If You Are Seeing Someone Else/Dating Someone New, Why Lie About It?

[Shane Falco]

I sent my ex a text today saying:

 

"Do you still have feelings for me?"

 

He texted back:

 

"Yes"

 

I then texted him again & said:

 

"Do you honestly mean that? With all your heart?"

 

He replied with:

 

"Yes i do"

 

So, that's a start. I have seen him everyday this week except Thursday. I saw him today. Could have had "the talk" with him, but didn't. (I would rather wait.)

 

You're asking the wrong questions.

[Tanzi]

The thing is when you ask someone direct questions that are NOT going to be easy to answer you are backing them into a corner and you aren't always going to get the truth. It is much easier to answer "yes" than "no" because "yes" covers an array of possibilities and doesn't entail an emotional melt down. "Yes" means that he may still think fondly of you but it doesn't necessarily mean he is still in love with you and want to get back with you. It could just mean he likes having sex with you still.

 

Remember - actions speak louder than words.

 

May I ask, for what reason did you see him?

[QueenofHeartz]

a-little-blue, I LOVE everything you said. Thank you.

[QueenofHeartz]

You're asking the wrong questions.

 

Then what questions do I ask besides "Are we back together?" Should I have this "talk" with him face-to-face & in person or over the phone? I've kinda wanted to ask him through text. I feel asking him & talking to him about this in person will be too painful.

[QueenofHeartz]

The thing is when you ask someone direct questions that are NOT going to be easy to answer you are backing them into a corner and you aren't always going to get the truth. It is much easier to answer "yes" than "no" because "yes" covers an array of possibilities and doesn't entail an emotional melt down. "Yes" means that he may still think fondly of you but it doesn't necessarily mean he is still in love with you and want to get back with you. It could just mean he likes having sex with you still.

 

Remember - actions speak louder than words.

 

May I ask, for what reason did you see him?

 

For what reason do I continue to see him, you mean? For what reason do I continue to let him into my house & inside my home (whenever he comes to see me?) I'm not sure what you're asking. If you're asking what I think you're asking, it's because I LOVE him. I enjoy seeing his face, being around him. When he comes to visit, it makes my day.

 

You stated earlier "Because if he is seeing someone else, it isn't serious and because you allow it." IF he is seeing this woman (or any woman, at that), what makes you think he isn't serious about her? What makes you think it's not serious? He may REALLY like her.

[Shane Falco]

Then what questions do I ask besides "Are we back together?" Should I have this "talk" with him face-to-face & in person or over the phone? I've kinda wanted to ask him through text. I feel asking him & talking to him about this in person will be too painful.

 

Well, it will be painful because you know the answer is no. Honestly, you shouldn't be doing anything with this man, but you are so far down the rabbit hole that you don't get that. But yes, if you were to talk to him you need to ask him if he wants to get back together right now. If he says anything besides "Yes I do", then you need to cut off all contact immediately. He'd probably say that he's not ready right now but maybe in the future just to string you along. That's not good enough. It has to be right here, right now or you have to stop communicating with them.

 

I'd prefer you stop talking to him on your own without a conversation, but you don't have the strength to do that as evidenced by the fact that you've lowered yourself to FWB status.

[Tanzi]

For what reason do I continue to see him, you mean? For what reason do I continue to let him into my house & inside my home (whenever he comes to see me?) I'm not sure what you're asking. If you're asking what I think you're asking, it's because I LOVE him. I enjoy seeing his face, being around him. When he comes to visit, it makes my day.

 

You stated earlier "Because if he is seeing someone else, it isn't serious and because you allow it." IF he is seeing this woman (or any woman, at that), what makes you think he isn't serious about her? What makes you think it's not serious? He may REALLY like her.

 

Well, you said you had seen him every day that week so I was just wondering in what capacity (as in were they chance meet ups or arranged meet ups?)

 

I love my ex too (at least I think I still do - I'm not so sure now, its been a while since we've been together) but I don't want to see him or have any contact with him - for my own sake. I'm too scared of the consequences if I'm honest. That being said, I did meet up with him a while back - on 3 occassons at his request - but I found it so unnerving that I had to put a stop to it and it was at that time I also told him that he had to stop contacting me too. He has respected my wishes so far and it has been 5 weeks since I last heard from. Seeing him, being aware of his existence, creating fresh memories made it so much harder to keep on moving forwards and, in fact, set me back some. By staying in contact and, in your case, going through the motions of being in a relationship, you aren't able to accept that the break-up is even real let alone move on from it. This is what I meant by "helping yourself". Your reaction is "I see him because I love him DUH!" but the fact of the matter is you aren't in a relationship with him so he isn't loving you back. Continuing on this path of unrequited love and playing at being in a relationship with him won't allow you to even come to terms with the fact the relationship has ended.

 

You still feel connected because you are still connecting - but it isn't the connection you want. To help yourself (and maybe even the situation) you have to disconnect yourself from him. Getting over him and moving on from this pain is in your own hands.

 

The reason I said I didn't think it was serious was because, surely if it were, he wouldn't be having sex with you too. I'm not saying that he isn't in a relationship with someone or even just have an arrangement with someone going on but if it were serious, surely he wouldn't want to have sex with anyone else. The same could be said if he wanted to be in a seriously relationship with you or had any real love for you too, of course.

[QueenofHeartz]

Well, it will be painful because you know the answer is no. Honestly, you shouldn't be doing anything with this man, but you are so far down the rabbit hole that you don't get that. But yes, if you were to talk to him you need to ask him if he wants to get back together right now. If he says anything besides "Yes I do", then you need to cut off all contact immediately. He'd probably say that he's not ready right now but maybe in the future just to string you along. That's not good enough. It has to be right here, right now or you have to stop communicating with them.

 

I'd prefer you stop talking to him on your own without a conversation, but you don't have the strength to do that as evidenced by the fact that you've lowered yourself to FWB status.

 

 

I dread having this "talk" with him, as I fear it will lead to even more disappointment. My heart aches day in & day out. I don't know how much more I can take. We talk everyday, but it's just not the same. I am severely depressed. Perhaps I should start taking my anti-depressants... maybe that will help. I am prescribed to Effexor & the pill bottles just sit there (in my bedroom). (I have suffered from depression all my life.) My heart knows what to do (& that is to cut off all contact), but I'm stubborn & hardheaded. I fear of being alone, although I'm lonely already. Please pray for me.

[sharky988]

You don't need prayers. You need some discipline and self-control, that's all.

 

To complain of depression yet NOT take your prescribed anti-depressant medication is like cutting your hand off with an axe and posting on this forum complaining because your arm hurts.

 

To continue to have sex with an ex 5 months after a breakup -- and complain that this causes you pain -- is doing the same.

 

You're not a passive victim of life. At this point, you're an active participant in creating and prolonging your pain.

[Shane Falco]

I dread having this "talk" with him, as I fear it will lead to even more disappointment. My heart aches day in & day out. I don't know how much more I can take. We talk everyday, but it's just not the same. I am severely depressed. Perhaps I should start taking my anti-depressants... maybe that will help. I am prescribed to Effexor & the pill bottles just sit there (in my bedroom). (I have suffered from depression all my life.) My heart knows what to do (& that is to cut off all contact), but I'm stubborn & hardheaded. I fear of being alone, although I'm lonely already. Please pray for me.

 

Prayers aren't going to do anything if you don't take the steps to make things better for you. You can't depend on divine intervention -- only you alone can make this situation better. And the only way to do this is to remove yourself from it. Contact is destroying you -- you have to break free.

[QueenofHeartz]

My ex & I got into an argument over the phone last night. He stated:

 

"I don't wanna be with you anymore."

 

&

 

"I wanna go to bed, but I can't cuz I have a crazy girlfriend." (

 

 

I haven't had the "talk" with him yet. When he says stuff like this, he is leading me to think we're possibly still together, although I know we ain't. I know what you guys are probably thinking: YOU ARE SO FAR GONE, IT'S NOT FUNNY. WAKE UP & REALIZE THAT IT'S OVER & THAT HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

[iam42]

it seems that you make each other quite unhappy. a lot of people are okay with making others upset, distressed, anxious or angry because it shows some kind of emotional engagement. it seems that you are very much in your head about what you want from this relationship - and unable to hear him or the internet strangers youve consulted for guidance. no one knows if he will come back, but I can tell you that hearing him, becoming self-focused and strengthening your self esteem will increase your chances significantly. try leaving him alone for a bit.

[Tanzi]

My ex & I got into an argument over the phone last night. He stated:

 

"I don't wanna be with you anymore."

 

&

 

"I wanna go to bed, but I can't cuz I have a crazy girlfriend." (

 

 

I haven't had the "talk" with him yet. When he says stuff like this, he is leading me to think we're possibly still together, although I know we ain't. I know what you guys are probably thinking: YOU ARE SO FAR GONE, IT'S NOT FUNNY. WAKE UP & REALIZE THAT IT'S OVER & THAT HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

 

From everything you have said I can't see that there is any indication that you are together other than for sex. The situation you are in is no more than FWBs and that is what he is telling you he doesn't want anymore because the downside to this is that there is whole lot of emotional drama attached to it.

 

You know you aren't together in any REAL capacity but you are still staying connected through the sex and this is where all the confusion and slip-ups occur.

 

It doesn't sound to me as if he wants the "talk". He just wants things to stay as they are without the drama (ie. no strings attached sex).

 

I am wondering if whether having the "talk" will actually help you wake up. Would it make a difference though or will you continue to have sex with him?

 

There is another way to do this ... you tell him outright that you can't have sex without the commitment anymore and you don't think you should remain in contact anymore either because it is continuously hurting you and holding you back. If he really doesn't want to lose you then that would give him a kick up the butt. However, if he accepts what you say then that should tell you all you need to know as to where you really stand in his life ... and hopefully finally help you to accept things one way or another.

[catfeeder]

I hope you'll grow bored of this sometime soon.

[sharky988]

When he says stuff like this, he is leading me to think we're possibly still together, although I know we ain't. I know what you guys are probably thinking: YOU ARE SO FAR GONE, IT'S NOT FUNNY. WAKE UP & REALIZE THAT IT'S OVER & THAT HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

 

Yes, exactly. But as long as you don't ask him what your status is, and continue to have sex with him, this situation will go on and on.

 

Best of luck with it!

[Tanzi]

Maybe you should take a look at this current thread. It may help you realise that what your ex is doing is typical ex behaviour and it doesn't mean anything other prolonged misery and pain for you. It is better for you to cut all contact now before you find yourself replaced by a new girlfriend which will hurt you even more than you are hurting now.

 

 

[Shane Falco]

My ex & I got into an argument over the phone last night. He stated:

 

"I don't wanna be with you anymore."

 

&

 

"I wanna go to bed, but I can't cuz I have a crazy girlfriend." (

 

 

I haven't had the "talk" with him yet. When he says stuff like this, he is leading me to think we're possibly still together, although I know we ain't. I know what you guys are probably thinking: YOU ARE SO FAR GONE, IT'S NOT FUNNY. WAKE UP & REALIZE THAT IT'S OVER & THAT HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

 

There's nothing positive that can be taken from those comments.

[t1lersm0m1]

I really think you are addicted to the toxicity and you can't live without it. Why else are you staying in this "arrangement"? It's not a relationship, it's you being used for sex.

[QueenofHeartz]

While everyone is saying that he's using me for sex, my main concern is whether or not he's seeing someone. I hope he isn't..... like he would tell me the truth. I think I have the right to know. If I broke up up with my ex & was seeing other people (i.e. dating, "talking" to), I think I would let him know. I don't know for sure if he's seeing someone else, but deserve the truth if he is. Feel me? (Sigh.)

[Tanzi]

When you break up with someone, it is inevitable that both parties will eventually move on. Your lives become separate and neither of you owe it to the other to explain your every move. That said if he IS having sex with you and someone else then he should be honest with you. However the fact that you are allowing him to have sex with you when you know there is a chance he is having sex with someone else IS something you should be concerned about for a number of reasons.

 

The fact that he is an ex yet you are still having sex with him is why both your boundaries and expectations are messed up.

 

After a relationship ends it is better to make a completely clean break. No messed up boundaries. No expectations. No prolonged pain. Simple.

[Tanzi]

Bottom line is he is an ex and he thinks that he can do what he wants without having to tell you. Whether that is right or wrong is beside the point. If you're going to continue to sleep with an ex then it is never going to run smoothly and you can't blame anyone else other than yourself. You have other expectations, he doesn't.

[catfeeder]

Feel me? (Sigh.)

 

No. You're doing circular illogic. Users by definition are not honest people. Expecting honesty while allowing someone to use you doesn't make any sense.

[greywolf]

While everyone is saying that he's using me for sex, my main concern is whether or not he's seeing someone. I hope he isn't..... like he would tell me the truth. I think I have the right to know. If I broke up up with my ex & was seeing other people (i.e. dating, "talking" to), I think I would let him know. I don't know for sure if he's seeing someone else, but deserve the truth if he is. Feel me? (Sigh.)

 

He may or may not be seeing someone else. But he eventually will. He has no obligation to you at this point.

[QueenofHeartz]

Here's a question I would like for all you to answer.

 

My ex supposedly passed my number off to another dude (someone he knows). The guy called me & I asked "How did you get my #?" He told me my ex had given it to him. I then starting asking him questions. He was able to tell me the color of the moped my ex drives & was even able to tell me what my ex looks like. He said that him & my ex had talked/met in person a couple of times. I called my ex & confronted him about this & he denied the whole thing, saying that he didn't know who this guy was & that he never gave my number to him. I even initiated a threeway (phone) call, with the three of us on the phone. (My ex wanted this done.) "Dude, how do you know me? Blah, blah, blah." was said by my ex to this guy. The guy on the phone could not answer that question, yet he was able to tell me exactly what my ex looks like & what he drives (a moped, that is, but this was before the threeway call was placed). This all has left me very suspicious.

 

If infact my ex passed my number off to another guy (whether it be a buddy of his), my question is:

 

WHY WOULD HE DO THIS? WHAT DOES HE EXPECT TO GAIN OUT OF THIS? My ex knows I still have strong feelings for him & that I'm still in love with him, so why would he pull this stunt? He denies doing this, but I don't believe him. The guy whom called me was even able to tell me his last name-- knew his last name. Now, HOW would he know this?

[catfeeder]

WHY WOULD HE DO THIS? WHAT DOES HE EXPECT TO GAIN OUT OF THIS?

 

Either he wants you to get involved with someone else so you'll back off of him, OR, he's pimping you out.

 

Either way, I hope this clarifies why sticking around this guy will wreck your life.

 

Maybe TODAY you'll begin to respect yourself.