? I wish I hadn't introduced you to my family and I wish I hadn't told you my secrets and opened up when I didn't get that in return. Now of course I was not perfect in this relationship and I accept that I did things wrong too, I regret holding back for as long as I did, I regret not saying and showing you how much I loved you. I also regret for not bringing up issues in a sterner way where we may have been able to get to the root of it, rather than letting them simmer. That said I want to thank you for our relationship. The start was the best time of my life, I had the most amazing time and I'm glad it was with you. We didn't match eachother and that's going to be okay. I think I have experienced every emotion with you and I think that's made me a bigger and better person. I have so much love to give and I'm sad we can't share that anymore. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you and I hope you felt the love I really had for you. I hope you find that 'soul mate' one day. Once you told me you can never be friends with your ex. When we broke up you asked if we could be friends one day once I stop hating you. I reminded you of what you had once said and you went on to tell me that you were wrong, you think we could have a genuine relationship once given time. I look back on our relationship and wonder where we could start. We didn't know eachother first and we never really knew eachothers friends or family. We don't have any other basis than our relationship. As much as I adore you, care for you and love you, I'm not sure I could. I am done with trying, the ball is now in your court. I hope you try but sadly I feel you never will...