Girlfriend can't seem to hold down a job

[journeynow]

OK. So she's 26, a couple thousand in debt, no car, no license, a liberal arts degree, living 30 miles outside a town that has few job opportunities. You are posting because you are concerned that you will have to dump her down the road if she can't hold a good job. In addition she has anxiety issues that prevent her from being in a care-taking role.

 

I don't recall a liberal arts degree leading to abundant job opportunities. It might provide a well rounded education, but not a career path unless one continues their education. Which takes money. Which you don't have.

 

She's 26, so her father isn't really a concern any more. It sounds like she is not very employable. What kinds of jobs can she do?

 

What do you want to do with your life? You mentioned the possibility of marriage. Do you want a family? It sounds like she wouldn't want children, it would be too much for her anxiety, is that correct?

 

The thing is, it sounds like there is something missing that will make this situation work.

[Sam _]

Liberal arts degrees certainly don't; that degree, as well as the majority of other degrees available, are considered "hobby degrees" and so don't wind up getting considered to be valid employment degrees. It's a shame that a piece of paper is more a requirement than actual knowledge; so basically, money matters more than competence or intelligence.

 

I honestly do not know what kind of jobs she can do. I know that she is very flexible and easy to train as she picks things up and runs with them very swiftly and competently. Her last job was court reporting as a stenographer, but that lasted four months (that's the one that praised her, then fired her for a false reason). Employment history, she certainly is not employable; when it comes to her personality and ethic, she certainly is. It is more a problem of appearance and lack of job opportunities than anything else.

 

I want to be in management or work in the video gaming industry. I do want to get married and have kids, but my first and foremost priority is being financially secure before I even consider either one and she is of the same mindset. She does want kids and her anxiety has been getting better, its just something that she won't be able to cure without therapy... which costs money.

[journeynow]

Back to your original post:

 

I'm certainly not the type of person to stay in a relationship if I am unhappy or if I have to be the sole caretaker when it will require living paycheck to paycheck, but I also worry about losing a great woman.

 

Any thoughts or advice for when I come down that road?

 

I think you are seeing red flags. This is who she is, and how she makes choices. A liberal arts degree isn't job training, she didn't choose a career path. (It's not about intelligence or knowledge, it's if the knowledge learned in geared toward that field of work.) Moving to a remote place without a car or a driver's license creates a problem, leaving her with no transportation, and that was a choice or lack of planning on her part. What will you do if she accidentally gets pregnant? She could become more dependent on you, and not according to your plan.

 

It is odd that you say her family members won't "take her in" and when her father did "take her in" he "refused to buy her clothes" suitable for the area. I really don't understand the idea that a 26 year old gets "taken in", she's not a toddler to be taken in, and anyone "refusing to buy" anything for her just isn't suitable thinking. She has to earn her keep, even with family. If I were in her situation I sure would walk 2 miles through snow and sub-zero temperatures to get to my job, and I would not be anything close to late to work, I'd get there 10-15 minutes early, and do what is needed to keep that place in business and lucrative so they can afford to keep me hired.

 

My guess is something has to drastically change for things to improve for her. I don't mean simply getting the next job, she needs more than that. She needs to get creative to solve some of her problems, and it might involve moving out for awhile, living where she can work without driving, getting a job that includes room and board, or in a larger town on a bus-line, or get into a training program, getting financial aid toward career training, move to a better area economically, finding a way to start therapy.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry, but that is not princess behavior. Princess behavior is expecting everyone to do everything for you and feeling entitled to it.

 

I think both of you seems to try diffuse blame so that she does not have to take full responsibility.

 

-It wasn't my fault I was fired because it was cold and no one would give me a ride (as if I was entitled to a ride)

 

-I can't get a driver's license because the testers won't tell me what my mistake was (versus I need to study harder and try again)

 

-She only had clothing for Florida weather, which is hardly suitable for snow and her father is the only family that could afford to take her in and took her in but refused to buy her clothes suitable for the temperature. Her priority was dumping money into paying off her debt, so she had no money to buy clothes when they dropped all seasonal help. (As if it's her father's job to buy her winter clothes).

 

Abuse is when you are being constantly insulted and attacked constantly for every little flaw, or even when the abuser is just in a generally bad mood; this is exactly what she dealt with.

 

I think your responses have constantly insulting and attacking for every little flaw or even when you are in a generally bad mood (e.g. annoyed). You state your perceptions as absolute truth and ridicule anyone (in this case half a dozen respondents) who disagree. If you talk to your girlfriend/daughter in any way like you are responding to us when you are "annoyed" with her, it sounds like your gf just transitioned from one daddy figure who talks down to her to another.

 

Also, it is not a exaggeration. If you read what I stated before, I stated I have read the correspondence e-mails from back when she first started. I am very familiar with how she worked and the quality of her work, and she was fired for being a couple minutes late ONCE. If this was false or merely an excuse, I would not have said it.

 

Once again, I would not be claiming it was abuse if it were not true.

 

Maybe you should read and, if you think there isn't enough information or want to make an assumption, inquire for MORE information on a specific subject.

 

Maybe actually read more than my first post, I've explicitly stated repeatedly in and after my first post that what I look for is someone who has their stuff together. I also stated in my last post that it isn't a matter of me wanting to be the hero that makes me stay with her, but rather because I do see her making real efforts to ensure she does not have to be dependent on me and can tell dependency is not a personality trait. Read my last post in response savignon, as I won't repeat myself. Like I said to Darcy, do not bother to comment if you're going to barely read what I post and then make false assumptions.

 

You apparently didn't, considering I've stated several times that she actively tries to better the situation. ... My question is how I should handle it if her luck with jobs continue, I shouldn't need to explain every little thing she is doing that disproves the notion of her being a leech or anything beyond her job history. "Get some therapy" and other such comments aren't helpful at all, it only suggests that you actually don't have any solid advice.

 

Good thing you don't, as reading comprehension clearly isn't your thing.

 

You probably hate the responses because your own posts are so contradictory. You go from saying:

 

Because you want to believe what you want to believe, rather than actually read and pay attention to facts. The sole thing I get out of it is frustration; if I got something good out of it, I wouldn't be asking for advice on how I should go about ending it if it continued.

 

to

 

I do not need to, nor should I have to, explain every good thing she has done that proves she is worth me staying with her to anyone when my question has been nothing more than me asking what I should do if she cannot find or keep a job in the future.

 

If you want advice on how to go about ending it if it continues then:

 

1. Give yourself a deadline for how long you can take her being dependent on you (6 months, 1 year whatever)

2. If it continues after your deadline, sit her down and tell her you can no longer continue in this relationship because you don't feel she is able to contribute sufficiently financially

3. If you want to help her move out then do that too

[Sam _]

There is a difference between diffusing blame and having valid reasons, everything I listed was a valid reason except for the "I was fired, not my fault it was cold; I'm entitled to free rides". That proves you are intentionally misreading and misinterpreting what I wrote. I have stated repeatedly that NEITHER of us have denied that they were in the right for firing her, not once had she stated or insinuated she was entitled to a ride (it was merely stated that there was none available), and BOTH of us had openly stated it was HER FAULT for being fired from that job. Please do not respond again until you improve your reading comprehension skills or actually begin paying attention to what I am saying rather than deliberately misinterpreting what I wrote.

 

None of the posts you cited are contradictory in any way.

 

Now, on to your advice; I do understand there must be a deadline. My problem is I'm not entirely sure what a fair deadline would be considering it is fairly common for the unemployed/actively searching to still be stuck without a job for years. Especially in this area, due to the fact that most of my state in terms of a very large radius of counties (in both my state and neighboring ones) surrounding my own seem to be very scarce in terms of how many jobs are available. This is the polar opposite of the town I lived in back in South Carolina, which was fairly easy to get a job despite it being nearly impossible to land a real career or even build into one.

[Sam _]

While I agree with most of what you're saying, I don't feel comfortable essentially kicking her out just to tell her to live on her own for a while. She needed to be taken in first because she had lost her job due to layoffs in Florida and needed someone to let her move in so she can get on her feet since she was also in the process of paying off debt. Everyone said they had no room or couldn't afford it besides her father. She's on an IUD as well as I use condoms (I should state "correctly" lol) every time. I don't think the likelihood of pregnancy is very high at all. I also check every condom after sex by putting a little water into it to ensure there are no rips; I've already discussed this with her and she has stated that if one ever rips that she wants to take the Plan B pill as soon as possible. She has already stated she will be walking to work; she knows how to drive, it is just the parallel parking she seems to have trouble with. We had another lesson today and that's the only thing she struggled with, and I don't know how to teach parallel parking since I've never had to do it but once in my test years ago.

[Moonphase]

And to those saying "layer", there are only so many layers a person can wear for one and, take it from someone who has to work in those temperatures, layering often does NOTHING... especially in single-digit or negative temperatures. Especially when cars are blasting past you at 60 mph, creating a significantly colder wind-chill. And the way the layout is, it would have been more than just half an hour. I should also mention that shoveling you driveway is more physically active than merely walking, meaning your body temperature will be higher and thus make you more resistant to the cold.

 

While I feel any competent manager should be a decent enough person to be understanding if they don't want to walk in a heavy snow or in negative temperatures, considering tardiness or call off for that day to be excusable is hardly too much to ask for.

 

Wow man, you are trying SO HARD to defend her...like incredibly hard.

It isn't acceptable to ask for a week off work because it's too cold to walk to work. Sorry. It's just not. Any person with real world experience wouldn't do that and expect a positive response from their employer.

[mhowe]

I just read this entire thread and OP...you have gotten great suggestions.

However, you are so focused on defending her and your enabling behavior that you look for a singular remark and discount the entire post.

 

Your gf isn't acting like an adult and does not have the skill.set to be a responsible employee.

I have a liberal arts degree and have never been unemployed since I graduated from college...in 1982...which at the time was a major recession.

 

Your choices are clear. She isn't magically going to grow up and become fiscally responsible, less anxious and dependable. If those are your criteria for a partner/spouse/mother of your children...she is not a likely candidate.

[itsallgrand]

Ok, here is my suggestion then. You give a reasonable time frame (two months,say) to find a job and place of her own.

 

She lives on her own, proves she can pay her own bills and hold down a job, put food in her own mouth, get her license, etc. Continue to see each other but do not allow her move back in nor 'get help' from you. Both of you take turns with treating each other too, when going out. Or you see what she chooses to do (whether turning to welfare or going back to her father, or finding another person to take care of her, it'll be helpful to see what she does when responsible for herself).

 

You say you want an equal partner who can contribute, so this would be consistent with that plan.

 

After she gets herself on track, and if you are still together, you talk about moving in together. If she doesn't get on track, you will have given her sufficient chance to have already build a foundation for herself and not be dependent on you (it's ultimately up to her what she does with that chance).

 

I suppose I don't agree taht it would be unkind to ask her to move out. I think it is unkind, actually, to continue to enable her to live basically in a sheltered situation where she is not having to face the full concequences of her own choices.

 

Her debt? Her choice.

Her choosing to move there? her choice.

Her depending on her father well into her twenties? her choice.

Her choosing to do crafts rather than knuckle down and clean toilets if she has to? Her choice.

 

You get the idea.

 

I think if you really, truly, want to help her...the best gift you could give her is respecting her as a fully capable woman who is responsible for herself and her own welfare. That means being willing to accept and watch, and not jump in there to rescue her, when she makes some poor choices sometimes.

[lavenderdove]

>>it is fairly common for the unemployed/actively searching to still be stuck without a job for years.

 

Actually, that is not true. Just looked up the statistics, and the average time is 37.1 weeks, but the median (most frequently occurring) is only 16 weeks. So the reality is that most people can and will find a job in 4-6 months, and the average being around 9 months accross all populations (old people who have harder times etc.). Almost half of the unemployed find a job in under 15 weeks. Here are the stats:

 

link removed

 

I think you ultimately have a problem if you live in an area where there are no jobs and if you genuinely think that is the reason she can't find one. Then perhaps if you don't want to support her, then you both need to move somewhere where both of you can get jobs. And she's a grown up so she'd better learn to drive because that really restricts her employment possibilities. And finally, she needs to take any job she can once she gets over the median of 4 months... i.e., time to work at McDonald's or washing dishes at a restaurant. Her willingness to get out there and do what it takes to support herself while looking for something better will be your litmus test as to whether she intends to work or not. All of us as adults must find a way to support ourselves, or else we have to find someone else to do it for us, which apparently she has done at this point, finding you to do that.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with itsallgrand. And if she can't find a job where she is, she should move to a place where she can. I have done that three times in my own life.

[pl3asehelp]

If he does ask her to move out and pay her own way, what are the odds that she meets a new dude?