Still a complete mess

[pfbsurf]

Its been around 25 days since I broke up with her. She texted once a week after (she missed me etc) until last monday, when I called her to tell her not to text anymore. I was very drunk, and continued to drink after the call all night. It was very bad - i had very clear suicidal thoughts. So technically this is day 7 NC.

 

I still have very strong feelings for her. I broke up because she had been texting another guy (15 years younger than her) and lying about it. I was and am devastated - my self worth is rock bottom.

 

Even with the lying, i miss her very much, and cannot stop thinking about her. 24/7.

 

I have been trying to stay active, be with friends and family, but honestly, nothing seems to work. I am also seeing a therapist and may try ADs.

 

I am constantly - esp at night - visualizing her with this guy. We were very sexual together and of course, these are the images that pop into my head. (side note- i snooped her phone saw texts and can say as of right now, snooping was a bad idea. What i don't know can't hurt me)

 

The relationship was only 10 months, but i fell pretty hard toward the end. I also think i have some significant attachment issues that didn't help, although i am sure she would say that i was not needy. Adding into this some problems with drinking, financial pressures and a pretty serious bout of depression, and you have a pretty screwed up dude.

 

Finally, knowing that she missed me over the last month doesnt seem to make it any easier. I think the bottom line is that my trust in women has been shattered. My ex wife cheated on me after 10 years together, and i am now convinced that I'm a guy that will be cheated on and betrayed if I give my heart away.

 

I want to be balanced and an adult about all of this. We had alot of fun. A LOT. She truly missed me and I think she feels badly about what happened. I also can say that we would never have worked out long term, she lives an hour away, we had very different lives, and frankly, and i do think that she would have cheated at some point anyway.

 

I have a date thursday - a woman i met yesterday. I'm really not excited at all about it. I'd rather be with the girl who cheated on me. Ugh.

[janut1]

I have a date thursday - a woman i met yesterday. I'm really not excited at all about it. I'd rather be with the girl who cheated on me. Ugh.

When I think about dating someone, my stomach turns. I am not at all ready to date. So maybe you are doing much better then you think?

[pfbsurf]

Maybe... As i said, my self esteem is pretty bad right now. Maybe a few casual dates will help.

[autumnsun]

I haven't read your other posts, so may be asking a silly question... but do you know she was cheating and/or the context of the texts? I'm not excusing that behavior, but is there a possibility it could have been innocent and something you could work through?

[pfbsurf]

Autumnsun

 

 

 

If you want the rundown - here is the deal. A couple of months before we broke up, we ran into someone she knew and i got a very strange suspicion. And yes. I checked her phone later. The first time I had ever done that. Text exchanges between them were very suspicuous (late night "come back" sort of stuff). I tell her that I can't be with her if I don't trust her, and that I think she fooled around with this guy, which she completely denied. Anyway, i walked.

 

Now the fun begins. She texts me a week later, we get back together and have fun, but I am constantly suspicious. I try to stay away from her phone and we really don't bring it up at all.

 

Then... I checked her phone again. I see texts from another guy - someone that she swore she "just met" (texts go back to last year). He had texted pix of himself in his underwear the week after we got back together . "Wow, youre stacked!" was her response. She texts a pic of her (clothed, with friends).

 

Now i"m losing it. Again, i say nothing to her, but go somewhat cold, basically planning my exit.

 

a week or two later, (a month ago now) we go to a concert and she stays over. And, you guessed it, I snooped again. (sidebar - snooping is a BAD idea). I see another pic of him sent two days before to her. Now, the Sunday prior she said she was meeting up with her friends - told me she ran into this guy again and "didnt say a word to him". She brought all this up out of the blue. The last texts I saw were his sending a selfie, and saying "i need to lean down" -her response, "you looked good the other night".

 

Circumstantial evidence about her sleeping with him I know (for the record, I think she fooled around but not full on sex - the guy is very good looking and she is boy crazy)

 

BUT - no question she lied to me. None at all.

 

I lie awake every night now wondering if this is just normal behavior and something we could have dealt with. But i know me - and I know that if we stayed together, i would NEVER be able to trust her, and ALWAYS be suspicious. She also told me a story about flirty emailing her ex who had married and had a newborn - where his wife called and begged her to stop. She agreed but told me that she really didn't see anything wrong with her behavior. Over 10 months, there were many other little incidents, mostly flirty stuff, one date she told me about a month later, and just a general feel that she wanted to keep her options open. Which would have been ok if she actually told me that. She had plenty of chances to say - "lets see other people" or whatever...

 

Very sad. We did have a great connection, and she really did like me alot. We are also very different people, so in the end a ltr would have been tough. She also knew my story of my wife cheating on me with my best friend, and i had told her that i was really trying to build my trust in women back up. As you can imagine, i am taking all of this very personally - i sort of feel that women will always cheat or leave me. I have been dating alot and have been with alot of women over the last 8 years, but really, my self esteem is incredibly fragile right now because of all of this.

 

So, i am curious, do you see this as innocent or forgivable? I'm curious. I"m really not sure.

 

I told her over and over that I would let her have her social life and that I would trust her. And in the end, i realize that I couldnt.

[hopelessincan]

Happy 25 days (for me too).

 

Her behaviour is awful. Completely inappropriate. As hard as it is, you made the right decision to leave. Not innocent whatsoever and so not ok. Sorry you went through that.

[pfbsurf]

Thank you for that. I am pretty amazed at how much this has crushed me. I really felt ok about walking away from her - she was pretty surprised and very bummed out. I felt that this was my only option, but now I feel a huge vaccuum in my life. Its incredibly hard.

 

Reading stories here, or even thinking about my marriage falling apart, i understand that this is pretty common stuff, but still, that doesn't make it any easier.

 

The guys she texted/hooked up with are flat out players too. Very tall, good looking young single guys. (she's 44, very attractive and worried about getting old..) its crazy, but i think it would have been better if she found someone that she was likely to marry. So, my self confidence about my ability to keep someone happy is pretty low right now.

 

I need that eternal sunshine of the spotless mind treatment...

[Lucha]

Not innocent at all, taking you for granted. Good decision I'd say..

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[pfbsurf]

Not innocent at all, taking you for granted. Good decision I'd say..

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

 

Thanks. As I re-read my post, i had a wave of nausea come over me. Really felt like I was going to throw up. Not innocent, and very very disrespectful. She did admit at one point to being selfish and taking me for granted. I chose to ignore earlier red flags because i just wanted to be around her. My bad.

 

I really, really hope that I don't take any of this into my next relationship or even just into casual dating.

 

And while i do think it was a good decision - it still hurts like crazy.

[SooSad33]

" My ex wife cheated on me after 10 years together, and i am now convinced that I'm a guy that will be cheated on and betrayed if I give my heart away."

- No. You can find someone in your life who IS real and honest.

 

I just suggest you do NOT go searching right now.

 

You are NOT over your Ex at all. ( It hasn't even been a month!)

Don't think that this date, Thursday is going to 'make things better'.

So be careful here, or you're just going to make things for your worse!

 

Never move onto someone else in hopes that'll ease the pain from an Ex. It won't.

 

Best to work on YOU. Your 'loss' and work on healing for a while, on your own. A good 6 months, Before you consider moving on.

Your 'new' partner doesn't need the baggage you're bringing on into the new relationship.

That is going to cause more problems.

[pfbsurf]

Yeah You're right. I have almost no interest in hanging out with this woman - and she seems pretty excited about getting together. Sigh.

 

Just very lonely and insecure right now, that's all.

[hopelessincan]

lol. Funny i was thinking of that movie the other day.....if only! Sometimes the ones who crush us are the ones we least expected to have an impact.....especially with shorter relationships like these....is it possible this has more to do with you and how you feel about yourself, than it does with her? when did your marriage end?

[pfbsurf]

lol. Funny i was thinking of that movie the other day.....if only! Sometimes the ones who crush us are the ones we least expected to have an impact.....especially with shorter relationships like these....is it possible this has more to do with you and how you feel about yourself, than it does with her? when did your marriage end?

 

 

Yes - alot of this is about me and the way i see myself. Unfortunately. I have what you would call high "pseudo self esteem". Successful, lots of hobbies (surfing mainly), lots of friends, 3 wonderful sons, etc etc. But life just sort of wore me down over the last 8 years,(since my marriage ended) and I really don't think that highly of myself anymore. At least not automatically. My coping mechanisms are terrible - I basically have been drinking at least a six pack a night for a couple of years just to get to sleep at night.

 

When S came around, she sort of surprised me - she was very fun, very pretty and we really connected right away (we'd known each other casually for three years). I always felt in the back of my mind that it was going to fall apart though. And honestly, i was infatuated with having a hot girflriend. I'd dated quite a bit, and have been with prettier women, but this was different.

 

In the end, what she did was unfair and cruel, but I guess that's the way this stuff goes. I'll be fine, but as you know, when you are in the middle of it, it's hard to envision what "fine" actually feels like.

[autumnsun]

I agree with others -- not innocent at all.

 

I have trust issues from a past relationship, my ex from a few years ago had "girl friends" that I didn't have to worry anything about (according to him!) and our story went in a very similar fashion. It's an incredibly difficult thing to deal with. I'm sorry she did that to you; it's not fair at all.

 

It's never innocent to exchange flirty texts, or have flirty encounters. A respectful partner is going to shut those things down right away, not respond or react as to encourage future interactions of the same nature.

 

Like you said, you WILL be fine... it's just that these first few months are going to take their toll and they will be a bit rough. Try to really work on your self-esteem and find a more productive way to relax in the evening than a 6 pack. You sound like you have a lot going for you, so capitalize on that in order to make yourself healthy and happy again. If she didn't want to stick around and act as a proper girlfriend, then it is her loss!

[hopelessincan]

Yeah You're right. I have almost no interest in hanging out with this woman - and she seems pretty excited about getting together. Sigh.

 

Just very lonely and insecure right now, that's all.

 

You might want to cancel. Dont put her through the motions. Find something else to do. Not fair to her, nor you.

I know how you feel....just wanting someone to make it go away.....but it will only go away when you are ready for it to go away.

 

I've been asked out by three different guys since the news got around of my split. One who just jumped right on in upon hearing the news, which I find disgusting personally. I flat out said no.

 

If you can look at this girl and think you'd be interested if you were emotionally healthy than might be worth a shot...but from the way you talk...theres no way. So just spare her the pain.

[hopelessincan]

Are you sure you arent my ex?? lol

[JayCho]

You are not ready to date. BTW - My mom always said "you're not human if you haven't contemplated suicide, at least once." I will say this, no matter if you know or not she's still doing it regardless, does it make it better to not know? Maybe... you are just attached to this person and it WILL change.... don't go on the date yet if ur not ready, its ok to say no

[Destroyed 33]

Never ignore. Never live in denial. Check that phone if thats what your gut tells you. Do not ignore your gut. Check her email, go by where she works if you really truly have a strong feeling that something is going on. DO NOT IGNORE YOU GUT.

 

More importantly... TALK!!!! A girl may lie. A girl may do an incredible job of convincing you that the relationship is everything that she ever wanted... But when you have the gut feeling, dont ignore it. You deserve to know whats going on.

 

Trust issues are something that we both have in common. I can say that I did an incredible job working on my trust issues only to have that effort exploited in the end when she cheated on me and used the trust that I did gain as a tool to do so. BUT, when I had that gut feeling, I got to the bottom of it damn quick and blew her spot up. She bolted but I am damn glad that I didnt ignore my intuition.

 

Their is no excuse for you ex's actions. She cheated on you full out even if she wasnt physical, the emotional stuff hurts just as bad if not worse. She is a sneaky, cold hearted, selfish immature person. She wants all kinds of dudes including you but doesnt want you enough to be exclusive.

 

So, you can either be with her, close your eyes and let her flirt, text and screw all of her other "friends" or come to grips with what type of person she really is.

 

That my two cents man. Hope it wasnt too hurtful but she has no respect for you at all. Sorry and good luck. Hang on tight and stick to your guns. Be strong bro.

 

Oh, by the way, I am on meds now for A&D. Never thought I would see the day. I can say that I think they are my saving grace and may have even saved my life. Not sure, I just know that I am on week 6 since the break up and I am really doing okay for the past few days now. Do whatever you can do to survive this and help yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

The last thing you should be doing is going on a date. You are not ready and you even admit that.

 

What are these abandonment issues that you have?

[Destroyed 33]

I just wanted to say that I am 6 weeks out of a 16 year relationship with a girl that I loved more than air itself. She was everything to me and I have been head over heals for her right up until the day she left me and ruined my life and ripped my heart out.

 

6 weeks since the break up. I went on a date yesterday. It went really really well and did a ton for my self esteem. I was completely honest with this girl and told her exactly where I am at and we just walked around the park together, talked a lot, went out for coffee and spent 4 hours talking. I really began to like her and the best part is, I could tell she really really REALLY liked me too! That felt INCREDIBLE!

 

The important part is. I told her right where I am at, that I am not ready and wont be for a very long time and that being friends would be something I would be interested in but I made it very very cleat that I dont want to lead her on. So, we are going to continue to see each other, go really really really slow and just spend time doing things together. Going for hikes, sitting on a bench at the park, going out for coffee. Talking...

 

I dont know... For me, it worked out very very well and helped me tremendously and I made a new friend who is very interesting, really likes me and she is cute! I am looking forward to our next (Well, I wouldnt call it a date) get together. Maybe I will take her to a beach and stare at her ass all day!!!!! I can do that now!!!!! I can do whatever the hell I want now but I am going to do things right and be very careful and smart. I know exactly how sensitive I am and need to keep things in perspective.

 

Am I ready? Nope! But she knows it and we are right on the same page.

[pfbsurf]

Are you sure you arent my ex?? lol

 

Your ex is a surfer?

 

It was more than just her looks for me. She is a pretty vibrant person. But as I found out, she is also a pretty untrustworthy and insecure person as well.

[pfbsurf]

The last thing you should be doing is going on a date. You are not ready and you even admit that.

 

What are these abandonment issues that you have?

 

I wish I knew. I'm sure there is some connection to my childhood and all that. I was always happy, and certainly trusting. Having an ex wife cheat - when I trusted her 100% - sure was a wake up call about trust. And this recent one just has devastated me. I really hope i can get back to being happy and just having a bad day once in a while. Right now I'm numb.

[pfbsurf]

Just need to journal right now.

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind. The relationship/breakup became a trigger for a serious episode of depression. I am seeing a therapist, and know that I have to stop drinking, but i realize that having a girlfriend - even one who was not to be trusted - helped me get through the day. Now. It's just me and frankly, I'm scared.

 

i have been self medicating with beer for a few years and honestly, it feels like alcohol is the only thing that makes me happy or feel ok. I am so worried that if I stop drinking, I will obsess constantly about the break up and the cheating/lying.

 

I want to call her so badly, i want her to say she is sorry. I won't do that and she would never say that anyway, but she has no idea how much she crushed my soul. I feel so

weak for letting this happen. And I know that there are serious underlying issues that i need to deal with that are outside of the relationship.

 

I am seriously considering checking into a psych ward. I am so down and really don't see how life can get better.

 

Sad.

[pfbsurf]

still more journaling.

 

I am seriously screwed up and just pray that this feeling of hopelessness will go away. I realized that having her in my life - even with all the worries I had - was masking my depression and unhappiness. And now i have her as an excuse, but really, we were never going to be together long term. It would have never worked out.

 

Adults should be able to get in and out of relationships without completely losing it. Yes, she made some big mistakes that I found out about and I made the call. Why can't i just dust myself off?

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like your bigger problem is alcoholism.