If You Are Seeing Someone Else/Dating Someone New, Why Lie About It?

[QueenofHeartz]

If I do decide to do NC (which won't be anytime soon), what do I do when he contacts me? When he starts blowing up my phone with texts & phone calls? He also has a habit of popping up-- of showing up at my front door. What do I do when he shows up at my house? How do I ignore that? How do I avoid that? He's gonna demand an answer as to why I'm ignoring him. I hate that things have to be so complicated. I know I deserve better & I appreciate everyone's feedback, thank you. I wish I was strong & could just walk away from this situation, but it's just not that easy.

[sharky988]

Look, NC is a way out of this mess. No one here benefits from your choosing to do this but YOU.

 

If you read the link to the recovery guide, there's lots of information about how to go NC in there.

 

As far as how to start it, you simply send him a text or email letting him know you've decided to not have any contact with him for a while so you can heal and move on. Then you wish him the best and thank him for understanding -- boom! You're done.

 

If he shows up at your door, you can remind him that you've asked for a period without contact so you can heal and move on.

 

If he persists, you can let him know that you'd like him to leave, and if he doesn't leave, you're going to call the police and they can escort him off the property.

 

There's really NO BIG DEAL in starting this. It's just a matter of deciding you've suffered enough. You clearly have other issues to work on as well -- but a good percentage of the depression and craziness should disappear when you finally get this guy out of your life.

 

He's isn't the CURE for your depression -- he's one of the CAUSES.

 

Once you cut contact, you need to start working on what the other causes are. You need to see someone to get help, maybe meds. You need to work on the areas of your life that need improvement. You need to set small achievable goals.... and achieve them. You need to haul your butt into the gym and get some happy chemicals going in your brain.

 

There's no great mystery to feeling better. Depression is highly treatable.

 

Read the guide, it will help you.

[QueenofHeartz]

Thank you for your kind words. I clicked on the link to the guide earlier & checked some of it out. Some good info, thanks.

[catfeeder]

If he is continuing to hook up with me, that's a good thing, right?

 

No, it's the opposite of good. The guy uses you for booty calls for no other reason than because you allow it, and he can get away with it.

 

Nobody respects that--not even you. You're keeping yourself stuck in a painful limbo, and you say it's because you want to escape the pain of walking away. But you're not escaping it, you're in it. And you're prolonging it. And you're compounding it because you're allowing yourself to be used, and that feels awful, too.

 

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to just stop contact. You don't need a speech, you don't need to explain anything--you just need to stop contacting him or accepting contact from him, and if he shows up, just speak through the door and tell him you don't feel like seeing him today, and not to contact you anymore--you'll contact him if you change your mind.

 

Then don't change your mind.

 

Head high.

[QueenofHeartz]

Just to clarify, we don't have sex everytime we see each other. There are days where he will come to see me, whether it is to check up on me or just to pass the time, but I get what you guys mean. He recently started telling me he loves me again (this started in September) & is still uttering the words "I love you" & "Love you, too" before getting off the phone with me & before leaving my house. Him telling me that he loves me stopped in June, post BU, but started back up in September. I don't know why he saying those three words to me. Maybe he really does love me. Maybe he's just saying it to get in my pants. What do you guys think? Cutting all contact will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm just not there yet.

[QueenofHeartz]

You're scared to lose him to someone else? U did lose him. He's not with you anymore. And eventually he's going to move on whether that be today, tomorrow, next week.....

 

Yes, I'm scared to lose him to another woman. I fear that I will drive him in the arms of another woman. If I lost him (as you say), then why is he still coming around to see me? To have sex? To check up on me? Why is he still calling? Why is he still texting? Why is he still in contact with me? Am I making any sense? I admit I'm in denial... perhaps it really is OVER. But then again, if it was really OVER, he wouldn't want anything to do with me, right? Or am I wrong? I am really confused here, I don't know where to turn. If he IS seeing other people, I have the right to know because I don't like people leading me on & I feel he's been doing just THAT.

[sharky988]

He's not SEEING you. He broke up with you.

 

He's having casual no-strings FWB sex with you.

 

Your "relationship" is OVER. It was over five months ago, when he broke up with you. If you want to know if he considers you to be together now? ASK HIM. He'll tell you it's over.... or not.

 

He's free to see anyone he wants, in any capacity. IF he loved you and wanted to be with you and be your boyfriend, he'd get back together with you. He's NOT doing that because he gets sex (and affection and friendship) from you without having to be your boyfriend. But if he loved you, he'd WANT to be your boyfriend.

 

There's really no way around that.... if he wanted to be with you, he would be.

 

As long as you stay in contact, this pain will continue.

 

Best of luck with it, I hope you stop seeing him soon!

[Shane Falco]

Yes, I'm scared to lose him to another woman. I fear that I will drive him in the arms of another woman. If I lost him (as you say), then why is he still coming around to see me? To have sex? To check up on me? Why is he still calling? Why is he still texting? Why is he still in contact with me? Am I making any sense? I admit I'm in denial... perhaps it really is OVER. But then again, if it was really OVER, he wouldn't want anything to do with me, right? Or am I wrong? I am really confused here, I don't know where to turn. If he IS seeing other people, I have the right to know because I don't like people leading me on & I feel he's been doing just THAT.

 

You are extremely wrong. He comes around because you are an easy mark. That's it. He can have sex with you whenever he wants and come and go as he pleases. That's the only value he sees in you right now unfortunately and the longer you allow it, the worse your situation becomes.

 

Your romantic relationship is over. He just wants easy sex from you. Everything he does, even when he's not having sex with you, is for that purpose. I wish there was another explanation, but that's pretty much it. He is still in contact with you because he knows you don't have the strength to deny him sex. You need to stop f*cking him immediately. In fact, you need to stop talking to him immediately. You are a f*ck buddy, a friend with a benefit, a booty call. I doubt you want to remain that, so stop.

[QueenofHeartz]

I will ask him today whether it's really OVER or not. We are not back together, yet he kinda acts like we still are. The reason I say this is because he still goes through my phone. He checks the ashtrays to see if there are any cigarette brands that he knows I don't smoke sitting in the ashtrays in my house, goes through the trash (goes looking in my trashcan), looks for any new, fresh tire marks in my driveway, doesn't want me hanging around any other guys, asks "Has anybody hit you up today?", the list goes on. Sometimes when we get into a heavy argument, he'll say, "I'm DONE" or "IT'S OVER" or "I can't do this anymore." Just the other day he said, "I would rather be single." He said this over the phone. "I don't wanna do this no more" was also said. He doesn't want me around other guys/in another man's presence. Is this because he wants & likes to be in control? He is very controlling. He doesn't want me to have a life, whatsoever, outside of finding a job & prefers that I work.

 

I will admit that I am hardheaded ...... what is WRONG with me?! Why can't I leave this creep -- this LOSER alone?!!!!

[sharky988]

You are in denial, that's the only reason why you can't stop seeing him.

 

Not because you're "meant to be". Not because he's secretly in love with you. It's because you're trying to pretend this breakup never happened, and he's been taking advantage of that in a pretty sleazy way.

 

I think asking him flat out if you're together or not is a VERY good plan. If he won't commit to being your boyfriend, at least you know what you're dealing with.

[QueenofHeartz]

You're right, I have been pretending (for way too long) that the breakup never happened. I have never taken rejection well. Never in a million years would I leave him, yet HE left ME.

 

I sent him a text October 12th saying:

 

"You don't love me anymore"

 

He replied with:

 

"I do still love you"

 

I also texted him (that same day):

 

"I feel like I have lost you completely"

 

He responded with:

 

"Everything is ok"

 

---------------------------------------

 

His words say one thing, but his actions say another. I am tired of the mixed messages -- of the mixed signals. As painful it is to hear that he's using me for sex, I can't allow myself to leave him alone... at least not just yet. Maybe I need something really bad to happen in order to leave him alone entirely.

[sharky988]

Ask him: "Are we back together now? Are you my boyfriend?"

 

If he can't give you a definite yes.... then you know where you stand. He might "love" you.... he might "love" having sex with you.... but if he's not "in love" and ready to be your boyfriend, you need to walk away and set yourself free.

[NoIdea2013]

Ask him: "Are we back together now? Are you my boyfriend?"

 

If he can't give you a definite yes.... then you know where you stand. He might "love" you.... he might "love" having sex with you.... but if he's not "in love" and ready to be your boyfriend, you need to walk away and set yourself free.

 

I wouldn't ask - I'd state that's what she needs from the relationship, not some casual situation which is hurting her. Tell him that if he can;t give that, then there's nothing further to talk about.

[iam42]

I don't think you should ask him anything. in fact, relying on someone else to tell you what's going on solidifies their power over you and leaves you vulnerable to their deception (or version of events). and it makes you look very weak to ask "what are we?" the questions you might consider asking are self-directed: is this working for me? do I feel good in this? are my emotional needs being met? can I trust this person to be there for me? you have a responsibilty to care for yourself.

 

I also think making this about feelings - his or yours - is risky as it taps into low self-esteem. this activates longstanding fears of unworthiness and abandonment. feelings are dynamic and complex and constantly changing. so, if I were you, I'd focus on actions and on structure. a decision was made to end the relationship. you are now free to focus on yourself, date others, AND sleep with your ex if you enjoy it. once you take control of yourself and emotions, you'll see it's not the worst position to be in...

[QueenofHeartz]

Ask him: "Are we back together now? Are you my boyfriend?"

 

If he can't give you a definite yes.... then you know where you stand. He might "love" you.... he might "love" having sex with you.... but if he's not "in love" and ready to be your boyfriend, you need to walk away and set yourself free.

 

 

Okay, I will do that, although I'm afraid I already know the answer to this question. While everyone is saying he's just using me for sex, what I really want to know is WHY he would LIE about seeing/dating other people? Why he would lie about this woman, even though he says there is nothing going on between them? Because he still wants to continue to sleep with me has been stated, but what if it's because he really doesn't want to hurt me? If he is sleeping with other women, then he is doing THEM wrong, too because I doubt they know about us continuing to hook up.

 

Bottom line is, he wants to have his cake & eat it, too. He enjoys the best of both worlds. It's disgusting. I am naive, I am gullible. I DESERVE BETTER. Do I fall into the category of "sidechick?" "The other woman?" I guess I'm not a "backup plan." Perhaps he really isn't testing the waters, to see what else is out there, if he really has no plans on ever getting back with me. Perhaps he really has MOVED ON, is seeing other people, but still frequents me to get an easy & fast "nut."

[iam42]

Bottom line is, he wants to have his cake & eat it, too. He enjoys the best of both worlds. It's disgusting. I am naive, I am gullible. I DESERVE BETTER. Do I fall into the category of "sidechick?" "The other woman?" I guess I'm not a "backup plan." Perhaps he really isn't testing the waters, to see what else is out there, if he really has no plans on ever getting back with me. Perhaps he really has MOVED ON, is seeing other people, but still frequents me to get an easy & fast "nut."

 

this is a very sad story to tell yourself under the guise of "truth." be careful of the harm you do to yourself with such negative, victimized thinking.

[Lorem Ipsum]

what I really want to know is WHY he would LIE about seeing/dating other people?

If he's as controlling as you say he is, then this is another way he exercises control. He goes through your phone, he's checking your house for signs that you're seeing someone else, but his life is completely closed off. So long as you think there's a possibility he's still single, then you still have hope you'll get back together and you'll do whatever you can to keep him, like having sex with him. The minute he finds something that's not in order with what he expects to find, he blows up and blames you, even though he hasn't formalised your relationship and if you're broken up/not together, you have the right to see anyone you want.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure what's so great about this guy. He wants to control who you see and talk to, he gets upset that you may have so much as looked at another man walking down the street. He won't share his own life and throws a fit when you're not behaving how he wants you to behave. Seriously, you can do better.

[QueenofHeartz]

I really like what you said, Lorem. Something to think about. I appreciate everyone's feedback. Thank you to all.

[QueenofHeartz]

Some words of wisdom that I came accross on another thread:

 

"I think that accepting that someone is that rotten is the hardest part and that is why you are having trouble moving on... Once you can accept that he is rotten to the core it will be easier to move on."

 

A lil' background on my ex:

 

He cheated on me both physically & emotionally during our relationship. Had sex with one woman Christmas Eve of 2011, made out with another chick while being intoxicated, received fellatio from another (when we were "talking" & things were not that serious), went as far as joining AdultFriendFinder, Zoosk, link removed (& put down that he was "Single" on all three sites), replied to a couple of Craigslist ads (pertaining to sex), set up a Kik account & chatted w/ other females (making it known that he was "single," with in mind that he had a girlfriend), etc. I could go on & on about all the sh*t he pulled & how wrong he did me. He IS rotten to the core -- he is a cheater, a liar, a manipulator, yet I still f*ck with this guy. What's it's gonna take for me to leave him alone, once & for all??????? ((Sigh.))

[QueenofHeartz]

I ran accross this statement on another thread that made me think ..... :

 

"My ex did not tell me she was seeing anyone else because she still wanted me in her life as a fwb. She wanted to have her cake and eat it to. She was not sure this was the guy she wanted to be with and needed me as a back up. Once she met a guy she really liked she had no problem telling me."

 

If my ex IS seeing someone, maybe this is the case with him. Who's to say he's not using me as a backup because he's not sure this is the woman he wants to be with? Is this possible? Or is he primarily using me for sex? Any thoughts?

 

I also read:

 

"Because breaking up with them already hurts them bad enough,why kick someone when they're already down?"

 

(^ as to why ex's lie about seeing/dating other people)

 

Maybe he's afraid of hurting me, too. He knows I'm not dealing with the breakup very well.

[NoIdea2013]

You seem to be prjecting being his back up is a good thing. It's not.

[catfeeder]

He IS rotten to the core -- he is a cheater, a liar, a manipulator, yet I still f*ck with this guy. What's it's gonna take for me to leave him alone, once & for all??????? ((Sigh.))

 

That's for you to answer, not us. We all get that he's a horrible human being; what we can't understand is why you won't walk away, allow for the same grief we've all experienced (and yes it is hard, but worth it) and allow yourself to heal and someday decide when you're ready to begin pursuing a better life for your Self.

 

You seem to want some magic message to come along and correct your thinking and deliver you strength before you'll let go. That won't happen. There is nothing that will spare you from the grief--the only way 'around' it is through it. The sooner you begin the grief process, the sooner you'll be able to thank yourself later.

[QueenofHeartz]

Ask him: "Are we back together now? Are you my boyfriend?"

 

If he can't give you a definite yes.... then you know where you stand. He might "love" you.... he might "love" having sex with you.... but if he's not "in love" and ready to be your boyfriend, you need to walk away and set yourself free.

 

 

I sent my ex a text today saying:

 

"Do you still have feelings for me?"

 

He texted back:

 

"Yes"

 

I then texted him again & said:

 

"Do you honestly mean that? With all your heart?"

 

He replied with:

 

"Yes i do"

 

So, that's a start. I have seen him everyday this week except Thursday. I saw him today. Could have had "the talk" with him, but didn't. (I would rather wait.)

[sharky988]

You should ask him if you're back together and if he's your boyfriend now.

 

You're asking him questions that allow him to say he "has feelings" without DEFINING your relationship or committing him to anything. Which, I assume, is what you want to know -- is he in or is he out?

[Tanzi]

If he is continuing to hook up with me, that's a good thing, right? He still comes to see me. We still talk everyday, yet we have been fighting more than usual here lately. He has also become very distant, ignoring a lot of my calls & texts. Maybe it's because he is busy with her. I don't know for sure if there is another woman involved, but just from the news I received & because of the signs he's been displaying, it's pretty obvious he is. My heart tells me to leave him alone & to cut off contact altogether, but it's hard. I am confused. I do not know what to do at this point. I know if I break all contact with him, I won't be seeing him anymore & that's something I really don't want.

 

That is not a positive thing. It is for him - but not for you who actually wants a whole lot more than the odd hook up here and there.

 

Staying in contact with an ex they have just dumped is very common with dumpers. Unfortunately, more often than not, it DOESN'T mean they want to get back together. It means they are reaping ALL the benefits of being in a relationship without actually being in one ... and I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about the compansionship and the security etc.

 

There is nothing to be confused about. If you want to stop hurting and start helping yourself to move on then you HAVE to cut contact with him.

 

If he is, infact, seeing this woman (or any woman, for that matter), then I feel sorry for her because he is PLAYING us both. She (I'm sure) doesn't have a clue about me. She doesn't know that he continues to engage in sex with me. He is probably (more than likely) having sex with HER, too. It's selfish of my ex to display this kind of behavior. Maybe he feels guilty about sleeping with me because sometimes when we do hook up, he avoids eye contact. Maybe he doesn't want to look me in the eye because he is thinking about her during these sessions & feels he's doing her wrong. Either way, he is doing US both wrong. Why keep me around? Am I the sideline (chick) here? Is he keeping me on the backburner? If so, for what? Here it is almost 5 months later & we're STILL not back together. Is it too late? Have I lost him for good? If I start NC, will it bring him back?

 

Well you don't actually know what his arrangements are with this other woman - it might not be anything serious. Whatever is going on, if you know there is a possibility that he is seeing someone else or that he could be playing you both then it is up to you to stop it.

 

He knows that hooking up with you is wrong - that is why he can't look you in the eye.

 

NC isn't about bringing someone back, it is so that you can start healing. I'm sure many people still hope that NC may work where all else failed but as no-one can predict what the future will bring your focus should remain on moving on. Moving on doesn't stop an ex from coming back should they want too ... but why sit around and way for something that might not happen?

 

That hurts to hear. I guess we will never be back together. Guess I don't even stand a chance. I kinda wish I was his backup plan just incase it doesn't work out with this girl. To hear the truth hurts, as the truth hurts. I feel helpless, unworthy, and feel as I can't go on without him. This pain I feel is unbearable. I don't know if I will ever get over him. I know I sound pretty pathetic right about now.

 

NEVER be someone's back up plan. You are worthy of so much more and you must never let someone use you in that way. Lots of us have been where you are. You will get over him ... but you have to start helping yourself to get over him.

 

why is he still coming around to see me? To have sex? To check up on me? Why is he still calling? Why is he still texting? Why is he still in contact with me?

 

.... perhaps it really is OVER. But then again, if it was really OVER, he wouldn't want anything to do with me, right? Or am I wrong? I am really confused here, I don't know where to turn. If he IS seeing other people, I have the right to know because I don't like people leading me on & I feel he's been doing just THAT.

 

Because if he is seeing someone else, it isn't serious and because you allow it.

 

Honey it's been over for 5 months. You aren't in a relationship with him. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be ... but he isn't. It is just sex.

 

In an ideal world he should be honest with you but unfortunately life isn't always ideal. However, you know their is a possibility that there may be someone else (in whatever capacity) but you are still allowing him to have sex with you so you have to take some responsibility here as well.

 

We are not back together, yet he kinda acts like we still are. The reason I say this is because he still goes through my phone. He checks the ashtrays to see if there are any cigarette brands that he knows I don't smoke sitting in the ashtrays in my house, goes through the trash (goes looking in my trashcan), looks for any new, fresh tire marks in my driveway, doesn't want me hanging around any other guys, asks "Has anybody hit you up today?", the list goes on. Sometimes when we get into a heavy argument, he'll say, "I'm DONE" or "IT'S OVER" or "I can't do this anymore." Just the other day he said, "I would rather be single." He said this over the phone. "I don't wanna do this no more" was also said. He doesn't want me around other guys/in another man's presence. Is this because he wants & likes to be in control? He is very controlling. He doesn't want me to have a life, whatsoever, outside of finding a job & prefers that I work.

 

His ego can't face losing out to another man. It's the classic "he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to want you" - not until he has fully moved on to someone else most probably. You are probably right - he is controlling the outcome. He wants it to go the perfect way for him. Hewants to hang on to you, reaping all the benefits until he is ready to give it all up when someone else comes into his life on a more permanent basis. You just have to keep reminding yourself that if he really didn't want to risk losing you to another man then he wouldn't have created this situation.