Moved out.

[Blue nose]

Hi guys after a long discussion with the girlfriend and her ex contacting her on FB, I've decided to move out for the time being and I'm now staying at a friends. I feel deceived and very much used at the moment. She has told me that she does not want him that if she was going to cheat with him she would have done it ages ago. As though that is supposed to make me feel good.

 

The ex pops out of the blue in ten years to tell you how much he has changed and that he wants you this time around and you can just switch like that. I don't think she loved me to begin with and was just a time filler. When I met her three months into the relationship I changed my mobile number and email and cut off all ties with my ex. Why is that so difficult.

 

She wants me to come back so we can work it out for the sake of our son and for us but I'm not so sure. I keep thinking about that message she sent him about being not that silly to marry me with the emoji an image winking next to it and I just feel betrayed.

[ThatwasThen]

Are you serious? You have a son together and you're ending things because some douche bag she hasn't talked to in 10 years reached out to her? I'd question your loyalty and your own emotional investment to me if you would leave (move out) so readily without even trying to come to a compromise or discussion on what is and is not acceptable behaviour when in a monogamous, committed relationship.

 

Don't be mad, but at least heed that you are not showing anyone that you are a good lifemate if you'd check out so quickly without even trying to remedy.You've shown her a red flag to match hers that she's shown you. Yours however, in the grand scheme of things is redder.

 

Get couples councelling together. You obviously need it if this little thing has caused such a clatter... it's clear that there are other underlying issues that are making it so easy for you to flee. Your son deserves to have two parents that are happy with one another. The least you could do is TRY and then if things can't be remedied after that then as least you know you've done your best to make it work with the woman you had a child with.

[ThatwasThen]

I wanted to add that I've just now read your other thread and see that you quickly got on the "leave her she's not taking your feelings into account if she'd talk to an ex" band wagon and you've broken up your family because of that leap. Have you ever thought about compromise rather then only you being the one that gets what they want? How has your relationship been in general? Has it been you calling the shots and her obeying or has it been a Partnership where you discuss, compromise, communicate well how certain activities make you feel and how they make her feel and being able to harmoniously come to a happy remedy. OR: Has it been about trying to control and then getting ego hurt after failing at the attempts to control? Honest question that you don't have to answer but to yourself.

 

You have a child together. The world doesn't need anymore split up families so do some work to fix this with her help and if after couples councelling you can't fix ALL the issues you both have that have remained unresolved and pushed under the rug, then and only then make your son another statistic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you stay just for his sake, that's not good for his own emotional health any better then breaking up the family would be.

[Iggy5129]

You ended a relationship because of Facebook, that's just sad. I agree with the above poster, you have a child act like a mature adult.

 

Are people really supposed to change their number every time they break up with someone? That is ridiculous. I've had the same cell number since I was 16, if I don't want to talk to someone I don't answer or I block their number. I'm still friendly with exes and talk to them every once in a while but I in no way want to be romantic with them ever again. It seems like you're either really insecure or were looking for a way out of the relationship.

[GinNJuice]

He is her live-in boyfriend and father of her child, and she told her ex that she'd not be silly enough to marry him. Sounds to me like the OP is being used, Facebook message or not. I think he is right to leave this skank, and I think she should have to sever all contact with this guy before he even thinks about getting back with her.

[ThatwasThen]

Your "think" doesn't facilitate a reconcilliation that both people will end up NOT being resentful of the other. There is obviously something in the Op that is not copacetic with the "skank" who said that to an ex. They have other problems going on that have never been addressed and are still ongoing other then an ex and what was discussed.

 

This isn't a three month relationship that doesn't include children. This is a 9 year union where a child has been conceived. Surely that alone is a reason to work on what they have'nt been doing right and if after learning tools to conflict resolution they still cannot make things better, then run away. Surely we all can stretch the usual advice and conceive that there might just be a good reason why she wouldn't be silly enough to marry this guy OTHER then she said it because she wants her ex back.

[oneK]

ThatWasThen: Would you extend the same understanding and advice to forgive this betrayal and work things out for the sake of the child if this were a girl/woman telling the same story? I seriously doubt it

[ThatwasThen]

ThatWasThen: Would you extend the same understanding and advice to forgive this betrayal and work things out for the sake of the child if this were a girl/woman telling the same story? I seriously doubt it

 

Please! Don't make this a gender thing when clearly my advise would apply to either gender. If Op were a woman, I would be telling her exactly the same thing. Yes I would if there were a 10 year relationship and a child involved.

 

Like I said, this is not a Less then a year union where it's just been discovered that you're with the wrong person. This is a serious union that has hit a blip wherein we don't even know anything more then a mere snippet... certainly not enough to be telling him to run-away and foresake this over a conversation with an ex.

 

What else has been going on Op that made you make this simple thing the straw that broke the camels back? Anything? What?

 

I am the first person to tell someone to leave a fairly new relationship if their partner is still totally embroiled with an ex. This is not a case of that.

[oneK]

ThatWasThen: You just gave this advice to a woman OP in a 20-year marriage with 2 children:

 

Get yourself your own therapy so that you learn to get the strength to leave this horrible situation you discribe

 

and...

 

You make good money, you can afford to leave

 

Clearly, your advice is very different for different genders

[SpottiOtti]

ThatWasThen: You just gave this advice to a woman OP in a 20-year marriage with 2 children:

 

 

 

and...

 

 

 

Clearly, your advice is very different for different genders

 

So . . . you equate this poster's situation with an abusive relationship as well? Do you feel like they are similar in any way?

[SpottiOtti]

OP: I'm not sure that I'm clear on what exactly your partner did. Could you explain the original situation to me please?

[oneK]

So . . . you equate this poster's situation with an abusive relationship as well? Do you feel like they are similar in any way?

 

Every situation is different, of course. But your gender-biased approach is obvious. With this male OP you immediately implied he was overreacting and showed no empathy. You then asked a string of leading questions...

 

Has it been you calling the shots and her obeying

Has it been about trying to control and then getting ego hurt after failing at the attempts to control?

 

With the female OP, your advice, without a similar call to look at what she has done to cause the situation, was to leave this abusive relationship (even though, as we speak, the OP herself is arguing with you about whether there is actual abuse). In both cases, your underlying assumption, without further enquiry, is that the male is at fault.

 

I agree with you that long-term relationships, especially those with children, deserve more effort and forgiveness. But I have to point out your glaring hypocrisy here - like many feminists, male chauvinists and racists you are completely blind to your own prejudice.

[ThatwasThen]

Will you please stop partiallyquoting me so that it appears that your own prejudices are on target and then following up by putting words in my mouth.

 

This is NOT a gender issue and if you scout back my posting history you'll see that I'm not caring what gender an opening poster is when I give my advise or opinions. I without prejudice ask you to take a look at your own jaded and misogynist view of this situation.

 

This is off topic so if you want to continue to try and skew this into a gender war then please private email me.

[oneK]

I don't see where I have put words in your mouth and quoting is acceptable on this forum, as far as I know.

 

But yes, this is not really helping the OP so we should stop here.

[oneK]

BlueNose:

 

It's highly unlikely that the ex just showed up 'out of the blue'. Your girlfriend has probably been in contact with him more than you know and you are only now finding out about the tip of the betrayal iceberg. You know her character better than the rest of us but what she said to him about not wanting to marry you is very telling about how she views you and your relationship.

 

As pointed out by others here, a long-term relationship involving a child deserves more effort. My advice: Wait until you have calmed down and can see things clearly and give her a chance to explain. But unless you completely mis-read the message and this is all just a misunderstanding, she would have proven herself to be untrustworthy and not committed to you. In that case, ending the relationship while doing everything to protect your son would, IMO, be for the best for all of you.

[Blue nose]

The ex was probably in the background all the time. Last year once in a while she would create an argument over something petty, not worthy argument. When she fell pregnant with our son she told me five months into the pregnancy that she was and she did not know.

When I wanted to go to her scan appointment she fobbed me off not to come, which I could n't understand why.

I just feel our relationship has been one big lie.

[Ms Darcy]

I think there were several red flags in the relationship and I can understand why you ended the relationship:

 

When she fell pregnant with our son she told me five months into the pregnancy that she was and she did not know.

When I wanted to go to her scan appointment she fobbed me off not to come, which I could n't understand why.

I just feel our relationship has been one big lie.

 

1. You don't trust her. It's especially disturbing you think she was lying about the pregnancy.

 

My problem is my girlfriends ex who she had only been with for a month or so before she met me. She had left her Facebook open by accident and lo and behold the ex contacted asking her how is she and whether she is still with me and if we were getting married. She replied that she was still with me but she is not silly to marry me. Find this strange because she keeps going on about wanting to get married so we are complete family.

 

So the next day I told her what are saw and asked why was he contacting her again and her reasons for telling him that she was not that silly to marry me yet telling me different. Her response was because her parents divorced she did n't want to go through that.

 

2. She went from wanting marriage to no longer wanting marriage. That's a huge change from what she had been telling you.

 

What's annoying me, is that when I told her to reply back to him saying for him not contact her again she refused to do so. Her reply to me was he already thinks that I'm a fruit cake anyway, and that I should do it. I can't see what the problem is in doing it.

 

3. You feel like she is not respecting relationship boundaries in terms of communication with an ex.

 

Just before Xmas she was talking about moving house and that we could borrow £150 thousand pounds from the bank for a better property, considering she's up to the eyeballs in debt with student loans. I'm debt free. A close friend of mine who works with mortgages warned me if I took out a joint mortgage with her, half of her student debts will be mine and any others she has not told me about.

 

When I told this, she blew up in a rage. Saying my friend does n't know what he is talking about!

 

4. It seems like she was trying to take serious advantage of you financially.

 

I think you are better off single.

[pl3asehelp]

You made the right move. She's simply not a dependable person, let alone partner and trusting her would be foolish. To be the best dad you can, you need to separate.

[ThatwasThen]

She is right. Your friend doesnt know what hes talking about. If shes up to her nose in debt then she may not qualify for a mortgage loan but her debt wouldnt become yours just because you are on title on a property together. Not for that reason alone anyway. Perhaps you misunderstood exactly what your friend was saying?

[oneK]

SHE is right! Your friend (who works in the industry), HE is wrong!

 

You are proving my point over and over, ThatWasThen.

 

And btw, me calling you out on your unacceptably blatant sexism doesn't make me a misogynist. It's just telling it like it is. You're one of those people who are so busy demanding everyone look at themselves that you don't have time to do it yourself.

 

BlueNose: Your trust is dead, and for good reason. Start the work of mending your heart and picking yourself up from this...good luck mate, it's tough bad you'll get through it

[ThatwasThen]

I'm in the industry. His friend is wrong. Being on title on a mortgage, that alone does not make him responsible for all her other debts. Her debt certainly would be taken into account when qualifying them for a mortgage though. At least where I'm from anyway.

 

Once again, this is not about gender and if you insist on making this a personal thread starring you and me, I will have no choice but to report you.

[missmarple]

I would have done the same. If I read a message (or a letter or heard a phonecall..whatever) of my boyfriend/fiance/husband telling an ex of his that he's not that silly to marry me, I would be gone. I would be gone even faster if we had a child because he would be disrespecting (and to an ex from all things!) the mother of his child.

What's to discuss about this situation?? I don't understand why some people consider it 'a small thing'. A small thing would be if, say, she checked out pics of hot men on facebook. Not the fact that she a/refused to stop talking to this guy, b/talked about the father of her child in that way and c/had been lying to the OP about wanting to marry him.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm against him moving out because they can't fix this if they are not talking. I'm against him moving out at this point because they have a child together and they've been together for 10 years. There must have been a loving union there at some point or why else would he stay with her for a decade? I suggest he go back and tried to resolve or at the very least suggest couples councelling before he just bolts and ignores her request to talk about this situation.

 

If he's done then there isn't much left to do but try to be a good father to his son but what's been happening (according to this one sided report) is something that can be remedied. If there a whole slew of other problems that have just been piling up and never getting resolved then that is an issue of not being able to communicate, negotiate, compromise or sometimes even equience. These are all things that can be improved upon with the help of a unbiased mediator and when the skills are honed, the serenity will naturally follow. If it doesn't, and they've tried after getting help with their conflict resolution, and there are still reason to make the Op flee, then at least there has been a good attempt at keeping this long term union/family together.

 

Like I said, this isn't some fly-by-nite relationship that didn't last past the honeymoon stage. At least attempt (with someone that can actually improve on their lack of communication skills rather then doing the same thing over and over and it not getting any better) to get it right before you give it up, No?

[oneK]

If her debts are secured against the joint mortgage, then the OP could indirectly be liable in that the joint property will be lost if her debt is not serviced.

 

I don't understand why some people consider it 'a small thing'

 

I don't understand either.

[ThatwasThen]

If her debts are secured against the joint mortgage, then the OP could indirectly be liable in that the joint property will be lost if her debt is not serviced.

IF her debts were secured against the mortgage/someone put a lean on the home so the equity could be theirs until the debts were paid off etc then yes, it would effect him. As long as she keeps paying them off then there should be no problem. Here, where I live they are considered common-law married anyway after three years so her debts are his now anyway. This all would be taken into account should the union dissolve and any equity left over after all debts were paid, her debt would be considered as hers and the funds would be divied up to reflect that fact.

 

I don't understand either.

it doesn't matter what you understand or not. I'm addressing the Op with different scenerios other then leave your family. Its up to him if he takes the advice or not.

 

If he's anything like some people, he'll end up going back to her anyway (2 or 3 times) which just causes emotional problems. Why not just get it fixed (hopefully)now and stay together. Or find out after trying to fix it, it can't be and then leaving for good instead of hoovering one another back and forth? That's just a waste of everyone's time, the good emotional health of their kids and themselves and it stagnates everyone from actually moving on and adjusting.