Journaling my "personal growth"

[Batya33]

I think at this point given the OP's opinions he wrote above and the fact that none of us is a professional therapist (and even if one of us was we shouldn't be giving out professional advice in this context) I think what's best to do is what has been done the last few days until and unless the OP takes actual steps towards personal growth. Then of course the responses can be a team effort with the OP relevant to those steps.

[MattW]

I think at this point given the OP's opinions he wrote above and the fact that none of us is a professional therapist (and even if one of us was we shouldn't be giving out professional advice in this context) I think what's best to do is what has been done the last few days until and unless the OP takes actual steps towards personal growth. Then of course the responses can be a team effort with the OP relevant to those steps.

 

And what, exactly, is the problem with the views I expressed? Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, that's the truth about the way the world works. The cold, hard truth. But I get it... No one wants to have that "bubble" burst for them, everyone would rather live in their little fantasy lands. People don't take kindly to hearing the truth, the truth that the world is a lot more dreary and mechanical than they like to pretend that it is.

[Deciduous]

I think at this point given the OP's opinions he wrote above and the fact that none of us is a professional therapist (and even if one of us was we shouldn't be giving out professional advice in this context) I think what's best to do is what has been done the last few days until and unless the OP takes actual steps towards personal growth. Then of course the responses can be a team effort with the OP relevant to those steps.

 

Agreed. Batya, may I PM you.

[enalover143]

I think at this point given the OP's opinions he wrote above and the fact that none of us is a professional therapist (and even if one of us was we shouldn't be giving out professional advice in this context) I think what's best to do is what has been done the last few days until and unless the OP takes actual steps towards personal growth. Then of course the responses can be a team effort with the OP relevant to those steps.

 

Dear posters / ENA team,

 

I also agree with Batya. Please do not fall for the OP's baiting tactics and attempts to engage in controversial debate the past few days. I am sure you have all noticed the sudden ramp-up in extreme views and negative behaviour. The OP has proven his current true motive, which is a path of self-destruction and attempt to suck people into a long battle over his views. Hence the purposeful posting of inflammatory comments, meant to incite and draw attention.

 

When the OP is ready to put on his big boy pants and come to the adult table for grown-up conversation, the community will be very happy to help again. Remember, currently this is no longer a thread about "personal growth", but about self-abuse and negativity. When the OP is ready to change his life again, people will be glad to offer constructive advice. Until then, remember there are thousands others on this site who WANT to be helped. The OP is just as deserving of help, but he doesn't want it right now, so do not waste time being pulled into protracted debates that will result in nothing positive.

 

Batya is right, it is important to hold strong and steady, as has happened the past few days. Again, it is like an addict, addicted to drama, we want to get the addict off it, and it is important we do not enable. Notice that, since Thursday night, the OP has been posting negatively here all weekend, while the rest of posters were out and about their lives, enjoying their activities. Of course, no one can stop anyone from posting, but realize this thread is currently a time-sink. When the OP is ready to want it again, ENA will be here, but not until then.

 

Cheers!

[MattW]

When the OP is ready to put on his big boy pants and come to the adult table for grown-up conversation, the community will be very happy to help again.

 

I see you're still trying to trivialize what I say with cute little euphemisms equating me to a child. That's just adorable.

[MattW]

Just FYI... Even if I had any interest whatsoever in pursuing therapy, I just found out that my insurance does not cover the expenses, and I simply can't afford it out of my pocket. So that's a no-go regardless of how I feel about it. Maybe that will at least get you guys off my back about that...

[MattW]

Yanno, it's too bad people are so unwilling to be receptive of the truth, like I am. If only people would listen to my message, perhaps the world would be a better place. It's so very sad to me to see the world continuing to live in blissful ignorance, ignorance of the fact that the lives they live are a lie. I wish so badly that I could save the world, save everyone from the lies they're living, but I suppose everyone would rather continue being sheep, being puppets, than to open their eyes.

[MattW]

So I have to ask, for the sake of my own morbid curiosity... What's the goal of this whole "silent treatment" you're all giving me? Do you expect that if you just ignore me, I'll eventually go away? I hate to disappoint you, but that's just not going to happen. I can keep going, and going, and going, and going... I'm not really sure what you guys hope to accomplish with this silly little exercise.

[MattW]

So, tomorrow, for the first time in almost a month, I'll be seeing the girl from work. I'll be interested to see how I deal with it, considering how strongly I felt for her.

 

On the other hand, that was when I was a sheep that believed in love and meaningful relationships with people. I now recognize that this girl is just another faceless girl, another person who is simply looking to fulfill her animalistic need to mate, in her case, with guys who are good-looking and macho. She's just another animal.

[Batya33]

I'm not doing any treatment. I'll respond when I can help, and I explained in a previous post when I believe I would be able to help.

[MattW]

I'm not doing any treatment. I'll respond when I can help, and I explained in a previous post when I believe I would be able to help.

 

Ah, yes, the whole "me taking actual steps towards personal growth" thing. Like I said, though, even if I wanted to, therapy is not an option, because my insurance won't cover it and I can't pay for it out of my pocket.

 

Besides, I would argue that I have had "personal growth" over the last few days (or week). Perhaps it's been in a direction you guys don't approve of, but I feel like I've "seen the light" and know the truth about the world now. How is that not growth?

[blueidealist24]

Ah, yes, the whole "me taking actual steps towards personal growth" thing. Like I said, though, even if I wanted to, therapy is not an option, because my insurance won't cover it and I can't pay for it out of my pocket.

 

Besides, I would argue that I have had "personal growth" over the last few days (or week). Perhaps it's been in a direction you guys don't approve of, but I feel like I've "seen the light" and know the truth about the world now. How is that not growth?

 

Maybe that is the truth about the world. Maybe it is a negative place where bad things happen more than good. As for more growth, you need to think about what you can do to try to change that, even if the changes are only tiny and only affect a small number of people.. even if they affect only you.

[MattW]

Maybe that is the truth about the world. Maybe it is a negative place where bad things happen more than good. As for more growth, you need to think about what you can do to try to change that, even if the changes are only tiny and only affect a small number of people.. even if they affect only you.

 

Hah. Unfortunately, I can't change the way the world works, or the way people are. Can't exactly change human nature. So, basically all I can really do is sit by and watch people be the animals they are. Truth be told, I don't really think there's anything for me in this world. I don't like how the world is and how people are. And I can't change that, so... Why am I here? Hm. I wonder.

[MattW]

Thanks a lot for hiding me away in some corner of the site just because people didn't like what I had to say, ENA. As far as I'm aware, I never broke any rules, yet I get shoved away against my wishes. That's just awesome. What a complete joke this is.

 

You might as well just shut down this topic, because I'm not posting in this one again. But if you think this is going to silence me, you're wrong. Hell, I'll just break my promise of never starting another thread here. We can go back to the days where I start threads that go dozens of pages, if that's what you want. I made this thread to contain it all in one place, but I'll gladly start spreading the "love" again.

[MattW]

I've come here to say goodbye. But before I do, there's a lot I'd like to say, and I hope those of you that have followed my posts over the years will read this.

 

First and foremost, I want to apologize. I realize that I've been a nuisance since day one, here at ENA. Part of that is the cycle of problems I keep myself trapped in, and yes, part of it is due simply to the fact that I'm alone, and that I craved attention, and this place gave me a chance to talk to people and feel like I wasn't completely alone in the world.

 

BrianH, as well as others, have pointed out my bad qualities. That I'm stubborn, immature, and arrogant, among other things, and that I need to mature and change those things. I get the "stubborn" bit, and I've admitted to as much in the past, but as for the rest, I simply don't see it. I'm not saying they're not true, but just that I don't see it. And when I don't see it, I see no reason to "change". I see myself as stubborn, yes, but I see myself more as someone that's naive, timid, inexperienced, someone that consistently fails to connect with people, someone that always fails to make any kind of meaningful mark on anyone's life enough for them to want to invite me into their life.

 

I understand that my faults are on me, that it's on me to make a better life for myself. But to some extent, you guys have to understand that this is all I know. I grew up watching my extended family drift away and eventually grow to want nothing to do with me. I grew up watching my mom mentally and emotionally abuse my father. I grew up with a mother that conditioned me to be terrified of the outside world, terrified of people, terrified of taking any kind of risks whatsoever. I went through high school being surrounded by a group of people that made my life absolute hell for four years, and the people I tried to reach out to at the time refused to be there for me. As an adult, I came to see how dishonest and manipulative my mother is; she uses and abuses me just like she does with my dad. She discourages me from doing much of anything, especially things that might better my life, and because that's all I know, I continue to feed into that. The people I've tried to connect with and make friendships with over the last couple of years have all lacked interest and have pretty much drifted out of my life. I found a girl I was so completely in love with, and then not only did I have to deal with her rejection, but I also had to deal with watching as she chose instead to date guys that just made no sense to me whatsoever.

 

I'm not trying to place blame on other things. I'm simply trying to get accross that this is all I know. Fear, abuse, failure, rejection, heartbreak. I'm not arguing that it's on me to get my life in order, but to some extent, I feel like I just don't know any better. I don't know what "healthy" looks like. I'm completely surrounded by "unhealthy", and the few "healthy" people that are present in my life don't want anything to do with me. I don't have any kind of role model, I don't have anyone to give me any kind of inspiration, I don't have anyone to show me what "healthy" and "happy" is supposed to look like. It's like telling a person to draw a dog, when that person has never seen a dog in their entire life.

 

I gave up on therapy after one session because I just couldn't make a commitment to it. I wasn't open to it, and I didn't see any value in it for myself. I understand that my thinking is misguided in that aspect, but I just didn't want to do it. And now, as I've learned, my insurance doesn't cover therapy payments, and I can't afford it on my own. So therapy is simply not an option for me at this point in time. What options that leaves me with, if any, I don't know.

 

With the issues I have, I've simply never actually been "open" to the suggestions and various things all of you have offered me over the years. I wanted to believe I could be open to all of it, but when push came to shove, I just was not. And understandably, pretty much all of you made the decision to walk away. I, however, did not respond well to this. I snapped, and I decided to "become a monster", because if I couldn't get people to love me, I figured I could get people to hate me; at least that would've been something. I started posting all these horrible posts, with these dark, dreary, depressing ideas behind them, I started replying to other threads simply to share my miserable outlooks. I wanted everyone to just hate me. More than that, I simply wanted attention.

 

So I've burnt all my bridges here. Or, rather, people have said that they can't speak to me until I'm willing to take action. And as badly as I WANT to commit and take action and better my life, I simply can't make those promises. I can say that I want to, but I can't say that I will, unfortunately.

 

And offline, things are still pretty bleak. My family life is completely hopeless. My mom is never going to change. The people I wanted to make friends with are gone. I still have the one guy from work, but we've only hung out once, and while we both keep mentioning hanging out more, neither of us ever actually offers up any plans. I'm still very attached to the girl I like, and it pains me to know that I barely get to see her anymore; it also pains me to know that despite having agreed once not too long to stay in touch, that chances are, we probably won't, and that she'll just be gone one day without me having even gotten to say goodbye. When she's gone for good, I know that I'm going to spiral out again, I know I'm going to take it hard, and I'm going to be upset about it for a very, very long time. I don't want to say goodbye to her, but I don't know what else I can do at this point.

 

So here I am, ready to leave this place once and for all. I got into a bit of a fight with one of the mods here for moving this journal, and after he closed my more recent topic, I had planned to act out, respond to other peoples' topics in snarky ways such as "I would offer my opinion, but I'm sure the mods would just delete it", and whatnot. But I simply don't have the energy or the desire to continue down that road.

 

For me, this is basically a "This is the bed I made, now it's time to lye in it" situation. I understand the lonely life I've carved out for myself is my fault, and now it's time I accept it, and learn to live with it.

 

I don't expect anybody to do so (and I completely understand if anyone does not want to), but if anyone here has any interest in staying in contact with me once I leave ENA, shoot my a PM and I'll send you my e-mail address. I've reached out to a few of you already and offered it, so if anyone else is interested, just let me know.

 

kamurj, if you want to permanently ban my account, go ahead and do so; it would probably be for the best, so that I never give in to temptation and try to come back here. But could you at least give me a week (or even just a few days) before you do so, just so people get a chance to read this, and maybe get in contact with me?

 

Once again, I'm very sorry for the way I am, and the way I've been since I came here. I understand if I can't be forgiven. But before I leave, I want to thank you all for all the time and energy you spent dealing with me, and though it may not seem like it, I love you all.

 

Goodbye, ENA.