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Please help me understand how I fail


stayClimbing

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I don't know what it is, but none of my relationships ever get past 1 month. This last girl, her name is K (for short). She is my good friends roommate and he introduced us. From the beginning, she made it seem as if this was going to be a long-lasting relationship. I was really excited, she was really excited. It was magical every time we hung out, spent any time together, did anything together. It was just bliss.

 

Suddenly today, again about a month later, she tells me, very bluntly, "I don't want this with you." I mean I did kind of keep fighting and eventually ask her if there is any chance of her changing her mind, but that made it clear as ice. She said that we are compatible as people, but not as romantic partners. I was perplexed by this seeing as how as early as 3 days ago, this wasn't even an issue.

 

She did something last week that upset me, and it held heavy over my heart. I wanted to talk to her about it and I thought today would be the day. Instead, she ended it.

 

This is such a common theme. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I am tired of just hooking up with girls, I really am. I'm actually crying as I type this right now. I'm so sad. I'm 23. I've been in one relationship. I've hooked up with more girls than I have toes on my hands and feet. I am tired of that. I want something real. What is wrong with me. Maybe the forever alone life is mine...

 

 

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Hi,

 

I can relate, it might be because you're bringing a bit of emotional baggage into a relationship? My advice is to take it easy, and relax.

From experience I found I'd be less likely to hold a relationship if I had some sort of emotional insecurity.

However, any time I started to feel confident in myself and thought about how I could make myself happy without any external factors I suddenly stopped feeling alone. It was then when I was not minding being single that a person would enter my life!

 

Hope this helps somehow

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What I don't understand is that is the attraction always never fully there? My general pattern is this:

 

Meet a girl

Date for a bit

Start to get to know each other

Commitment time rolls around

One of you (generally in my experience the girl) bails

 

I don't understand. I'm sitting here drafting a letter I'm gonna give her early next week. I don't know what it is. I'm so depressed.

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I've finished my letter. Please let me know what you think. I worked hard at this for the past hour or two.

 

Dear (her name),

 

I've had dreams that I was laying next to you in bed... the radiant heat from my body warming up your skin... waking up every 3 seconds to make sure you were OK. When I finally awoke and realized it was all a dream... I couldn't help but cry. Your absence serves as a palpable reminder that you are, in fact, gone. I wish more than anything I could change that.

 

Its the magic I miss the most. Hearing your gentle voice on the phone always brightened my day, seeing you in person, no matter how cold the weather, always warmed my heart. Your boisterous laugh was contagious, your smile and your perfect teeth were capable of brightening even the darkest room. The happiness I think we brought each other was unparalleled. The bliss I felt when we were together is something I can only long for.

 

Its been 2 years since I've had a relationship myself. One thing I know from the beginning was that I wanted you to be *the* girl in my life. I wanted to explore you. I wanted to get to know you on a level that you wouldn't let most people. I wanted you to explore me, to understand me. I wanted us to be vulnerable around each other. I was excited, for the first time in a long time, I'd celebrate Valentines Day with a beautiful girl who I liked, who liked me, who, dare I say it, I would call my girlfriend. My Valentine. Your happiness was of paramount importance to me. I thought daily of ways I could surprise you, of new and unique things we could do... instead... I'm sitting wishing that things were different.

 

How I wish those words never left your mouth. "I don't want this with you." I didn't know I had i in me to not cry. The first thing I did when I got outside, with my very first step outside, was cry. I didn't even know I had this many tears. Days later (her name), I'm still crying. All I think about is how we won't be able to enjoy activities together - watching the Olympics (we talked about watching the Olympics together), watching Game of Thrones, visiting the Met, climbing, going to breweries, visiting Lafayette... going... skiing. I don't know what I did to make you feel this way but I'm sorry. I really am. You meant so much to me, you still do. I've never been happier than when we were together and I am pretty sure you were happy too. (her name), I'm so sorry. I wish there was anything I could to change your mind.

 

I get back from Memphis the weekend before Valentines Day. I was thinking for days how to surprise you, what to do, how to celebrate. Now, all I can do is think of ways to not weep. The girl that meant so much to me is now gone from my life. The one girl whom I felt a true connection with is now gone. I want things to be great again. I'm willing to do anything.

 

Yours,

(my name)

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I think most here on ENA will agree that while it is good that you wrote this message to get your feelings out...

 

YOU SHOULD NOT SEND IT TO HER.

 

Why?

 

Because you've only been dating a month. That's reason enough for you to not have gotten so wrapped up in her so soon. In fact, your intense amount of attachment may have been what scared her off in the first place.

 

Plus she has already said she doesn't want a relationship with you. This message won't change her mind, and will likely embarrass you after the fact, especially if you never hear back from her. Or she just texts back "Got your note. It was nice. Thanks."

 

Feel free to send it to her anyway, but at the very least hold onto it for a week to let your emotions simmer down a bit.

 

In any case, I'm sorry how things turned out... but it's happened to ALL of us.

 

Though you will have MANY more 1-month relationships in your future, eventually you'll find a girl who will be with you for the longhaul... as long as you figure out the right things to do!

 

And NOT sending this message - and keeping strict NO CONTACT (NC) with her - are the right things to do at this point. Stay strong, brother.

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I couldn't finish the letter.. I'm very sorry. I'm also very sorry for this repeat pattern.

 

The vibe I was getting from your first post -even with little information- increased with your second post, and is now confirmed in the first few lines of your letter: You are a Hopeless Romantic.

 

And not the sweet, storybook kind ironically, but the link removed kind.

 

 

The repeat pattern reflects you falling in love..faster than the other girl, and it goes from sweet romantic bliss, to clingy "smothering" or "over the top" feelings.

 

Advice? Try to slow things down a bit.. It's great to be in love.. but find out what it is you're in love with more for one, and try to let time play in your favor, and take it slow.. maybe slow your dates to once a week (or less), and get past your "1 month funk." Make it a game even, and try to fall in love in month two next time ;-)

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I think you are rushing to commitment and romanticizing things quickly, which is why your relationships fail. A month in, you should be still going on dates, feeling each other out, seeing whether you are compatible. It's too early to talk about magic and all that stuff. I agree with the other posters that the letter is a little over the top for someone you dated for a month.

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I think you are rushing to commitment and romanticizing things quickly, which is why your relationships fail. A month in, you should be still going on dates, feeling each other out, seeing whether you are compatible. It's too early to talk about magic and all that stuff. I agree with the other posters that the letter is a little over the top for someone you dated for a month.

 

Agreed -- wayyyyy too much, too soon. I suspect there's a pattern of you wanting a full-on relationship after a very short period of time, and that can scare the other person away. At a month, you still barely know someone.

 

I think it's good that you wrote the letter for your own sake -- for catharsis -- but I would advise you not to send it. It's much too intense, and I can almost guarantee you it will achieve nothing other than making you feel worse when she doesn't respond favorably -- or doesn't respond at all.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting over this, but it would be a great idea to step back and look at patterns in your relationships -- not just in how they've ended, but in what happened before that -- how they started, how quickly you got attached, the type of women you're choosing, etc.

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I was like you when i was younger. You seem needy and clingy- with experience that will change, you are still young. Also, my issue was fighting and being controlling, when i stopped fighting (even to the point that i let her get away with things short of murder in my young eyes) is when i started having long relationships.

 

Calm, cool and careless... the 3 words you need to live by if you want a relationship. Feed her love and charm while you are at it, always try to be calm and not an emotional mess, be cool enough that you dont sap the emotional energies in a relationship, and be careless enough to drop this clingy, needy and obsessive behavior whenever she goes left instead of right.

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Ahh, I wasn't sure what the problem was until I read the first paragraph of your letter. Writing a letter in the first place seemed a bit too full on for me.

I think you throw yourself all in when you meet a girl you like. You say you spent all of your time together, this might have smothered her and put too much pressure on her. It's not like it is in the movies, being so full on with love at first sight doesn't work anymore. We are a skeptical generation. If someone is instantly falling for someone else we roll our eyes and assume it isn't real. It usually isn't.

 

Your letter sounds like infatuation, which is wonderful when someone else feels the same way. Much less if they don't.

 

Let girls go at their own pace. I've said before, just because you are in love doesn't mean that person is there with you just yet. It can scare someone away that you are too available.

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Hey stayClimbing,

 

I'm sorry you're going through all this pain. I'm glad you got this out of your chest on a piece of paper, but PLEASE DON'T SEND IT! It will send the wrong message; it's kind of....clingy and desperate.

 

Perhaps you should think about the emotional investments that you've made in these one month relationships? I have had shampoos that last longer! It's not really enough time. It seems that you REALLY want a relationship, but a relationship is not the end point. You gotta find a person that wants to stick around and invest the emotional intimacy and time, by definition that would be a relationship.

 

Who cares if you'd never had a relationship that lasts longer than one month? You're still a young guy. Just give it time. I'm sorry.

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Yes, don't send the letter to her!

 

I had an ex who gave me a rose and wrote me a poem about how many days we'd been together and how he loved me..

It was only a month and I didn't share his feelings. It put me off for good and I broke it off with him a day later.

 

Keep your dignity, and move on.

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So I scrapped the letter. I turned the page. You guys are all right in that I fall quick. My problem is I'm not sure how to not fall quick. Am I hopeless? Maybe. I'm not sure.

 

I clearly realize that yes, this was way too much time spending together way too early on. I have hope that maybe things will be different, but not tomorrow or the next day.

 

What do you suggest I do? The point of this topic waa me realizing that I probably am the problem. Now that we've done that... How do I fix me? And maybe this relationship

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Be a hopeless romantic. But keep your cards to your chest and don't overwhelm them with love before they're even ready to.

 

Because someone has suggested that you're in love with the idea of love - this tells me you're not as interested in getting to know a person as you are falling in love with them. After a month, you don't know a person at all. They've had years and years of becoming the person they are today, they should still be fascinating you with their stories and you, them. The fact that you wrote that letter - I'm not going to go into details, but it was very deep. It would probably bode well to someone as equally romantic as you. Can you honestly say that is what kind of person she was? I don't know if she is, or isn't a person who would respond well to it but I don't think you do either.

 

I have dated a similar guy to you and it absolutely overwhelmed me. I don't think it even got to a month to be honest with you. My thoughts about him are similar towards you - and that is that this guy simply assumed that I would love that. I felt that he didn't really bother to actually get to know me, and anything I did open up to him about (VERY little) he just wasn't interested in hearing. It was almost like, in my point of view, he had some kind of idea already in his head of how I, and all women, would like to be treated. He would turn up with huge bunches of flowers, yet if he had gotten to know me he would have learned that I don't like dying flowers left in a vase.

 

I'm only saying all of this because I'm telling you from the other persons point of view. Maybe he did genuinely like me and think I was special, maybe he was falling in love with me. However, because it was all so rushed and intense immediately, all that rang to me were alarm bells in that - I could be anyone. I wasn't special, I wasn't unique. This is how he would treat anybody in my shoes. That was the impression I got and I ran away from that.

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Wow your insight is amazing. Everybody. I have many questions. I'm surprised that you are all describing me perfectly without ever having known me or this whole story. I can't thank you enough for helping me get answers to something I desperately need to change.

 

I've slept with tons of women and my intention with K was for her to not be just another fling. I wish I had this insight before but honestly speaking, how do I suppress my desire to "be in love." My ex gf cheated on me on my birthday, I found out july 4. It is sad that its taken me nearly 3 years to come to terms with it but I need to move on and be happy.

 

How do I suppress this desire to be wanted by somebody else? To come off like this crazy person? And, just to pique my curiosity is there anyway this may be fixed? The above post brought me some incredible insight that I never once considered so honestly I don't even know I should try to fix anything but myself right now.

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So im sorry for so many posts in a row. I cant edit. I am thinking... yeah I do fall fast. How do you not? When you are dating somebody and you like her or him how do you stop yourself from liking too much?? Some people suggest dating multiple people. That strategy has gotten me in trouble and plus I feel like an ahole doing that.

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So im sorry for so many posts in a row. I cant edit. I am thinking... yeah I do fall fast. How do you not? When you are dating somebody and you like her or him how do you stop yourself from liking too much?? Some people suggest dating multiple people. That strategy has gotten me in trouble and plus I feel like an ahole doing that.

 

It's not falling in love. It's falling in infatuation and projecting your hopes and dreams on the others person. It is your loneliness and insecurity taking you over and causing you to cling.

 

I personally think it does you no good to sugar code it as being a hopeless romantic. That phrase glosses over what I think is a much deeper issue of self-esteem and the ability to love yourself. You need to work on becoming a more rooted person and that doesn't poof happen over night. It takes years of self-observation and pampering to really make that connection. I'd suggest you get therapy so you can think through and explore your feelings around being single and your feelings about yourself.

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So I scrapped the letter. I turned the page. You guys are all right in that I fall quick. My problem is I'm not sure how to not fall quick. Am I hopeless? Maybe. I'm not sure.

 

I clearly realize that yes, this was way too much time spending together way too early on. I have hope that maybe things will be different, but not tomorrow or the next day.

 

What do you suggest I do? The point of this topic waa me realizing that I probably am the problem. Now that we've done that... How do I fix me? And maybe this relationship

 

Experience will force you to learn. I remember how one girl i didnt like managed to work her way into my life and i fell instantly. I was a clueless mess, talking to her on the phone with my voice-cracking, i couldnt even eat without knowing that she was still thinking about me. I was a mess, it was bad... to like someone but feel so much pain at the same time because you just liked her too much. That was a young thor... i didnt have a hammer, i had a fly-swatter instead.

 

Now, i forget the girls name half the time. Most of the time its me ending things with them. It was a long road of heartbreaks for me. I learned by being angry and cold - then i shifted to being careless and cool.

 

I would just date and not have it interfere with life. Make her 15% of your time and effort only (but when you are on the actual date she is 100%)... after sex (ladies are going to hate me for this one) 50%, and when shes your woman (65-75%) of your life. Play your videgames, sports and school.. or whatever you crazy-kids do nowadays, but dont make this girl a priority yet, women come and go, bro... you are young.. though its lovely to think the next girl can be your last... its not... shes a stranger, charm and attract her, dont pushher away by attaching yourself to her hip.

 

And if things happen fast and shes coming at you in full-force, add more to the percentages, feed her that you like her in person and on the phone - but pull a bit when you are home and living your personal life, i promise you that even in this situation where the girl is throwing herself at you - you can quickly lose her by being too needy and clingy - i was there.

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So therapy isnt actually an affordable option for me. I think if I change my mindset its definitely something I can work towards. Do you have any suggestions, or anybody really

 

There are places that can do a sliding scale based on your income. But if you are invested in NOT getting help, then I guess you can go through "the long road of heartache" like Thor did until you start to learn.

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You know I really don't understand you Darcy. You're providing essentially very little help and instead advocating to go to an outside agency. I think I will stick with Thor's method. ****, look at him. He learned right? And he didn't pay $150+ an hour for the experiences. He's also not the only person that didn't go to therapy. lol

 

Actually I was just hanging out with some friends, checking here to see opinions and I talked to my best friend who I was with about it. After that conversation, I felt a massive burden removed from my chest. My plan now is to just take some time off to myself (from all women I mean) and really introspect and get to know myself and why I behave(d) the way I did. The conclusion I reached from our drive home (while this conversation was occurring) that, if anything, I owe K an apology and a thank you. An apology for how I treated her (which wasn't bad, but obviously wasn't great) and a thank you for her helping me learn this about myself.

 

I can see the horizon. I will be more comfortable in my skin! Thank you all for your help. I'm so grateful that there is such a strong supportive online community.

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