Moved out.

[Blue nose]

My girlfriend of ten years wants to talk regarding our future together and our son. I will happily talk about the future of our son but I'm not sure about our future together. If she wants to get back with her ex then so be it. I would have thought if he was that into her he would n't have taken ten years to reappear. But the more I think about it I would n't be surprised if she did n't contact him.

[ThatwasThen]

Why don't you just talk to her and discuss seeing a couples councilor together? Afterall; You don't know that she wants to be with him so don't jump to conclusions.

 

After talking to her you discover that she does want to be with him then you can deal with that then. I'd start by calling a lawyer and making sure you have proper visitation and child support payments in place.

 

One step at a time Blue nose.

[Blue nose]

I think she knows who she wants to be with and it's not me. I've come to realise that I was just the rebound guy until the ex turns up. Rather than wait for him by herself she used my time to wait for him.

I'm just saddened that our son is caught up in the middle of this who might not be mine.

 

Her mum came out with a remark saying she thinks he's mine but she's not sure.

That says it all.

[Ms Darcy]

So what are your next steps?

[ThatwasThen]

How old is your son and what indication has she given you to make u think hes not yours? Any shady behaviour?

 

(Besides what you are upset about her being in contact with an ex of 10 yrars ago?)

 

You've alteady said that she wanted you to come home and work on things so why would you think she'd want him?

 

Is she a skank generally that you have never trusted since the beginning? How would her mother be able to guarantee that hes yours. Only a paternity test could do that.

 

Anyway, See what she has to say and THEN think on facts.

 

You'll feel better if you don't guess at what shes going to say/do.

[shelty24]

I am confused as to why you left. Was she flirting with him? Showing signs that she is about to cheat? If not, then I think you should go home and work this out with her

[Blue nose]

One thing I've learnt being away from the situation has given me time to reflect on things. All the things that I let pass and did n't question. Why a woman approaching 30 does not know that she is five months pregnant. Remember she is not silly to marry me, but I'm silly to borrow 150 grand from the bank. I'm going to tomorrow to see her and our son and see what she has to say.

[ThatwasThen]

Did you ever actually ask her to marry you and she turned you down?

 

When you demanded she stop talking to him and she told You to tell him, why didnt you tell him? She gave you permission?

 

I see huge communication issues between two people that have gotten so out of hand that now your union consists mostly of bumping heads and resentment.

 

After reading your other threads i see there is far more to fix then her simply stop talking to her ex.

 

Had she stopped when you told her to i dont think either of you would be any happier. There are more problems then her chats. Get some couples councelling if your going to stay together.

[shelty24]

Many women do not know they are pregnant. Many have irregular periods or are on birth control. Some even have periods throughout the pregnancy. Two of my friends didn't know they were pregnant until late in the pregnancy. Ever watch that program "I didn't know I was pregnant" It happens to thousands of women. My aunt was 34 having her second child and she didn't know until 4 and a half months in...

[ThatwasThen]

^^^ Yes, There is much jumping to negative conclusions rather then actually resolving going on.

[Blue nose]

I'm not negative I just want to know that I'm not been taken for a fool.

As for asking her to tell the ex to stop contacting her which she replied you do it. Don't you think if she was that bothered she would have done it herself. It's like she is telling me what she feels I need to hear, now go away, and telling him something else.

Sounds like she is more or less telling him the door is still open.

[ThatwasThen]

{When you're displaying negativity, saying you're Not Negative doesn't make it so}

 

Here's another angle for you to contemplate. I think she's just tired of being accused of things, being mis-construed and having someone question her. Her telling you to do it, sounds to me, like she's just resigned from the relationship even more and doesn't care what you do to make yourself feel less anxious about her as long as you stop feeling anxious. Instead of you telling her how her talking to him and telling him the things you say you read and how that makes you feel under-appreciated and unloved, you demanded she stop talking to him. Anyone who is the tad bit head-strong would immediately put up a defensive block to that instead of trying to accommodate your needs and wants. Like I said, even if she did stop talking to him that would be a temporary solution at best and then one of you or the other will just go back to resenting something other has done or isn't doing. The core of your relationship needs a good over-haul. Councelling will help you with that. If you just leave, then this same thing will eventually happen with the next girl you get with (or the next guy she gets with) because neither of you have any conflict resolution skills to speak of (going by what you've shared so far).

 

Another suggestion: Stop assuming things, stop frequenting this forum for the time being until you've figured out some truths, not speculation ~ because all you're getting here from ALL of us is speculation, mostly people telling you what you want to hear instead of solutions to help remedy yours and her inability to communicate and make things better between the two of you.

 

Focus on one another and ways to fix this or just give up on the relationship but STOP speculating and placing blame. It takes two to make a relationship work and two to make it fall apart. Right now you're both working on the latter and have totally forgotten about making anything meaningful and co-respectful or loving.

 

At the very least take a gander at this link. It might help you to communicate what you're actually wanting and needing and are willing to provide if you continue on in this union.

 

link removed

[Unreasonable]

Okay, let's just pretend that the other guy is out of the picture for a second. She told someone (doesn't matter who) she has no intentions of marrying the OP. This is a FACT, is it not? That is a legitimate reason, in and of itself, to end a relationship if getting married is what the OP wants in the future. Child or not. The OP had the child with her when marriage was on the table. That is no longer the case. Unfortunate, but water under the bridge.

 

The fact that she told this to an old flame who is wooing her is just insult to injury, and not, imho, the real crux of the issue.

 

Counselling cannot MAKE someone want to get married if they don't want to. I'd be more concerned that she would feel forced into a marriage, which could very well end in divorce and cause an already messier situation to get even messier.

[ThatwasThen]

No she didn't tell him "she had no intentions of marrying the Op" What she said is that (at this point) she'd be silly to marry him" which is pretty much spot on if they are having problems in general.

 

Has he ever actually asked her to marry him? He didn't answer that question.

 

Your advise that councelling cannont make someone want to marry if it doesn't iron out what is fundamentally wrong, is reasonable However: It can facilitate fixing what is wrong and then the want would follow.

[Unreasonable]

"She'd be silly to marry him" and "she has no intentions of marrying him" are virtually synonymous. I consider the former to have an insulting edge actually.

 

Has he ever actually asked her to marry him? He didn't answer that question.

 

Whether he popped the question or not is irrelevant if they had both talked about marriage and neither ruled it out before they had the child.

 

I'm not saying they shouldn't go to counselling, but she did something, very, very damaging, and the OP has every reason to question her motives (even assuming the ex was not part of the equation), regardless if she tells him what he wants to hear. Obviously the OP leaving is going to cause discomfort which most people try to avoid.

[ThatwasThen]

"She'd be silly to marry him" and "she has no intentions of marrying him" are virtually synonymous. I consider the former to have an insulting edge actually.

I don't agree. They can mean very different things. Particularily if at one point she did want him to marry her and now their troubles have excalated to the point that she thinks if would be silly. That doesn't mean that things can't be turned around with some proper guidance. Perhaps it's too late, who knows but I see lots of speculation and outright mis-understanding about certain things that the op has presented to us.

 

 

 

Whether he popped the question or not is irrelevant if they had both talked about marriage and neither ruled it out before they had the child.

I challenge you to get a majority vote on that assertion. It's nice to be asked to be someone's wife without having to force the issue.

 

I'm not saying they shouldn't go to counselling, but she did something, very, very damaging, and the OP has every reason to question her motives (even assuming the ex was not part of the equation), regardless if she tells him what he wants to hear. Obviously the OP leaving is going to cause discomfort which most people try to avoid.

and I'm saying they both have done damaging things to one another and that is why this has ended up the mess it is.

 

OP: Did you actually ask her to marry you and she turned you down? You say she was wanting to marry you but told him she wouldn't and now you think she was just lying to you about wanting to marry you. Have you considered at all that she did want to marry you when you were discussing it but since you never did marry her (or perhaps never asked her to marry you that now she's telling the ex that at this point she'd me silly to marry you since your troubles are so prominant?

 

Here's another question for you to avoid: How long before she said that to her ex did you talk about marriage?

[Blue nose]

Here is the outline of the conversation with her ex.

Ex: "Are you still with your sons dad?"

GF: "Yes"

Ex: "So are you planning to get married?"

GF: "I'm not that silly" You see I'm not a bad girl(wink)

Ex: "Lol"

 

How would you feel if that was you?

[ThatwasThen]

im not saying you dont have a reason to be upset. Im wanting to know what has gone on in your union generally. You avoid every question that would clarify timelines and reasons for certain behaviors.

 

What does "im not a bad girl" have to do with not having married u yet?

 

Have you ever asked her to marry you or did you give rrasons why you shouldn't?

[Blue nose]

We both have talked about marriage and even a couple of months prior to the ex appearing again. But I've said to her time and time again that I can't marry if you still got this old baggage hang about.

 

She did tell him though a couple years back that she was happy with me but she regretted that she moved on to quickly from him to me and that he never invited back to his place for her to visit it was he going to hers. And he did n’t show her the same commitment. Now he reappears and he is changed man!