How do I get better at sex?

[hers]

Yea like predictable.

 

And "predictable" in my mind is doing it right before bed.

 

When it's spontaneous, it's almost always good, unless it's too hot in the house or the dogs won't leave us alone or something. But otherwise it's much better. Before bed, it's meh.

[annie24]

Well, in some ways, you can't help but it be predictable - you're married and live together and have jobs. It's not like when you were in the early dating stages and you didn't know what would happen on a date, don't know when you would see each other again, ...

 

what about one sex date night, and then one random quickie during the week?

[appies]

Personally, I would stay away from penciling in sex, it makes it an obligation, and less enjoyable.

 

I think you need to re-assure yourself that your husband loves you. And most guys are more easily turned on that girls, so know that even if you may feel awkward with making a new move, chances are he will say yes. So have fun trying it at new places and times. I'm a little jealous that you're going to be discovering a whole new side of sex.

[hers]

Thanks. My husband knows I like to be man-handled and dominated. Not in a humiliating way but I'm very much a take charge person in our day to day lives and in bed I really wouldn't mind being thrown around some. I've told him this. But it hasn't really gotten through

[shellyf62]

How about a nice glass of wine & a nice warm bubble bath?? Makes me relaxed and feeling sexy every time

[hers]

Well, I don't drink and I dislike baths bc of the filth stew it creates so...

 

But I appreciate where you're going with that.

 

Really. I'm just so unsexy. Ugh.

 

But my husband loves me and my body and my quirks. I should try to take some comfort in that.

[IAmFCA]

There is a part of you that associates sex with a negative response, as evidenced by the fact that anticipation turns you off, not on. It may be related to why you disassociate from sex.

 

I really feel like there is something deeper here that would be safer to explore in therapy.

[tiredofvampires]

I'd tend to agree something deeper might be going on, worth exploring, if you're trying to find reasons to avoid intimate action. It doesn't seem to just be about technique.

 

It seems you're still in "casual sex" mode, even though you're married. Which is to say, more or less, "I want mine". But it sounds like you're both going about it somewhat mechanically, set on "getting yours", with the ends being the focus, not the means. It seems like you guys are doing each other more than feeling each other.

 

You might benefit from exploring something called "sensate focus" -- a series of exercises designed by sex therapists to help people tune into their partners and their own bodies more. It calls for putting aside some of the automatic ways you go about sex, and learning to be sensual in new ways just for the sake of itself. It really sounds like that component is missing for you -- the sensuality. The sensate focus process teaches people to tune into their partner and what their partner is feeling, so that would also work on the "selfish" aspect you're talking about -- it would require you to take turns at something which for a while is completely about the other person. There's a lot of information on this approach, in books, articles, and of course in sex therapy. You could probably tap into a lot on your own, though. This is just a cursory start:

 

link removed

[lavenderdove]

This sounds like a case of being awkward on the dance floor because both people are trying to lead and are thinking about where their feet are going. You can't dance if you're concentrating on that.

 

My suggestion is you increase the frequency to at least once or twice a week. Then you alternate times. As in one time, he totally knows he will take the lead and you will do it his way and anything he asks as long as it isn't something you find disgusting. Let him totally call the shots, how you do it, how long etc. Get into the idea of pleasing him, and that this time it is about him and not you.

 

Then the next time, it's all about you. You lead, and he has to agree to do whatever you way to do it, however you want to do it with the goal of it's all about you this time.

 

You can even use the 'tell me what to do' approach on 'his' day. Let him have a running commentary on what he wants you to do next, and you do it.

 

this will relieve some of the awkwardness and help you relax in terms of surrendering to it rather than either both of your trying to lead or neither of you lead. I'll bet if you start doing this, you'll be more eager to get to the next time that is 'your' special day. And that way at least 50% of the time you are getting it your way 100%! So step it up to once or twice a week and alternate who's in 'control' of the evening. And on 'his' night, don't criticize any way he wants to do it, and he should also respect your night and let you have it your way.

[Firiel]

Another thing this reminds me of-- my mom has been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. Now, she's never had any "rituals" that caused her issues in her daily life. Her OCD manifested itself in obsessive thoughts... basically, she had the obsessions without the compulsions. She got weirdly stuck in an issue about sleep. Not sleeping terrified her for no reason. It started out small and then eventually even just a thought of not being able to fall asleep would work her into a mental state where she couldn't sleep. I'm not saying you have diagnosable OCD by any means, but your description of the anticipation of sex killing the drive for you reminds me of the way she's talked about her sleep issue. So I wonder if maybe these intrusive, obsessive thoughts are part of the issue and part of what is not allowing you to really lose yourself in spontaneity.

 

I also think your intimacy issues are a huge factor here, and I think you should explore those with your therapist as well if you are still seeing one regularly.

[IAmFCA]

I concur wholly with this post. OP seems to have heightened sensitivity to time, to routine or rather the absence of it, and other matters. The relationship accommodates these traits, which is wonderful.

 

These sensitivities to certain details are worth exploring and may unlock a whole new understanding of self, which in turn might open up a new way to experience various physical sensations.

[hers]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I didn't used to be so particular (I hate when people say OCD without a diagnosis so while it's possible that's what this is, I'm not yet going to say that about myself) and type A. It wasn't till a few years ago that I did. I've always appreciated structure and predictability, but now it seems that lack of routine is something I fear and is crippling a part of my life. Not necessarily sex bc it's not about the lack of routine for me but it seems that is suffering too.

 

I agree therapy would be beneficial. Now, where do I fit in a therapy appt into my day? Hm....

 

 

Joke. But yes, therapy should be something I consider.

[IAmFCA]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I didn't used to be so particular (I hate when people say OCD without a diagnosis so while it's possible that's what this is, I'm not yet going to say that about myself) and type A. It wasn't till a few years ago that I did. I've always appreciated structure and predictability, but now it seems that lack of routine is something I fear and is crippling a part of my life. Not necessarily sex bc it's not about the lack of routine for me but it seems that is suffering too.

 

I agree therapy would be beneficial. Now, where do I fit in a therapy appt into my day? Hm....

 

 

Joke. But yes, therapy should be something I consider.

 

In case this helps: I just learned that at a local university, the med students start a year of training in July, and see patients for psychotherapy at an incredible discount. They are PhD candidates in pursuit of getting their licenses, and it isn't right for everyone. Where I live it works out to like $30 a session, which is crazy cheap.

 

For someone who is already pretty self-aware, it might be worth exploring.

[hers]

I have free therapy through my health insurance but it's a matter of finding one who does evening appts and who's on the preferred list. I'm going to look into it though.

[IAmFCA]

Excellent! Good luck to you!

 

I was really glad to read how the two of you have found a way to work together.

 

One day when I click on ENA, I hope to see a post of you announcing good things.

[hers]

Thanks. Despite all the crap we've gone through and how miserable we were for a while, and despite my issues with his mom, we do have a great relationship and are very much in love with each other. I've actually began to be more affectionate and all of that too, which was difficult for me before.

[Fudgie]

There is a part of you that associates sex with a negative response, as evidenced by the fact that anticipation turns you off, not on. It may be related to why you disassociate from sex.

 

I really feel like there is something deeper here that would be safer to explore in therapy.

 

I tend to agree with this.

 

I think it's much less about sex and more of it has to do with your intimacy issues (you say that's lifelong, right?) and anxiety issues in terms of needing to stick to a routine.

 

I don't even think has much to do with your husband, TBH. I think if you were married to anyone else (not him) these issues would be happening. Fortunately, I think you can get through this with some help.

 

For some couples, penciling in sex does work. I'm of the mindset that you need to do what works for YOU and your husband. Yes, penciling in sex isn't as romantic as having it spontaneously, but if it works for your marriage, then do it. It's a better option if it makes you feel good AND it's better than the alternative (doing nothing).

 

I do agree with TOV that you sound like you're still a little stuck in the "casual sex" mode. I really feel like a very good individual therapist could help you work on this.

 

We all have our little lifelong struggles. The key is to working on them. You may not be able to make them go away forever but you can get to a point where you are happy and living your life in a way that you feel is fulfilling and happy.

 

Not sure if your employer participates but my workplace has EAP (employee assistance program) and I've gotten free/near free therapy through it. No more waiting periods or having very few doctors to choose from.

[hers]

Oh yes I believe that no matter who I married, I would be like this. Intimacy issues is what it is, really. Sex is sex and sex is good but emotional sex is still foreign to me.

[greywolf]

But if I send a text, I have to hold myself to the sex later and I start anticipation. Like I'm counting down my Sunday before I have to go to work. "8 hours before bed and then work. 6 hours before bed and thn work. 7 hours till work." It becomes "5 hours till I get home, 7 till I shower, then sex." I talk myself out of it.

 

Planning sex makes things awkward, IMO. If it ends up not happening, then at least one person is going to be disappointed.

 

EDIT: I just realized this thread is a bit old. I came to ena to check up on how people were doing lol.

[KelliBaker]

Sex is not everything in a relationship, but if you're having it, it should be good. And if it's not, it's worth working on to make it so. Life is too short to have bad, or sex.Before you rush to the bedroom, talk to each other about your likes and dislikes and fantasies that you would like each other to fulfill. I think It is best option for you.

[hers]

I don't know what more I can do. He wants me to be more physical in my efforts to let him know I want sex. So tonight we were each reading before bed and I put my book away and cuddled up to him, rubbing his back and such. He asked if I was tired or ok bc I sort of sighed I guess and I said I'm tired but want to have sex. Well he didn't respond really but we got to talking about our days and such. Finally like 20 mins passed and I figured he didn't want to but wasn't going to tell me. So I get up to pee and get back in bed to go to bed. Not mad or anything, just figured he didn't want to.

 

He said something to me about one of these days I need to something and I told him one of these days id like him to put the moves on me bc it's been a while. He said he wanted me to put the moves on him tonight.

 

But...I did. At least I thought I was. It's so hard for me to physically try something. I really have a difficult time mentally and emotionally mustering the courage to approach for sex so I not only verbalized it like I usually do but also really made an effort to love on him, cuddle him, do all the stuff I thought he wanted.

 

I told him that's what I was doing and asked what more did he want. He thought for a second and said he didn't know and good night. He ended up almost blaming it on me--how I have told him that just bc I'm cuddling doesn't mean I want sex but when I told him I said it also, he said "yea but you also said you were tired." It's like he wants to misinterpret what I say or just find a way out.

 

I started crying but tried to be quiet about it. He ended up rolling over and lazily put his hand on my hip but there was just no feeling to it. Like it was a chore to comfort me. I didn't say anything for a while and when he tried to cuddle closer, after it was obvious id stopped crying some, I asked him for space.

 

He's asleep now and all I wish I could do is have an orgasm from him but not like this.

[Fudgie]

I'm a bit confused myself. You verbalized and got physical with him because you wanted sex. I'm with you - what does he want exactly? Does he want you to do a strip tease for him or something ridiculous?

 

I mentioned this before, not sure if you have given it thought - I know you are really into routines and such. Have you considered "scheduling" sex with him ahead of time? I know others would cringe at the idea but maybe it could work for you guys. And what works, works, you know? You could tell him ahead of time and he could agree to it and it would take the pressure/worry of initializing the act off of you and to some degree, him as well.

 

I definitely do think that for many couples, spontaneous sex just isn't realistic or doable. Just an idea to try.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[hers]

No I can't schedule sex. It's the anticipation that gets to me and makes me talk myself out of it. I guarantee tomorrow I will be so physically horny and will want the literal void in my vagina filled but will not say anything to him so that I don't have to anticipate the exact moment till we do it tomorrow night.

[Fudgie]

Why does the anticipation make you not want to do it? What is it about it that makes you so uncomfortable?

 

See, I think this is part of that "casual sex" mindset that you need to break out of. With casual sex, there is no anticipation really. You meet someone and go immediately from there. In marriage and a long term relationship, there is usually some anticipation.

[hers]

The more I anticipate it, the better it has to be, and I'm not confident enough to make sex "better"