Slapped in front of a crowd

[shortchica]

Things between my boyfriend and I have been improving. It's been about three weeks since I sat him down and told him that the way he was treating me was unacceptable. After denying it and putting the blame on me - as usual - I told him our relationship was over and I would be moved out by the end of the month. We spent the next few hours of the night on opposite sides of the apartment until he came in and apologized and told me he wants to be better for us. The past three weeks have been much, much better and he has been verbal abuse free. Any time he has made a mild comment that I don't like, I remind him not to speak to me that way and he stops himself.

 

Tonight we went to our first swing dance class. Turns out the class wasn't what we were anticipating and will likely not be going back, but we decided to stick it out through the first class at least. We ended up being the only young couple (20s-30s) amidst a room of age 50+ couples. We showed up in workout clothes, with me in pretty tight yoga pants, expecting a jive-y swing class... only to find out it was a much slower pace and would not be picking up at all. All the other couples were in nice clothes, like button-downs and heels, so I already felt extremely out of place.

 

Once the class was over, the instructors were saying goodnight as all the couples stood in a somewhat circle and listened. For some reason my boyfriend decided then was a great time to forcefully and loudly slap my butt. In a room of about 20 people, where at least 10 could visibly see and the rest could easily hear. To say I was mortified was an understatement. I looked up and saw several people laughing, so in reaction, I smacked his arm. I kept my head down and refused to look at the people while we got our things and left.

 

While walking back to the car, I started talking about how the class went. He pulls out his phone and starts doing something on it, ignoring me. I ask if he's mad, and he won't talk to me. I ask if he's REALLY mad at me because I didn't like him smacking my butt in front of a room of people. He ignores me. We get to the car and I ask him again, he says he was "just being playful" and is visibly aggressively angry at me. I told him playful is not forcefully slapping my butt in front of a room of people our parents' ages. If he wanted to give me a small, private smack, I would have loved it. But embarrassing me by doing so? Not okay.

 

I explained to him that, with his age difference (he's over 10 years older) and the fact that I was wearing rather tight pants, what it looked like to everyone is that he was claiming his territory, saying "MINE" to everyone. I told him I was already uncomfortable with being the only one in tight pants and that smacking me loud enough so everyone can hear is just embarrassing - and I don't often get embarrassed. His anger keeps rising as I explain why it was a hurtful thing to do and that, if he feels that is something he wants to do in the future, alternatives that also get the point accross. He said he was just trying to "show we're a fun-loving couple" and instead I showed that we're not. I tried to explain that slapping my butt makes me look like a piece of meat, not like we're a cute couple, but he kept shouting "GOT IT" until I stopped talking.

 

My thought is that if he saw that he very obviously embarrassed me and made me feel like his piece of meat arm candy that he would feel bad for hurting me and apologize. The only sorry I got from him was "sorry if that was offensive to you."

 

 

 

Did I overreact by smacking his arm and explaining to him that it was a hurtful and embarrassing thing to do? After walking out of the building I tried to move on by talking about other things and not even addressing it, but his very clear anger (that was really aggressive, as he was driving recklessly the whole way home and even almost took out someone crossing the street) made me want to talk it out with him. I never raised my voice, just tried to explain to him that his actions weren't going to fly with me in the future. That wasn't even a conversation I was going to have if he wasn't so angry. Should I have handled it differently? Should I apologize to him?

[Ms Darcy]

I'm pretty sure you want to keep the relationship so I would just say let it go and wait for the next dust up.

[mhowe]

I think that hitting him back wasn't called for.

And while you say you explained I a calm manner...the number of time in your explanation led him to say "I got it"....means you may have continued the explanation beyond what was necessary...saying the same thing over and over.

 

However...I concur with Ms Darcy. You told him..he for it..drop it.

[ParisPaulette]

So he's been verbally abusive to you until you threatened to leave if he didn't start changing his ways. So he stops being verbally aggressive and instead starts to hurt you physically in front of other people and then gets angry when you're justifiably upset about it. And the fact that you smacked him back, not good. Not good at all, because you are both escalating from verbal abuse into the physical. I agree with you, there is zero reason for him to have done what he did unless it was either a) a spillover of pent-up aggression and anger at the fact that he hasn't been able to verbally abuse you or b) he wanted to deliberately humiliate you in public and to see if he can now escalate his abuse to include physical abuse. Or c) it's some combination of both.

 

My take on this whole scenario is that when someone is verbally abusive and suddenly they start hurting you physically even in "play" (a term that abusers love to toss out there as an excuse for shoving, pushing, slapping, knocking, grabbing etc.) it means they are becoming more aggressive, not less. Stay with him at your own peril, because I think this is a clear warning sign that things are going to get worse. His attitude proves that as well since most people just a) wouldn't do that to begin with or b) would apologize and say they didn't mean to hurt or upset you and won't do it again. They wouldn't get angry when you tell them you didn't like it, that's for sure. And there is zero reason for you to apologize, he is the one who should be doing that.

 

Also your responding back in a physical manner means that you are both walking into very dark territory where getting physically rough with each other is your solution to conflict. I do understand why you did it, but you have to ask yourself why you want to stay in a relationship where you have to retaliate the physical with the physical. Again, this is a pretty serious red flag that the relationship isn't healthy to say the least.

[CeeLambrini]

No one is entitled to do anything to your body without permission, including the degrading and painful slap your boyfriend inflicted on you in public. If it was truly intended to be playful, then you have to question why your boyfriends morals and values allow such degrading behaviour to be seen as lighthearted and affectionate. If it was not intended to be playful, and in fact was some kind of pent up aggression in him that he is unable to release in other ways, then be prepared for more "playful" smacks whenever he sees fit.

The bottom line is that your boyfriend is unable to take responsibility for his actions. He is unable to see why he went wrong, and instead will assume it is you being irrational and unreasonable for the sake of a fight. It seems like despite almost losing you, he is unable to snap out of this delusion - he has proven this here.

If you continue with this relationship, you will be lead down a path where in order to have a peaceful relationship you must never show your upset, always take the blame for your feelings, and let him do whatever he wants to you as long as he describes it as "fun" or "playful".

The fact is, he will never get help as long as he believes that it is you with the problem.

[lavenderdove]

I'm not sure this man is up to your level. You've posted other threads where he watches lame TV shows that bother you, and now he's slapping your butt in public and embarrassing you etc. Sounds like he's a bit of a cretin to be honest.

 

So you have a deeper issue here in that there seems to be quite a bit of conflict and incompatability here. It would shock and annoy me too if someone did that to me in public, and the fact that he doesn't get that it wasn't appropriate just shows you you and he are on different levels intellectually I think. He may not 'get' that his behavior is not appropriate, or he may just be one of those crude guys who doesn't care whether it is appropriate or not as long as he is entertaining himself, and if you find his behavior crude, that will never work out in the end because you will lose more and more respect for him over time as he behaves crudely and disrespects you.

 

And this: 'He bosses me around and asserts his manly dominance every chance he gets. It's this attitude that I'm his employee that is driving me insane.' You've expressed a lot of discontentment in your other threads, where he's being a jerk and trying to dominate you, boss you around, verbally abuse you, talk down to you.'

 

And he had a list of his 10 ex-GFs on a post-it note on his desk, and also lied about who they were? he's keeping score!

 

Really, this guy isn't good enough for you... i'm sorry. Don't marry him or I think it will be much worse as soon as he feels he 'owns' you because you're his wife.

[Kattie]

Don't beat yourself up over this one (as to whether you did a wrong thing or not). The guy sounds like an ignorant dud. Yucky!!! Stick to your original plan and ditch him. No one changes from being abusive that at easily. He'll revert back to his old self. A little pain now I worth avoiding a bigger one later on.

[MisUnderstood9]

Reading this, I am starting to think if my boyfriends and i's relationship is wrong or if I am just a weird person?

 

My boyfriend smacks my ass quite a bit -- in public, around the house, privately. I don't take offense by it no matter where I am. I actually start thinking something is wrong if he hasn't done it in a while I guess everyones different.

 

But I do agree with mhowe, him yelling "got it" at you means you probably over explained and kept repeating yourself and he got very annoyed. I would just let it go, no need to keep talking about it.

[lavenderdove]

>>My boyfriend smacks my ass quite a bit -- in public, around the house, privately. I don't take offense by it no matter where I am. I actually start thinking something is wrong if he hasn't done it in a while I guess everyones different.

 

Actually, in most circles doing that in public is really bad manners... it's copping a feel in front of other people, which can be awkward to watch, especially for older people, so not polite to do in other people's company.

[journeynow]

I never raised my voice, just tried to explain to him that his actions weren't going to fly with me in the future.I never raised my voice, just tried to explain to him that his actions weren't going to fly with me in the future. That wasn't even a conversation I was going to have if he wasn't so angry. Should I have handled it differently? Should I apologize to him?

 

It sounds like you kept explaining your point of view. He shared his point of view, and you responded by repeating yours. You wanted him to feel bad, you wanted him to see your view, you did not want to see his view, so basically you wanted to be right and him to be wrong at that moment. It might have gone smoother if you didn't feel you had to explain or argue your point, just simply state how you feel about being spanked in public and that you don't want him to do it anymore. Then leave it at that. No need to argue.

 

Do you feel you two might be incompatible?

[annie24]

Given this thread and your other threads about him, it sounds like you are staying in an abusive relationship and this is a pattern for you.

[redswim30]

I really don't think this is a good relationship for either of you. I agree with the above post, pattern of abuse.

[MisUnderstood9]

>>My boyfriend smacks my ass quite a bit -- in public, around the house, privately. I don't take offense by it no matter where I am. I actually start thinking something is wrong if he hasn't done it in a while I guess everyones different.

 

Actually, in most circles doing that in public is really bad manners... it's copping a feel in front of other people, which can be awkward to watch, especially for older people, so not polite to do in other people's company.

 

It's mostly if like we're in the mall and I walked in front of him to go look at something its a quick, smack. I kinda just look at him a giggle, but Ive never been embarassed by him doing it

[Snny]

It's been about three weeks since I sat him down and told him that the way he was treating me was unacceptable. After denying it and putting the blame on me

I told him I was already uncomfortable with being the only one in tight pants and that smacking me loud enough so everyone can hear is just embarrassing - and I don't often get embarrassed. His anger keeps rising as I explain why it was a hurtful thing to do and that, if he feels that is something he wants to do in the future, alternatives that also get the point accross. He said he was just trying to "show we're a fun-loving couple"

That bold part really made me cringe. Slapping your butt in front of older, mature couples... Can we say INSECURE?! He comes accross as a punk ass kid than to be taken seriously as an adult.

 

And if he wants to act cocky like that again, I wouldn't let him catch a rode with you- his ass would be walking home if he were my boyfriend. That'll teach him some manners.

 

It's time he goes. You gave him one last chance and he still can't be bothered to take you seriously. F that, sweety. He behaves like a child and he's made it clear he has no plans on improving his social skills in the realms of adulthood.