QueenofHeartz Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Why is my ex (of two years) scared to tell me the flat-out truth? Why is he so stuck on being dishonest & filling my head with continuous lies? He broke up with me in June. Here it is October, so we've been broken up for almost 5 months. Since the breakup, we have talked & still talk on a day-to-day basis (either over the phone or through text). We also still see each other & still even have sex. I got word of him being seen with this one chick (at her house) on more than one occasion. The person who gave me this news told me that he's seen him (my ex) at this broad's house a couple of times. I then went to confront my ex. He said he has no interest in her-- said "I'm not talking to her." If he didn't have the slightest bit of interest in her, why would he even be going to her house to see her? She is 38. He is 30. I checked a couple of her Facebook pictures out & she is pretty attractive. They sure as hell can't just be hanging out or can they? They are Facebook friends, too. I think she was recently added to his friends list, but not sure. He made a couple weeks about (through text) stating that he was "talking to a 30s-something year old woman who was beautiful, with a beautiful personality." Wonder if this is the woman he was talking about. We were fighting like cats & dogs that night, hence the reason for the text. I still wish I had that text (god do I wish), but I deleted it. I don't know if he was just making that up, but after getting the news of him being seen with another girl (& with this one chick being in her 30's), I put two and two together & things slowly started to make sense. I have asked my ex time & time again, "Are you seeing someone else?" or "Is there someone else?" His answer has always been "No. I'm not seeing anyone." Just as with "Are you f***ing someone else? Are you having sex with other people?" His answer is always "I'm NOT f***ing anyone!" ...... Yeah, like he would tell me if he was. There's no way I'm the ONLY one he's been physically intimate with since May 10th. And why just have sex with ONLY me if he is the dumper & I'm the dumpee? All yesterday I ignored his calls & he sends me a text that threw me off-- that really got my attention: "Ok i get it guess we are not talking anymore and you were not adult to tell me so dont be mad when you hear im dating someone new its your fault" I brought this text up to him & he claimed "I'm not seeing anyone." The girl whose house he's been going to came to mind (right away) when he sent me that text. I wish I knew the truth. My gut feeling/intitution tells me that there is someone else... that someone new has entered his life & is in the picture. If he is infact seeing/dating someone new, then why LIE about it? Why can't he just be straight-up with me? What's there to be scared about? What's there to be scared of? I don't get it. Is it because he is scared of losing me if he tells me he is? I just wish he would be honest with me. He is not bad-looking, he is very attractive. He can pull girls. I'm just scared to lose him to someone else. Link to comment
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 If you know he's lying, why do you care? Cut him out of your life, and move on. It sounds like you are still holding onto him, that's why you are so hurt he is lying. You need to cut contact and move on. Link to comment
QWit Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 He is seeing someone else.. You set yourself up for a FWB situation when you continued to communicate with him and have sex with him without being official again.. He lied about it because he is probably a jerk and wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Even though you may have thought you were back together, in his mind, he probably didn't think the same.. You should probably go ahead and cut contact with him.. Link to comment
JJ2980 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 You're scared to lose him to someone else? U did lose him. He's not with you anymore. And eventually he's going to move on whether that be today, tomorrow, next week..... Link to comment
Furbys Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Scared to lose him to someone else? Are you hoping that your FWB situation will result in you two getting back into your relationship? You two are over, he gets sex off you and he can date who he wants. I suggest you start dating as i doubt he will ever come back. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 The very fact that you chose to post this in the Getting Back Together forum speaks volumes. You really need to stop seeing him, make peace with the fact that the relationship is over, and start to move on and heal. Link to comment
Kendahke Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I think the main operative word in all of this is "ex". He doesn't have to run his life past you--just because you talk to him and allow him to have sex with you, he's not with you anymore; therefore he's not obligated to tell you how or who he spends his time. That's just a sad fact of breaking up: you no longer have a right to know about their lives. What you can do is not place your person in close proximity to them if them seeing someone else would bother you this much. I think that you need to square in your mind that he's seeing this woman and he's not going to get into the particulars of it with you. If you want to continue talking to him and having sex with him, then do it knowing this. If you can't tolerate it, then it's over already except for the ending contact. It would probably be a good idea for you to stop being in contact with him. Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 He's either guilt ridden, or doesn't want to hurt you, but neither reasons are positive. I'd say he is seeing someone or at the very least likes this woman, and its true its none of your business. He's holding on to you, but not for the same reasons as you are. You said your intuition tells you he's seeing someone. I would trust that. For me, my intuition has never been wrong. Even those times I refused to listen to it. Those times just set you up for more pain. I'm not an advocate of NC myself because I cannot handle it, (although im going on three months nc it is doing me no good, contact would be just the same) but in your case I would suggest you consider it. Nothing worse than 'hanging out with your ex' and constantly analyzing their every move. You tried and he hasn't come back. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 This is why we can NOT be 'friends' with our ex's. YOU need to leave all of this alone as YOU are no longer involved with him anymore.. right? I know how hard it is to leave this alone, but you do need to realize he doesn't owe you any response anymore. Time to end eVERYTHING and go on your own and leave him be. Let him take time out away from you and see what life is like without you now. IF he misses you enough and does want to have you back- he'll let you know. BUT- until anything more.. you MUST leave him alone. No more contact.. no more talks...fights...nothing. Work on YOU now. Deal with the break up. All of those emotions, which will take some time. Link to comment
iamstrong Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I had a similar situation where a whacker was shagging at least two other women and was lying about it. He said he wanted to stay close to me. I also caught him in the lie and he tried to deny it. No respectful chap would lie about seeing a couple of different women. It is disrespectful. Link to comment
iam42 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 he is lying to you so that he can keep sleeping with you. whether ex or not, people actually are supposed to disclose honestly their non-monogamy, especially when asked directly. this also goes for dating, fwb, polyamory - which are all non-exclusive sexual arrangements. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Why? Simple. So he can keep having sex with you while he shops for someone else. You're asking someone who is playing both sides down the middle to be honest about that? Not going to happen. By definition, his behavior is deceptive, so why would he not speak deceptively also? He's consistent. You get to decide why you're still hanging around this guy and sleeping with him. He's not going to feed you any info to decide against giving him an easy time. Link to comment
QueenofHeartz Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 He is seeing someone else.. You set yourself up for a FWB situation when you continued to communicate with him and have sex with him without being official again.. He lied about it because he is probably a jerk and wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Even though you may have thought you were back together, in his mind, he probably didn't think the same.. You should probably go ahead and cut contact with him.. What makes you certain that there is someone else in the picture? That he's seeing someone? God,I hope you're wrong. You just may be right tho'. It hurts like hell even imagining him with someone else. The thought of him making out with another girl,fondling her,being up inside her -- having any physical contact with someone other than ME, makes me feel weak,unappreciative, unwanted. The pain I feel is unbearable. All I need is proof/solid evidence that what I've been fearing, infact, is REALLY happening. Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 What makes you certain that there is someone else in the picture? That he's seeing someone? God, I hope you're wrong. You just may be right tho'. It hurts like hell even imagining him with someone else. The thought of him making out with another girl, fondling her, being up inside her -- having any physical contact with someone other than ME, makes me feel weak, unappreciative, unwanted. The pain I feel is unbearable. All I need is proof/solid evidence that what I've been fearing, infact, is REALLY happening. You're talking like you're in a relationship with him. You're not. He's not cheating on you. He can see as many women as he pleases and have no obligation to tell you about it. And you are being weak. You're being his little FWB so that he can have someone to fall back on until he meets someone he really likes. Link to comment
QueenofHeartz Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 You're talking like you're in a relationship with him. You're not. He's not cheating on you. He can see as many women as he pleases and have no obligation to tell you about it. And you are being weak. You're being his little FWB so that he can have someone to fall back on until he meets someone he really likes. You're absolutely right. The reason for me acting like we're still in a relationship (still together) or that he's taken me back is because I'm in DENIAL. I want so bad to believe that I still stand a chance. It hurts so bad. I live in this little fantasy world, pretending that everything's okay, when things aren't. I don't know no other way to cope. If he is seeing someone ("dating someone new"), I will be devastated, for I want him to myself. It's selfish, I know, but I am in love with him. I can't help what I feel or how I feel about him. It's almost sickening. Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 You're absolutely right. The reason for me acting like we're still in a relationship (still together) or that he's taken me back is because I'm in DENIAL. I want so bad to believe that I still stand a chance. It hurts so bad. I live in this little fantasy world, pretending that everything's okay, when things aren't. I don't know no other way to cope. If he is seeing someone ("dating someone new"), I will be devastated, for I want him to myself. It's selfish, I know, but I am in love with him. I can't help what I feel or how I feel about him. It's almost sickening. You can take your dignity back right now. Cut things off with him. He will respect you much more if you respect yourself. Link to comment
QueenofHeartz Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 If he is continuing to hook up with me, that's a good thing, right? He still comes to see me. We still talk everyday, yet we have been fighting more than usual here lately. He has also become very distant, ignoring a lot of my calls & texts. Maybe it's because he is busy with her. I don't know for sure if there is another woman involved, but just from the news I received & because of the signs he's been displaying, it's pretty obvious he is. My heart tells me to leave him alone & to cut off contact altogether, but it's hard. I am confused. I do not know what to do at this point. I know if I break all contact with him, I won't be seeing him anymore & that's something I really don't want. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 No, he's using you for sex. That's NOT a good thing. Never let a man use you like that, ever. You're worth more, you're worth caring about. YOU are sleeping with him because you're still in love with him. HE is sleeping with you because it's easy no-strings sex. Two completely different realities. The more you try to pressure him to act as if you're a couple, the more distant he'll become. It's hard but true: he's not the one for you. He's using you for sex, and no man who cares about you would treat you that way. Please read this guide, it will help you see what you need to do next: link removed Link to comment
QueenofHeartz Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 If he is, infact, seeing this woman (or any woman, for that matter), then I feel sorry for her because he is PLAYING us both. She (I'm sure) doesn't have a clue about me. She doesn't know that he continues to engage in sex with me. He is probably (more than likely) having sex with HER, too. It's selfish of my ex to display this kind of behavior. Maybe he feels guilty about sleeping with me because sometimes when we do hook up, he avoids eye contact. Maybe he doesn't want to look me in the eye because he is thinking about her during these sessions & feels he's doing her wrong. Either way, he is doing US both wrong. Why keep me around? Am I the sideline (chick) here? Is he keeping me on the backburner? If so, for what? Here it is almost 5 months later & we're STILL not back together. Is it too late? Have I lost him for good? If I start NC, will it bring him back? Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Sweetie -- he broke up with you five months ago! Yes. It's over, he's gone. He left FIVE MONTHS AGO. That's all you need to know. Who he sees and what he does.... has nothing to do with you. You're just an ex-girlfriend, the romantic relationship between you is OVER. People here have told you again and again: he's keeping you around FOR THE SEX. That's his motivation. Not love. Not as a backup. WHY does he keep you around? Because you'll have sex with him, that's why!!! Link to comment
QueenofHeartz Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 That hurts to hear. I guess we will never be back together. Guess I don't even stand a chance. I kinda wish I was his backup plan just incase it doesn't work out with this girl. To hear the truth hurts, as the truth hurts. I feel helpless, unworthy, and feel as I can't go on without him. This pain I feel is unbearable. I don't know if I will ever get over him. I know I sound pretty pathetic right about now. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 This is also true: You WILL get over him. You WILL stop hurting and thinking of him all the time. You WILL find someone you love even more, who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. These things are 100% guaranteed to happen.... they just take time. To get started, you need to stop seeing him and cut off all contact so you can start to HEAL. That's the first step -- healing and protecting yourself from any fresh new incoming pain. The pain you feel now WILL go away in time.... but the pain you feel from being with him will continue to hurt you until you stop seeing him (or he ends things first.) Read this guide, it will help you: link removed Keep posting! Everyone here is rooting for you and ready to listen and support you as much as you want. Link to comment
QueenofHeartz Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Thank you for your kind words. Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I kinda wish I was his backup plan just incase it doesn't work out with this girl. No! You put that thought out of your head right now! You do not want that, because if you're the back-up plan, you're second choice -- and you'll be the second choice/fall back position forever. You deserve to be someone's FIRST choice. If this guy doesn't think you should be his first choice, then he's not good enough for you. What everyone else has said about him sticking around only for the sex. I know it hurts, but it's going to hurt more the longer you stay in this situation. Cut him off, take some time for yourself to heal and one day you'll want another relationship, it's just going to take some time to get over this. But the longer you stay stuck in this place, the longer it's going to take and the more it's going to hurt. Link to comment
QueenofHeartz Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I honestly regret ever meeting him. He has made my life a living hell. I feel lonely now more than ever. And he doesn't even care. I am depressed and full of rage. He treats me like sh*t, yet I continue to f*ck with him (excuse my language). I want to get out of this dark hole I'm in. I wish he had never broken up with me & we were still together. My life just isn't the same. I sleep all day due to depression. This guy has put me through hell, yet I am crazy about him. I need some serious help. This is no way to live. My life revolves around him. Link to comment
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