How do I get better at sex?

[annie24]

how about not 'better' - just different?

[Fudgie]

I'm not really sure what you mean by "better". Do you mean more moves, more positions, etc?

 

It almost sounds like you're worrying about impressing someone.

[faraday]

I think I would have read the "I'm tired" things as not wanting sex. Maybe he wants to be seduced. Pushed up against the wall....or groped when reading. Today when you're ready for him, tell him to "take off his pants, you want him now" and if that doesn't get indicate what you want, idk what else will.

 

Idk this guy, and I don't know your relationship...but what I can tell you...is that you don't really assume the best in him. Like the hip cuddle thing could be because you tell him you need space and he's anticipating rejection. Or he could be really tired.

 

The "I want him to comfort me but only in the moment I want it" thing must be challenging for both of you. Can't you just say "what is this half cuddle? Come here." And pull him into you? Or tell him, "I need a hug"

 

These things are small....but accumulated, they lead to people separating themselves from their partner in relationships.

 

Maybe I'm reading things wrong....idk...but being loved is mostly being loveable. Be loveable and give love.

 

Always give a little more than you think you should, and take a little less than you want.

[hers]

All of that stuff you suggested gives me complete anxiety. That stuff is what I can't figure out how to do--just the blind groping and everything. It's like a wall I can't push through.

[faraday]

I'm anxious when I do new things. But then I try it and the next time it's not as scary. It's always hard leaving our comfort zone...someone once told me that if you wake up and don't feel a bit of anxiety about your day, you've become complacent...and it's time to break out of that patten and do something new.

 

He's your husband. You promised to love each other for the rest of your lives. He loves you. He accepts you. He won't reject you if you put yourself out there. He'll admire you and think you're awesome.

[hers]

But I put myself out there last night and was rejected and then practically blamed.

[faraday]

He said he didn't think you were interested. You weren't blatant enough for him to recognize what you wanted.

 

At the same time, good for you for asking what he wanted. I don't know what the tone was, but if you were frustrated it could have come accross as being confrontational instead of supportive, which is maybe why he responded with "idk"...

 

So maybe try asking him again today when you're both in good moods? Then you could try whatever he suggests?

[hers]

I'd said "I'm tired but I want to have sex", not "i want to have sex but I'm tired." To me there's a difference.

 

I asked him what he wanted as soon as I started crying so maybe the tone sounded a little desperate.

[faraday]

Maybe he wanted more enthusiasm? Who knows?

 

It sounds like you guys have a different relationship dynamic than I've ever experienced...so I'll bow out since I have no idea how this relationship works

[hers]

I'm sorry

[faraday]

Lol no, it's me. I'm not sure what to add to this. I'm very sexually forward, I say exactly what I'm feeling in that moment...I'm incapable of filtering or sugar coating...often to my detriment. We're just different. Any advice I give you would be turning you into something you're not. We should be authentic to ourselves if nothing else in life.

[Fudgie]

Okay, just my guess but the "I'm tired but still want to do it"...I think he may have shyed away from it because he felt like you didn't really want it. Next time, I would leave out the "I'm tired" part. But I think you two need to have a very frank talk when the emotions have died down and you are both calm, and you can find out exactly what he's looking for, like, what actions would turn him on. It doesn't make much sense to just "wing it" and try different things when you are uncomfortable and worried about rejection when you can just talk to him and find out exactly what he wants.

[journeynow]

I'm sorry

 

Aw, hers...it sounds like there is a lot of anxiety around this, which makes it all the harder. My sense is that he heard the sigh and " I'm tired but" and anticipated rejection despite what you said about wanting sex. It may not be what was said/sighed, but how. A long sigh, drawn out with "hmmmmmm....mmmm...hmm...hmm...hmm" can sound like you're thinking of something pleasurable.... and "I'm a bit sleepy, butttt....I've got bigger things on my mind...." (smile, nuzzle, ear nibble) "...how about you?"

 

Don't pressure yourself, don't worry about getting it right, or "better", think of it as exploring new territory and discovering new treasures. Perhaps let go of your expectations of what sex is, or should be this time, and make it about him feeling good, and just explore that, ways to make him relax and feel good. (And if he falls asleep, don't take it as rejection, he just felt so good and relaxed he fell asleep. And his good relaxed feeling might pay off later when he wakes up, remembering...)

[hers]

We talked a little yesterday after work and he said that I sometimes make him feel like I just want sex but not necessarily sex with him (which isn't surprising that he says that bc sex is pretty much just physical. I've always had an issue putting emotion into sex) and that he can't just "turn it on" when I simply just cuddle up next to him, but expecting him to do the next steps. He'd like me to be more aggressive about it but understands it's hard for me.

 

I guess one of these days I'll get there.

[faraday]

I'm proud of you for talking to him about that

[hers]

Well I will always talk to him about it. I'm very vocal and 99% of the time say what's on my mind, even if I think it's a bad idea. Because it's better than silence or letting resentments build b/c I stayed silent . It's a matter of fixing it that's the problem. Sigh.

[greywolf]

So he knows that it's very difficult for you to initiate, and when you try, he rejects you (Ok, I know from his point of view he might not have been rejecting you, but I know how that can feel on your end)?

 

My boyfriend and I used to have a similar problem too. I felt like every time I initiated, he'd reject me. Either because he was too tired, or I think he'd have performance anxiety whenever I initiated, so eventually I just stopped initiating, and I'd feel frustrated waiting for him to initiate. I don't think guys understand how hard it is for women to be rejected.

[hers]

Last night I was getting dressed after my shower and ended up putting my boobs in his face just to be playful. And then it dawned on me that that's a move he's probably talking about. And i felt comfortable doing that bc I was being playful. So I asked him would he see that as a move and he said yea but he knows it's not bc I'm being playful.

 

And I understood there's never going to be any way that he can read me properly bc I can't even read myself. Geez.

 

So I need to work on my consistency I guess haha

[Firiel]

Last night I was getting dressed after my shower and ended up putting my boobs in his face just to be playful. And then it dawned on me that that's a move he's probably talking about. And i felt comfortable doing that bc I was being playful. So I asked him would he see that as a move and he said yea but he knows it's not bc I'm being playful.

 

And I understood there's never going to be any way that he can read me properly bc I can't even read myself. Geez.

 

So I need to work on my consistency I guess haha

 

Is there any way that something playful like that could turn into something real? I mean, being playful/having fun is another side of intimacy. Why couldn't it start out as just something you are doing for fun and then make a natural transition into spontaneous sex?

[hers]

He said "is that a move?" I told him it wasn't intended to be but now that I think about it, yea I could go for some sex. We didn't though bc he wasn't feeling too well

[annie24]

My bf tickles my belly and asks if I want to play. Like I'm a puppy or something.

[Fudgie]

Would he like it if you were a little more dominant?

 

I have been rather demanding in the pas when it comes to sex. "Hey, take off your pants"... "Let me touch it"....."Let's go to bed".

 

Ever thought of being a little more aggressive? It sends a pretty darn clear message.

[Fresh Air]

Some ideas:

 

1. Try not getting dressed after you shower. If your comfortable with it.

 

2. Go to bed naked, regularly. Easy access makes other things come easier.

 

3. If you are apprehensive to touch him, perhaps you are not apprehensive to touch yourself. When you are in the mood, just start masturbating beside him and let him see you getting aroused. He won't question your mood. He might want to get involved. If he doesn't, so what, you'll get to please yourself anyhow.

 

4. Occasionally, when my wife and I get in a funk, we make a 'constitution' or contract. It does good for bypassing our 'bad habits'. The last time we did this it went something like this:

Each person will provide 5 minutes of oral sex on the other at least once a day. This can be repeated if desired, but cumming is not the goal. Cumming can be the goal of the second time or of sex. Cumming is not necessary for either person. At least once a day, the penis must be placed in the vagina. Regular sex is not necessary to place the penis in the vagina, it just has to go in for at least a brief period of time...even if it is in, rest, and out.

Even though sex was not necessary to meet these rules...it pretty much happened every time. Neither had to initiate or seduce. It was just a thing we had to do.

[eskimobobseal]

Man this makes me miss my sex life with my ex. We couldn't STAND each other but the sex was fantastic.

 

Here's a tip, ya'll are married so you can do this - tell him to be more dominant. Look, when I wanted to do it with my girl, I'd randomly grab her and make out with her and touch her everywhere. In a matter of minutes the clothes were off and we were doing it. There was never ever a "okay so we have sex at 6PM Eastern Standard time tonight", you just do it when you feel like it and make it spontaneous - that's the key to a great sex life imo

[hers]

I have aske him to be more dominant and on some level he is but sometimes he doesn't want to "chase" me for sex. I've been getting better and there no complaint on either side. Right now anyway!