I Share Everything with Him, Should I leave?

[IcecreamLove]

I don't know if this is exactly abuse but me and my boyfriend (who I live with) always seem to get into fights. He was the kind of guy who was super sweet, opened my car doors for me, bought me surprises, visited me at my retail job, etc. He was seriously nearly too good to be true. He liked all the things that I liked. He seemed to be so together and financially secure. Needless to say I fell head over heals. I was working an hour away from my home so we got a place and moved in together since I would be closer to work and closer to him.

 

Then we ran into problems. I worked retail and there was 2 separate incidents where men gave me their phone numbers. I stuck them in my pocket and forgot to throw them away. I was already dating my boyfriend, I had no reason to contact these guys. My boyfriend found the numbers before I remembered to pitch them and immediately got into the mind set that I was cheating on him. Granted, he's been cheated on before. I should have simply rejected the phone numbers, that was my fault. I should have never even picked them up. That was the first sign.

 

My schedule remained sporadic while his was a steady 7 to 4. If I had a day off, I would drive to see my family, 1 hr away. I eventually stopped doing this because my boyfriend pointed out how costly it was. I would be stuck at home and would go on Facebook or text my 2 best friends to socialize. My boyfriend HATED Facebook. He thought Facebook was another thing guys just go on to creep. If he texted me and I didn't immediately answer he got very offended. We shared a phone plan soon and he was checking the amount of texts I sent out and what times. If I was texting someone else while texting him he took it as they were more important than him. If I got a text message while we were together, even if it was from my mom, he would get offended that I'm taking time away from him to answer. So no more Facebook, no more texting.

 

Because of the phone numbers incident, my boyfriend also never trusted me with other male co workers. There was one in particular he thought I was cheating on him with. I had no interest in this guy but since I interacted with him at work, and joked around, obviously I was cheating on my boyfriend with him. People that I've known longer since my boyfriend, I had to scale down my enthusiasm for. I started to get depressed. People at work noticed. I received a text from the guy he despised saying he hopes I feel better since I seem so down all the time and that he's "thinking of me." I told my boyfriend about the text. He read the text for himself and flipped out over the "thinking of me part." This escalated pretty badly. My boyfriend made me call the fellow and tell him I couldn't talk to him anymore. I was crying on the floor the entire time. It was embarassing that this co worker received a call from me crying and having my boyfriend tell him to leave me alone.

 

Eventually this isolation from socialization caused me to lose my friends. He'd always fight with me over who I talked to. He always suspected me of cheating on him. We'd argue and he'd hit me. But not hard enough to leave marks. Only sometimes did he leave marks. He's spit on me. He's thrown my clothes on top of me. He's put my stuff in garbage bags. He's told me I'm garbage. I'll fight back but he's obviously stronger than me. The worst time I basically just bit him really really hard, on the hand drawing blood. If I don't fight back I struggle to get away. He overpowers me everytime and I eventually worn out from escaping. He tells me it'll be okay and holds me and becomes that loving guy again as I cry. These extreme fights don't happen anymore because I only spend all my time with him (and I quit that job he hated).

 

I've got a new job now. I love my new job! He still has his 7 to 4 job which stresses him out and is physically demanding. Yesterday we got into an argument. He insulted me some more. As well as attacked me, after it's been so long! This time I had no desire to fight back. I keep trying to demonstrate to him that it's not okay to hit. He always just says I "push his buttons," insinuating it was my fault he hit me. I provoked it. I know that's not okay. He keeps threatening to kick me out. I'm not sure if I know how to function without him. I don't know if I can afford a place by myself. My job is 1h30mins from my parents house. We share car insurance, a cell phone plan, a bank account, a loan and a home. I don't WANT to leave but I don't know how else to demonstrate, hey man, this isn't okay. Any advice?

[Seraphim]

Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. 100%. link removed

 

What you do is you don't try and convince him of anything you get out of this relationship today. Pick up your important belongings like official papers and things like that and go stay with a relative or friend right now. Because he hit you call the police and have it recorded.

 

Don't worry about having bank accounts ,houses or anything with him those things can be replaced. Change your bank account immediately. Any password that you share with him change it immediately.

 

No 99.9% of the time abusive people do not get better they get worse. Just get out of the relationship and never look back.

[Iggy5129]

You need to leave. How can you say this is not abuse? He controls every aspect of your life. This is not healthy. Leave and get your life back.

[Seraphim]

You can also call a women's shelter and plan your leaving this situation.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, this is abuse. Interestingly, the 'too good to be true' behaviour in the early days and the early looking for a commitment are both typical of abusers.

 

He's clearly not going to take responsibility for his own actions, and unfortunately leaving him is the only option unless you want to keep going through this, again and again. It's not a question of demonstrating that his behaviour is not OK - it's a question of taking care of your own emotional and physical welfare. The violence will get worse and worse over time.

 

You need to start an exit plan. Is there somewhere you could stay in the short term? I appreciate that this will be difficult, having been isolated from your friends, but some of them at least will have some idea of what was going on. Who owns your home, or is it rented? Do you have your own bank account, as well as the joint one? As soon as you can, without telling him, you need to organise yourself so that you can walk away to a life without him. Just take as long as you need. Do a bit of research, and see how much it would cost to rent a room in a shared house, for example. Look at the terms and conditions with all the other items you mention, and find out exactly where you stand and what to do. You will be able to function without him - it's a question of having the confidence to do so - but you can guarantee that, in time, you won't be able to function with him.

[Cheetarah]

You can also call a women's shelter and plan your leaving this situation.

 

OP is a man. OP, I have 2 suggestions for you.

 

For resources: link removed and link removed I think the latter might have more specific resources geared towards your situation, sadly off the top of my head I cannot think of programs/resources geared specifically for males in abusive relationships or male/male DV. I bet they would definitely have something for you, one of these.

[Seraphim]

OP is a man. OP, I have 2 suggestions for you.

 

For resources: link removed and link removed I think the latter might have more specific resources geared towards your situation, sadly off the top of my head I cannot think of programs/resources geared specifically for males in abusive relationships or male/male DV. I bet they would definitely have something for you, one of these.

 

Oooooo I missed that. Sorry OP .

[CeeLambrini]

Like someone else said, everything can be replaced - but you can't be! Who knows how dangerous this man is, as he seems to have gotten worse and worse over time. Getting yourself out of this situation and fast should be your main priority. You have from 7 until 4 during the day to pack up your stuff and go to a safe place - your parents house. Tell them everything, in fact tell as many people as you can what is going on. An abusers strength comes from isolating you, so the less alone you are in this, the weaker he becomes.

 

I would do all of this soon, with the way he seems to check up on you and track what you have been doing, I wouldn't be surprised if he's installed a keyboard tracker on your computer or even checks your emails and browser history often. I am worried that he will find this forum too and attack you again for reaching out and finding strength from others. I wish you luck, and keep us updated

[ParisPaulette]

I second what all the others on here are telling you. Call this hotline link removed and talk to someone. Work out an exit plan, keep yourself safe, and get out ASAP. And you demonstrate it's not okay by calling the cops on him the next time he hits you. Press charges, have him hauled to jail, tell him it's over.

[lukeb]

When you are just dating someone and trying to figure out of you are right for one another there is really no need to share all your finances like you are married, you can save that stuff for when you actually are married. How long did you know one another when you decided to move in? There are all decisions you consciously made, probably figuring the more you merge there things the less likely he will leave you. What is next, are you actively trying to get pregnant too with this guy merging your lives even further? Those are things you need to reflect on. Looks like you have a pretty good handle on the situation you got yourself in and how you got there, so there is part of you that wanted this, those are things you need to reflect on too. When you get yourself into physical fights, and it is not all that clear who it was that lands the first blows it is really something that you both get into. You are causing physical injury to him and he is causing physical injury to you. You mention spitting, often that is used as an excuse to escalate verbal argument into physical ones. The spitting really happening when you are close to someone who is shouting at you. Is that what happened?

 

Yes definitely leave him but also ask yourself why you felt it necessary to so completely merge you lives when you are really only dating. There is no need to bring the U-haul on your second date with someone.

[Seraphim]

The OP is a GUY. So, two GUYS. No pregnancy.

[Liraele]

He hit you. That it didn't leave a mark is irrelevant. You're being abused.

 

Start the process of separating your lives and get the heck outta there.

[Cheetarah]

I am really curious as to why you flock to abuse/rape threads like flies on crap when it appears your main motivation is to minimize the abuse that is occurring.

 

You mentioned in the other thread that it is because you're gay that you can view women as equals. 1). Being gay has nothing to do with that. 2). Labeling an abusive behavior as an abusive behavior has nothing to do with (in)equality.

 

Do you know anything about abuse? Do you know anything about the cycle, the dynamics at play?

 

I am repulsed that you could read the OP's story and dig around trying to make him doubt himself even more. You see he is doubtful. He doesn't even know if he should call it abuse when someone tries to control him socially, isolates him, attacks him...Just read this again:

 

 

 

Reading this made my eyes well up. If you can't scrounge up an ounce of compassion for a person who is told by the person they once loved and trusted not to hurt them, that they are garbage, that they have to struggle out of their grip, that they tire themselves out from trying to get away...Well, something is very wrong with you. Instead you try to instill the doubt:

 

 

 

 

 

This is daft. No one wants to be abused.

 

I really think you should educate yourself about abuse. I obviously cannot tell you how and when to post, but all I can hope for is that you are not well-informed on it and that is what fuels your thoughtless replies that could be quite damaging to a doubtful person in a clearly dangerous situation.

[Seraphim]

Thank you.

[metrogirl]

Bravo Cheet....... Just bravo.