GF is irrationally mad and won't talk to me

[DonDraper32]

I feel embarrassed posting here, but I have nobody else to talk to right now and didn't sleep all night.

 

I've been dating this girl for six months now and for the most part, things have been great. We've had our ups and downs, including one week-long breakup and a period of being in a gray area, but we made things official a month ago and things were as great as they've ever been.

 

About a week ago, however, we began getting into stupid little fights when we were drunk, none of which really amounted to anything. It started to freak me out, but we went on one of our best dates on Friday and even on Saturday during the day things seemed back to normal.

 

Saturday night we went to a party with her friends and on the car ride home we began talking about one of her friends who's going through a breakup. I made the mistake of offering my opinion on the matter (I said her friend needs to start to move on) and she freaked out and told me I had no idea what I was talking about. I apologized, but when we got back to her place she didn't want to have sex (that never happens) and in the morning she was very cold and distant.

 

I left with things feeling off and when I texted her a few hours later she took a long time to respond and was very short. I sent her a text before I went to bed apologizing again and telling her that I know I messed up and felt like I was annoying her and she still hasn't responded 10 hours later.

 

This seems like such a silly thing for us to be in a relationship-ending fight over, but I honestly feel like I may not hear from her again. I know that I'm annoying her whenever I text her now, so I literally don't know what to do.

 

Should I just give her space? Or should I consider ending the relationship? It's not fun being with somebody who makes you feel this way.

[missmarple]

End the relationship. If she gets that upset over something so trivial, imagine what she'll be like if something serious comes along.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'd give her BOATLOADS of space...but I'd take the space for me, and time to think. If she's gonna freak out over something so little as that, I'd want to evaluate whether I wanted to move forward with her.

[jak3]

It sounds really childish to me.

 

Is this how she always handles conflicts? Shuts down and stops communicating? What happens when there are real important things in the relationship that you two do not agree on ... are you going to accept this?

[Man with Dog]

It sounds really childish to me.

 

Is this how she always handles conflicts? Shuts down and stops communicating? What happens when there are real important things in the relationship that you two do not agree on ... are you going to accept this?

 

I sometimes shut down during conflicts when I think they are going to escalate out of control. I don't think it's necessarily childish. However, with the incident in question, the OP gave the right answer but, perhaps, should have recognised that moving on is not so easy.

[DonDraper32]

She just texted me back saying "sorry, I didn't mean to not respond. I fell asleep right before you texted that."

 

I responded 10 minutes later and said "oh no worries, I figured as much" and I haven't heard back since.

 

I feel like it's not just Saturday's "fight" that's bothering her, as much as it's our recent habit of bickering/giving each other attitude when we're around her friends. I don't know why that's happened, but things have seemed to be better recently when it's just been me and her.

 

It's hard, because I really like her, but she can just be so hot and cold. These entire six months, we've seemed to repeat a pattern of honeymoon phases, nearing an end and then back again.

 

We've been friends for 10 years and always had feelings for each other, but just recently decided to give it a try. I think that's one of the reasons I'm so reluctant to end it, because my feelings for her exceed that of a normal 6 month relationship.

[Natasha24]

I don't think she's that upset about this argument (unless there's more you're not telling us)

 

Maybe she's just sick of the bickering and she's getting annoyed. You guys should probably sit down and talk about why you've been arguing so much lately.

[amila]

This is childish but i can recognize my self in her behavior

 

 

what you need to do is to stop writing,give it a few days if she then does not write ,call her after a few days and say you did not contact her because you wante to give her space

[DonDraper32]

I don't think she's that upset about this argument (unless there's more you're not telling us)

 

Maybe she's just sick of the bickering and she's getting annoyed. You guys should probably sit down and talk about why you've been arguing so much lately.

 

I think that you're right about this.

 

There wasn't much else to the fight except for when we got back I asked her if everything was okay and she said it was, but she seemed annoyed. I told her it had been tough to tell where I stood with her lately, which is when she brought up us bickering, etc.

 

I think it's definitely a culmination of things, which I honestly can't explain why it's happened. I know we probably need to talk things out, but I'm afraid that will only annoy her more and lead to a breakup, which I'll then blame myself for.

 

Sorry, my head's all over the place. This lack of sleep and anxiety is really getting to me.

[SooSad33]

Maybe you two should stop hanging with her friends, together? Are you two always going out with her friends?

If things are 'better', when alone, then maybe think about going out more just the 2 of you and leave her friends to her.

 

You know, some 'alone time' in a relationship is suggested. Also to remain with your own interests & friends as you had before you met.

Nothing wrong with going out with your own friends, either with her or without her.

[DonDraper32]

Maybe you two should stop hanging with her friends, together? Are you two always going out with her friends?

If things are 'better', when alone, then maybe think about going out more just the 2 of you and leave her friends to her.

 

You know, some 'alone time' in a relationship is suggested. Also to remain with your own interests & friends as you had before you met.

Nothing wrong with going out with your own friends, either with her or without her.

 

Yeah, we typically are out with her friends. If I'm with her four nights a week, we're usually with them for three.

 

It's kind of a sticky situation. Her and all her friends are really close and have been best friends since like middle school. Factor in her best friend's recent breakup and she feels an obligation to always be with them. It's not like I'm tagging along -- a lot of them have boyfriends and I'm friends with a few of them -- but it's clear that I'm only there because I'm dating her.

 

Meanwhile, most of my good friends have moved away since college. I have some friends whom I go out with when I have nothing else to do, but not anybody I really feel obligated to see on a regular basis. In between my last relationship and current one, I typically either hung out with random acquaintances, dated random girls (not seriously) or immersed myself in work.

 

I do think that it would help if we spent more time with just the two of us, but I feel bad taking her from her friends. It's something I've made her conscious of before, but I do think it's a contributing factor to our recent issues.

[DonDraper32]

I guess what I need help most with is figuring out where to go to here. She basically apologized for ignoring my text, while continuing to ignore the text and not address it.

 

Typically, I'd see her again tomorrow night because we play on a co-ed softball team with some of her friends. If I don't hear from her again today/tonight, I'm strongly debating finding an excuse not to go in order to give her more space.

 

I just feel so pathetic about all of this right now and I don't know why or what to do.

[Iggy5129]

"It's hard, because I really like her, but she can just be so hot and cold. These entire six months, we've seemed to repeat a pattern of honeymoon phases, nearing an end and then back again."

 

Is she a Scorpio? Lol. My bf is just like this. Either you learn how to put up with it and deal with their love of drama or walk away. When my bf does this I just give him space and wait for him to calm down. Although our fights don't usually start over something so small

[DonDraper32]

"It's hard, because I really like her, but she can just be so hot and cold. These entire six months, we've seemed to repeat a pattern of honeymoon phases, nearing an end and then back again."

 

Is she a Scorpio? Lol. My bf is just like this. Either you learn how to put up with it and deal with their love of drama or walk away. When my bf does this I just give him space and wait for him to calm down. Although our fights don't usually start over something so small

 

No, but I am haha.

 

I think my plan right now is to continue to give her space for the next couple of days and then see if she wants to hang out on Wednesday. Then I'll casually bring up our recent pattern of arguments and how I don't like it and want to fix it before it becomes a bigger problem. Then I guess we'll see where it goes from there.

 

I just hope I have to patience for this plan.

[DonDraper32]

The anxiety (and sleep deprivation) is really starting to get to me. I also have a really big day at work tomorrow and that's not helping either.

 

I can't help but think that the relationship is about to come to an end and I really hate going through breakups (not like anybody enjoys them, but I particularly don't take them well). It's consumed my mind and I have this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

I still haven't heard from her since she texted me this morning saying she didn't mean to respond. I just don't know how I'll handle it if I don't hear from her tonight.

[abitbroken]

It's kind of a sticky situation. Her and all her friends are really close and have been best friends since like middle school. Factor in her best friend's recent breakup and she feels an obligation to always be with them. It's not like I'm tagging along -- a lot of them have boyfriends and I'm friends with a few of them -- but it's clear that I'm only there because I'm dating her.

 

Thats when she goes WITHOUT you shopping, to grab a coffee or whatever with her friend to console her, and then she goes on a date with you without the friend even if it means you don't see her one night because they are together.

 

You guys also need to stop drinking with eachother if you have stupid fights while drinking.

[DonDraper32]

Thats when she goes WITHOUT you shopping, to grab a coffee or whatever with her friend to console her, and then she goes on a date with you without the friend even if it means you don't see her one night because they are together.

 

You guys also need to stop drinking with eachother if you have stupid fights while drinking.

 

That may be difficult to do. We're in our mid-20s and a lot of our social life involves drinking. Even on dates, her and I typically each have two drinks or will drink while watching a movie.

 

Although we made it 6 months, I realize that I now need to be conscious of this. I'm not going to let drinking -- at least on my end -- ruin our relationship.

[abitbroken]

That may be difficult to do. We're in our mid-20s and a lot of our social life involves drinking. Even on dates, her and I typically each have two drinks or will drink while watching a movie.

 

Although we made it 6 months, I realize that I now need to be conscious of this. I'm not going to let drinking -- at least on my end -- ruin our relationship.

 

 

Your social life doesn't involve drinking due to your age - its the choice you made. And hanging with the group always is something in high school and college. Maybe it would be good to break up, to find new friends who are interested in making an intellectual connection, etc, and just separate from the whole scene so you can have a relationship with one woman and not her group plus her. If you want this relationship to last - though you may outgrow it - you need to spend time with her away from the friends, and to do things with her that does not nvolve drinking. And if you can't, then you dont have much of a relationship. Do you ever go somewhere that doesnt have to involve drinking?

[Ms Darcy]

That may be difficult to do. We're in our mid-20s and a lot of our social life involves drinking. Even on dates, her and I typically each have two drinks or will drink while watching a movie.

 

Although we made it 6 months, I realize that I now need to be conscious of this. I'm not going to let drinking -- at least on my end -- ruin our relationship.

 

Obviously you don't value the relationship as much as you say if you basically say you can't stop drinking to help avoid relationship strife.

 

I think the "break up" advice is hasty. You need to get some good sleep, pull up your big boy pants, and have a real conversation with her.

[DonDraper32]

Obviously you don't value the relationship as much as you say if you basically say you can't stop drinking to help avoid relationship strife.

 

I think the "break up" advice is hasty. You need to get some good sleep, pull up your big boy pants, and have a real conversation with her.

 

That's not necessarily true. If it came to the relationship or drinking, I'd choose the relationship. It just seems a bit drastic at this point since there's yet to be a huge fight over it, just a few little ones. And drinking has been a positive in our relationship, as in we've bonded over trying new beers and wines (in a healthy way, I swear.)

 

I know you give great advice here Ms. Darcy. How would you approach this "big boy" conversation. I'll be seeing her tomorrow for our softball game.

[Ms Darcy]

That's not necessarily true. If it came to the relationship or drinking, I'd choose the relationship. It just seems a bit drastic at this point since there's yet to be a huge fight over it, just a few little ones. And drinking has been a positive in our relationship, as in we've bonded over trying new beers and wines (in a healthy way, I swear.)

 

I know you give great advice here Ms. Darcy. How would you approach this "big boy" conversation. I'll be seeing her tomorrow for our softball game.

 

Well I think the start of the conversation would be to suggest curtailing the drinking. But if you aren't willing to do that ...

[DonDraper32]

Well I think the start of the conversation would be to suggest curtailing the drinking. But if you aren't willing to do that ...

 

I am willing to do that. I just don't think that's necessarily the root of our issue or at least it's not the only one.

 

She texted me last night but was slow to respond and develop conversation. I plan on talking to her tonight but don't know the direction to take it in

[SpottiOtti]

See, I disagree with the others. I feel like you have both done enough talking, that's why you can't stop fighting. I think you hang out with her, show her how much you care (with actions and eye contact and touching, etc - no words!) and leave it alone. It sounds like growing pains to me. Unless she's being overtly rude or manipulative or anything like that, I'd keep showing her you care, and stop talking everything to death.

 

I know I'm late to the party, but I hope you got some sleep! I know how much anxiety a relationship can produce when it's not working.

 

Also, I think you should let her do her consoling friend bit without you. Find something else to do. Clearly, all this time with her friends isn't helping your relationship grow.

[abitbroken]

I am willing to do that. I just don't think that's necessarily the root of our issue or at least it's not the only one.

 

She texted me last night but was slow to respond and develop conversation. I plan on talking to her tonight but don't know the direction to take it in

 

Drinking makes you argue more, and when a relationship is centered on it, eventually there is not much there. If you have bonded on trying new liquor and cannot transfer that "bonding" to other things like bonding over talking about your childhoods, your hopes and fears or over doing a sport together or making something together, then the relationship is stalled because your only bonding is centered around alcohol. My boyfriend and I like cake. When we first met, we would go to different dessert places and try different things. But we don't eat much cake anymore but our relationship is strong. Also, you talk of "hanging with the crowd" and that involves drinking. I am sure you don't go see a live play, go to a festival or otherwise do things with them that do not involve drinking.

[DonDraper32]

See, I disagree with the others. I feel like you have both done enough talking, that's why you can't stop fighting. I think you hang out with her, show her how much you care (with actions and eye contact and touching, etc - no words!) and leave it alone. It sounds like growing pains to me. Unless she's being overtly rude or manipulative or anything like that, I'd keep showing her you care, and stop talking everything to death.

 

I know I'm late to the party, but I hope you got some sleep! I know how much anxiety a relationship can produce when it's not working.

 

Also, I think you should let her do her consoling friend bit without you. Find something else to do. Clearly, all this time with her friends isn't helping your relationship grow.

 

I think you could be right. And "we need to talk" gets old after a while. Eventually, it's going to lead to a breakup out of pure annoyance.

 

I'm seeing her tonight. I think I'm just going to focus on being positive and avoiding arguments and see where it takes us. If she's still cold and distant, then I'll just go from there.

 

Things seem to be trending better since the weekend has cooled off.