How do I get better at sex?

[hers]

I can't believe I'm asking this. I'm 31, married 3 years. Started having sex before I was old enough to. Always loved sex any time I started relationships (honeymoon stage). Have tried multiple fetishes, positions, kinky stuff, etc. Have had a bunch of one night stands and FWBs. Have had about 20 partners.

 

But I think I'm bad in bed.

 

Mostly, admittedly, I'm lazy. I'm a little selfish. I am awkward. Intimacy (emotional sex) is very difficult for me. I've never equated sex with emotion, so I don't "make love" despite being married for 3 years and being with my husband for almost 5. I'm not sure I've ever really made love.

 

Here's how it goes with our sex life:

 

--We have sex maybe once every 2 weeks. Neither of us is on th same page. Either I want it and he doesn't, or vice versa.

--If I want it, I vocalize it ("Let's have sex" or "Wanna do me later?"). When he wants it, he's feely. One of us puts "the moves" on the other in this way, but it's never at the "right" time

--If we start talking about doing it too early in th day, planning for later in the evening, I talk myself out of it and won't do it.

--I HAVE to be clean to do it. So does my husband (at my request). So when shower time hits (we don't shower together), I start the anticipation mode and don't want to do it. I'm very weird about being "dirty" (such as if I've already pooped for the day or something...despite being a clean person, I am weird about poop and feel disgusting afterward until I shower)

--If we are gonna do it before bed/after shower, we lie there, him waiting on me to make a move and me talking awkwardly about anything under the sun in order to not feel so awkward.

--We make out a little on our sides. I HATE being on my side and kissing. It's uncomfortable and awkward. He knows I don't like this. But I won't get on top of him b/c I'm lazy and he won't get on top of me, sometimes out of protest, but b/c he does like being twisted together and kissing on our sides.

--Negotiations start. "You get on top." "I was on top last time." Etc. There's nothing sexy about this. We are not a sexy couple.

--We do it. I like hard and medium pace. Husband can't come without pumping fast. By then it's just friction. He can handle doing sex at a medium pace until he's ready to come, and then he starts going fast, but he doesn't come very fast, so it's a good couple minutes of pumping fast before he comes.

--Finished.

 

Sometimes there's oral sex, sometimes there's mutual masturbation. But a lot of the time, it's like this.

 

The negotiations are what I can't stand. I also hate anticipation. We both like spontaneous sex and public sex (we don't do sex in public places often at all anymore but we do enjoy it). Day time sex is always great for us. But most of the time, schedules allow for evening sex after showers/before bed.

 

I'm a very VERY routine person throughout my day. I mean, I can't even work in a phone call to a friend b/c I can't find a right time to do it. So sex of course is not something I can "work into my routine" b/c I'm so particular (sometimes I wonder if I have pscyhological issues with being so particular and unable to stray from routine). I'm also weird with times ("If I don't shower by 9:14, it's too late" kind of things). So naturally, "if we don't have sex by 9:59, it's time for bed."

 

As you can see, I'm my own worst enemy here. My husband says sex doesn't have to be GREAT every time, but I sort of think it shouldn't be bumbling awkwardness with negotiations every time, right? My husband says he enjoys our sex life and though he agrees we should do it more often, says he has no complaints.

 

I'm not sure how to be a sexual person though. Like now that I'm settled with one person for th rest of my life (which I'm perfectly happy with...we have an otherwise great marriage), it's like I lost my edge. I used to be INTO things. Like I couldn't wait for sex. Recently we did anal (at my request) and enjoyed it, though my husband said he's indifferent to anal. And admittedly I did that to just change it up some, for the love of god, even though it was great.

 

So I don't know what the hell I'm doing, even after almost 20 years of doing it. How to make a move, how to just go into it, let it go naturally, stop being lazy...

 

Help?

[annie24]

lol, you crack me up!! it sounds like your husband is happy, so that's good, I bet you're not half bad at all!!

 

Just an idea - Can you guys experiment more? like toys, porn, new positions? Go to a sex shop and see if there's anything you two would like to try together. Send him sexy texts once in a while (or you guys already do that?)

 

As far as 'initiating sex' - I've never found that much to be a problem. One passionate kiss, a sultry look, or a playful touch, that's usually enough to get the message accross.

[annie24]

Sometimes I'm not in the mood for sex, but my bf is. But I go ahead anyway, and then find myself enjoying it anyway. Maybe it would help doing that?? Even if it's a quickie?

[IAmFCA]

Your post sounds like you are very self aware and going down the right path.

 

To answer your question: to be better at sex, you will need to learn to be more intimate and more flexible.

 

Based on your description about routine and the importance of detail, I suggest it may be helpful for you to get help making these changes.

 

Have you ever been to a therapist?

[BrianH46]

Wow that is absolutely horrible. Have you been this way the entire time you have been sexually active or only with your husband?

 

Well being sexual for me stems from, for a lack of a better word, an "appetite." Take it slow close your eyes and use your tongue and teeth to explore. Start at his neck and see where it goes from there. Also no talking on yours or his part. Use your most primitive senses and see what happens when you get hungry. I apologize for the terrible analogies. Also I find that intelligent women are more cerebral when it comes to sex and arousal, have you ever tried writing down sexual scenarios with your husband while being as descriptive as possible?

[hortlzy]

good in bed is subjective....it depends on what our partner wants and his or her own tastes and your tastes....as everybody is sexually different, there cannot a one size fits all "good in bed" as society/pop culture says...

 

I'd say go on a mutual "exploration" as it were...you'd then have more fun finding out what you like and don't like

[hers]

We have toys that we use sometimes. We don't mind porn. Neither of us has a sheltered background that makes sex icky. I've just always been this was once emotion is involved. It's very easy for me to disassociate sex from emotion.

 

For the record, I absolutely adore my husband and we've found ways to get past all the crap we went through when we first married. We've gotten through it together and we are happy. And I make sure we talk about it too and keep the lines of communication open. So I'm vocal with him that I think I'm bad in bed and not in a fishing way either. He knows to be honest with me. He said "sometimes you're selfish in bed." An my response was "ha, sometimes?"

 

So yes, self awareness. I've got loads. And I try to work on my issues and most important, try not to make him responsible for those issues.

 

I love reading crappy romance novels (not a lot of sex in the ones I read though). I've read a lot of penthouse letters books (like seriously. For the articles). So I know what I SHOULD be doing. It's the getting there. I know what my husband likes.

 

But even grabbing his penis...I turn it into an awkward grab. Like how on earth do you deductively grab a penis?

 

Another thing is my husband likes dirty talk. I don't. I find it distracting. But I know when to start doing it and I will humor him sometimes. But the ther night I actually had to tell him to stop talking.

 

I haven't been to a therapist regarding sex but I have seen therapists in the past for familial issues and when my husband cheated on me before marriage. I also did 6 years of a 12 step group and that's where all that self awareness comes from.

[annie24]

my bf likes dirty talk too. lol, you read those romance novels, throw some of those phrases in there!! send a text telling him what you want later.

 

how to seductively grab a penis? lol. I am thinking like he is in the kitchen, washing his hands, and you hug him from behind and move your hands down to his package, outside of his jeans.

[hers]

good in bed is subjective....it depends on what our partner wants and his or her own tastes and your tastes....as everybody is sexually different, there cannot a one size fits all "good in bed" as society/pop culture says...

 

I'd say go on a mutual "exploration" as it were...you'd then have more fun finding out what you like and don't like

 

Unfortunately, this response is too vague for me.

 

I know I like this stuff: hard penetration at a medium pace, oral sex, on top sitting straight up (does nothing for my husband), public sex, lesbian porn, boobs squeezed instead of titilated, spanking and hair pulling. But not every time in bed.

 

I know my husband likes this stuff: dirty talk, when I pay any attention whatsoever to his penis, neck kisses and bites, 69, and fast pumping.

 

It's the anticipation that get me. I literally have to talk mysel into grabbing his penis bc I'm just awkward. I can't even think of why it's awkward. It just is.

[hers]

my bf likes dirty talk too. lol, you read those romance novels, throw some of those phrases in there!! send a text telling him what you want later.

 

how to seductively grab a penis? lol. I am thinking like he is in the kitchen, washing his hands, and you hug him from behind and move your hands down to his package, outside of his jeans.

 

But if I send a text, I have to hold myself to the sex later and I start anticipation. Like I'm counting down my Sunday before I have to go to work. "8 hours before bed and then work. 6 hours before bed and thn work. 7 hours till work." It becomes "5 hours till I get home, 7 till I shower, then sex." I talk myself out of it.

[hers]

And y'all. I seriously love my husband. I really am nuts about him. Please don't question if I'm a lesbian or if I'm not over his cheating on me. These are lifelong issues I've dealt with in having sex inside of relationships.

[annie24]

stop talking yourself out of things!! lol. As far as dirty texts, it doesn't even have to be, "Sex tonight?" but like, "I'm thinking about your giant ---- right now...."

 

do you and your husband have to be freshly showered for sex? maybe you can try to ease up on that a bit. I get it, you don't want to have sex after a long day, it's hot and humid, and you went #2 - you want to clean up first.... but i mean, what if you both are reasonably clean and good smelling (if not freshly showered?)

[appies]

I think that you more or less have answered most of your own questions. Have you tried initiating sex his way? Being touchy, it may be awkward at first, but maybe it could change the way you and him approach sex.

 

Also, if one thing stops good sex, its being lazy. Be interactive, don't lay there. Dont argue about who goes where, just do it go with feel.

 

I would say try and be less particular, when you are able to remove your norms of 'sides' or be being 'clean' it will make things spontaneous and exciting, just like day sex.

[hers]

Yea but the question is how to stop talking myself out of those things!! How do I stop?

 

God love jared. He really does accept my weird stuff. I imagine him eulogizing me at my funeral just listing all of my quirks.

 

The shower thing--I never used to be so intense about it but I get self conscious. I think that stuff started when I was walking dogs for a living (before jared was even in the picture) and I literally stunk at the end of the day even though I am a clean person (I mean, what type A isn't?). And by stunk I mean just smelled of animals and cat litter and sweat. Or maybe I didn't stink of it but I still smelled it if that makes sense.

 

So ever since I've been obsessive about being clean, not just for me but for others too.

[Cheetarah]

I can't stop laughing at "Wanna do me later?" and awkward penis groping. For what it's worth, at times I've given a handy and been like..Hmm. This flapping sound sounds like toothbrushing. Look at the angle of my hand, how awkward is that. My carpal tunnel is really bothering me...Oh, we're having sexy time. Think sexy thoughts. Sometimes it's just like that. Most other times, I'm able to get lost in it.

 

Sounds like the Type A aspects of yourself are leaking into your sex life, no bueno. I agree that you need to learn to be more flexible, less rigid. And less lazy. One small act of pleasure at a time. I agree too in mixing up your approach, and trying it his way via touches and feels.

[hers]

I think that you more or less have answered most of your own questions. Have you tried initiating sex his way? Being touchy, it may be awkward at first, but maybe it could change the way you and him approach sex.

 

Also, if one thing stops good sex, its being lazy. Be interactive, don't lay there. Dont argue about who goes where, just do it go with feel.

 

I would say try and be less particular, when you are able to remove your norms of 'sides' or be being 'clean' it will make things spontaneous and exciting, just like day sex.

 

Well a few weeks ago, it wa like 2am and we were up talking and I just all the sudden spooned into him and sort of moved my butt in a way that he liked, and that became the night of anal.

 

Later, he said, "by the way, that's how you make a move on me."

 

But then the next time we did it, I went bak to my move of being awkward and stumbling over the words indicating I wanted it.

[hers]

I can't stop laughing at "Wanna do me later?" and awkward penis groping. For what it's worth, at times I've given a handy and been like..Hmm. This flapping sound sounds like toothbrushing. Look at the angle of my hand, how awkward is that. My carpal tunnel is really bothering me...Oh, we're having sexy time. Think sexy thoughts. Sometimes it's just like that. Most other times, I'm able to get lost in it.

 

Sounds like the Type A aspects of yourself are leaking into your sex life, no bueno. I agree that you need to learn to be more flexible, less rigid. And less lazy. One small act of pleasure at a time. I agree too in mixing up your approach, and trying it his way via touches and feels.

 

Thanks for ruining handys for me forever!

[Cheetarah]

What if you had sex at 10:03? What would be the consequence, 4 minutes less of sleep? What if there's 7 hours until work? What would happen if there were 6? I'm seriously suggesting that you write down the possibilities if you derailed from your schedule. To just put it out there in black and white.

[hers]

Haha, cheet, in all seriousness, that's what happens to me.

 

I've tried doing it with lights off in case I can be more serious while in the dark but that usually turns into poking him in the eye with my nose and making an awkward joke about it while he's still trying to find my mouth with his.

 

Man, I should write satirical romance novels. I'd make a million.

[hers]

What if you had sex at 10:03? What would be the consequence, 4 minutes less of sleep? What if there's 7 hours until work? What would happen if there were 6? I'm seriously suggesting that you write down the possibilities if you derailed from your schedule. To just put it out there in black and white.

 

Thanks. I have to plan everything...I had to ask my friend if I could call her at x time to find out about her recent engagement...FOUR DAYS AGO. And this was the maid of honor on my wedding. And I'm already planning a Labor Day trip to see a friend and asked jared if he wanted to go and he said he doesn't want to plan so far in advance. I'm like "but it's ONLY 2 months away almost!"

 

Truth be told, I don't sleep till at least 11. But I need to be in bed by 10 so I can...read and play candy crush?

 

Why????

 

I swear I'm much better alone. Dang.

[annie24]

what if you and your husband worked sex into your daily routine? i know that doesn't sound fun and spontaneous, but if you like a rigid schedule, and you want to do it more often, why not dedicate 9-10 PM each night to play time? (followed by candy crush if you finish early??)

[hers]

I've considered that, but I don't want him to have to be into my crazy need for routine when he's not a routine person at all.

 

Like when I started with a sponsor in 12 steps years ago, she told me she doesn't just want me to call when I need her, so to make sure I don't, I had to call her for at least 2 minutes each day for 30 days. This was to ensure I got comfortable with calling her each day and not feeling like a burden.

 

So I thought, hm, maybe I can just be sure to kiss jared for a good long minute so I can learn to just freaking do it without it being a huge deal.

 

I'm not sure how he'd react to trying to do sex daily.

[annie24]

or however many times a week you would like to do it? Set aside a "sex date night." (and of course, you can still do the spontaneous thing too).

[hers]

Well one complaint he had before we married was we always seemed to do it weekly on Sundays, every Sunday. So I don't think I'll propose that but maybe make sure we do it once a week without fail (cue my anxiety)?

[annie24]

complaint? as in it was too predictable?

 

my boyfriend prefers daily sex in a live-in relationship, so I feel like if we lived together, there would be no way but for it to be basically predictable - lol. probably after work, but before bed??