Facing an ultimatum - agree to a 3rd child or divorce. Need advice.

[dulce1969]

My wife and I have 2 girls. One my wife gave birth to and the other was adopted from China. They are 11 and 8. My wife had been telling me that she wanted to adopt another child from China, and I kept saying no. I asked her not to bring it up in front of our children, but she did it anyways. Eventually this led to a very stressful household which resulted in a lot of arguing and yelling in front of the children. It was making me miserable. My wife insinuated that we would separate over this issue if I did not give in. One night, she stormed out of the house to go for a drive and upset our oldest daughter very much. So I decided to give in because I was sick of fighting. (My mistake). Now we are a few months away from going to China, and I have been feeling a lot of anger and resentment for my wife. I told her that I did not want to go through with the adoption, and she said that it was too late. To make matters worse, there is a woman at work that I have a connection with and a strong attraction as well. I felt that my wife and I would probably be separating soon, so I told the woman at work how I felt and she confessed that she had feelings for me too. (Yes I'm an idiot). Anyhow, my wife and I were talking about our problems and she asked me if there was another woman. I try to be an honest person so I admitted that there was someone else I was interested in, but that all we had done was talk. We then had a frank discussion about our feelings and she forgave me for talking to another woman and finally realized how much I really dont want to do this adoption. Now she has made an ultimatum - go along with the adoption or we will divorce. She has also said that she will move away and I don't know how often I would get to see the kids. I should say that our marriage has not been terrible. If this issue had not come up I would not be thinking about leaving. We have talked about going to counseling, but at this point I don't see a solution that will please both of us. And I don't want to make things horrible for my daughters. I am trying to be objective here but its not easy. Any advice on what to do would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Catherine_3]

What are your reasons for not wanting to adopt another child? What are her reasons for wanting to adopt?

 

At face value, your wife seems completely psychotic, irrational and wicked. But before jumping to that conclusion, I want to be sure I'm getting the full story. Most people aren't that horrible so are we missing something here?

[Kendahke]

Dude, leave the side piece at work alone until you've figured out what you're going to do about your marriage and family.

 

If you didn't want a third child, then you should have stuck to that and not wavered. Giving in to "idiot actions" has not helped your cause one bit.

 

Your lawyer can get a judge to bar her from taking the children out of the state, so if I was you, I'd be on the phone to one so that she can't just take your children away out of spite. Your wife is going to make things horrible for your children or horrible for you. It's beyond effed up that she is so selfish that she would do this kind of harm to the children she does have over a child she doesn't have.

 

If your wife is to the point where she's blackmailing you with your children, then the time for therapy is past and the time for lawyering is here.

[Seraphim]

Well ,she doesn't get to decide whether she takes off with the kids or decides how much time you get a court decides that. And some countries won't allow you to adopt if you're not married so just tell her fine divorce is ok too . She is being manipulative. If you do decide you don't want to be together anymore make sure you get a lawyer and settle everything from your financial affairs to custody of your kids.

[dulce1969]

Dude, leave the side piece at work alone until you've figured out what you're going to do about your marriage and family.

 

Yeah this was pretty embarrassing. No excuse, but I was under a lot of stress and not thinking clearly. I have told the other woman that I am trying to work things out with my wife. The other woman has been through a divorce with 2 kids before and she suggested that my wife and I get counseling and try to work things out.

[Moontiger]

I would put a hold on bringing another child into the home until you and your wife work your issues out. I would tell her, point blank that you will NOT adopt another child until she agrees to go to couples therapy and the two of your are able to get into a good, healthy, place in your relationship.

 

You will end up resenting this child. Don't do that.

[GinNJuice]

You should probably leave your wife. She sounds very controlling. Whether you leave her or not, you should call her bluff. I doubt very seriously she will leave you over this, and if she does, then good, you'll be happier without such a controlling psycho running your life. Next time she brings it up, tell her to file for divorce, and see what she says. She won't do it. She will flip it on you and say you want to break up with her and start crying. Tell her there is no way you are adopting another child, and she can do so on her own if she'd like to divorce you. She'll fold.

[ParisPaulette]

I vote for counseling, tell your wife nothing is happening until she agrees to marriage counseling. And maybe you should contact the adoption agency yourself rather than leave it up to her and give them a heads up about the fact you and your wife are having serious marriage problems and the adoption is on hold until it all gets sorted out. And you do it, not the wife who frankly is being really irrational right now. Since it's an adoption for the two of you, you do have just as much power and say-so as she does. Any ethical adoption agency will not want a child going into such an unstable environment.

 

I think you should also go see a divorce attorney right now and find out what your rights might be should she choose to divorce you and try to adopt anyways, either during or after the divorce is final. If that happens you need to protect yourself, so that you have no financial responsibility to the adopted child. Don't get me wrong, I am the world's biggest proponents of child support, but I don't think you should end up paying for a third child that is brought into the household after you are leaving it. So get that sorted now, it may well be you have to point out to the wife that if she divorces and chooses to adopt anyways the entire cost of that child will be on her. But consult the attorney on all of that since I'm not legally trained and am not sure how that would work. It's just what I'd be worried about if it was me going through this.

 

You've done the right thing in telling the woman at work you need to work things out. Please realize that interest is likely being fueled in part by the turmoil in your marriage and that isn't a basis for starting a relationship, ever. So handle this, get free and clear and if you do indeed divorce give yourself a good solid six months or more before you even go near this other woman. Sorry, but that can also come back and bite you in the neck in court, so stay clear. Things are tough enough right now.

 

Also if I may ask why is the wife so set on an adoption, to the point of threatening divorce? It just seems really extreme and not rational at all since yeah, then she'll be raising three kids, not two. And the courts will decide what happens, not your wife, anyways. I'm sorry you're going through this, but right now the last thing that any child needs is to be adopted into your household and you need to drive this point home to your wife via counseling and if that won't work, the courts and attorneys.

[Snny]

Does she have some sort of whacky Asian fetish? Why adopt another child from a particular country when there are so many unwanted children elsewhere?

 

I'd follow the above advice given. Stick to your guns.

[shelty24]

Having an affair or leaving her for someone else is NOT a solution here. Its a horrible, nasty, selfish way to end a marriage and one way to push your kids away from you so STOP it now!

 

Grow up-either fix your marriage or leave. Stay away from other women until you are 100% sure your marriage is over for good with no chance of going back

 

You could separate and then realize it was a mistake. If there is a third party stuck in the middle-there is no going back from that

[catfeeder]

You need your career now more than ever, so I'd stop leading on the woman at work or your rep will harm your chances of keeping it.

 

There's no way I'd bring another child into the household--the two you've got are already suffering. You owe it to them to either go into counseling with an open mind or walk away from the marriage.

 

Above all else, seek legal advice to learn how not to victimize yourself by falling for wife's threats. Learn about legal separation and which protections your state offers you if you file for that.

 

You're operating blindly, and no offense, but stupidly. Legal advice could be the best money you've ever spent. It will give you foundational knowledge to stand on for further decision making.

 

Head high.