Journaling my "personal growth"

[bulletproof]

Eh, rather than make excuses, can I just say that I don't want to? I don't mean it in an arrogant, disrespectful, insensitive way, or anything, I just... don't want to do that kind of thing. Again, that's not me saying I'm "above" that or that they don't "deserve" my time, I just don't really want to do that.

 

I sincerely hope that you don't find yourself in a position someday where you need the services of volunteers. If you do, you might look back to the time when you were 25 and had the extra energy and time to help someone but still chose not to.

 

Of course you can say that you don't want to. You can say anything you want- that's the beauty of living in this country. But don't be surprised if that approach to life ("I just don't want to do it") puts you in the same exact position next year.

[MattW]

Well, again, I don't mean it in a bad way, or anything. Volunteering like that just isn't for me. Kudos to those that do it, more power to them, I say. My heart just wouldn't be in it, and they deserve to have people that WANT to be there, and that's just not something I can provide for them.

 

Anyways, I wasn't trying to make it sound "miserable", I just wish I had family, friends, and/ or an awesome girl to spend the holidays with. Heck, I miss the way the holidays used to be when I was a kid, where my extended family would come in to visit and I'd get to see my cousins and my aunts and uncles, and whatnot. I miss having a "family", and I wish I knew what that felt like again. But, my family probably won't ever work out their various feuds and hatreds, so I can't see myself ever knowing what it's like to have that kind of "family" time ever again. It's just sad that that family stuff is now just childhood memories and not something I get to experience anymore.

[Batya33]

Actually to work at a soup kitchen your heart doesn't have to be in it. You're able-bodied, you have no plans -make yourself useful IMO. I don't think those people who are eating will know or care whether the guy chopping veggies or serving turkey has his "heart" in it. But sure, wallow in self-pity about your Norman Rockwell holiday of the past rather than extending yourself just a bit to help someone else. That's what is sad, not that your family is dysfunctional which is true of many of us (yes, that is sad too, I'm just giving my opinion on comparing the two).

[bulletproof]

Anyways, I wasn't trying to make it sound "miserable", I just wish I had family, friends, and/ or an awesome girl to spend the holidays with.

 

Wishing isn't going to make it happen. You could have all those things if you stepped outside of your comfort zone, which is what something like volunteering would do for you. Furthermore, I highly doubt that the hungry people who need help on days like Christmas mind whether your heart is in it or not.

[penelope13]

fantastic, you have an entire day without any obligations, without anything on your agenda - perfect opportunity to read up on the things that were suggested to you!

 

if you can't remember what - read through this thread. being faced with your own responses may help you to start being more accountable for your own thoughts and choices and may give you a bit of a different perspective of how you come accross to others.

[MattW]

@Batya and bulletproof

 

Well, look, I'm not looking to argue about it, or anything, it's just not something I have the interest in doing. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad person, or anything, but it's just not something for me.

 

On a completely different note, I'm in a major panic right now. Apparently, the place I went for a therapy session a few months ago sent a letter to my home today, and my mom just now informed me that it came and that she opened it. She said to me "Your 'mentally ill' stuff came today..." and I was confused, and she said "You signed up to see some kind of therapist", and then just sort of tossed the letter at me and walked away.

 

Now I'm freaking out, because this means she's probably going to try to discuss this with me, and I just wanted all of this to be private, I didn't want her or anyone else to know about it. Now I have to figure out what to say to her, and how to handle this, and I just feel sick to my stomach right now.

[bulletproof]

Well, look, I'm not looking to argue about it, or anything, it's just not something I have the interest in doing. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad person, or anything, but it's just not something for me.

 

There's nothing to argue about. And you are victimizing yourself again by saying that we suggested you're a "bad person." Nobody said anything close to that. But understand that if you are going to complain about your lack of things to do on a holiday, people are going to suggest ways for you to improve that situation.

[MattW]

I didn't say anyone suggested I was a bad person, that was purely me saying as such, because I feel like there's no way to shoot down the idea of doing volunteer work without sounding like a horrible monster. I mean it in the nicest way I possibly can.

 

Anyway, I can't focus on this conversation anymore, because all I can think about right now is how I'm going to deal with my mother.

[penelope13]

why is your mother opening letters addressed to you?

 

what does the letter say?

[MattW]

why is your mother opening letters addressed to you?

 

what does the letter say?

 

She claims she mistook it for some medical bill she was waiting for. The letter itself was basically a "Thank you for choosing for your counseling services" type letter.

[penelope13]

try not to work yourself into a knot about this. she may not want to discuss this at all. if she brings it up say firmly "i don't want to discuss this". you are an adult, she can't force you to talk.

[bulletproof]

I didn't say anyone suggested I was a bad person, that was purely me saying as such, because I feel like there's no way to shoot down the idea of doing volunteer work without sounding like a horrible monster. I mean it in the nicest way I possibly can.

 

Anyway, I can't focus on this conversation anymore, because all I can think about right now is how I'm going to deal with my mother.

 

Again, nobody thinks you're a horrible monster. What they think is that you are unwilling to step outside your comfort zone, or to see yourself as anything more than a victim. Which is exactly what was stated.

 

And there's nothing to "deal" with about your mother. You're a 25-year-old man. She can't make you do anything. And perhaps this is a big motivator to think about moving out.

[MattW]

try not to work yourself into a knot about this. she may not want to discuss this at all. if she brings it up say firmly "i don't want to discuss this". you are an adult, she can't force you to talk.

 

And there's nothing to "deal" with about your mother. You're a 25-year-old man. She can't make you do anything.

 

True, but she's good at poking and pressing my buttons and not letting things go. Even if I try to ignore her, she'll probably keep prodding me with backhanded comments about me being "mentally ill".

 

And perhaps this is a big motivator to think about moving out.

 

I want to, but I just couldn't sustain it right now.

[enalover143]

Look, I get if you don't want to volunteer at the soup kitchen tomorrow and want some downtime to yourself. No one is judging you for that, although undoubtedly it is another one of those eye-opening experiences that would benefit you that you yet again reject.

 

But given you want "small steps", I won't harp on that. However, penelope is totally right...you have a FULL FREE day to yourself...that's AMPLE time to read up, learn, and research many of the things suggested to you. Be it positive self-talk videos, or finding a new therapist, or researching what cool/fun places around town you could try. There is ZERO excuse not to do any of that tomorrow. You seriously going to spend the whole day playing video games? I mean, by all means, take a couple hours to relax and enjoy them. But the whole day? How does that get you closer to any of your alleged goals?

[MattW]

So, despite me declining to talk about it, my mom kept poking at the subject of the letter. I finally just told her that I haven't been feeling "good" for a long time, and that from what I've read, it sounds like I have clinical depression, to which she pretty much just told me how stupid all of that is. She then made it all about her, and how she's depressed, and how my dad is depressed, and how being depressed is just "part of life". She told me how therapy costs money, and that she'd rather me save my money towards buying a new car (she's REALLY been pushing the new car thing for a long time, now, but it's just not a priority to me right now; the car I have is fine).

 

She then went into this big tirade about how I ruined Christmas because of this, and how upset she is, and how she was up sick all night throwing up because of me, and whatnot. So, I just feel really bummed out right now. I mean, it's kind of exactly how I expected her to respond to all of this, but it still makes me really sad.

[Batya33]

Yes that's why I posted what I did -you presented your plan to play games all day as something bad and unfortunate so I made an alternative suggestion and the best you could come up with was that to serve food your heart has to be in it. It's fine to have downtime -not fine to complain about it and have a pity party then come up with a lame excuse when an alternative is presented.

As far as your mother- great sign that you need to move out on your own. I'm sorry she had a pity party about it- now you see what that looks like from outside youself. Obviously I feel badly for her too to an extent but most of this is an immature guilt trip.

 

Maybe start researching your options for moving out today (not to move out today, just research)

[blueidealist24]

If your mother threw up all night like that because of that letter, then she has just as many problems mentally as you do, if not more. She's probably exacerbating yours. I agree with Batya that you should start researching your options for moving out, even if it's to a room in a house with some strangers. Your mom should not be opening your mail when you're 25 years old, and I doubt it was an accident, given the personality you've described your mother as having, and the reaction she had once she read the letter. Did your father say anything?

[MattW]

I agree with Batya that you should start researching your options for moving out, even if it's to a room in a house with some strangers.

 

I guess. I mean, I do want to get out, I just can't convince myself that living with people I'm not close with in any way is a good idea. My trust issues with people in general make that terrifying. I'm not even sure I'd want to live with any of my current acquaintances that I kinda know, let alone people I don't know at all. Granted, I know living at home is doing a really bad number on my mental health and development, but at least there's familiarity there. I can go to sleep at night without having to worry that the person I'm living with may do something to me, for example. I'd much rather live alone, right now, at least until I can find people I feel more trusting towards.

 

Did your father say anything?

 

Nah, he typically stays out of things like this. I don't think he really knows how to handle stuff, so he just keeps to himself and bows out, and my mom does whatever she wants to do.

 

I dunno, I just haven't been able to shake off the negative feelings I've been feeling from this situation. I know I can't even be shocked by the way my mom behaves, not after having seen her for what she is over the last number of years, but it still hurts on such a deep level. The fact that she opens a letter addressed to me, the fact that she has a meltdown about it (or at least, claims to in order to make me feel bad), the fact that she browbeats me for it, the fact that she trivializes my issues, the fact that she calls it "stupid", the fact that she says I "ruined Christmas"...

 

I just don't get it. I mean, I get that my lack of social life and love life is pretty much all on me, but what did I do to deserve the family situation I have? What did I do to deserve being "blacklisted" by my extended family? What did I do to deserve a mother who not only holds onto me so tightly but also does so much to make me feel bad? That's why the whole "alone" thing scares me, because most people can rest easy knowing that even if they never find a lover, they always have friends and family to provide human companionship in their lives. Me, I suck at making friends, and my family is more bad than good for me. Why do I not deserve to, at the very least, at the absolute minimum, have a family that loves and supports me?

[Batya33]

"Why do I not deserve to, at the very least, at the absolute minimum, have a family that loves and supports me?"

 

Ironic that you should make that comment on the same day you claim that your heart is not in helping to feed people who likely have no family support.

 

Once again -the pity party will get you nowhere fast. Focus on what you can do, what you can change and refuse to indulge in victimhood. You can do it. I don't think your excuses for moving out make any sense given your home life now. Think about how "familiarity" is working as far as personal growth. Sounds like it's not.

[enalover143]

Why do I not deserve to, at the very least, at the absolute minimum, have a family that loves and supports me?

 

As always, no one said you don't deserve love or a supportive family. Everyone does. You are doing your pity party thing again, just like your mom. You realize how much like her you are right? Do you really want to be the same as her? I don't think you do.

 

As bad as things are, it is what it is, as the saying goes. You can choose to wallow and pity yourself forever, or put it aside and actually do something to improve your life. Concrete action always beats moping and dwelling on negative feelings.

[MattW]

"Why do I not deserve to, at the very least, at the absolute minimum, have a family that loves and supports me?"

 

Ironic that you should make that comment on the same day you claim that your heart is not in helping to feed people who likely have no family support.

 

*sigh* Look, you think I don't feel bad for rejecting the idea of volunteering for those in need? Believe me, the irony isn't lost on me, and yes, I do feel bad for being so averse to the idea of volunteering. And no offense, but do you really need to kick me while I'm down? I've had more than enough of my share of people guilting me and making me feel bad about things, for Christmas today, even if you have a valid point, it doesn't exactly help to remind me right now that I'm too selfish to volunteer for those in need today.

 

Once again -the pity party will get you nowhere fast. Focus on what you can do, what you can change and refuse to indulge in victimhood. You can do it. I don't think your excuses for moving out make any sense given your home life now. Think about how "familiarity" is working as far as personal growth. Sounds like it's not.

 

I'm sorry, okay? It's hard not to feel bad. I'm not trying to "have a pity party", or "play the victim". How can I feel anything but bad when my own mother, the only person I actually have in my life, expresses such harsh sentiments towards me, on Christmas day, no less? I'm sorry I can't exactly just shrug it off and go about my business...

 

And I get where you're coming from about moving out. I understand that one has to go out of their comfort zone in order to grow and bring about change, but I'm not the type that can survive just being thrown into the deep end, so to speak. The thought of living with someone I don't know very well or at all is absolutely terrifying to me, so terrifying that I refuse to even consider the idea. I just don't have a good grip on my trust issues to be able to entertain that idea. Yes, it doesn't do me any good to continue living at home with my family situation, but the alternative is living in constant fear and paranoia that the stranger(s) I live with might do something horrible to me, and that just doesn't seem like much of a step up to me.

[Batya33]

"do you really need to kick me while I'm down"

 

I don't think I did. I think you choose your pity parties - you should feel whatever you feel but it's essential you find a way to work on how you react to how you feel if you're to grow/change. If you feel you would be in constant fear/paranoia in a roommate situation then I definitely think you need professional help. My guess is you're escalating the fear -telling yourself it's that bad -so you can continue in your comfort zone.

 

No need to shrug things off. Also no need to have a pity party. Lots of gray area in between. And certainly if you choose to live there you choose the downside.

[blueidealist24]

I guess. I mean, I do want to get out, I just can't convince myself that living with people I'm not close with in any way is a good idea. My trust issues with people in general make that terrifying. I'm not even sure I'd want to live with any of my current acquaintances that I kinda know, let alone people I don't know at all. Granted, I know living at home is doing a really bad number on my mental health and development, but at least there's familiarity there. I can go to sleep at night without having to worry that the person I'm living with may do something to me, for example. I'd much rather live alone, right now, at least until I can find people I feel more trusting towards.

 

 

Renting a random room in a house doesn't necessarily mean you need to get close to the people there or even talk to them that much. In one of the student housing places I lived, I barely even got to know the other people. I already had friends in my own program, so I didn't really feel that I needed to. Everyone had cooking appliances in their rooms, and the doors locked. The only common area was the laundry room. It was kind of the same in one of the houses my friend lived in. They did share a kitchen and acted civil toward each other in there, but she had a basement room and barely talked to anyone or spent any time in the shared area. Granted, not all places are like that but some are, if you look for something like a "quiet atmosphere."

[bulletproof]

I'm sorry, okay? It's hard not to feel bad. I'm not trying to "have a pity party", or "play the victim". How can I feel anything but bad when my own mother, the only person I actually have in my life, expresses such harsh sentiments towards me, on Christmas day, no less? I'm sorry I can't exactly just shrug it off and go about my business...

 

But actually... you can. You can just shrug it off. This is where the idea of choice comes into play. And while you may not actively be trying to have a pity party or play the victim, that's what's happening.

 

So basically, you are at an impasse again. Your choices are as follows: stay living with your family (which at 25, and considering your family situation, is probably not a good idea; move out on your own (which you are unable to do financially) or move in with others, which you refuse to do.

 

There is no fourth choice. So while you may get sympathy from others regarding your family dynamic, that sympathy means nothing. It doesn't change things. It doesn't make you feel better, or if it does, it's short-lived. And the reason you're not getting a lot of it here is because we know that it will not ultimately help you.

[bulletproof]

...but I'm not the type that can survive just being thrown into the deep end...

 

You have to get out of this mindset that you are a type of anything. You choose what type of person you are. The word type implies that you have no control over the situation, over who you are, over what your life is. And that isn't true.