It is just never going to happen..

[PrincessKate]

So I am 41 years old female and not in a relationship. Not married. Nada. In fact, with the exception of a few minor relationships I have never had a serious relationship. Dated in anyway seriously or anything. What confuses me is that in every way, in every part of my life, I am normal and well adjusted. I have a great exciting job, a decent home, a decent family and decent friends. I am not overweight and though I am not a supermodel I am not ugly. I suppose I might just be listed as plain. Over and over again throughout my life I have seemed to have a lot of guy BFFs who, if I were going to take a guess, probably thought about making a move, but never did. Or, if they were very close to do it and chickened out. I never worried a lot about it and figured it would happen some day, but some day didn't come. Even now I seem to have a fair amount of guys who seek my company but usually older / married.

 

Also weird, everyone and their brother seems obsessed with getting me married but no one ever provides a guy for me. Ever. No one makes any effort at all to fix me up or anything. No one ever tries to ask me out, that I am aware of. So I have presumed I must really be horribly ugly but then, a friend who is 55 and obese and I am sorry quite ugly, just lands some major catch... who is younger, handsome and seems to adore her. So being ugly... really not always an issue.

 

I have looked at on line dating but I find it really hard. It seems most people don't know themselves well and I am no exception to that.

 

Though my only guess are (1) being alone for a while tends to make you independent and I have been told I am almost pathological about that, (2) I am funny... and it seems that a lot of really funny girls who may be great, don't seem to attract guys. E.g. Sandra Bullock. and (3) I am a bit shy... in that when I am out doing errands or otherwise don't know you.. I have been told I present quite the "stay away" persona and generally I don't say hello unless you say it to me first, even if I know you. But once I start talking I am the life of the party.

 

I have tried online dating but I find it hard. Most people don't know what they really are and even if you think the person is a good match it is a crap shoot. Plus the time it takes up... lordy. I just kind of want someone I can stand who kind of thinks the same as me about it not really gonna happen and wants someone to put down as their emergency contact. Any thoughts on how to make this happen?

[annie24]

lol, i don't know but i could write the same post as you! afraid i'm going to die in my apartment alone one day and no one will notice i'm gone expect my coworkers. lol. big hugs. i hope you meet a good guy soon.

[Batya33]

I also hope you meet a good guy soon. My husband and I were 38 and 39 (me) when we started dating. I don't think having a good sense of humor (unless it's very sarcastic) is at all a negative -to the contrary. I lived on my own for 14 years -never lived with anyone -before getting married and was quite independent but I didn't find that an obstacle to meeting men. I do think it's important to be able to take off the career hat and put on the feminine hat when looking to date, however sexist that sounds. I don't think it's about playing dumb or anything like that -intelligence and ambition are, I think real turn ons.

 

I think you need to meet more women who can introduce you to men. How often do you ask to be set up? Do you do any volunteer work? Play sports? Take dance lessons? I think on line sites can be a wonderful way to meet a potential husband by the way.

[Mesemene]

What do you do for fun?

 

Considered taking any special interest classes, or joining a special interest group? You never know, maybe if you step outside your normal boundaries and comfort zones, you'll find something you feel passionate about, and open up a new pool of friendships and potential dates.

 

Scuba diving, basketweaving, painting, thai cooking, pottery. Is there anything you've always wanted to try for enjoyment and never found the time, or justified the expense as not being an investment?

 

If you can think of something, do it. Life is too short to not explore every potential source of enrichment.

 

And work on that "stay away" persona. I had the same problem. So whenever I'm out, if I"m stuck in a checkout line, or waiting for a bus, customer service, or at an office - I make the effort to say hello to one stranger. Just one.

 

Doesn't take much. Most people, believe it or not, will grab the opportunity to carry the conversation and take off running with it. And it gets easier with repetition.

 

You don't have to love it - but you will relax more as you get accustomed to it - and probably present a less "touch me not" presence to others.

[nutbrownhare]

This is a bit of a long shot because I've never met you... however... I'm single, but by choice because I don't know any available local guys who I'd particularly want a relationship with. And I'm very happy single. However, I'm 13 years older than you and have no shortage of attention from men.

 

One thing which, to me, leaps out from your post, is that you seem to expect others to do the running; right the way from

No one makes any effort at all to fix me up or anything. No one ever tries to ask me out, that I am aware of.

to

I have been told I present quite the "stay away" persona and generally I don't say hello unless you say it to me first, even if I know you.

 

What on EARTH is preventing you from saying 'Hello' to people you know? Would it diminish you in some way? It's just that people are much more likely to want to make contact with people who seem pleased to see them and welcome their company! And it's nobody else's responsibility to provide you with a guy!

 

Being funny is not generally a turnoff - unless it spills over into the sharp, female dog-ish sort of humour which most people would find intimidating. Most of the men I know enjoy women they can have a laugh with. I'm professionally funny and have never found it a problem.

 

I guess the only piece of advice I can give you is that if you embrace the world, metaphorically speaking, then it will magically embrace you. Behave towards others the way you'd like them to behave towards you, and be prepared to put in the work if you want a relationship - i.e. make eye contact, approach people rather than waiting for them to come to you, chat to random people, go to places where there's something to talk about... all that.

 

Good luck, whatever happens!

[notafraid]

Hello PrincessKate

I can relate to what you are going through. I have had a few relationships and one common law marriage when I was in my 20s. I will be 43 in December. I feel that I am an attractive woman and have been told by many friends family, even strangers that I am attractive so I am pretty confident in that regard. Where I fall short is just self esteem in that I don't feel worthy of having that ONE TRUE LOVE. I have always chosen men who were abusive or emotionally unavailable. Lately I have been working on just being happy on my own and enjoying my own company and independence. I have had a bit of a rough go of it last few years in terms of being underemployed, etc. I work in hospitality as a waitress--believe it or not I do enjoy it. Most days are good and I know that when I leave work I don't have to think about it. In the last three months I have managed to land two part time jobs close to home where I can finally say that I don't have to count on anyone else to pay my bills. In addition, I enjoy where I work: the clientele is nice and for the most part so are my co-workers, except for very few minor exceptions. I used to worry about marriage a lot, I think most women do because we are brought up to believe that unless we go through that ritual, we are deemed worthless and not good enough. I don't worry about it anymore because what is most important to me now is to have someone who is going to support me and bring positivity to my life. You sound like a pretty independent woman as am I. There are still men out there who find this hard to accept and even though there are just as many who sincerely love a woman's independence, it makes them feel inadequate or slightly intimidated. Just like you it takes time for me to open up to people because I'm quite shy, but once I do I can be funny, opinionated but also caring and compassionate. Most people don't know this until they give me a chance. Lately I have just been more open at work, talking ,making jokes and I'm doing it more for myself than anything because I do need to come out of my shell a bit. What you said in the last paragraph that "most people don't know what they really are" I would also add that most people don't know what they want either. Take this time to think about what you want for yourself because you won't be given this time again.

[In the Dark]

I am single partially due to choice and self sabotage.

 

A part of me enjoys the single life.

A part of me wants to share life experiences with a significant other.

 

I believe the self-sabotage is due to being considered the ugly kid in my youth and to avoid heartbreak since I have hurt so badly and long term in the past.

I became ignorant and oblivious to signals.

Some are so obvious I am embarrassed to even mention them.

 

So yeah I am sure there are many people walking around single wishing they were not but are just not making that connection out of fear, awkwardness and maybe even past experiences.

Actually pretty sad really.

 

Since there are varying types of humor, it can be a hit or miss.

Nothing to fret over though, someones humor is just the way it is.

Shyness is never a positive thing when finding someone.

I am a shy person and it does get in the way of getting to know people.

A constant hurdle.

 

You may have to be more bold in your intentions if you have been hinting as in being straightforward rather than leading the man to assumptions.

 

I wish you the best of luck in finding a special someone who is worth sharing your life with.

[PrincessKate]

What on EARTH is preventing you from saying 'Hello' to people you know? Would it diminish you in some way? It's just that people are much more likely to want to make contact with people who seem pleased to see them and welcome their company! And it's nobody else's responsibility to provide you with a guy!!

 

Well I didn't mean that it was somehow their responsibility but, if they are going to harp on it every time they see me... loudly, at work, it kind of seems just to flow from that that someone who is so allegedly passionate about my being married does kind of assume a responsibility to at least make some effort. I mean put your money where your mouth is... sort of thing? It just seems odd that of the 25 + people who say this sort of thing no one yet has done anything.

 

I do have trouble saying hello. Truth be told it goes back to a horrible time as a kid that to this day I can't believe I emerged from relatively unscathed. It is fear of rejection or perceived rejection but at this point it is an automatic reaction. But what I always try to do, is if the person does say hello, I am usually extremely welcoming and gregarious so that they can write it off as me not seeing them or something. My job is as a spokesperson and I speak in public so that doesn't always happen but ... it seems to happen most with other shy people.

 

I admit I have to work on it.. I got a review from a new boss at work and he said my co workers thought I was "snobby" and "ungreatful" I actually don't think that is true, but I think that is his opinion of me.

 

But, I am going to admit, I don't know if I want to work on it -- finding a husband. In one way I do, and in one way I don't. I don't want all the drama of searching for "love"; I just want like a roommate.

[Batya33]

"But, I am going to admit, I don't know if I want to work on it -- finding a husband. In one way I do, and in one way I don't. I don't want all the drama of searching for "love"; I just want like a roommate."

 

Unless you want it 110% it's going to be an uphill battle. I don't think you should expect people to set you up on dates even if they harp on your single status. Why not ask them?

[Kendahke]

If more than 3 people say the same thing, then you need to pay attention to it. People can and will smile in your face and be friendly while at the same time, telling your boss that you're snobby and ungrateful. As long as anonymity is assured, it is a probability.

 

While you may not think that you're snobby, clearly it is the vibe you're giving off----and since you're not observing yourself, you can't speak to how you're coming accross. Also, coming accross as ungrateful to anyone is pretty serious and should not be dismissed when you don't know for certain. "I think" is speculating, not fact.

 

Wanting someone "you can stand" speaks to a level of broad-brushed intolerance that may be unreasonable; don't forget: you might be getting judged on that very same criterion. There is not one human on the face of the earth who hasn't got some aspect of themselves that will rub another the wrong way. The key is whether or not whatever else they have going for them makes up for that one aspect of imperfection. Yes, there are men whose ways will rub you the wrong way, but that's far from every single man in your city and there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect.

 

If your problem stems from your childhood and you understand that to be a factor, then you probably should talk to a professional to help you pull that out by the roots and resolve it.

 

If you don't want to work on it or finding a husband or love, then accept that in this lifetime, you're not going to have a serious relationship. That was the reason in your initial post for why this thread is here... and you've gone 180 degrees from saying you wanted a serious relationship to saying you just want a roommate. You can find a gay guy to be your roommate if that's the case.

[itsallgrand]

If you don't want to work on it or finding a husband or love, then accept that in this lifetime, you're not going to have a serious relationship. That was the reason in your initial post for why this thread is here... and you've gone 180 degrees from saying you wanted a serious relationship to saying you just want a roommate. You can find a gay guy to be your roommate if that's the case.

 

Basically, this. Either accept that this is your choice to stay single cause it's not a priority for you to not be and embrace that, or do something about the situation to change it.

 

I actually can relate quite a bit to what you are saying. Which is a bit unsettling. lol. But it's true. I "get" it. You wouldn't mind having someone - but you don't really want to put in the effort either.

 

I've had hunks of my life like that, and during those times , even though I thought I was aware of the vibe I was putting off, it wasn't until I was out of that "zone" that I really got how rejecting that vibe really is.

 

If your body language says "leave me alone" it doesn't matter what comes out of your mouth or not. And people are telling you that your vibe isn't only saying "leave me alone", it is saying "I'm above you, I don't need to acknowledge you, YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT TO ME".

 

And honestly, that is a strong impression. Saying things like "I just want someone who can be on my contact list" tells me about the level of commitment and effort you would put into a relationship. And men would see this. Men who want a healthy commitment and relationship (men who just want sex or a fling, different deal).

 

To put it really bluntly, you gotta decide if it's important enough for you longer term to put the effort in now to want to get the other cheek of your butt in to desiring being able to give to someone and be available for them. That's the first thing even; being available and knowing what you have to give yourself. Before even seeing who could be a match.

Cause even if you "came accross" that great guy now, it's not going to work if you aren't all that invested in actually being in a relationship. I mean, it's easy to think of being of one when you aren't....it's totally different when it's staring you in the face and it's being asked of you in reality.

[Reflective82]

I wouldn't go down the route of asking friends to introduce you as since I've been single my friends have been useless- I think some people are quite naturally lazy and don't go out of their way- I always do as I'm a good friend and one or two of my friends has but I think try and take the control into your own hands.

 

I'm still figuring this out to but I'd say online, social things like running and tennis club, groups.....stuff like that. Oh and work is good if you work in a male dominated environment, my friends with guys with the really good jobs met them at work

[732mni]

What have you actively done to try to make your life better in this regard? If the answer is not much, then you are the culprit as well as the victim.

 

Given the OP and screen ID, I am concerned that you may be still trying to live out the common Princess Fantasy: wanting a desirable man to chase you and sweep you off your feet with no work needed from your end. Life is not a Fairy Tale, and you are not a princess. No prince is going to rescue you. A healthy relationship needs work and commitment from both ends. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner you will be able to attain one yourself.

[PrincessKate]

What have you actively done to try to make your life better in this regard? If the answer is not much, then you are the culprit as well as the victim. Given the OP and screen ID, I am concerned that you may be still trying to live out the common Princess Fantasy: wanting a desirable man to chase you and sweep you off your feet with no work needed from your end. Life is not a Fairy Tale, and you are not a princess.

 

There was a lot of really good advice on this thread and for that I am grateful, but there was also a lot of crap advice. See the above. There are no culprits and victims... in this. It is great how you can live your life and then find out your a culprit and all to blame. It is great how people love to blame the person asking for advice when they have nothing at all to say. The idea that I have to actively go out there and pursue someone isn't always true. Basically when a girl is pretty and sexy she usually will have guys lined up around the block. When she isn't ... she has to work at it. And that doesn't really work. Sure she might get someone by pure effort but it will never be someone who will really be into her. You have seen this lady, usually killed by her husband and featured on 48 hours or, her husband is rounded up in Thailand with 14 year old boys. She took an active role to get herself a husband all right.

 

As for the screen id, seriously, every name I wanted was taken until I used this one and it was only because "Kate" was on the news....

 

I do work in a male dominated environment but they are all married. I am convinced that there was a secret meeting when I was 29 and every single man was matched up with a Kindergarten teacher. I did learn a lot from this thread where I learned I have to go a little bit more out of my way. Who knows it might just be enough to make a difference. Thanks to those who offered the advice.

[Batya33]

"I do work in a male dominated environment but they are all married. I am convinced that there was a secret meeting when I was 29 and every single man was matched up with a Kindergarten teacher."

 

LOL I was a kindergarten teacher in my 20s (and engaged at the time but we broke up). It wasn't until I pursued my other dream career and worked in a male-dominated field that I started meeting more people -it's how I met my husband, originally and one of the reasons he was interested in me was because of our similar careers and how I had gone about pursuing it. Nope, sorry, there was no secret meeting ;-)

 

I had to work at it -I made it a part time job. I went to singles events, answer online dating profiles, went to singles resorts, did volunteer work, went to sporting activities, joined a book club (to meet women but they also introduced me to men), asked friends to set me up (and yes they did), etc. Once I met the interesting guys then yes I let them take the lead in the early stages of dating (but as an extrovert I was very good at showing sincere interest). And yes my husband is and was really into me. As were the other men I dated seriously/was in relationships with. I don't write that to brag just to show that yes you probably need to be proactive especially if you're in your 30s or older and out of a college type environment.

 

And yes married men can set you up with people too.

[mhowe]

I have always worked in a male dominated environment....and the only time I have been single for an extended period has been by choice.

 

There was no meeting. There wasn't even a memo.

 

But as Batya says --- you need to be proactive. I asked friends/family if they knew anyone. I chatted up guys at work....and even after my hiatus, went out to dinner alone, but chatted w/ bartenders, waitresses...got to be "known" and low and behold....a male friend of mine introduced me to my current bf.