Journaling my "personal growth"

[MattW]

As always, no one said you don't deserve love or a supportive family. Everyone does. You are doing your pity party thing again, just like your mom. You realize how much like her you are right? Do you really want to be the same as her? I don't think you do.

 

Why do you think I have as much disdain for myself as I do? I absolutely see a lot of her in me, I always have, and I absolutely hate that. I hate myself for how much I remind me of her.

[penelope13]

you have a few more choices in terms of your home situation:

 

- you could start saying 'no' to your mother or letting her know you are not accepting her manipulations anymore; i.e. show your mom you are an adult who will speak up for himself and call her out on unacceptable behavior. she may be shocked, but if you are consistent, you could change the dynamics between you two

 

- you accept your mom for how she is - but you don't let it get to you emotionally; i.e you start to become emotionally independent from her

 

- in addition, you could start to cultivate a different relationship with your father: start hanging out with him, go places with him, show you are an adult and want to redefine your interaction. this may give you both the opportunity to gain more self confidence. you said your parents never do something - why not be the driving motor for introducing new things into their lives and improving family dynamics?

[enalover143]

Why do you think I have as much disdain for myself as I do? I absolutely see a lot of her in me, I always have, and I absolutely hate that. I hate myself for how much I remind me of her.

 

Then make a conscious choice not to act like her.

[enalover143]

And no offense, but do you really need to kick me while I'm down? I've had more than enough of my share of people guilting me and making me feel bad about things, for Christmas today, even if you have a valid point, it doesn't exactly help to remind me right now that I'm too selfish to volunteer for those in need today.

 

Matt, your mother did in fact treat you horribly in this circumstance and you are entitled to be upset and feel down. Just don't wallow in it the whole day. Like with the video games, do what you need...take an hour, two hours, stew over it...then be done with it and cast it aside. Else you will not be productive.

 

Let me ask...did you wallow over this issue and your negative feelings the whole day? Or did you play video games all day? Or a bit of both? Did you do any of the productive suggestions people gave you for your day off? Did you watch those videos about positive self-talk? Did you research some fun places to go? Did you work on your hobby / YouTube channel?

 

I am not even talking about researching a new therapist or a place to move out, as these are obviously "big steps" you claim to not be ready for. Where was your time spent on this full free day?

[enalover143]

Yes, it doesn't do me any good to continue living at home with my family situation, but the alternative is living in constant fear and paranoia that the stranger(s) I live with might do something horrible to me, and that just doesn't seem like much of a step up to me.

 

What horrible things will they do to you? Rob you? Murder you? Sure those are possible, but low in probability, if you do your research, pick the right place and situation, and take every precaution to be safe and protect yourself.

 

You are way too paranoid. You cannot live your life in constant fear. All you can do is take the best precautions and minimize risk...but there are no guarantees in life. That's your problem...you want 100% guarantees in anything you do and that my friend, is impossible. You know you could just die tomorrow in a car accident right? Yet you still drive to work every day. Moving out is no different. You have to accept some amount of risk to get what you want.

 

The alternative is to cower in fear as you have all your life and never improve or experience anything.

[MattW]

Yeah, I can try. Being firm with my mom is tough, though, because any time I "push", she "pushes" right back, and she knows exactly how to get me to bend and give her what she wants. If it were as simple as me being able to stand up to her and simply end the conversation there, that might work, but she always has to have the last word, and she's often willing to escalate things much higher than I am.

 

 

 

Most of the time, I don't even realize I acted like her until after the fact, though. I'll say or do something, and then once it's already done, I'll think "Ugh, that's just how my mom acts...".

 

 

 

It was mostly spent on wallowing, yes. I tried to use gaming for a few hours throughout the day to get my mind off things and distract me, but I had trouble even focusing on them. Similarly, I watched a movie to try to distract myself, as well, but again, my focus wasn't entirely on it. I did finally convince myself to order the new microphone and accessories I need to produce new videos for my YouTube channel. To be honest, after the spat I had with my mom, I just felt mentally exhausted, and I kinda wanted to just crawl in bed, but I wanted to at least try to distract myself.

 

 

 

I'm fairly naive to that kind of thing, and knowing me, I'd probably make all the wrong choices. Maybe the probability of being robbed or murdered, or whatever else, is "low", but with the kind of trust issues I have towards people, that's a chance I don't want to take.

 

 

 

I know that there are no guarantees, and that you have to take risks to get ahead and get what you want. I prefer calculated risks, though I admit that I analyze things too much for my own good, and that often times, I arrive at the conclusion that I'd be too likely to fail, and thus, I don't take said risk. Yes, I'm very paranoid and distrustful towards people, but can you really blame me, all things considered? The "scars" I've gotten due to other people run very deep, and are very predominant in my subconscious mind in all that I do.

[bulletproof]

Yes, I'm very paranoid and distrustful towards people, but can you really blame me, all things considered?

 

It's not about blame. You have to stop finding reasons to not accept responsibility for your feelings and actions. If I were to really consider everything that's helped shape who you are, I can't say it would fall into the realm of trauma so extreme that you are unable to take the simplest steps towards improving your life. That's totally on you. If you want to call it blame, that's fine, but it doesn't really matter what we term it. People have suffered through far worse and still managed to persevere. And if they find themselves unable to, they use the resources available to them to help, like insurance for therapy. If you won't even do that, then you're at a stopping point, period.

[Batya33]

"I'm very paranoid and distrustful towards people"

 

At least now you know that it makes no sense to complain about why other people seem to have it easier than you as far as having a social life/romantic relationships. Even if this was the only obstacle you chose to put up against achieving your goals, it's a biggie. It's also a good starting point for therapy -if you express that to a therapist I am sure a good therapist has many tools at his/her disposal to help you get away from that mindset such that when you weigh the risks of certain choices it won't continue to come out "well I won't do that because I'm paranoid about what others might do to me".

[MattW]

And if my trust issues get in the way of therapy? Clearly, I didn't have much "trust" in the first therapist I visited to help me get where I need to go. And to be frank, I've never had much "trust" in the idea of therapy to begin with. I don't really "trust" anything to help me; I tend to just hope that I can stumble upon something (hopefully sooner rather than later) that will help me get on the right track, but obviously that's not going so well, and I don't "trust" anything else, either.

[bulletproof]

And if my trust issues get in the way of therapy? Clearly, I didn't have much "trust" in the first therapist I visited to help me get where I need to go.

 

It was your choice to not trust her. And it was your choice to go one time only, to one therapist. As it's been noted before, it often takes multiple first tries to find a person you like/trust.

[enalover143]

And if my trust issues get in the way of therapy? Clearly, I didn't have much "trust" in the first therapist I visited to help me get where I need to go. And to be frank, I've never had much "trust" in the idea of therapy to begin with. I don't really "trust" anything to help me; I tend to just hope that I can stumble upon something (hopefully sooner rather than later) that will help me get on the right track, but obviously that's not going so well, and I don't "trust" anything else, either.

 

That's fine, then stay stuck where you are forever hoping things will magically change. And for pigs to fly

[Batya33]

That's fine, then stay stuck where you are forever hoping things will magically change. And for pigs to fly

 

Therapists often deal with trust issues and most likely trust targeted right at them (after all it can be a very fragile/vulnerable relationship and dynamic). Your post above shows again that you prefer to stay with the status quo and living with your mother. It is easier. I had to do something yesterday that is way out of my comfort zone, scary. I should have done it months ago but better late than never. I cannot tell you how it lifted my spirits all day to do that (oh I might as well share -it had been 8 months since I practiced driving and for the last 3-4 months I had lost all motivation to try again- yesterday I finally did and today I plan to try again). I share because it really is fresh in my mind how awesome it is to stretch yourself. I highly recommend it.

[MattW]

It was your choice to not trust her. And it was your choice to go one time only, to one therapist. As it's been noted before, it often takes multiple first tries to find a person you like/trust.

 

We always come back to the topic of "choice". And it's not that I don't see why. I understand that everything is on me, and it's up to me to make choices to get me where I want to go. But that sounds so much easier than it really is. There's a world of difference between choosing what you want to eat for dinner, for example, and choosing to do something new that alters your life in a significant way.

 

I'm not a very strong person. I'm weak. I "bend" very easily, I try to give everyone around me what they want, I try not to make trouble for people, I don't like making "waves" or bringing attention to myself, I try to just fly under the radar and let things flow peacefully around me. I don't like being in any kind of position of power or leadership, I don't like having to make decisions, I don't like presenting who I am to people, I don't like "standing up" for my convictions, I don't like offering opposition to things regardless about how I feel about them. To some extent, I have a certain "meagerness" about me, in that I'd much rather just be a "cog in the machine", and hope that one day, someone will appreciate me for who I am.

 

Like I said, I'm not a strong person. I'm definitely more of a "follower" than a "leader", and I hate having to make decisions for anything (because I feel like I always choose wrong).

 

Yes, I made choices when it came to therapy. But they were choices that I could justify to myself. That's kind of the thing, I know I don't make the best choices, but often times, I can justify to my self the choices I make, and they make sense to me. If I'm going to make any kind of actual progress with my life, I need to figure out how to stop justifying my bad choices to myself, how to stop seeing the logic and the sense in the bad choices I make.

 

And that's where things get tricky. I'm good at convincing myself that the choices I make for myself are "right", even when they quite clearly are not. But one way or another, I convince myself, and once I've gotten myself to believe it, it's hard to see things any other way.

 

It's sort of a weird conflict of interest, but on one hand, I want so badly to be wrong that I'm doomed to a sad, lonely, miserable life, but on the other hand, I'm always so wrong about everything else, that I'd like to be right about something for once in my life, and as cruel as it is to myself, at least I can force myself to be right about this one.

 

Therapists often deal with trust issues and most likely trust targeted right at them (after all it can be a very fragile/vulnerable relationship and dynamic). Your post above shows again that you prefer to stay with the status quo and living with your mother. It is easier. I had to do something yesterday that is way out of my comfort zone, scary. I should have done it months ago but better late than never. I cannot tell you how it lifted my spirits all day to do that (oh I might as well share -it had been 8 months since I practiced driving and for the last 3-4 months I had lost all motivation to try again- yesterday I finally did and today I plan to try again). I share because it really is fresh in my mind how awesome it is to stretch yourself. I highly recommend it.

 

That's great, I'm happy for you. Clearly you have a lot more willpower and strength than I do; I wish I could tap into that, myself.

[Batya33]

 

That's great, I'm happy for you. Clearly you have a lot more willpower and strength than I do; I wish I could tap into that, myself.

 

You can. Every time you pull out the victim/passive card someone reminds you that it's a choice and every time you're reminded of that you react with "but it's hard" and then you get the same reaction "yup, it is hard to make a different choice, no one ever said it was easy". I'm not sure what you get out of the going in circles time and again. Yes, making a different choice is hard but once you really accept that it is a choice (rather than the passive excuses) then you have something to go on and grow on. If you think you need to be stronger or improve your willpower, find a way to work on that.

 

And you're not making things any easier on people by indulging in "It's too hard/pity me/but but but" - and certainly not on yourself.

 

I didn't share my experience with you to get your accolades- I'm just a typical person - if I can make different choices, even very hard choices, so can you.

[bulletproof]

We always come back to the topic of "choice".

 

But that sounds so much easier than it really is.

 

Yes. And yes. There's not much more to say. Life is hard sometimes. You can continue to go in circles with posters on a message board or you can take steps to change things for yourself.

[MattW]

See, I'm not trying to whine about things being hard, but this is sort of how I see things: My mind is like one of those mechanical bulls, bucking and moving around wildly. Sometimes I can hop on but I always get thrown off almost immediately. I can't get on and stay on, I can't "calm down the bull", it just keeps bucking and bucking.

 

That's how the inside of my head is. I know everything I do (and not do) is all my choice, but I just can't get a firm grasp on my mind, and even when I make a stand with myself and say "I'm going to do this", I fall off the wagon shortly after and give up on the choice I had recently made.

[Batya33]

See, I'm not trying to whine about things being hard, but this is sort of how I see things: My mind is like one of those mechanical bulls, bucking and moving around wildly. Sometimes I can hop on but I always get thrown off almost immediately. I can't get on and stay on, I can't "calm down the bull", it just keeps bucking and bucking.

 

That's how the inside of my head is. I know everything I do (and not do) is all my choice, but I just can't get a firm grasp on my mind, and even when I make a stand with myself and say "I'm going to do this", I fall off the wagon shortly after and give up on the choice I had recently made.

 

Yes, you've written the same thing and similar many many times. And many many times people have suggested that therapy can help you with the issues you describe. What's your choice going to be? You can get a firm grasp and follow through -it's not easy but it's not about "can't" -you can. You might need outside professional help to get on the right track though. It doesn't matter how you "see" things -all that matters is what action you take. Going in circles on this message board is inconsistent with the personal growth you claimed you wanted when you started this thread.

[bulletproof]

I know everything I do (and not do) is all my choice, but I just can't get a firm grasp on my mind, and even when I make a stand with myself and say "I'm going to do this", I fall off the wagon shortly after and give up on the choice I had recently made.

 

You are basically saying the same thing in a different way: you know you have choices, but you "can't get a firm grasp on" your mind, i.e., things are *still* not within your control. You are unwilling to accept responsibility for your lack of action and what your life has become. If you honestly feel that you cannot control your own mind, then we are back again to the idea of medication and/or therapy. If you feel that your mind is so uncontrollable that you cannot possibly get yourself to a doctor's office, then there's really nothing left to discuss. You're stuck.

[MattW]

Well, then, yes, I agree. I'm stuck. And that's a very frustrating, miserable place to be in. I DO feel like I can't control my mind enough to go to therapy again and actually stick with it. That's sort of the catch-22, isn't it? Perhaps therapy COULD help me get a grasp on my mind better, but I have such a poor grasp of it right now that I can't even commit to therapy. At least not right now.

 

That said, I'd like to once again remind everyone here that I never promised x amount of "personal growth" in y amount of time. If you want to reference the topic title, let me elaborate; in one of my old drawn out topics, someone recommended I post in the Personal Growth forum, and at the time, I simply wasn't aware there was a "Journal" forum, so I made this topic in the Personal Growth one, with the topic as such, and it got moved here to the Journal forum.

 

So, yes, I'm going in circles endlessly, but that's simply where I'm stuck. I HOPE that I can eventually get myself unstuck. I HOPE that I can eventually experience that "personal growth" and have a better life for myself. But I simply don't know how, when, or even if that will happen. In the meantime, this journal is here for me to post my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis, and to discuss them with those willing to participate. I can't promise growth, and I certainly can't promise it'll happen any time soon if it happens at all. But that doesn't mean I can't continue holding out hope I may be able to do it one day.

[Wayfara]

Why? I don't really know. I can't come up with anything right now to explain why I feel that way, I just know that I do.

 

My point, there is no logic that justifies the self abuse you put yourself through. Abuse is wrong, be it self abuse or abusing others. When you get an irrational impulse to do something that is wrong, self abuse in this case, tell it to get lost. You wouldn't follow an irrational impulse to abuse someone else (ie half #1 telling you to abuse someone), would you? You would tell it to get lost. Do the same thing here.

 

I'm good at convincing myself that the choices I make for myself are "right", even when they quite clearly are not. But one way or another, I convince myself, and once I've gotten myself to believe it, it's hard to see things any other way.

 

You give half #1 the power by choosing to believe him. So why do choose to believe him? You already know half #1's arguments are illogical.

 

on one hand, I want so badly to be wrong that I'm doomed to a sad, lonely, miserable life, but on the other hand, I'm always so wrong about everything else, that I'd like to be right about something for once in my life, and as cruel as it is to myself, at least I can force myself to be right about this one.

 

I guess the answer is here, you believe half #1 because you want to. You want to be doomed to a sad, lonely, miserable life so you have given half #1 the job to rationalize reasons to why you are doomed, and as you so badly want to believe you are doomed it doesn't really matter if his reasons are logical or not, you will believe it either way.

 

Well, then, yes, I agree. I'm stuck.

 

You can choose to not be stuck Sorry, but it's true. Big part of the reason it's so hard for you is because you have already made the choice to be be stuck, and it's hard to unstuck yourself while you are chosing to be stuck. Stop chosing to be stuck it will get a lot easier to unstuck yourself. Right now though I think you want to be stuck more than you want to unstuck as that would ruin the feeling of being doomed.

 

So why do you want to be doomed? Is it only about wanting to be right about yourself?

[bulletproof]

I DO feel like I can't control my mind enough to go to therapy again and actually stick with it.

 

Understand though, that those reading here see you committing to other things. You manage to get out of the house and go to work, to class, to the rare social occasion if you think it will somehow benefit you. You manage to commit to playing video games and watching movies. So you do have control over your brain when it comes to doing what you want to do, what's easy to do, and what's well within your comfort zone.

 

I think that's why it's a little hard to believe that you can't commit to even one small thing that will help you move forward. Again, it sounds like it's more about won't than can't.

[Batya33]

"I HOPE that I can eventually get myself unstuck. I HOPE that I can eventually experience that "personal growth" and have a better life for myself. But I simply don't know how, when, or even if that will happen. In the meantime, this journal is here for me to post my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis, and to discuss them with those willing to participate. I can't promise growth, and I certainly can't promise it'll happen any time soon if it happens at all. But that doesn't mean I can't continue holding out hope I may be able to do it one day."

 

Meaningless to rely on hope without actions. That's passive again. It's like me hoping that I get a drivers license without getting behind the wheel and practicing. Perfect analogy -see how that makes no sense? So stop the "I hope" and set small, daily goals for yourself that you can do that day to advance towards your larger goals. Hoping doesn't count -it's just another excuse.

 

There's nothing to discuss if you've decided you are stuck and you are not going to take actual steps to get unstuck. Those who continue to participate in your passive ruminations and hollow "hopes" are not helping you in the least -they're allowing you to stay stuck.

[MattW]

So why do you want to be doomed? Is it only about wanting to be right about yourself?

 

I don't know. I really don't. I've been trying to think back and trace where exactly this comes from, but I can't really find anything. I'm sure there's probably something (or even multiple things) that have contributed to it, but I'm simply not consciously aware of them.

 

Being right about myself is the only thing I can really come up with "consciously", because again, I feel like every major thing I've done has been wrong. Every major choice, decision, endeavor, etc., it's all been "wrong". I always end up being wrong about everything, no matter how positive or optimistic I am, I end up wrong. I guess I'm tired of feeling like I always make the wrong choices, and do the wrong things. I want so badly to just be right about something, I want to make a right choice, a right decision, a right endeavor, I want something to go the way I'd like it to. So, even if it means I have a miserable unhappy life, at least I KNOW I can be right about dying a sad, old, lonely death. I don't want to do that, but I know that I absolutely can do that, and the fact that I can makes it so very attractive to me, because it means finally being right about something.

 

In a way, my "always wrong" nature is a reason I tend to shoot down actions I can take, because I feel like I'll never be able to do said actions the "right" way, or get to the "right" ending point with them. I get things wrong so much that I just don't want to do anything anymore because I'm so sick of always coming out "wrong". When I started community college five years ago, I thought that was the "right" choice, and I thought that would be the start of my career; turns out, I spent five years there, not knowing what I wanted to do, wasting tons of time, and ultimately coming out of the experience with nothing. When I met the girl I liked last year, I thought I had finally met the girl for me, and I really thought she would date me; but I was wrong, I screwed things up with her, she dated other people instead, and now it's only a matter of time before the most amazing girl I've ever met is out of the picture completely. These are just two examples, there are plenty of others.

 

Heck, while I enjoy the school I'm at currently, and I've generally been pretty optimistic and hopeful for the first half of this program, I've recently started to worry about what's going to happen when I finish in about six months. Will I be able to find a job? Will I really be able to get the kind of career I want? Will my time spent at this school have been a waste? What if I'm wrong about this school helping me get to where I want to go? What if I'm just not good enough, at the end of it all? I've been feeling very nervous and very scared about what's at the end of tunnel, here, come June.

 

These are the kinds of thoughts I have about life decisions like this, especially ones that require an investment of time, money, and/ or other things. Such as therapy, for example. What if I go to therapy, but resist everything they say the entire time? What if I lie to the therapist, what if I try to make them think I'm getting better, just to appease them, when I'm really not? What if I do therapy "wrong"?

 

Honestly, that's why I don't like deciding anything, because I always feel like I'll decide "wrong". Even stuff like planning for my birthday, I hated the idea of picking a place, a time and day, etc., because I always feel like I'll pick wrong, a place that isn't so good, or a date/ time that doesn't work for anyone, etc. I'm at a point where I'd rather just let everyone else make all the decisions, and I'll just go with the flow with what works for everyone else around me. I really don't like having to make decisions, in fact, I hate it. Because all of them are always wrong, or at least, not the right decision.

 

I think on some level, I want to find my own way to become "unstuck". Simply choosing to do so just isn't something I can do. For me, in my mind, that would be a whole big thing, a big thing that I could just never come out on top of. What that way is, though, I just can't figure it out. I'm just... wishing for something, something to inspire me, to guide me, to give me the right idea. I dunno.

 

I finally have actual plans of hanging out with that guy from work. Right now, we've planned to hang out on Monday afternoon and get something to eat. I don't know, maybe becoming friends with this guy will be the start of something to help me start making a better life for myself. It's different, if nothing else, but not something that's forcing me to step too far out of my comfort zone.

 

It's kind of frustrating to me how long it's taken to actually get to this point with him, though. And I don't express frustration towards him when I say that, I just mean... Well, let me put it this way. I don't like having to initiate contact with people, and I don't like having to ask "Hey, wanna hang out?", or whatever, because I feel like I bother people when I do. I don't want to seem desperate or clingy, or needy, or anything like that, but I can never properly assess that line, and thus, to me, I'd rather not have to do it at all, because otherwise, I'll probably go overboard and push people away.

 

So, with him, we've kinda been talking about hanging out and doing stuff for almost a month and a half at this point, and yet, we never really make plans and actually hang out. He mentioned the gym thing a long time ago, and I came around and accepted, and he said he'd let me know, and he hasn't mentioned it since (and I don't really want to bring it up again). He's said we should hang out, in the past, and if I agreed, he'd usually just say "Cool", then no plans would get made. Again, I don't like pushing, because I don't want to be THAT guy.

 

Which, I want to just keep cool and not think about it, but when I've spent the last month and a half in a bit of a limbo, thinking I might finally get to make a friend, but not knowing when, where, or how, and just having no concrete plans made, it sort of makes things a bit frustrating.

 

Similarly, I often think about what's going to happen when the girl I like leaves the store. I mean, yeah, she agreed to stay in touch with me, but what's going to happen when she actually leaves? Am I supposed to wait for her to bring up staying in touch? Am I supposed to bring it up again when the time comes? If so, what am I supposed to say? How do I not be desperate or clingy about it? How do I actually "stay in touch" with her without going overboard, but without being completely nonexistent, as well?

 

I just hate having to be the one to take action towards people, because I always feel like I'm just pestering them and making myself look bad to them when I approach them. I never know what's "too much" and what's "not enough", and I feel like I always lean one way or the other, rather than find the right balance. I either cling to people too hard and turn them off, or I stay so distant that they simply think I'm uninterested in them. There's really not much middle ground, with me, I'm afraid.

 

Ah well. Went on a bit of a rant, there, without intending to. Feeling super tired right now, wishing I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow, and just kinda hoping Monday turns out to be fun.

[bulletproof]

Simply choosing to do so just isn't something I can do.

 

Sure you can. You just won't.

[MattW]

Sure you can. You just won't.

 

Fair enough, but in my mind, it's not as simple as saying "I'm going to do this instead of what I'd normally do". To me, it's much more of a struggle, and it's a struggle I always lose.