brother's preg gf has threatened to "dissappear", need advice

[TalkThatTalk9]

(I have no idea where to post this, I picked families and parenting... if someone thinks it belongs somewhere more fitting please feel free to move it)

 

I am looking for single dad/friend of a dad/family member of a dad/lawyer point of views here.......

 

my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. they have been dating 9 months.... so it most certainly was a surprise. she is 2 months along, and yesterday was their first ultra sound and find out due date.

 

a few days ago, my brother stupidly "liked" a girl in a bathing suit on facebook. it was one of those 1,000's of people liked that picture type pictures, a fake girl that doesn't even exist in their lives. his girlfriend got furious and went on a rant for hours about it. she didn't answer any of his calls after and he just let her cool off and figured they would talk on the way to the appointment. (for the record I know how insane this is, my brother knows how insane this is)

 

he plows snow all night when it snows and he was out 24 hours straight he went home to get a few hours sleep before the doctor. she called him AFTER the appointment telling him what she found out. she didn't bother to wake him up she went without him. he was super mad, she went to his house. refused to come out of the car, and locked the doors so he couldn't get in, and she then refused to give him the ultrasound pictures and went to eat with her mom. she got real nasty with my brother, my mom intervened because my brother was so upset... she tried talking rationally to my brother's girlfriend but in return she just wigged out on my mom and got nasty with her.

he begged her to let him see a picture so she took a picture of it with her phone and sent him a text of it and that is all we have to look at at the moment.

(ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HE LIKED THAT PICTURE ON FACEBOOK!!!!)

 

she has threatened to him already she can just disappear and he won't know where she is. her mom is heavily involved and she just makes it worse and gangs up on my brother. her mother's boyfriend lives in Florida, so I can just see her convincing her to move to Florida.

 

I have witnessed first hand, my brother has been treating her like a queen. he takes her food to work, paid for her college class she needs, drives her where she needs to go, makes sure she has whatever she needs. he is being a great guy. he is working 2 jobs to save money for the baby. he is so excited to be a dad and be a good dad because he did not have a good dad.

 

when she gets this way, I keep telling him it is hormones and to be patient. but now all this other stuff is happening. I feel I can not be excited for my niece or nephew because I have a sick and bad feeling about it. I have a feeling she is going to make this a nightmare and eventually keep the kid from my brother.

 

he just signed them up for parenting classes and a breast feeding class and is paying for it. he texted her to let her know and she wrote back "I don't want the same fights over and over. are you even sorry for what you put me through yesterday?" he had no idea what to say he just said sorry I want to be the best dad and boyfriend I can be... just to make her happy and smooth things over.

 

I told him he needs to start keeping documentation of every threat, text, voicemail etc..... he needs to start looking into what a lawyer will cost. his friend said he would lend him the money for the best lawyer he can get (his friend has $$) my mom said she would put a second mortgage on the house if she had to, but this girl is NOT keeping his child from him. it is way easier said than done.

 

I've seen first hand, how the system can screw a really good dad. I am so scared we will end up losing the kid out of our lives.

 

before the pregnancy, I would say this girl had issues. She was always picking fights with him. I want to write all of this off as she is going through a big adjustment. between the hormones, and she had to quit smoking cigerettes and pot (she only smoked NO other drugs whatsoever just wanted to add in there) when she got pregnant. that is a big adjustment for a person.

 

any advice what he should do? how he should handle it? any warnings?

 

this is a mess.

[mhowe]

Stay off FB would be a brilliant start.

 

And yes, hormones and unstable to begin with.

However, staying calm and letting her calm down will do wonders.

Your mom needs to stop getting involved ---

 

And there is nothing he can do if she "disappears", so it would make sense not to make her want to run.

IF she names him on the birth certificate, he will have parental rights.

IF she does not, he will have to get a DNA --- and that involves the courts.

[Batya33]

Wow -I wonder how long she was using marijuana during the pregnancy (before she found out). Is it possible he's not the father? My guess is it's far more than the FB issue (which is really not a big deal). I agree with Mhowe that he needs to tread carefully. I am not sure what the relevance is of threatening voicemails, etc - I am not sure what his rights are at this moment especially since he might not be 100% sure he is the father.

[Fudgie]

Remember, there are 2 sides to every story. Yes, the girlfriend sounds like a psychotic witch but I find it a little hard to believe that she is just flipping out over one like on a fake picture. Are you sure that there is not more to the story? Sounds like it's probably a really immature, backwards, messed up relationship.

 

And pregnant after less than a year together? Boy, that's a recipe for success and well adjusted offspring.

 

Anyway, if she decides she wants out and moves far away to Florida, it sounds like his only real recourse will be through the courts. He'll have to go to court and get a DNA test done. Once paternity is established (which could take a while if his name isn't on the certificate AND she is forced to get a DNA test), he can have visitation and he will have to pay child support. Of course, if she lives very far away, that could prove difficult.

 

Honestly though, I would suggest that your family stay out of it. It's really between him and this girl. Your mom wanting to re-mortgage the house to fund a lawyer? I'm sorry, that's insane. She shouldn't jeopardize her financial future for this. I personally don't think it's worth it. This sounds like it's exploding into drama. Let things happen and then deal with the situation.

[Cheetarah]

Your family needs to back off. Unless your mother is invited to give advice or 'play ref', she needs to not do it, simple. You(family) come at her with threats of remortgaging houses and getting all possessive, you WILL drive her away, end of.

 

He doesn't have any rights right now. None, until the baby is here. He can get his ducks in order legally if he wants to by having a consult to see what he needs to do, but there is nothing he can do until this child is born. She is only 2 months pregnant. I am not trying to be a negative nancy, but it's very early on in the pregnancy and it would not make sense to start dropping funds yet. If she moves while pregnant? Well, there's nothing anyone can do about it. She cannot be ordered to return anywhere while pregnant.

[Cheetarah]

Since you're in my state...

 

In order to establish paternity with an unwed couple - Both mom and dad have to sign an AOP(Acknowledgement of paternity form). You can't just list someone on the birth cert anymore, that doesn't happen unless 1). They're already married, or 2). Paternity has been established with both parents present and signing the AOP with a witness. That will bind him as legal father. Which gives him the rights to petition for custody/visitation(not necessarily get them). If paternity is not established in that way, then a court order of paternity is required. He'd basically have to petition to establish parentage THEN once it is established, he can then motion for custody/visitation issues. That can take a long time. Especially if someone drags it out.

 

So. He's got a long ways, still.

[lavenderdove]

Legally, she can't keep the child from him if he can prove paternity. He is entitled to visitation unless she can prove he is an unfit parent (i.e., drugs etc.).

 

But it will be harder for him to get that if she moves to another state, especially before the baby arrives and before he can prove paternity, because he would have to hire a lawyer and go to court in the new state.

 

My suggestion is that he try to walk the straight and narrow while she is pregnant, i.e., no FB flirting with other girls. 'Liking' girls in bikinis when his GF is pregnant is actually kind of thick of him, and he needs to stop the social networking until he is on more solid ground with his own GF. His best bet is to toe the line and do everything he can to keep her calm while she's pregnant, and after he has established paternity, if the relationship isn't working out, that is when he will have better odds of keeping the child in his life by filing for visitation rights.

[TalkThatTalk9]

oh believe me, I Agree they should not be having a child. I almost passed out when he told me, I was sick to my stomach.

 

I really pray she has a healthy pregnancy, and I really hope this works out but.... I just don't see that happening.

 

my brother has already said since day one he will get a paternity test when it is born. he has huge trust issues so that is already settled.

 

I know he has a long ways to go, that is why I am asking now so I know all I need to know to tell him what to do and get his situation in order.

 

I have been completely out of it, he just calls me to vent and I try to calm him down and tell him how to deal with it so it does not blow up in his face. he is really upset over all of this.... I know he wants to be a good dad. I know he loves her and wants to make it work. so I am trying to just be there for him.

 

I can tell my mom to stay out of it til I am blue in the face, that lady is uncontrollable. I have been trying to talk her into staying out of it but I just don't know.

 

thank you all for the advice. I welcome any more..... but thanks. this is going to be a long 9 months

[HeartGoesOn]

I understand this was not your question, but are they both living at home with their parents?

[TalkThatTalk9]

I understand this was not your question, but are they both living at home with their parents?

 

understandable question.... my brother lives with my mom but my mom has made perfectly clear they are not living with her when the baby comes. his girlfriend has her own apartment, but it is on the same property as her mom's house, so she technically lives at home.

 

my brother plans on getting them a place he has a good job lined up with a friend. and that friend has a little apartment above one of his work shops, so he has that as a last resort all else fails option.

 

I hope he can come through on it all, but at the same time.... it is going to be a huge struggle for them. (he is going to be 27 in a few months, she is 25 btw)

[jenny_mcs]

 

I hope he can come through on it all, but at the same time.... it is going to be a huge struggle for them. (he is going to be 27 in a few months, she is 25 btw)

 

WOW. From what you described (liking bikini models on FB, refusing to get out of the car) I assumed they were still in high school.

 

This really shouldn't be some insurmountable struggle for them. They are not kids! They are not even particularly young to be having a baby.

 

You need to talk to your brother about GROWING UP. The fact that he still lives with Mommy, and is still dinking around on FB with bikini model pictures, and having screaming fights with his gf in the driveway...dos not speak well to his maturity level. Hopefully his gf has someone in her life that will intervene and speak to her.

[newdeli]

Alrighty so she's psycho... she's probably doing you all a HUGE favor for not wanting to be in any of your lives.. Take it from one who knows one. I did the same crud but was younger, if your brother did end up with her and they had a kid he'd be the most miserable sight to behold... Do you really want to see your brother like that? having the kid on weekends is not that bad when compared to a lifetime of misery..

IF she was insane before the baby then more then likely hormones just added to her insanity, HOWEVER if she did decide to change herself for the better then I'd say give it a shot but pregnancy or hormones bleh are no excuse to act irrational and demand he feel guilty for having done nothing. Your brother deserves more and I'm sorry that he made the mistake of not having used protection for his well being and any child... No kid deserves to have the "irrational thinker" wait till the kid gets older! eh those mothers I see them all the time, they complain about nonsense and fight over dumb things and make everything miserable... I hope for both their sakes she has a serious self evaluation and decides to be a better more rational person. It does happen!