Capricorn3 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 THIS IS sooooooooooo creepy! You only dated her for a MONTH! If someone gave me a letter like this, I would be really creeped out. I have to admit, I felt the same when reading that letter and felt myself literally cringing. OP: whatever you do, please do NOT send that letter! You come accross as unbelievably desperate, clingy and very needy, all of which is very off-putting. Maybe the reason things never work out is because you smother them? Or too much too soon of the clingy/neediness? To be honest, I think you should be on your own for a good long while, get yourself sorted out mentally and emotionally until you are in a strong and healthy place before trying to get into a relationship. Where you're at right now, I don't see any relationship ending successfully. Stay single, work on yourself and get yourself sorted out. Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Right so I'm not sending the letter. Instead I'm taking some time away from everything. I'm going away for 15 days and in that time, I'm going to be pretty isolated and in rural US so I will be able to just reflect and try to learn and grow. If my feelings are still true after this trip, I'll reach out. If not, then that's fine too. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 OP: If you go back to all your previous threads you'll very quickly notice the common theme being how desperate you feel, how needy you are etc. ALL of your threads mention these words time and time again. I don't think being away for 15 days is enough, but it IS a good time for you to reflect and figure out WHY you are this way. I would say seeing that this has been a steady pattern for several years, perhaps looking into professional counseling/therapy will help you get to the bottom of it all and will be a great benefit to you. Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 So I really cannot afford $150+/hr for counseling. I work a very bad job, $11/hr and it's only part time. I'm sure counseling might be great, but I really don't think I can afford it. And you're right Capricorn. This experience is the nail in that desperate, needy, clingy me's coffin. I don't want to be like that anymore. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 OP: If you go back to all your previous threads you'll very quickly notice the common theme being how desperate you feel, how needy you are etc. ALL of your threads mention these words time and time again. I don't think being away for 15 days is enough, but it IS a good time for you to reflect and figure out WHY you are this way. I would say seeing that this has been a steady pattern for several years, perhaps looking into professional counseling/therapy will help you get to the bottom of it all and will be a great benefit to you. I completely agree. I went back and looked into the pattern and it is right there. You are emotionally needy in these situations. After so long of this I am not sure it does you a service to assume you will learn on your own. I do think you it is great you came here for advice. BUT we are only advisers who point you in a direction. We cannot "help" in the sense of fixing you. You fix you. And trust me when people realize what a long term process self change is ... it is a little overwhelming but empowering too. Without therapy I would suggest that not dating at all for a few years but no one does that lol. And I think cutting out the hook up sex with random folks is actually helpful to you. It might not allow you to develop appropriate attachments to women when you go from one extreme to another. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Without therapy I would suggest that not dating at all for a few years. Yep, that's what I said too. You need to be on your own for a good long while and get these issues sorted out before trying to be in any relationship. To be honest, I don't see you managing to sort this out on your own. Perhaps your parents can help you out with payment for professional therapy? Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 26, 2014 Author Share Posted January 26, 2014 So what kind of therapy even? K would tell me that she would go to get therapy. Look honestly, it's been what 2 days since everything ended. I think about it, and I want to improve myself. Why? I want to improve FOR ME. That's ultimate to me. Maybe I'm going to say this next thing because this is still a fresh wound, but I part of me is hopeful that if I do improve myself, then there is some remote possibility that reaching out to K may rectify this. If it doesn't, that's OK because I'm still a better man I was then when I started. How is therapy any different from talking to friends about this? I went 2 years after my ex of not even talking to girls. Admittedly, little of this time went to even reflecting on how I could improve. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted January 26, 2014 Share Posted January 26, 2014 I think what would be the "long way" of changing your mindset is to have your heart broken a few times until you no longer want to wear your heart on your sleeve and be so "easy" to fall for someone. That's not really an instruction, but just probably a path most people have taken in life to get to a point where they steady themselves when entering a new relationship so as not to overwhelm the person or get too excited before knowing them either. We almost always see the best side of people before we get to know them. It's why we end up going on dates and wanting to get to know the people. In the first month, you will only be seeing that side. A lot of people keep that in mind. I'm not saying we should look for the bad points in people or even expect them, but just to keep in mind that we simply can't know a person fully - warts and all - until more time passes. You yourself threw all of your eggs in one basket with this girl without getting to know her first. Then she left you - for whatever reason - you found out that all that emotional investment in this girl went to waste because then she ended up throwing it away and leaving you. Lather, rinse, repeat - and you'll soon learn to not get so emotionally invested in a person so soon. However life isn't as robotic and straight forward as that - I'm not saying to go off and have a load of relationships in order to get your heart broken. No one goes and does that purposely, it is just what happens to people. I think if you can keep the rational thought in your head, however, next time you are pursuing a relationship - you may come off as more easy going and not so intense as you have been so far. Also - keep in mind that your actions may be overwhelming the person - and if you actually care about them then it is better to give them their space and not have so many expectations of them so fast. Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 26, 2014 Author Share Posted January 26, 2014 How else did I get to this point? None of my past relationships lasted beyond a month or two at maximum; except my one and only with my ex, and we were together from senior year of high school until junior year of college anyway. I know space is very important. I'm actually about to grab a beer with her roommate, the guy that introduced us. **** Link to comment
Mr_LFA Posted January 26, 2014 Share Posted January 26, 2014 How else did I get to this point? None of my past relationships lasted beyond a month or two at maximum; except my one and only with my ex, and we were together from senior year of high school until junior year of college anyway. I know space is very important. I'm actually about to grab a beer with her roommate, the guy that introduced us. **** I think you need to just relax and not have the mindset that dating someone will turn into a long term relationship - most of the time, it wont. Take your so called 'failures' and learn from them but don't beat yourself up about it all. I know it's hard and like others have mentioned previously, counselling/therapy may be beneficial here too. Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 26, 2014 Author Share Posted January 26, 2014 The thing I don't understand is we made plans for the future. We were supposed to watch the Olympics together... visit places, go star-seeing, city-touring, etc... I even remember her saying "This is going to go far in person and with a huge smile on her face. As I picture that moment of our relationship I actually cry. I really don't understand. I don't know. Man, this is a bad place. Link to comment
Throwaway999 Posted January 26, 2014 Share Posted January 26, 2014 Wait, you were only with her for a month but were already making extended plans for the future, and now you are crying thinking about it? A month! Dude you got waaaay too far gone waaaay to early. She probably WAS into you and excited about the relationship as well in the beginning, but I'd wager that you ran her off by being too clingy. You've got to exercise some self control in a relationship and not turn into some fawning, gushing schoolgirl. Especially early on. Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 26, 2014 Author Share Posted January 26, 2014 Wait, you were only with her for a month but were already making extended plans for the future, and now you are crying thinking about it? A month! Dude you got waaaay too far gone waaaay to early. She probably WAS into you and excited about the relationship as well in the beginning, but I'd wager that you ran her off by being too clingy. You've got to exercise some self control in a relationship and not turn into some fawning, gushing schoolgirl. Especially early on. Yeah I know. Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 26, 2014 Author Share Posted January 26, 2014 It just pains me so much knowing that I am yet again the reason why something didn't work out. I was super sure that she was different from others and I, instead of nurturing the relationship and her, turned again into my super clingy terrible old self. I keep wishing I could go back in time. I never truly learned from past experiences, but this is one that I am really hoping to get a lot out of and ideally not make these mistakes twice Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 27, 2014 Author Share Posted January 27, 2014 I found a somewhat affordable Cognition Based Therapy guy nearby to me. I'm planning on calling him tomorrow. Is there anything I should know Link to comment
kitkat620 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 When something is good sometimes the desperation we feel to hold onto that good thing is overwhelming and we become suffocating. There is a thing as too much too soon and that is what happens with you it seems. It doesn't seem to me that you are very insecure, it just seems that when you find someone you like you overwhelm them emotionally. The beginning stages of a relationship are usually fairy-tale-like. The giddiness we feel sometimes makes us say things that we really didn't think through. (In your case it was the two of you planning things in the near future to do; watching the olympics, star gazing, etc.) After a few weeks of dating, when things start to float down to solid ground, realization steps in. Obviously your ex felt her feelings changing. Enough that she decided it better to end things with you. Kudos to her for that. Would you rather have had her wait a couple more months when your heart was even more vested to break the news to you that she wasn't interested? You're young. You have a lot of dating to do before you find the one. You have proved to yourself that spending time with good friends talking and hanging out always makes you feel better. Continue to do that. Enjoy life and find your happiness. Let this one go and use it as a learning tool. With each heartbreak you grow stronger. One day you will look back at this and wonder what the big deal was. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 The thing I don't understand is we made plans for the future. We were supposed to watch the Olympics together... visit places, go star-seeing, city-touring, etc... I even remember her saying "This is going to go far in person and with a huge smile on her face. As I picture that moment of our relationship I actually cry. I really don't understand. I don't know. Man, this is a bad place. No disrespect, but this is weak... but, this used to be me too. I am not filling in words when i needed to talk a walk and i couldnt put a spoon in my mouth because the girl i liked for a few weeks said she doesnt like me anymore. Its a tremendous culture-shock, it throws of the hollywood image we have of boy likes girl. Control your insecurity... and stop being needy, it kills attraction. Some women are amazing at reading bodylanguage, even if you think you have it covered up, or that you arent that needy, they will still smell it on you anyway. Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 29, 2014 Author Share Posted January 29, 2014 Yeah. I know I was being such a weak little punk the past few days. I've done a lot of introspection. I think I know what needs to change and that's really just my mentality. It's unfortunate I think that we live in a world where we have "hide" or affections for a short time, but whatever. You live and you learn... and believe me... I've learned. Link to comment
dobbin Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 it's ok to write down your thoughts but please burn them afterwards do not send her the letter. i didnt finish your letter. i only read the first paragraph and it was creepy and sick you are way too emotional and attached. i think you need to work on your independence and be happy on your own before you date anybody. yes, some girls, myself included, can smell insecurity, neediness, creepiness and even arrogance from miles away! Link to comment
stayClimbing Posted January 29, 2014 Author Share Posted January 29, 2014 it's ok to write down your thoughts but please burn them afterwards do not send her the letter. i didnt finish your letter. i only read the first paragraph and it was creepy and sick you are way too emotional and attached. i think you need to work on your independence and be happy on your own before you date anybody. yes, some girls, myself included, can smell insecurity, neediness, creepiness and even arrogance from miles away! It was nice getting this off my chest. This letter no longer exists in the material world. I know what I need to do and I'm absolutely focused on improving myself and being happy with who I am. This is a long and hard journey but I'm positive... my life has been about perseverance... until this year I had no future... that I will be successful Link to comment
Liraele Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Are you maybe just... trying too hard? Like way way too hard? If you relax and let things take their normal course without expectations... you might get further. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Yeah. I know I was being such a weak little punk the past few days. I've done a lot of introspection. I think I know what needs to change and that's really just my mentality. It's unfortunate I think that we live in a world where we have "hide" or affections for a short time, but whatever. You live and you learn... and believe me... I've learned. Society says men have to have it together - or we will be labeled as weak or less manly. It turned me cold, and somehow... being cold, helped me figure it out... it paved the way for the magic word... to be... CAREFREE. When i became cold, i had more women, but they didnt last... i took what worked, which was the behavior of being carefree (oh, you are going out to a club dressed in that... thats hot baby, send me pics when you get there!) and when i dont hear from her all day, then unless i feel something happened to her - id messaged her the next day like nothing happened - when we get into an argument, i dont chase, i either try to talk things out, or if she has a fit - i stop the date and tell her i am dropping her off because im not dealing with this right now... And when you think about, that strong needy draw you have will die during a relationship, even if you guys get together - chances are you will become carefee and default to a normal relationship anyway. So, in a way, that just shows that needy behavior is not normal, you are needy became of "something" but you are not a needy person, find that flaw - when you see this, you will understand. May the force be with you... Link to comment
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