Journaling my "personal growth"

[blueidealist24]

I'm glad you have plans with the guy.. that's a step forward. It is hard to find the balance between being too needy/clingy, and being too distant, yeah. I think that is something you could talk to a therapist about though. You can't really do therapy "wrong." Even if you acted weird, or even lied to the therapist, I doubt you've even be close to the craziest acting person there. They're being paid to deal with patients, so they basically have to put up with anything short of abuse, no matter how odd. If you could act perfectly there, you wouldn't really need it, right?

[bulletproof]

Fair enough, but in my mind, it's not as simple as saying "I'm going to do this instead of what I'd normally do". To me, it's much more of a struggle, and it's a struggle I always lose.

 

The idea that you always lose is a complete exaggeration and very dramatic.

 

The first step to changing actions is to change thoughts and words (written and spoken), which in your case would mean cutting down on the drama.

 

Regarding how simple things are, they will be as simple or as hard as you make them.

[Batya33]

Good that you have plans with that guy! Nothing new under the sun as far as things people want sometimes being a struggle. As far as the mindset "I always lose" I agree with bulletproof. Obviously if you make unrealistic choices and then "lose" you have to look at the original choice -a therapist can help you make realistic choices and work towards being successful with those choices. No guarantees but it's far better than choosing to be stuck.

[MattW]

Ugh, feeling a bit annoyed. Was happy I was scheduled to get out of work early today, because I hate having to do all the closing crap, then when it was time for me to leave, a combination of my manager (who actually made the schedule) being forgetful as usual, and me getting slammed with a bunch of customers that had one problem after another, I got stuck having to stay an extra hour-and-a-half. So, I had to do all the closing crap I was so happy to avoid, and on top of that, even though he knew I was supposed to leave earlier, the manager gave me a bunch of other things to do.

 

So, just feeling really annoyed and irritated right now. I never get a nice shift like I was scheduled for today, then I get it, but I get stuck staying til the normal time anyway. I mean, I don't mind staying for certain lengths of time, or anything, but it just irritates me when I'm scheduled a certain way, and all of a sudden, the time I've been looking forward to all day gets pushed back. I'm starting to cool down now, but I was pretty steamed.

 

Also, I hate to say it, but I'm feeling a bit bummed with how little I see the girl I like. I think it's been about a week since I've seen her, now, and I know I won't see her for at least the next seven days, maybe longer. I dunno... Just getting to spend a little time with her once a week sort of brightens my day, so it kinda makes me sad when I have to go long stretches without any contact with her whatsoever.

 

Ah well. At least I have something to do tomorrow after work for a little while.

[Wayfara]

As I understand, your priority list right now is:

1) Trying to the girl you like to like you back exactly as you are right now (which would lead to a pretty unsatisfying relationship for her as you practically have no will of your own as for now).

2) Fulfill your self made prophecy to be forever sad, lonely and miserable so you can tell yourself you were right.

3) Trying to get the girl you like to like you back with a happier, new and improved MattW.

4) Attracting other quality women with a happier, new and improved MattW.

 

Getting the girl without improving trumps self fulling prophecy as you don't hold yourself back from taking opportunities with her even without guarantees that she will like you back (which is unlikely at moment). But making yourself forever sad, lonely and miserable trumps improving yourself to get the girl or improving yourself to get other women as you are not willing to make improvements as for now. That makes me think you are driven by anger, you want to be accepted as romantic partner without having to improve, having to improve seems "unfair" to you so you rather be miserable and angry about that fact.

 

I think you should take a long and hard talk with yourself about what is more important to you. Making a self fulling prophecy to have a sad lonely, miserable existence so you, at your death bed, can congratulate yourself "I was right". Or have a chance to actually get what you want, someone to share your life with.

 

Fair enough, but in my mind, it's not as simple as saying "I'm going to do this instead of what I'd normally do". To me, it's much more of a struggle, and it's a struggle I always lose.

 

You lose the struggle because you decide to lose the struggle, you probably knew you would lose the struggle before even you made the struggle and that is because you already planned to lose the struggle and struggle itself was just for show so you could feel doomed. You can choose to win the struggle, when you overcame your resistance of learning to drive, you decided to win the struggle and after that there probably wasn't much struggle left, was there?

[MattW]

It's not so much that I "don't want to improve", but I feel like minus my lack of friends/ social life (which is also where a lot of my general unhappiness stems from), I'm a good, worthwhile guy. It's not about not wanting to improve, I just... can't really see myself being "better" in any real way than I am now. I let my real personality shine through as much as I can, and I'd like to think that personality is good and worthwhile, funny, charming, warm, friendly... I can't visualize a "better" version of myself to aspire to. When I let my real personality shine through, I like that "me" just the way it is, to be honest. It just seems like that doesn't get me very far, nor does it make me any more attractive to anyone else.

 

 

 

See, but I pushed myself through the struggle of learning to drive because I had a specific goal in mind -- getting to date this awesome girl that I liked. Likewise, before it all went downhill, I had similar aspirations of improving my life in other ways, driven by the happy feelings I felt due to liking this girl. And when I knew there was no chance for me and this girl, all those good feelings got sapped right out of me, and along with them, any aspirations I had for improving my life in any kind of meaningful way.

 

In other words, my feelings for this girl stirred up a lot in me, and got the gears moving in my head. I powered through my driving fear, and I was very open to doing anything I could to making a better life for myself, then I found out my feelings for her would never be reciprocated, and I completely lost sight of all of that. Granted, the driving thing stuck because I couldn't exactly "unlearn" how to drive, nor would I just stop doing it. But everything else just sort of lost meaning to me.

 

That's part of the problem, that I need something pretty profound to properly motivate me and give me that gusto. I just don't care enough about the vague idea that I *might* meet another girl somewhere down the line for that to give me the same kind of motivation. I was motivated because I had feelings for THIS specific girl, and that was "real" enough to me to light a fire under me. But what am I left with now? Everyone here has made it abundantly clear that there's no chance I'll ever be with this girl (and given how I can't even tell where I stand with her in even a platonic way, I suppose that's not something I can deny), and I'm just not driven by the idea that "maybe" there's another girl that I'll meet "some day".

 

Anyway, lunch with the guy went alright. He told me some interesting personal anecdotes about himself, and I told him some about myself. Not really a whole lot to say about it, to be honest.

 

I'm sort of extra bummed because the next schedule came out, and once again, I'm not working with the girl I like at all, so it's been one week since I've seen her, and it'll be at least another two (maybe longer...) before I see her again. I know it shouldn't be a big deal or anything, but I dunno. Getting to spend even a little time with her makes me a bit more "chipper" for a good week or so. Going this long without any contact with her leaves me with this feeling that something is missing, yanno? It really sucks to know that this is how things will likely be for a while in the near future, getting to see her so seldomly. I don't know what I'm going to do when she's gone from our current job completely.

[Batya33]

You have to give yourself motivation and if you can't give that to yourself then seek professional help. You don't need to be driven, the way you describe it, to make changes -take the actions without the motivation and keep doing it and the motivation will follow. It's just another excuse "but I'm not motivated". Just like you go to work even when you don't feel like it"

[bulletproof]

It's not about not wanting to improve, I just... can't really see myself being "better" in any real way than I am now.

 

This statement completely contradicts itself. Not seeing yourself being better is not wanting to improve.

 

Regarding feeling bad because this girl is not at work, all I can say is that you cannot depend on someone else to make or break your day. It's unhealthy and will get you nowhere in terms of feeling better about yourself and your life.

[MattW]

You have to give yourself motivation and if you can't give that to yourself then seek professional help. You don't need to be driven, the way you describe it, to make changes -take the actions without the motivation and keep doing it and the motivation will follow. It's just another excuse "but I'm not motivated". Just like you go to work even when you don't feel like it"

 

Eh, I don't think you can use "going to work" as an example. I mean, that's barely a step up from "basic things you have to do to survive". You HAVE to eat, drink, sleep, and breathe in order to live. Going up to the next level, you basically HAVE to work (and to a lesser extent, get an education) in order to get by.

 

You say one doesn't need to be "driven" to take actions and make changes; but then, why does one do those things? Unless I have a specific reason, a motivation, to do something, I don't really care much about it, and thus, I'll give up on it relatively quickly because I simply don't care enough to keep doing it otherwise. Yes, I agree that it's foolish to seek motivation from external forces, and that it should come from within, but from my perspective, there's nothing I feel motivated to do just to do it for myself.

 

This statement completely contradicts itself. Not seeing yourself being better is not wanting to improve.

 

Again, all I'm saying is that I like the good "me" just the way it is, and I can't see a "better" version of that person to work towards and to aspire towards. I don't mean it in a bad, resistant way, I just mean that I like the good "me", and that I don't see why that person can't be "attractive", and I don't know what a "better" version of that person would look like, so I don't feel like I know how to "improve" it.

 

Regarding feeling bad because this girl is not at work, all I can say is that you cannot depend on someone else to make or break your day. It's unhealthy and will get you nowhere in terms of feeling better about yourself and your life.

 

I'm not saying that her presence makes or breaks my day. I mean, I can get along just fine, and I don't exactly spiral out into depression from not seeing her, it just gives me this constant nagging feeling that something is "missing". I constantly find myself thinking "I gotta tell her about this, she'll get a kick out of it! Oh... But I can't...", or "This a funny joke, I gotta tell her and make her laugh! Oh... But I can't...", or "I wonder what she's up to; I should ask her. Oh... But I can't...", which is just kinda sad, to me. I mean, come on, most people have that one friend or acquaintance that they can't wait to talk to about everything. I have a lot of fun with her when I'm around her, so when I go these long stretches without seeing her, it just makes me long for that sense of fun.

[bulletproof]

I mean, come on, most people have that one friend or acquaintance that they can't wait to talk to about everything.

 

Yes, but the healthy version of that is when the other person feels the same way.

 

Also, you say you should be attractive the way that you are, and that you're happy the way you are. But you're not. You wouldn't have a 90-page thread (along with the other threads from the past 5 years) detailing how unhappy you are if you were happy.

[bulletproof]

Yes, I agree that it's foolish to seek motivation from external forces, and that it should come from within, but from my perspective, there's nothing I feel motivated to do just to do it for myself.

 

Then you need professional help, honestly.

[Batya33]

Then you need professional help, honestly.

 

I agree with this. Once again the circles -if you insist that you will not make different choices that will help your personal growth (to use your words) and you insist that you will not take actions unless you feel motivated to do so, and you also cannot find the motivation then there's really nothing more to say other than find a professional to help you develop those tools you need.to make different choices and take different actions. The alternative is to do nothing but if that's the alternative you choose then there is no reason to seek input here or from others. Sure you can vent till the cows come home but that's really irrelevant to this thread -this thread as you created it is supposed to be about growth. Venting is inconsistent with growth.

[Wayfara]

It's not so much that I "don't want to improve", but I feel like minus my lack of friends/ social life (which is also where a lot of my general unhappiness stems from), I'm a good, worthwhile guy. It's not about not wanting to improve, I just... can't really see myself being "better" in any real way than I am now. I let my real personality shine through as much as I can, and I'd like to think that personality is good and worthwhile, funny, charming, warm, friendly... I can't visualize a "better" version of myself to aspire to. When I let my real personality shine through, I like that "me" just the way it is, to be honest. It just seems like that doesn't get me very far, nor does it make me any more attractive to anyone else.

 

You are willingly working toward dooming yourself to a sad, lonely miserable life, you are willingly stuck on a woman who doesn't want you and you don't want to figure out what makes you happy. Wouldn't you want a female version of that?

 

You wouldn't be deterred by her sighing and looking longingly at another guy, that devotion only makes her more attractive, no? Working for her doom when she can't have him is just further evidence of the sweet heart she has inside, you can only wish it was you who inspired it. Rather than making herself happy, she just want to figure out what makes him happy, doesn't that make you fantasize how it would be like having her figuring what makes you happy, and maybe if you beg her sweet enough she will even try to be happy too for your sake, so romantic, no? She never tries anything unless to improve her standing with this guy, so selfless, you can only hope to take his place of this one day because then you can mold her to be exactly like you want her be. She lets her family push her around and manipulate her, never standing up for herself really shows how humble she is, maybe when you two are an item she will allow you to push her around and manipulate her, that could make the relationship interesting, no?

 

She thinks her self neglecting and self sacrificing nature makes her a catch and she is so right, that's what makes her so fascinating to you. She says it's unfair that no matter how much she sacrifice to make everyone else happier guys just go for happy girls with less devotion than her and you agree, those guys just don't know what they miss out in her. She says can't see how she can be better than she already is and you just want to tell her it's because she's already perfect, no? Why have the girl you like when you can have a girl like this?

 

Sorry for being mean but I hope you see what I mean.

[MattW]

Yes, but the healthy version of that is when the other person feels the same way.

 

In a romantic capacity, yes, but you can still enjoy someone's company a lot even if they don't quite have you on the same level.

 

Also, you say you should be attractive the way that you are, and that you're happy the way you are. But you're not. You wouldn't have a 90-page thread (along with the other threads from the past 5 years) detailing how unhappy you are if you were happy.

 

I'm mainly unhappy due to loneliness, though. I'm unhappy because I can't connect with people properly, that I can't attract people into my life, that I can't make friends, that I can't date. If you factor all that out and don't focus on that side of things, yes, I'm generally happy with who I am as a person. I'm not saying I think I'm "perfect" or that there's absolutely nothing I can do to improve myself in any way, I'm just saying that if you factor out the root of my unhappiness and just look at my real personality towards people, I feel like I should at least be good enough to make friends and date. In other words, while I may not be "perfect", I feel like my personality (again, minus the root of my unhappiness) should be good enough to attract people into my life on a basic level.

 

You are willingly working toward dooming yourself to a sad, lonely miserable life, you are willingly stuck on a woman who doesn't want you and you don't want to figure out what makes you happy. Wouldn't you want a female version of that?

 

You wouldn't be deterred by her sighing and looking longingly at another guy, that devotion only makes her more attractive, no? Working for her doom when she can't have him is just further evidence of the sweet heart she has inside, you can only wish it was you who inspired it. Rather than making herself happy, she just want to figure out what makes him happy, doesn't that make you fantasize how it would be like having her figuring what makes you happy, and maybe if you beg her sweet enough she will even try to be happy too for your sake, so romantic, no?

 

Well, I mean, obviously I wouldn't want to date a girl that's got eyes for someone else. But I'm not exactly TRYING to date other girls right now for them to get stuck going out with a guy who has feelings for someone else like I do. So I'm not putting anyone in that position. If I date someone else, it'll be because that person was so attractive to me that I would've rather had them than the girl I like now. But will that ever happen? I don't know.

 

We always talk about how one (me, in this case) has to make themselves happy, and be happy on their own, rather than being happy due to external validation. And that's all well and good. But isn't happiness very subjective? What makes one person happy might not make another person happy. The truth is, I just don't know what would make me happy, on my own. I mean, yeah, it'd be nice to have a job I enjoy, and to be able to make a good living, and to be able to have a nice home, and whatnot, but I crave human companionship more than anything else. I can be "content" on my own, but "happy"? I don't know. I just can't think of anything that would truly make me happy, truly satisfy me, that would come from me and only me.

 

She never tries anything unless to improve her standing with this guy, so selfless, you can only hope to take his place of this one day because then you can mold her to be exactly like you want her be. She lets her family push her around and manipulate her, never standing up for herself really shows how humble she is, maybe when you two are an item she will allow you to push her around and manipulate her, that could make the relationship interesting, no?

 

Hey, come on, I would never do that to another person. I know I have my problems, but I would never stoop so low as to abuse, manipulate, or "mold" someone else. That's not who I am, nor is that who I ever want to be. I have no desire to "control" or "exert power" over someone else. I want a relationship with someone I can be equals with, someone that can be my best friend and more. I want her to love me for me, not because I "manipulated" her to do so.

 

She thinks her self neglecting and self sacrificing nature makes her a catch and she is so right, that's what makes her so fascinating to you. She says it's unfair that no matter how much she sacrifice to make everyone else happier guys just go for happy girls with less devotion than her and you agree, those guys just don't know what they miss out in her. She says can't see how she can be better than she already is and you just want to tell her it's because she's already perfect, no? Why have the girl you like when you can have a girl like this?

 

Again, I'm not trying to say that I'm "perfect". But when I let my real personality shine through, I think that "me" is a fine "me", a good "me". Yes, I often feed into my unhappiness (which again stems from lack of human companionship), but when I put that aside and just be me, I think I'm a pretty pleasant guy that shouldn't be as alone as I actually am. I'm not saying I can't "improve" who I am, I'm just saying that I don't know what that would look like, so I don't know what I should be aspiring to. I like the real "me" just the way it is, and considering how everyone preaches about how you have to "love yourself", I would've thought that would've been a good thing. Can that "me" be better? I guess so, but again, I can't visualize how so, and thus, I don't know what to improve or how to improve it.

[Wayfara]

But I'm not exactly TRYING to date other girls right now for them to get stuck going out with a guy who has feelings for someone else like I do.

 

If you not trying to find other women to date you can't complain about being dateless, yet you do and say the world is unfair, which means you do think women should go for you even though you are not emotionally there.

 

The truth is, I just don't know what would make me happy, on my own.

 

The major problem isn't that you don't know, it's that you don't even want to figure it out. What woman would want a man that dependent on her to for happiness unless she is a narcissist that enjoys that kind of power? Are narcissistic women the kind you want to attract?

 

Hey, come on, I would never do that to another person. I know I have my problems, but I would never stoop so low as to abuse, manipulate, or "mold" someone else. That's not who I am, nor is that who I ever want to be. I have no desire to "control" or "exert power" over someone else. I want a relationship with someone I can be equals with, someone that can be my best friend and more. I want her to love me for me, not because I "manipulated" her to do so.

 

I was being ironic, because would anyone want to be with someone who has no independent sense of what makes them happy and can't stand up for themselves unless they actually want someone to push around and mold? Most women don't find doormats attractive boyfriend material unless they are looking for a victim to abuse. So what kind of women do you want to attract, kind women or abusive ones?

 

Yes, I often feed into my unhappiness (which again stems from lack of human companionship), but when I put that aside and just be me, I think I'm a pretty pleasant guy that shouldn't be as alone as I actually am.

 

But you are feeding into your unhappiness so it's not strange you are as alone as you are. How pleasant you would be if you overcame your unhappiness is irrelevant if you are not ready to overcome the unhappiness because right now you are not this pleasant guy that you could be.

 

I'm not saying I can't "improve" who I am, I'm just saying that I don't know what that would look like, so I don't know what I should be aspiring to.

 

Becoming independent, gaining confidence, figring out what makes you happy, starting to love yourself, making a decision to stand up for yourself, learning to make bounderies, not following half #1 blindly, ceasing to work for your doom. Nothing that aspires you?

 

I like the real "me" just the way it is, and considering how everyone preaches about how you have to "love yourself", I would've thought that would've been a good thing.

 

You have already said you hate yourself so you liking yourself just the way you are hasn't really helped you with self love. You can realistic about yourself and still choose to love yourself, I know I am a flawed person who needs to improve, that doesn't stop me from loving myself, I want to improve because I love myself. It's like a having a old broken car, you can love and still see how you need to replace the engine and remove the rust and you would do it because you love the car, otherwise you would just leave it at the waste disposal site, regonizing and noticing when something is wrong with your car in fact shows more care for your car than just letting it rot away.

 

It seems to me you telling yourself you are already good enough for a relationship to feed into your anger about not having a relationship, you want to tell yourself you are already good enough so you can say the world is unfair, so you can blame other people for your unhappiness, blame them for not giving you a chance, blame them for not loving yourself because if they only loved then you would yourself too. You don't want to be told it's your personslity that is the problem, you want it to be your appearance because if it's your personality it would be your fault and not the world for being unfair, but if it's your appearance you can blame other people for being superficial. However as you have the same problem with making friends as you have with getting a date it's unlikely your appearance that is your main problem, friends wouldn't care if you are not hot.

 

I do think there is a pleasant MattW behind the anger and unwillingness to change your situation but you can't really expect anyone to befriend or date you until you leave that anger and unwillingness behind.

[penelope13]

but I feel like minus my lack of friends/ social life (which is also where a lot of my general unhappiness stems from), I'm a good, worthwhile guy

 

That's like saying: "If I ignore all my weaknesses, I'm a strong person". Yes, we all would be perfect, if we all just ignored our 'faults, challenges'.

 

Anyway, lunch with the guy went alright. He told me some interesting personal anecdotes about himself, and I told him some about myself. Not really a whole lot to say about it, to be honest.

 

Considering you have zero friends, no social life whatsoever and finally someone invests time and energy into you - that is all the enthusiasm and positivity you can come up with????

 

And just because you haven't seen her in a while????

 

Don't you see that your obsession and limited focus is deterring you from obtaining one of your supposedly major goals: increasing your social activities.

 

Eh, I don't think you can use "going to work" as an example. I mean, that's barely a step up from "basic things you have to do to survive". You HAVE to eat, drink, sleep, and breathe in order to live. Going up to the next level, you basically HAVE to work (and to a lesser extent, get an education) in order to get by.

 

That's where you are completely wrong: for most people, having friends and a social life is AS essential as breathing and eating. That's what they need and require to be a fully functional and happy human being. Thus why they invest the necessary energy to form social bonds and maintain them. Don't confuse this with an inability to be happy by themselves and from within. However, social interaction is a basic human need, thus people are willing to make it work, no matter what the circumstances or how difficult it may be.

 

I'm not saying that her presence makes or breaks my day. I mean, I can get along just fine, and I don't exactly spiral out into depression from not seeing her

 

You may not sit in a corner and cry all day and you may go through the motions of getting out of bed and to work, however, you have apparently a limited knowledge what depression may entail:

 

Depression = absence of ability to derive pleasure from any (or hardly) activities

Depression = lack of energy for activities and social interactions

Depression = limited amount of energy throughout the day

Depression = limited cognitive abilities such as issues with memory and focus

Depression = lack of motivation for anything beyond necessities

 

 

 

I'm mainly unhappy due to loneliness, though. I'm unhappy because I can't connect with people properly, that I can't attract people into my life, that I can't make friends, that I can't date. If you factor all that out and don't focus on that side of things, yes, I'm generally happy with who I am as a person

 

This is just circular thinking in order to avoid having to take any kind of action to improve your situation: you complain that you are unhappy, but when you receive suggestions how to change that, then you claim all of a sudden that you are actually happy ... when you ignore the 95% of the times that you are unhappy.....

 

 

You know, you can continue to believe that everyone is wrong, and that you are right with your logic and reasoning ... however, all these wrong people probably hug and/or kiss someone Happy New Year tonight. You may want to consider joining 'the wrong crowd'.

[Batya33]

Mattw -one great take away from your long diatribes is that you can no longer do the "poor me" and "everyone else gets to do _____" - you've acknowledged many times over that it is your choices to act and not act that have resulted in your situation with which you're unhappy. Without that weapon at your disposal "it's not me, it's them/the world/my mother/my boss" and "life isn't fair, I have it so much worse" perhaps you'll be forced to confront making choices that actually progress towards growth rather than wheel-spinning.

[MattW]

If you not trying to find other women to date you can't complain about being dateless, yet you do and say the world is unfair, which means you do think women should go for you even though you are not emotionally there.

 

What I mean is, the girls I encounter never stir up any attraction in me, and in turn, I get "stuck" on the very few girls I like. In other words, I'm not looking to date right now because I never feel attracted to any of the girls I encounter, so I continue to remain attached to the few girls (this one in particular) I do like. Basically, I'm not complaining that no one will date me or that the world is unfair, I'm just frustrated that when I DO encounter and meet girls, I never find them attractive to the point of wanting to date them. Most people can be attracted to others fairly often even if for just light casual dating, me on the other hand, I can go years without finding a girl I like enough that I even want to go on a date with.

 

Perhaps if my sense of attraction wasn't so... specific, I might not be hung up on this one girl, but I'm just never interested in dating 99% of the girls I come accross. Most girls just seem sort of "boring" to me, and I don't mean that in a bad, mean-spirited way. I'm not looking for some kind of wild and crazy adventurous girl, but most girls just don't pique my interest much at all. This girl I'm stuck on, though, I've always found her quite fascinating, her personality, what's going on in her life, her thoughts and ideas, her hopes and dreams, everything. I could go on dates with a bunch of girls I'm not that interested in (apparently that's the "normal" thing to do...?), but I don't feel like that would be very fun for me; I'd much rather go out with a girl that interests me, but those girls are very few and far between.

 

The major problem isn't that you don't know, it's that you don't even want to figure it out. What woman would want a man that dependent on her to for happiness unless she is a narcissist that enjoys that kind of power? Are narcissistic women the kind you want to attract?

 

"Figure it out" how, though? Aside from my lack of a social life, I'm pretty content with my life. I have my videos games, comic books, and Netflix to entertain me, and I have my YouTube channel to provide a creative outlet for myself. I generally enjoy going to class, and I feel like I have a direction, in terms of career. I'm okay with all of these things the way they are. There really isn't anything else I'm particularly interested in trying out for myself, or anything like that. Without some kind of interest, what am I supposed to do? Just randomly go out and do things I don't care much about, and hope that maybe one of them will stick? How is that any better than, say, dating/ sleeping with a bunch of random women in hopes that it might fill the void in one's life? Seems like the same basic idea, to me.

 

I'm not looking for anyone else to provide me happiness, I just feel like my life is "out of balance" between myself and my peers. My life is pretty much 99% me and 1% social life. If I'm unhappy with anything, it's that ratio. Couldn't it be that I'm not "unhappy", but rather, I'm just sick of focusing exclusively on myself and my life, and I just need human companionship (platonic and romantic) to bring more of a sense of balance to my life?

 

Becoming independent, gaining confidence, figring out what makes you happy, starting to love yourself, making a decision to stand up for yourself, learning to make bounderies, not following half #1 blindly, ceasing to work for your doom. Nothing that aspires you?

 

What I'm saying is that I can't really visualize what any of that would look like for myself, and thus, it's hard for me to think about what to do differently.

 

You have already said you hate yourself so you liking yourself just the way you are hasn't really helped you with self love. You can realistic about yourself and still choose to love yourself, I know I am a flawed person who needs to improve, that doesn't stop me from loving myself, I want to improve because I love myself. It's like a having a old broken car, you can love and still see how you need to replace the engine and remove the rust and you would do it because you love the car, otherwise you would just leave it at the waste disposal site, regonizing and noticing when something is wrong with your car in fact shows more care for your car than just letting it rot away.

 

It seems to me you telling yourself you are already good enough for a relationship to feed into your anger about not having a relationship, you want to tell yourself you are already good enough so you can say the world is unfair, so you can blame other people for your unhappiness, blame them for not giving you a chance, blame them for not loving yourself because if they only loved then you would yourself too. You don't want to be told it's your personslity that is the problem, you want it to be your appearance because if it's your personality it would be your fault and not the world for being unfair, but if it's your appearance you can blame other people for being superficial. However as you have the same problem with making friends as you have with getting a date it's unlikely your appearance that is your main problem, friends wouldn't care if you are not hot.

 

I do think there is a pleasant MattW behind the anger and unwillingness to change your situation but you can't really expect anyone to befriend or date you until you leave that anger and unwillingness behind.

 

Typically, when I say I "hate" myself, I'm generally referring to the bad things about me, my problems, my bad habits, that kind of stuff. Basically, I mean that I hate that "half #1" that I described. But I really do like "half #2", and think he's a good person just the way he is. "Half #1" is the unwilling one, and "half #2" is the one that's angry at half #1 for being the way he is. I want to let go of these problems, and I'd love to be able to just start fresh, with a clean slate, but I keep succumbing to my issues. As much as I want to stop them, I just keep succumbing to them.

[enalover143]

Beautifully said, nailed it.

[enalover143]

This is just circular thinking in order to avoid having to take any kind of action to improve your situation: you complain that you are unhappy, but when you receive suggestions how to change that, then you claim all of a sudden that you are actually happy ... when you ignore the 95% of the times that you are unhappy.....

 

Another great analysis. Matt you lie to yourself whenever it is convenient / suitable. This is getting you nowhere.

[enalover143]

You know, you can continue to believe that everyone is wrong, and that you are right with your logic and reasoning ... however, all these wrong people probably hug and/or kiss someone Happy New Year tonight. You may want to consider joining 'the wrong crowd'.

 

Ouch! Very true though. Matt, is this what you want tonight? What are you doing tonight anyways out of curiosity? Is it the kind of New Year's Eve you want? If not, why not hm?

[Deciduous]

Top, top, top post!!! She nailed it!!

 

Hi Mattw.

 

Are you seriously going to discredit one word, one comma, of penelope's post? Really? Think hard now? Are you going to waste one symbol, one full stop, one exlcamation, putting together a counter-argument, then cutting and pasting, whilst the clock ticks down on your life. Time is not standing still, sweetie. Another year has gone. Another one begins.

 

Happy New Year, mattw

 

Deci

[enalover143]

Typically, when I say I "hate" myself, I'm generally referring to the bad things about me, my problems, my bad habits, that kind of stuff. Basically, I mean that I hate that "half #1" that I described. But I really do like "half #2", and think he's a good person just the way he is. "Half #1" is the unwilling one, and "half #2" is the one that's angry at half #1 for being the way he is. I want to let go of these problems, and I'd love to be able to just start fresh, with a clean slate, but I keep succumbing to my issues. As much as I want to stop them, I just keep succumbing to them.

 

Sorry dude, a person who wants to "prove themselves wrong" by "dying old and alone" and who has contemplated suicide (as inferred both explicitly and implicitly in many of your threads of the years), is NOT a happy person overall. Yeah you might be happy with your videogames, movies, YouTube, but those are extrinsic not intrinsic factors of happiness. They're just things, objects. You are not a happy person Matt, you just don't want to face it because it would be too much for you to handle the reality.

[MattW]

Top, top, top post!!! She nailed it!!

 

Hi Mattw.

 

Are you seriously going to discredit one word, one comma, of penelope's post? Really? Think hard now? Are you going to waste one symbol, one full stop, one exlcamation, putting together a counter-argument, then cutting and pasting, whilst the clock ticks down on your life. Time is not standing still, sweetie. Another year has gone. Another one begins.

 

Happy New Year, mattw

 

Deci

 

No, I'm not going to discredit any of it. For as much resistance as I put up, you guys don't really believe I think everything you guys say is "wrong", do you? I don't think anything penelope wrote there is "wrong".

 

I think, though, that I'm simply addicted to misery, to pain. As much as I lament about it, I'm completely addicted to the idea of being miserable, of hurting, of heartache, of crying myself to sleep most nights. I'm so addicted that I just don't want to actually consider anything else. As sick and twisted as it is, I think what I really want most is simply to suffer. So that's what I do.

 

Ouch! Very true though. Matt, is this what you want tonight? What are you doing tonight anyways out of curiosity? Is it the kind of New Year's Eve you want? If not, why not hm?

 

I'm doing the same thing I do every New Year's: Nothing. When you don't have friends to spend it with, what's the point of doing anything for the event? If you have friends, it's a nice easy little occasion to get together with them for. If you don't have anyone, it's just another day. I don't even stay up til midnight for it. Why should I really care to stay up? Of course I wish I had friends to do something with tonight, and a lady to be able to kiss at midnight. But I don't, and I certainly don't see myself getting any in the next eight hours.

[bulletproof]

In a romantic capacity, yes, but you can still enjoy someone's company a lot even if they don't quite have you on the same level.

Not really, no. There's a vast difference between enjoying someone's company when you see them on occasion, and being sad because you don't see that person for a week. Friends usually feel generally the same about each other. When there's an imbalance, that's unhealthy.

 

 

I'm mainly unhappy due to loneliness, though. I'm unhappy because I can't connect with people properly, that I can't attract people into my life, that I can't make friends, that I can't date. If you factor all that out and don't focus on that side of things, yes, I'm generally happy with who I am as a person. I'm not saying I think I'm "perfect" or that there's absolutely nothing I can do to improve myself in any way, I'm just saying that if you factor out the root of my unhappiness and just look at my real personality towards people, I feel like I should at least be good enough to make friends and date. In other words, while I may not be "perfect", I feel like my personality (again, minus the root of my unhappiness) should be good enough to attract people into my life on a basic level.

Once again you're using extremes to make an invalid point. Nobody here has said you need to be perfect. And the root of your unhappiness is not that you're lonely- it's that you refuse to take the necessary steps to no longer feel lonely. And btw, the interests you've listed (comics, Netflix, etc.) are all pretty passive. They don't require you to interact with real humans at all. Now, if you were in a group that liked comics, or a movie meetup, that would be different. But you're not. You're simply doing things that require little to no effort on your end to interact. And other people don't find extremely passive individuals to be all that interesting.

 

And, as someone has pointed out, if you have considered killing yourself, you're not happy.