Girlfriend can't seem to hold down a job

[savignon]

your relationship has taken a father/daughter dynamic

 

I agree and said the same thing. This will kill sexual and emotional attraction after some time on both sides.

[blueidealist24]

I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I just don't know anyone who has failed. If you ever drive in the US, you'll see plain as day that any fool is issued a license ;-)

But again...that's not even remotely my main point....its just a small part of a number of excuses that I see throughout the thread.

 

I know that wasn't your point, but I found it shocking that you said that. Perhaps it is different in the States. I know one American who failed his test, but he had barely practiced.

[Sam _]

I agree. The more investigation Savignon does (well done Sav), the more it seems to me that both you and your gf make a lot of excuses for not being a responsible adult and you enable her perpetual screw ups.

 

I am also wondering if her father is really abusive or if that is yet another exaggeration (such as the "she was fired for one mistake" or "she failed her driving exam for one mistake").

Sorry, but I am very obviously not encouraging her behavior. Just because I haven't been stating that I have told her to find her own way out at times or that I haven't been doing everything for her does not prove your assertion that I'm just as guilty or irresponsible as her. If I were contributing, I wouldn't be having her look up and apply for every job she can find; teaching a person how to do anything isn't a contribution to irresponsibility. How is me teaching them how to drive or how to manage finances contributing to irresponsibility? That is extremely flawed logic there since I would think teaching her her to be responsible is a good thing.

 

Also, it is not a exaggeration. If you read what I stated before, I stated I have read the correspondence e-mails from back when she first started. I am very familiar with how she worked and the quality of her work, and she was fired for being a couple minutes late ONCE. If this was false or merely an excuse, I would not have said it. Also, I have seen how her father speaks and acts towards her; when "fat, worthless piece of sh*t" is the NICEST thing I've heard him say to her then I would say that is not an exaggeration. He tends to call her just so he can attack her. Abuse is when you are being constantly insulted and attacked constantly for every little flaw, or even when the abuser is just in a generally bad mood; this is exactly what she dealt with. Once again, I would not be claiming it was abuse if it were not true. When every one of his children and members of his family, parents included, have all either disowned him or simply refuse to associate with him for the same claims of abuse then maybe there is a reason why he is being labelled an abuser. Maybe you should read and, if you think there isn't enough information or want to make an assumption, inquire for MORE information on a specific subject. I didn't go over his abuse and merely stated he was abusive because HOW he was abusive doesn't matter, it only matters that he IS abusive.

 

I agree. And if at some point you get fed up please don't come back here and blame her for being irresponsible. Both of you contributed to this situation.

If your only response in this entire thread is going to essentially just be "it is your fault, so don't complain" then perhaps you should actually hold off on commenting since I'm asking for advice on what to do if this persists and my support and encouragement doesn't work, not for someone to wag their finger based on false or inaccurate assumptions.

[Heather Dawn]

Just FYI - I'm an American and I failed my driving test twice! Once because the street I turned down was a one-way but had no sign and the tester was a douche, and the second time because I was made to go to a crazy intersection with lights in all different directions, and I went through a red (oops). So it can happen - especially to inexperienced teens!

 

On another note - a couple of years ago, my guy's car broke down and he had a job that started at 4am. He left the house at 3am - it was still dark - on his bicycle and rode ten miles to work. I was panicked at the thought (10 miles, in the dark, in the middle of the night?!), but he was determined. (I couldn't let him use my car, btw, because I needed it for work.)

[Sam _]

I stated "I" because, when she said it I did not believe her. I always lived in towns that had at least one of those services, but her town has none anywhere near her. I must ask why you highlighted me teaching her how to manage finances, because I would think anyone would think that is a good thing rather than considering it a form of enabling irresponsibility when it clearly is not. If you're never taught how to do something, wouldn't you rather have a boyfriend or husband who is willing and able to teach something like that? Also, why make the assumption that me saying I personally did something automatically means that she just sat on her butt going "hubby will do it for me"? Because me omitting that she looked as well does not mean she didn't look.

 

Like I said, I don't prefer someone I can take care of versus an equal partner; I don't want or need to take care of someone, as evidenced by my clear annoyance over the situation of having to take care of her. I want her to be independent, which will make her more attractive in my eyes; since I have been financially supporting her, my sex drive has substantially diminished and I've known for years that dependency is a major turn-off for me when it comes to a partner overall. I like teaching and any good person would like helping, but "saving" her is a bit of a leap. Me not wanting to put her back into an abusive environment is not me desiring to be the white knight, it is me worrying that I would be putting her back in that situation. I've dated girls who turned out to be extremely dependent and/or are excessively needy, I didn't date them for longer than a couple months. Girls who have stated they want their man should be the one with the job or paying the bills, insisting on the princess treatment, often wind up with me dropping off the face of the earth. I want and need an equal, I hate princesses and those who NEED me for everything to work out for them. I'm with my current girlfriend because she is not needy and is only dependent due to valid reasons and actually does work to get out of that. My question was what I should do if her bad luck, regardless of the reason, continues because, at a certain point, it becomes apparent that support and encouragement is ultimately ineffective in the long run. How should I handle the situation when I get to the point where I'm completely fed up with it? I know I will be certainly by the end of the year, which is why I am asking.

[lavenderdove]

OK, you need to step back for a moment because you are confusing a lot of things together and need to deal with each issue separately.

 

First, you taking a bit of a paternal role here because you say things like you're letting her live with you because you 'wanted to get her away from her abusive father'. Well, at 25, there are lots of way for her to get HERSELF away from her abusive father if that is what she really wants to do. So you're allowing your sympathy/empathy for her and seeing her as if she were a child needing protection rather than an adult well over the age of majority of 21. I'm not justifying any abusiveness, but if she was over 21 and still hanging around at her father's house expecting him to support her, he may have gotten more and more frustrated because she was acting like a lump on the couch rather than really trying to get out and support herself. He was wrong to name call, but at the same time, if she is well over 21 and still expecting to live at home, she wasn't growing up basically.

 

the reality is that there are some adults who would genuinely rather not work. And they look for ways to find other people to do it for them. And they find ways to get other people to feel sorry for them so that they will assume responsibility for them. They may talk a good game about how they want to work or they just need 'a little help for a while', but then they become dead weight with excuse after excuse for not staying gainfully employed.

 

So the question becomes, how hard is she really working to get herself out of this, and to do things that ensure she holds down a job? If she has no skills, is she going to school either online or otherwise to get them? Or sitting home watching the telly all day? All of us have lost jobs at some point in our lives, and most of those who go thru a really extended period of time without work are refusing to accept reality and take any job they can get until they can find something better. Or they are in a situation where they have a roof over their head and food to eat (as your GF does), so they feel no real need to support themselves, especially if they are unambitious and happy to watch soaps on TV all day or surf the web or whatever.

 

So what you need to do now is develop a plan, based on the particular circumstances. For example, WHY is she having trouble finding a job? Look at the specific reasons.

 

For example, if she is 100 lbs overweight, sadly that does impact the world's impression of her, so she needs to go on a strict diet and lose the weight so she can interview better.

 

Does she have no skills at all? Then she needs to take whatever job she can get (fast food or maid or otherwise), and meanwhile work on her off hours to get training or a degree to get her into a better career when she finishes her school. Do research on careers that have jobs in your area, and she needs to sign up for that NOW.

 

Cut back on the luxuries that make her comfortable. She may be enjoying sitting home more than you think she is, and if you make her comfortable at it, there is no incentive to get a job. So if you have cable TV, cut it off. And if she is gaming all day, get rid of the gaming console and game disks. Cut off the internet if she is spending all day surfing or gaming online.

 

You have defined that she is 'not needy', but if she is not demanding but DOES sit home all day then that is still being needy because she is forcing you to assume financial responsibility for her (albeit quietly because she is content to do very little and have very little).

 

I think an umemployment period up to 6 months might be reasonable, but if it has gone that long, then she needs to take a minimum wage job, no questions asked, and she better hang onto it by showing up on time, behaving well, etc. The people who lose minimum wage jobs like that are slackers or disrespectful to their managers or irresponsible or don't want the job to begin with. There's a REASON they lose the job, and if she's lost 3 in 18 months, something is going on there where she is either behaving badly or trying to lose the job because she prefers to not work and have someone else support her.

 

And you need to sit down with her and come up with a plan to improve her chances (going on a diet, sprucing up her resume, getting more education). If she is actively following the plan the two of your work out together and putting effort into improving herself and increasing her chances of getting a job, then you should stick with it. If she just lounging around and giving excuses why she can't find a job after 6 months, and not really actively pursuing even minimum wage jobs at that point, then I think she basically doesn't want a job and you've turned into her parent, though a nicer parent than her own father.

[itsallgrand]

I'll keep this short. She's a leech, dude. You already know this. You are just waiting for it to become unbearable, I guess bc you like how it makes you feel to be her daddy/hero.

 

Time to sort out your own end. Are you intimidated by women who actually have their stuff together?

[lavenderdove]

btw, I DEFINITELY would not marry someone in this circumstance until she's shown she can work and hold down a job for a few years straight.

 

And i'd use bullet proof birth control because it is extremely common for women who don't want to work to use the 'accidental' pregnancy to lock down a man and his money. She'll claim the pregnancyh is an accident, then she 'can't work' because of the pregnancy, then 'shouldn't work' while the child is small, or 'can't make enough to pay the child care so better to stay home' etc.

 

And if you give her the heave ho, it's a little security plan for her because you'll have to pay her child support. Some women go the path of getting several different baby daddies if necessary to pull down enough child support from the lot of them to not have to work while raising their children.

 

So be very very careful if she is already showing a tendency to not hold down jobs. She may shortly decide the best way out of this pickle is to get pregnant and lock you and your money down for the next 18 years. You must wear condoms, and you must provide them yourself to make sure she hasn't lanced them with a pin to hurry a pregnancy along.

 

She's showing some very disturbing signs because most women her age who are single DO work and DO hold down jobs long term, and she's not doing that. Caveat emptor.

[lavenderdove]

>>The job before that fired her because she didn't want to walk to work or walk back home (she couldn't afford a cab, lived a couple miles from work, and doesn't have a driver's license or car) during a major cold-snap that kicked our temperature to the single-digits for a week. Because nobody could give her a ride, she called off the entire week and got fired for it.

 

btw, this is MAJOR princess behavior if you don't recognize it. If everybody stopped going out in the cold, nobody in Canada or Alaska would have a job. I see people out walking dogs in single digits all the time, and even people outside working in single digits all day long. She just needed to suck it up and bundle up and get to work. Walking a half hour in the single digits properly bundled up never killed anybody.

 

I'm an older female and have spent at least twice a week all winter long in these crazy snowstorms shoveling my driveway for from an hour to two hours per time in order to get out and go to work. And shoveling 6-18 inches of snow is a hell of a lot harder than for a young girl to walk a half hour in the cold. That's just part of life and being an adult. I see all my neighbors out shoveling to get to work, from the very young to the very old, and they just do it because it is necessary to do to get to work and to school and don't see it as an option to sit on their butts for a week until the snow melts or it warms up.

 

I think you are cutting her way too much slack, and I think she is playing on your sympathies in order to take advantage of you. From the vague reasons given for losing the other jobs, as an experienced manager I can read between those lines and tell you they probably fired her for being lazier than the other workers and not taking her job as seriously as she should, and perhaps making it obvious that she didn't really like to work all that much nor was willing to really put a lot of effort into ensuring she did a good job, so they gave her the heave ho when it came down to it. The need for workers who will work doesn't stop just because baby doesn't like getting her nose and toes cold or doesn't want to turn her work in on time when the boss considers that an important part of the job!

[Sam _]

I'll keep this short. She's a leech, dude. You already know this. You are just waiting for it to become unbearable, I guess bc you like how it makes you feel to be her daddy/hero.

 

Time to sort out your own end. Are you intimidated by women who actually have their stuff together?

Maybe actually read more than my first post, I've explicitly stated repeatedly in and after my first post that what I look for is someone who has their stuff together. I also stated in my last post that it isn't a matter of me wanting to be the hero that makes me stay with her, but rather because I do see her making real efforts to ensure she does not have to be dependent on me and can tell dependency is not a personality trait. Read my last post in response savignon, as I won't repeat myself. Like I said to Darcy, do not bother to comment if you're going to barely read what I post and then make false assumptions.

[pl3asehelp]

I'll keep this short. She's a leech, dude. You already know this. You are just waiting for it to become unbearable, I guess bc you like how it makes you feel to be her daddy/hero.

 

Time to sort out your own end. Are you intimidated by women who actually have their stuff together?

 

Totally agree. Why you would consider dating this sad excuse of a person is on YOU. Calling in to work for a

Week

When it snows tells you all you need to know - she's lazy to hr core and

That won't change. She will require a broken guy willing to do all the hard parts of her life she doesn't like - if that's you OP, get some therapy because that is a fools game.

 

I read every post. Trust me dude, this chick is taking advantage of you and you should have stopped it even sooner.

[Sam _]

Neither would I, and I've stated on here and to her that I refuse to marry if the person is financially unstable. As for the rest, I already do that but not because of the reason you think I should; I do it because I don't want kids at all at this point and time and because I don't have a good enough paying job to warrant even considering a kid.

 

 

 

Sorry, but that is not princess behavior. Princess behavior is expecting everyone to do everything for you and feeling entitled to it. Not wanting to risk hypothermia due to a lack of sufficiently warm clothing is not the same as being a princess. And to those saying "layer", there are only so many layers a person can wear for one and, take it from someone who has to work in those temperatures, layering often does NOTHING... especially in single-digit or negative temperatures. Especially when cars are blasting past you at 60 mph, creating a significantly colder wind-chill. And the way the layout is, it would have been more than just half an hour. I should also mention that shoveling you driveway is more physically active than merely walking, meaning your body temperature will be higher and thus make you more resistant to the cold. I can't bare to walk in the cold at times in my warmest clothes but I could shovel for hours in a tanktop and jeans after fifteen to thirty minutes of shoveling. You can't really compare the two due to one being a high-exertion activity with the other being a brisk powerwalk at most. I agree with what you're saying, just not the comparison (especially the assertion that you being a little older means anything) and she knows I feel her calling off for that entire week was extremely idiotic and irresponsible. I also stated earlier, however, that she has gone walking in my town in the cold and come back with a stack of applications to fill out (lots of local businesses in my town) and has walked to the other side of town for interviews. Her doing this is why I've cut her slack.

 

As an experienced manager, wouldn't you think it to be odd for a company to fire a worker who constantly asks their superiors for things that they could do to improve? Especially when every response back is nothing more than praise, assurances that they're the best worker on the roster, and that they've already fixed any and all problems they had with the employee upon their very first mention of them early on into the training period? Then to turn around and fire, simply saying "unsatisfactory performance"; a claim that is the exact opposite of what they've been saying in every e-mail? Every individual e-mail and each one of the files she submitted proves that she was very willing to work; it was an-home job. More often than not, she had completed their assignments in half the time they gave and requested more work from them so she can work the full eight hours; this pretty much disproves the assertion that she doesn't want to and is unwilling to work. Also, the US is an at-will employment nation; you do realize that management can fire for literally any reason here, right? Kind of hard to not have a vague explanation to your termination when all evidence points to the former employer outright lying. I've been in management for a while now and know those who have been in for a decade or two, all have claimed that it was the COMPANY that was in the wrong there, not her. Which is another reason why I'm not hard on her about this job, but am still concerned about future jobs. She is very big on crafts and has been selling online and making decent money after I encouraged her to indulge on her passion, which is yet another reason why I've been lighter on her than people think I should be.

 

Right, the need for dependable workers never wanes and she knows that I agree with management's decision in terminating her for calling terminating her. While I feel any competent manager should be a decent enough person to be understanding if they don't want to walk in a heavy snow or in negative temperatures, considering tardiness or call off for that day to be excusable is hardly too much to ask for. Especially when business for that day will be slowed to a near halt due to the weather. Two or multiple days in a row, I feel is not excusable but one day is acceptable.

[Sam _]

Totally agree. Why you would consider dating this sad excuse of a person is on YOU. Calling in to work for a

Week

When it snows tells you all you need to know - she's lazy to hr core and

That won't change. She will require a broken guy willing to do all the hard parts of her life she doesn't like - if that's you OP, get some therapy because that is a fools game.

 

I read every post. Trust me dude, this chick is taking advantage of you and you should have stopped it even sooner.

You apparently didn't, considering I've stated several times that she actively tries to better the situation. A leech does not do that; I've dealt with a fair number of leeches in my life and they didn't last more than a couple months. I don't date someone without being friends first for a couple months and really getting to know the person. I can certainly recognize a leech, and her overall attitude and behavior lately proves calling her a leach is a false assertion. My question is how I should handle it if her luck with jobs continue, I shouldn't need to explain every little thing she is doing that disproves the notion of her being a leech or anything beyond her job history. "Get some therapy" and other such comments aren't helpful at all, it only suggests that you actually don't have any solid advice.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe actually read more than my first post, I've explicitly stated repeatedly in and after my first post that what I look for is someone who has their stuff together. I also stated in my last post that it isn't a matter of me wanting to be the hero that makes me stay with her, but rather because I do see her making real efforts to ensure she does not have to be dependent on me and can tell dependency is not a personality trait. Read my last post in response savignon, as I won't repeat myself. Like I said to Darcy, do not bother to comment if you're going to barely read what I post and then make false assumptions.

 

Ok, well, I did read the entire thread.

 

It seems to me you are rather defensive about this.

 

That's your choice. If you are happy with the way things are, then stay with her.

 

It seems plain as day to me though, at her age, that she is in the position she is in because she wants to be. I don't believe the 'victim' act for a second.

 

Neither do I believe that there isn't something invested for you to stay with someone like her. You get something out of it.

[pl3asehelp]

You apparently didn't, considering I've stated several times that she actively tries to better the situation. A leech does not do that; I've dealt with a fair number of leeches in my life and they didn't last more than a couple months. I don't date someone without being friends first for a couple months and really getting to know the person. I can certainly recognize a leech, and her overall attitude and behavior lately proves calling her a leach is a false assertion. My question is how I should handle it if her luck with jobs continue, I shouldn't need to explain every little thing she is doing that disproves the notion of her being a leech or anything beyond her job history. "Get some therapy" and other such comments aren't helpful at all, it only suggests that you actually don't have any solid advice.

 

You're wrong in like 10 ways here, but I don't get paid for this so I'll let you re-read in the future.

 

What you need to do is dump her next time she has 'bad luck' of any kind that results in her losing a job. If you don't and instead try to dive into the situation and figure out who you think is right, etc this will continue and if you choose that, I think you need therapy because that is not a healthy choice.

 

The best leaches choose sympathetic hosts and try to make it appear as though they are trying, it's all part of the con.

[Sam _]

Ok, well, I did read the entire thread.

 

It seems to me you are rather defensive about this.

 

That's your choice. If you are happy with the way things are, then stay with her.

 

It seems plain as day to me though, at her age, that she is in the position she is in because she wants to be. I don't believe the 'victim' act for a second.

 

Neither do I believe that there isn't something invested for you to stay with someone like her. You get something out of it.

Not well enough, it seems.

 

I get defensive when people are more concerned with making false assumptions rather than simply answering my question. You'd be annoyed too if you had a person repeatedly telling you what your reasons when you repeatedly state that they are not and say things that clearly disprove the notions presented by that person.

 

You say that like I asked permission or need affirmation. I do not need to, nor should I have to, explain every good thing she has done that proves she is worth me staying with her to anyone when my question has been nothing more than me asking what I should do if she cannot find or keep a job in the future. Her first job lasted seven years and she started at 15; the business eventually closed down. Why didn't I mention that? Because it is irrelevant to my question, which involves her holding her next job or finding a new one and recent trends.

 

It seems plain as day to you because I haven't been going on and on about every little thing that disproves your assertion that she is playing the victim act outside of the emails from her last employer, which clearly shows them lying to find a reason to fire.

 

Because you want to believe what you want to believe, rather than actually read and pay attention to facts. The sole thing I get out of it is frustration; if I got something good out of it, I wouldn't be asking for advice on how I should go about ending it if it continued.

[lavenderdove]

>>Especially when every response back is nothing more than praise, assurances that they're the best worker on the roster,

 

Look, you are asking for people's advice and they are giving it to you. and all you are doing is turning around and saying how she's the bestest little worker in the world and a person of sterling character, YET she still isn't working and can't hold a job and that is starting to make you very unhappy. Something is very wrong there and not lining up.

 

Nobody fires their best worker if there are any other alternatives to firing them. You start firing at the bottom of the list in terms of performance and work up, and not vice versa, unless something egregious happens. There is more to the story, and you probably don't know it since you are not her boss or at the multiple companies who fired her. Perhaps they sacked her for lipping off to the boss, or banging some guy in the stockroom, or smoking dope in the back lot and getting caught at it. You honestly don't know exactly why they fired her, and it is frankly MORE puzzling that she got fired after much praise in the past, unless she did something truly heinous/unprofessional that results in instant sacking regardless of prior good reviews of her performance. So the fact that she suddenly got fired over other people when she supposedly had great reviews should give you pause and wonder what she was up to that tipped them over the edge to let her go.

 

So, if you think the she is truly fabulous and she was unfairly fired (multiple times), then why are you even posting about this? I suspect you will end up supporting her and enabling her, and she will continue not working and/or getting fired again. Statistically speaking, getting sacked 3 times in 18 months says something is off kilter with her. There is a pattern here that you're not seeing because you are so resistant to the idea that maybe your 'perfect' girl might enjoy not working and is not such a good worker after all. And if you think she's just fabulous and everyone's advice is wrong, then just carry on, keep supporting her, and enjoy!

[Sam _]

You're wrong in like 10 ways here, but I don't get paid for this so I'll let you re-read in the future.

 

What you need to do is dump her next time she has 'bad luck' of any kind that results in her losing a job. If you don't and instead try to dive into the situation and figure out who you think is right, etc this will continue and if you choose that, I think you need therapy because that is not a healthy choice.

 

The best leaches choose sympathetic hosts and try to make it appear as though they are trying, it's all part of the con.

Good thing you don't, as reading comprehension clearly isn't your thing. The question is how I should end a good relationship if the only thing wrong with it is that she cannot hold a job anymore. I can understand you opinion if I were to have stated anything that can cause you to have that opinion, but not if you're insisting on not being constructive in any way or are simply coming up with an opinion based on ignorance.

 

Sorry, but dumping someone the instance they're fired is not solid advice. Say it's a good job and they have lay-offs, should I then just assume she is being a victim or leech? If you think not dumping someone for being fired for an illegitimate reason in a nation that actually embraces the concept of the employer being able to fire an employee for literally any or no reason at all, then it is yourself that needs therapy, not me. I also repeatedly stated that she has gotten a lot more responsible since then, me not providing evidence to prove that to people when I don't need to does not disprove that she is not what you think you know she is.

[journeynow]

What kind of work does she do? What is the area like where you live? Can she live with or catch ride with friends? Does she have any friends? Does she have a degree or certification? (Trying to get the bigger picture here.)

[pl3asehelp]

Ok, I didn't grasp how immature and inexperienced you are. I hope you're no older than 25 and still learning about people and life. You're determined to learn your lesson trough first hand experience. It will be time consuming and expensive but I hope in the end you gain more out of the experience than you're going to lose. Good luck. There are women out there who don't have these problems and I hope you have the pleasure of a relationship with one of them someday.

[Moontiger]

"Only so many layers a person can put on."

 

Really? Just more excuses. You know, I could buy a work firing someone for no reason, so let's assume that your GF was fired after one mistake from one job. There is still NO excuses for not showing up at work for a week. Any reasonable employer would fire someone with such an entitled attitude.

 

Why does she get a special pass? People have dealt with much worse barriers to getting to work than a cold snap and shown up on time ready to work.

 

Hypothermia, really? Way over dramatic. She could have put on her warmest clothing, thrown on one of your sweaters/hoodie and her coat, packed work clothing in a bag, walked there, changed and gone about her day. How about this, after day one of bad weather (since you want to help her so much) why didn't you go buy her some warm clothing so she could walk to work?

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sam _]

Then why did the company fire a large number of their most experienced workers recently after reporting a lack of clients? If my business weren't getting any work and, in order to cut costs, I had to choose between the highest paid workers or the lowest paid, I'd go with the highest paid as well as the most recently hired. Most of the newhires were fired first, followed by the more experienced shortly after. They then had a large number of people outright quit, all within a short amount of time. The overall circumstance and chain of events is what causes me to question the validity of their reason for firing her. The job before that were firing the hostesses left and right at the order of the owner; the restaurant hasn't had a host or hostess in almost a year and it seems like that was what they wanted. She was a hostess and, while she did give them a valid reason for firing her and I don't blame them for doing so, it isn't so easy for me to say they probably weren't looking for a reason to fire any of the hostesses, not just her.

 

I feel she got unfairly fired once, as I stated. The one before that was reasonable and understandable, as was the one before that (over-hiring for the season when there were already barely enough hours for full employees; hardly her fault). One is not her fault, the second is, and the third was not; admittedly, I was not 100% sure from the beginning but I certainly feel them praising her, then firing her for the opposite reasoning, then refusing to give any sort of response to her inquiry on what she needs to do better to ensure she doesn't risk another job (my words, not her's). I doubt she never did anything that gave them reason to consider firing her, but I doubt even more that the company wasn't firing the newhire just to fire (so to speak). Especially considering the chain of events around that time. I know she isn't perfect, and the evidence proves she is willing to work and is a good worker. The fact I am asking for how to handle ending a good relationship over her being unable to hold a job should prove that I hardly think she is the most 'fabuloustest person ever'. I wouldn't allow her to use me as a work reference if she wasn't. I'm not saying everyone's advice is wrong, I've only said that a couple of the people that have posted here were. My tone towards you, at least I hope so, is clearly different from my tone towards those few because you actually are providing valid points and I are actually discussing this constructively.

[Sam _]

What kind of work does she do? What is the area like where you live? Can she live with or catch ride with friends? Does she have any friends? Does she have a degree or certification? (Trying to get the bigger picture here.)

She does whatever she can get, lately she has been knitting custom clothing and other crafts and selling them. The area is very mountainous with everything either very close together in a small town, or very spread out and sparsely populated. You actually have to drive 30 miles out just to get to the nearest grocery store if you live in the town she lived in last year. She moved in with me in December, and the town I live in has everything very close together. She has been walking everywhere since she moved here. She has a degree in liberal arts with no other certifications; I've been encouraging her to go back to school for a finances degree since that can be applied literally anywhere, which she has been considering more and more recently.

 

Ok, I didn't grasp how immature and inexperienced you are. I hope you're no older than 25 and still learning about people and life. You're determined to learn your lesson trough first hand experience. It will be time consuming and expensive but I hope in the end you gain more out of the experience than you're going to lose. Good luck. There are women out there who don't have these problems and I hope you have the pleasure of a relationship with one of them someday.

 

Me asking you to actually respond to my question rather than talking down to me from the very beginning doesn't mean I am immature or inexperienced, nor does my response to your condescension. It astounds me that a 24 year-old is having to tell a 38 year-old this. I learned the lesson you're trying to teach me when I was 15, and this isn't costing me much money as I only support her financially when I can afford to (me and my mother come first in, due to my mother's debt). I know there are women out there who don't have the problems that you're telling me my girlfriend has, just like I know exactly how to weed them out and the fact that this girl is not one of them. My only problem in this relationship was that she has no job; when she had a job, I did not have to support her financially because she was actually learning how to manage her finances successfully. I was the first and only to actually teach her finances in terms of dealing with 'digital money' (she used to be the type to hoard paper money rather than just putting it in a savings/checking account).

 

"Only so many layers a person can put on."

 

Really? Just more excuses. You know, I could buy a work firing someone for no reason, so let's assume that your GF was fired after one mistake from one job. There is still NO excuses for not showing up at work for a week. Any reasonable employer would fire someone with such an entitled attitude.

 

Why does she get a special pass? People have dealt with much worse barriers to getting to work than a cold snap and shown up on time ready to work.

 

Hypothermia, really? Way over dramatic. She could have put on her warmest clothing, thrown on one of your sweaters/hoodie and her coat, packed work clothing in a bag, walked there, changed and gone about her day. How about this, after day one of bad weather (since you want to help her so much) why didn't you go buy her some warm clothing so she could walk to work?

 

That's hardly an excuse. She used to live in Florida and moved up here, with her first job back being at the store I worked at. That store gave all seasonal help (thirty people), including her, an average of forty hours per month at most and fired them all at the end of the season (which defeats the purpose of hiring seasonal help as a whole, I think). She only had clothing for Florida weather, which is hardly suitable for snow and her father is the only family that could afford to take her in and took her in but refused to buy her clothes suitable for the temperature. Her priority was dumping money into paying off her debt, so she had no money to buy clothes when they dropped all seasonal help. And after having to work outside in single-degree weather wearing three layers of my warmest clothes under my warmest coat (excluding thermal underwear), the wind here cut right through all of it after ten minutes. This is more an explanation than an excuse. Also, I said repeatedly that employer was not in the wrong in any way; while I feel the manager should be sympathetic to why she called off, nobody has any right to call off more than one day for the reason she gave and expect to not at least get a write-up. I've not defended her at all on that one.

 

Because she was unwilling to walk anyway, which is precisely why I don't have sympathy for her being fired from that one job. The other two, I do have sympathy for. Hypothermia and frostbite is also hardly over-dramatic; in single-degree temperature with no shelter, it is very easy to catch hypothermia and get frostbite. Especially when you have a 90-minute walk ahead of you. I wouldn't have stated it if it weren't a real or valid concern.

[journeynow]

She does whatever she can get, lately she has been knitting custom clothing and other crafts and selling them. The area is very mountainous with everything either very close together in a small town, or very spread out and sparsely populated. You actually have to drive 30 miles out just to get to the nearest grocery store if you live in the town she lived in last year. She moved in with me in December, and the town I live in has everything very close together. She has been walking everywhere since she moved here. She has a degree in liberal arts with no other certifications; I've been encouraging her to go back to school for a finances degree since that can be applied literally anywhere, which she has been considering more and more recently.

 

OK, I've lived in an area rather similar, and know how hard it can be without good transportation and with limited or non-specialized training. I also know it's tricky trying to figure how to balance it all when you're young, starting out, haven't accumulated the tools or gear you need to get by, and your path is not clear. Could be her joblessness is part economy, part not going the extra mile to stand out, part the area you are in. Encourage her to get training for a marketable skill, or perhaps certification to teach.

 

It's also important for her to increase her options for rides by talking to neighbors and friends (and co-workers once she has a job) and arrange carpooling or back up rides. That's how some folks do it where I've lived. At different times my ex had to detour on his way to work in order to pick up a co-worker. In these parts that can add a few miles to the commute, but some folks are willing.

 

Not everyone grows up with common sense in all areas, partly because people are raised in different situations. Warm clothing should be a number one priority in an area that gets single digit temps and wind, because there is always a chance you'll have to walk some distance in poor conditions. Get to a second hand store and get some ski paints, wool pants, wind pants, or snowmobile pants, and a warm parka. Or check link removed for your area. Practicality is more important than looks, if money is tight. Reducing debt is important, but not freezing to death is even more important. Have her invest in warm boots even before spending money to get a driver's license.

 

If your area is like mine economically, she may have to have several jobs at the same time. Even if she gets a full-time job, it might be wise to keep up with the knitting and crafts, and maybe add pet-sitting, house-sitting, overnight childcare, eldercare, etc, whenever she can. If she has different sources of income she won't be in such dire straits if she loses one.

[Sam _]

Unfortunately, my town has a very high unemployment rate; it is a dead factory and mining town that never truly recovered after the two industries crashed here. The closest town is at 30 miles away, and so are the handful of jobs with barely (if any) a couple full-time jobs available. I honestly got lucky when I got my job, even more so after being promoted into management six months later. The job economy around here is worse than literally any place I've ever lived in (I've lived a relatively nomadic type of life), and I've lived in places where lines were out the door and accross the street at the unemployment offices during the least busy time of day.

 

Money isn't exactly tight, mainly because I'm naturally very frugal and will go out of my way to get a good deal. Example, I want a particular video game but don't want to save money; I own both an XBox 360 and PS3. A store had a promotion with double trade-in value for games and consoles. I sold my console for $20 below retail, and all my XBox games for store credit. Rebought all those games for PS3 and the game I wanted, while also winding up with a couple hundred that I didn't have before. Paychecks, I round down to the previous hundred while rounding bills up to the next hundred and that's what I memorize as my income and bills. My entire mentality is to maximize my money by playing games like that, and that's what I've been teaching her and she has been picking it up. This is why I am so resistant to when people tell me she is a leech, she clearly is not; I know that she can and will hold a job if she puts her mind to it but I just worry about the possibility of her not finding and holding one. She does have sufficiently warm clothes now, but she didn't when she first moved here in late 2012.

 

She says that the only thing she is unwilling to do is a caretaking job because she says that she has tried them and has gotten way too attached every time and, if the person is ill or hurt in some way, her anxiety goes into overdrive. She already takes medication daily for her anxiety and things are getting better, but she does have a tendency to psych herself out when she gets worried and winds up with panic attacks. Since I've seen her attacks first-hand and see how she is around kids and pets, I certainly believe her. She has said that she does plan on continuing her crafts, especially after getting a job so she can finance her projects with better quality materials; it actually took a lot of work to get her to want to start doing crafts again since the environment she lived in, her father was very hateful towards anything artistic or creative to the point of looking for and destroying her projects and materials. I'm not sure about training in marketable skills since, when I hear that, I interpret that as taking trade classes and that costs money we don't have.