DonDraper32

Day 30 Truthfully, I thought I'd be further ahead by now, but I'm in a much better state than I was a month ago. I've been on two dates since last talking to my ex and have slept with two people. I still have rough days. And sometimes they're rougher than the early rough days, because they come out of nowhere, but truthfully, I don't know what other choice I had than going NC. I'm not over my ex. Even after everything, I still want her back. But the pain isn't nearly as sharp as it once was. I thought I'd hear from her by now (she drunk dialed me once three weeks ago and I didn't answer), but I guess that shouldn't matter. It still hurts to know that it's really over, and I don't know if I've even accepted that yet. But I'd highly recommend NC. Also, I spent a week away from the boards, which I think was a good thing, because it becomes easy to wallow in self-pity around here.

Day 18 I'm not going to lie. I thought I'd feel better by now, but almost seem to be regressing. Early on it was easy. We'd only gone 9 days of NC before, and knew extended NC was key. But this sucks. I find myself missing her like crazy still, thinking about what she's doing in the last two weeks of her college career. I'm sure it's worse in my mind, but I wonder if her life will be different in a month and if she'll ever contact me again. I get impulses to contact her, but never to say anything of substance, and I never come close to doing so. I broke down and cried yesterday, practically had a panic attack, and feel like I might do the same. I just can't shake her. For the first two weeks I convinced myself she treated me like crap (which she did) but now all I can think about are her positives and how much I want to be with her.

Day 10 New personal high. Feeling much better than I did even a week ago, but I had nowhere to go but up. Still missing her and thinking about the coulda/woulda/shouldas, but I also know that she put us in this position. Very upset with myself with how I acted for two months post-breakup, allowing her to justify leaving me, but there's nothing I can do about that now. Just trusting the process and that by day 30, I'll be even more healed than I am now.

Day 9 This ties the longest day I've ever made it. She's broken it all times before this, but I know that this time is different. I'm going through different emotions throughout the day, sometimes missing her, sometimes getting angry about things I can't control, sometimes getting upset with myself for not leaving her sooner and for letting her completely emasculate me through the 2 month process of our break up. I just wish I would've stood up for myself and showed her that I'm a man. Now that she's seen how weak I can be, I don't know if I'll ever get that chance. Regardless, I do feel better after these 9 days of NC. Less stress than when we were still talking or even together. I know I'll get over her one day, as much as I'll always miss her. It just still hurts to think about what we could've had, but I know I did everything in my power to make things work with her. She just didn't want the same.

Day 7 I'm in such a better place than I was a week ago from today, granted that may also have to do with the fact that it's been 16 out of the last 19 days of NC for me. I've certainly had my moments of sadness, especially early on, but as of lately I've been feeling good and accepting of the fact that my ex is out of my life. She called me on Friday night at 1:30 AM and I didn't pick up. I debated it, but decided just to let it be. I haven't heard from her since and I'm not too concerned with it. I slept with a stranger on Friday also, which was odd, but made me feel better. It made me less angry about her sleeping with other people and I haven't really thought about her love life like I used to. That pit I used to feel in my stomach is gone. Sleeping has been an issue, and I even had a dream about her last night and us hooking up. Normally, that would F up my entire day, but today it just took 30 days for me to adjust to it and accept that it was just a dream. Making myself stay busy has been the main problem. I work from home and am in a dead period for my job. I try to work out, and do every day, but that only kills an hour, maybe two. All in all, I can already feel the NC helping, especially since it's been for an extended period of time. I'm not all the way there- far from it, I still miss her, but I'm at least accepting, positive, and trying to move on. That's a big leap from where I was just a month ago.

Day 4 Struggling. It doesn't feel like it's only been four days, although I guess 13 of the past 16 days have been NC, so I'm kind of used to it. I used to do better with this, because it used to always be my decision. Now she wants nothing to do with me. I keep thinking about sex with her and I keep thinking about how I deserve better and I keep thinking about how badly I screwed up by being needy and I keep thinking about how she gave me no other choice. (I also keep thinking about the terrible grammar I just used). More than anything, I want to feel better. I know 30 days won't do that. She meant too much to me. But I don't have any other choice. I just hope enough time will pass where there's no longer an emotional attachment and she's just a memory or figment of my imagination.

Day 1 After two months of her stringing me along post-breakup, she finally told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore, lost attraction to me at the end of our relationship, and was just hoping a break would change that. She was incredibly blunt and told me she's been hanging out with other guys and wouldn't have any problem hooking up with them (for the two months post breakup we were exclusive, although only hooked up once). She told me she wishes that she wanted to be with me because I'm a great guy and was so good to her, but it's simply not what she wants. She told me that she's sorry this didn't work out, and that was that. I'm dying. I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm having chest pains and am experiencing incredible anxiety. I'm trying to work up the courage to tell my parents I want to see a doctor, but don't want to ruin Easter. I also know who one of the guys she's been hanging out with is, and picturing them together is driving me crazy. I just don't understand how her feelings could die like they did, especially when my remained so strong. I'm trying not to have a self-defeatist attitude, but I feel worthless knowing that I invested so much in somebody who care so little. It hurts knowing that she's moving on, while I'm back at square one and that I held her hand as she got over me. I want to feel better. I just don't know how I can.

Day 10 Broke it. I'm a train wreck.

Day 9 I've skipped a day or two. Haven't been okay, just been too busy to post here. Thursday (Day eight), I woke up stressed, debating if I should or shouldn't text her to wish her luck on her exams. After posting here, I decided against it and went on with my day (worked out, went to work, watched the NCAA tournament at a bar with some friends). All night I couldn't sleep. I was at my parents and since it was a Thursday and she just finished two exams, I figured that she went out. I also got it stuck in my head she was hooking up with someone or was planning on doing so today. When I woke up for good, I had two Facebook inboxes from her: "Don't you think it's a little bit ridiculous that you untagged all of the pictures you were in with me?" "Never mind. It actually doesn't matter at all. Sorry" Naturally this drove me nuts, especially since she had already deleted me on all social media before I untagged the pictures. I've spent all day debating sending "Hey, I know you said it doesn't matter, but I wanted you to know that I only untagged those pictures in the heat of the moment after you unfriended me. If it means anything to you, I saved them to my computer. Hope you're doing well and have a good Easter." I'm a tad bit drunk now, but even now I've decided not to send it. I don't want to waste 9 days of NC and feed her ego. Everyone seems to agree this is the right decision, but they all want me to move on and I want her back. Any insight/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Day 6 Struggling. The past two days have been been tough, and we've never gone this long without talking. I know I won't contact her, I know that will make me feel worse, but that doesn't make this any better. I'm having trouble letting go. We were long distance, and the odds of us meeting were so slim, but the attraction was so strong that we made it work. What are the odds that this will happen again? I've let go of my anger and I just miss her and miss being able to call her my girlfriend. Eight months went by so fast. I almost cried this morning, almost cried at the gym, and am almost crying right now. I want to do the right things- eat well, work harder, and keep working out- but it's really a struggle right now. I just want to feel better. Oh no, here come the tears

Day 5 Having a tough one. Starting to feel like she's forgotten about me. Now that I reflect on our relationship, it's clear that her feelings started to die earlier than I thought. All of the signs were there, I just didn't want to admit it. I miss her, but don't want our old relationship back. I want to move on and am committed to NC, but don't know what else to do. Keep hoping she'll text me, even though I told her I wouldn't respond. I know that this is all a part of the process. I just wish it was easier.

Day 4 Had a good night out last night, but was still thinking about her a lot. I wasn't hurting, because the alcohol and adderall i took helped, but when I woke up in the morning the pain was back. I talked to some friends who have been through bad breakups before last night, and their advice was only time can heal me. It's nothing I didn't already know, but it's good to know other people have been through it and it worked for them. The past two days I've found myself angry, but today I was missing her. My biggest problem right now is convincing myself I don't want her back, even though deep down I do. Our relationship wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy during it, but for some reason- probably wrong ones- I still want her. I found myself checking my phone today, wondering if/when she'll break NC. We usually don't make it to Day 4, but after seeing her this week, it was clear her feelings have all but vanished. That's a tough pill to swallow, but I'm hoping it makes for a more natural healing process.

Day 3 I went to lunch with my parents yesterday and told them everything about her calling me 58 times on St. Patrick's Day (but left out the part about me driving to see her, only to be dumped again). When my dad asked if I still wanted to be with her, I almost started crying, because I do, but I know how pathetic that makes me sound. I went out last night with friends and had an alright time and still thought about her, even as I was talking to other girls. I woke up this morning hungover, missing her, but thought to myself "would I rather have our old relationship back or not care and move on?" I'd rather not care and move on. I was pretty unhappy and anxious while we were together, but moving on seemed unfathomable (and still does). It's a process, but I have to start it sometime and this is it. I still worry that she'll forget about me or is sleeping with or talking to other guys. I have to accept that all of that is out of my control and all I can do is worry about what I do. It's hard to do, but I trust that it's part of the process. Going out again tonight. Not expecting much to change, but hopefully it's a good time.

Day 2 Day 1 had it's ups and downs. I was down for most of the day, but after working out and doing some work, I felt better. I also spent a lot of time on these forums. Sometimes starting threads that generated little conversation, sometimes just observing, and sometimes adding in my own advice from my own experiences- if only I could follow it. I don't think it's healthy for me to spend so much time here, as it will make me dwell, but it has helped some. Waking up this morning was rough. I slept on my couch and lied awake for three hours thinking about her, wondering who she's replaced me with, both for sex and for the nothing texts she used to send me throughout the day. She was fairly promiscuous before she met me, and I'm just having a hard time believing that she hasn't slept with anyone but me (we only did once) for the past two months. I also find myself holding onto a lot of anger. Anger that she used me to hold her hand and get her through this breakup- was seeing her on Wednesday just the final step in this? Anger about things she did to screw up our relationship. Anger than she can't find it in her to give us another chance. Anger she won't text me, even though I told her and myself I would ignore it. We've gone NC three times before this, but this has already been the worst. It feels like it's for real. I know it's for real. She didn't have to say anything to me on Wednesday. Her feelings for me are gone.

Day 1 Me & my ex of 2 months (we dated for eight) have talked since our breakup, tried NC, but she always broke it, telling me she missed or calling me 58 times when she was drunk (seriously). Yesterday, I made the mistake of driving an hour and a half to go to lunch with her for the second time since our breakup, and nothing had changed. If anything, it was clear she doesn't feel the same spark for me that she used to, and even admitted as much. There's still feelings there, and she says she sees a future for us, but it's clear that my actions through the breakup (begging her to get back together) have lowered my value to her. NC is our- nay, mine- only option. I used to be confident, funny, determined, and outgoing, which is what attracted her in the first place. I need to get back to that place, if not for us, than me. She texted me last night before bed and said "I know we aren't talking anymore, but I didn't want our last conversation to end how it did. Please don't forget that I love you." I asked her if we were doing the right thing and she told me we won't know until we try (which is funny cause we've tried and she broke it). We said I love you one last time and haven't talked since. I woke up around 6 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep, but didn't want to get out of bed. All I could think about was seeing that she had liked a Facebook picture of a guy she slept with for three years and who was texting her throughout our relationship. The thought of her being with somebody else terrifies me. I'm going to stick to NC- I'm actually pretty good at it- but it's tough. Today, a girl she hates and has accused me of being with commented on one of my pictures, and I'm wondering if my ex will see it. On the one hand, I hope she does, and that it gives her the emotions I had yesterday, but on the other, I don't want her to see it and get an urge for revenge by banging her ex. I can only control what I can control I guess. I'm giving this 30 days and seeing where I stand then. I'm wondering if/when she'll text me, and if it will be for a legitimate reason or just to string me along. I don't think a text from her would come for at least a week though. I know it's pathetic, but lately I just find myself wishing that love was easy, and that we could get back to how we were. I had never been happier.