Monogamous for 20 years, losing passion. Grass is greener syndrome?

[jjhm23]

I have been married for 17 years to a great guy. Hardworking, well liked, decent looking, athletic, outdoorsy, a good dad to our kids. (We have four, three our own, one long term foster). We went through a lot of tough times including his job loss several years ago, and long term separations due to his job.

 

We met when I was 22, he was 19. He was my first "real" boyfriend, because I was shy and awkward around guys in high school and college up to that point. My relationship with him started slowly as just friends, then we just naturally progressed, dating for three years and finally getting married once he graduated from college and we both had degrees and jobs. Our marriage was very happy for the first 7 years until his job circumstances, the economy, etc., caused stress, financial loss, and lots of arguments. I felt like his job choices weren't wise, leading us to near-poverty, and I guess I felt just let down, like he was being selfish (the main issue being him choosing to be self employed where income is 'iffy.')

 

So now he overworks everyday, long hours, in his own business. When he is home he is often irritable and moody. Sometimes I feel like I'm happier when he's NOT home. And what makes me feel terrible is this- I feel like I don't feel passionately in love with him any more. I have lots of escapist fantasies and attractions to other men. Except, not men who are accessible. (No one is interested in having an affair with me anyway now, I'm 41, still young looking, but a bit overweight and I always have my brood of kids in tow. So there is NO WAY even if I wanted to!) And in our small community, everyone knows us as a nice couple, committed to each other, active in our church, and we ARE. He is still truly faithful and in love with me, not into other women at all! But now here's me- with a wandering eye and lusting over random strangers! Men online who I just see photos of, or just strangers I see. One time in church, I was sitting accross from a very attractive man and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't concentrate on the sermon because all I could think of was lust feelings for this unattainable man and wondering if I could just smile and have eye contact with him. The guilt made me actually want to cry right in church. Crying in church is common and acceptable, and if anyone saw me wiping my eyes, they probably thought I was having good Praise-Jesus feels. Nope, I wasn't.

 

Sometimes I feel as if maybe I missed out on the "perfect" man, someone who would have really floated my boat so to speak, and just settled for my nice, reliable college sweetheart who I knew wanted me. My husband was the man I lost my virginity to, (when I was 25 so a late bloomer there) and so I never really knew what it was like to be with anyone else but him. I've spent one half of my entire life with him now. But I just feel this "is the grass greener? what if I dared to have something with another man, or what if it keeps getting worse and if it did would I be brave enough to consider divorce?" He loves me, he loves to have sex with me, (which I DO enjoy most of the time, but on account of my rich fantasy life) he works hard to provide for us. I work part time, and do nearly all the child and house duties. Inside, I feel like the passion is dead. Part of it is his moodiness and short temper from working such long hours. He gives all to his clients, and has little time and energy for me and the kids. It is truly a turn off, and we need to get away by ourselves- but it's hard to afford right now.

 

How do I deal with these feelings and try to be madly in love with only my husband again? Sorry for the novel.

[Ms Darcy]

At any point has he ever had a wandering eye too or wondered what else is out there?

[Lester]

First you have to make him aware of how his temper is driving you emotionally away from him. Give him Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" and tell him this is how you want to be treated.

 

Next, reduce/regulate all mass media input. All current MM is hyper sexed whereas only the superficial of green grass is important. This “say it once say it three, (trillions), times it must be true”, is keeping you from maturing past the superficial.

 

PS, Your secrets will backfire into an affair… which will be the cause of your divorce.

You’re not going to like divorce.

[Edmund Exley]

I know very few people who were happier after they left a long term marriage (abuse and infidelity aside). I would do every thing you both can do to fix what you have.

[jjhm23]

At any point has he ever had a wandering eye too or wondered what else is out there?

 

No. Never. At least not yet. And that is what makes me so guilty. I'm usually "not in the mood" and it frustrates him because of the "lack" and I know that's something that can drive men to check out others. He always tells me how cute, beautiful he thinks I am (hard for me to believe though. I have always had a poor body image and low self esteem) but I am not feeling it for him as much as I used to. My not feeling attractive has helped, because if I DID lose weight and feel attractive, then I might start acting on feelings. I overeat and read spicy fiction instead.

[ParisPaulette]

Ah yes, welcome to the stage of the relationship where you've grown comfortable and set in your habits and then one day you look up and say, "Wait, is that all there is to this? What happened to the fireworks I'm told I'm entitled to every day in the grocery store and on TV." Yeah, sex gets pushed way to freaking much out there, I agree with Lester about reducing the whole exposure to mass media although in this day and age that's alot harder done than said.

 

That said I'm going to be blunt here and tell you that while much of what's going on is because you and your husband have stopped actively creating the relationship, some of what you're experiencing may be that you're approaching menopause. I don't know how old you are, but it might well be a factor. I say this because when I went into peri-menopause my hormone levels seemed to shoot through the roof. Heck even the mailman suddenly looked good to me and I was sort of bewildered by it all until my doctor, a female laughed, and said it can sometimes be nature's last hurrah, let's have one more child before you can't anymore kind of thing. Anyways I gritted my teeth, my doctor did some adjusting to my hormone levels and recommended I buy some ah, "love aids" to help me bleed off the extra energy I was suddenly having. Also some medications can increase libido, so take a look at that too if it hasn't occurred to you before. After a few months I felt a lot more stable and a lot calmer in that area again.

 

Now that the medical/nature part of things have been addressed back to your marriage. This is where you are going to have to sit him down at a time when he's not quite so stressed, maybe after his favorite meal and backrub and after the kids have gone to bed, to talk. Tell him you love him, but you feel like maybe things have gone a little quiet between the two of you and then talk to him about what he likes in bed or what you enjoy. Or better still, go get a makeover and start working out and just paying him more attention. That might just wake him up to the fact he's got a great wife and it may be enough to spark whatever has lain dormant between you two. Also focus on finding something new that you like doing since some of what's going on may also be a sort of housewife burnout where you've gotten so into the habit of doing for others that you just feel like there's nothing else out there and your mind begins to wander. And Lester's advice about the book "If Only He Knew" is solid too since yes that sort of anger and stress can start to color things quite a lot and he's likely not even aware of himself doing it. Also maybe make sure he schedules in a physical checkup to make sure there's no underlying medical reasons for his fatigue and grumpiness.

 

And if all that fails you can go seek the advice and assistance of a professional counselor to get some additional feedback or even just to have someone to talk to. I think if you just address why you're having these feelings and rule out various possibilities then address the areas that you seem to know need fixing you'll come through the storm so to speak just fine. Good luck.

[tmp110314]

Through everything that you wrote here, I'm reading that you really do love your husband and do not want to see the marriage end.

 

It's not unusual for people (male and female), married or not, to have lustful fantasies and contemplate acting on them. No matter how busy we are, if we were really serious about pursuing an outside affair, we would find a way. Since you haven't seriously pursued actualizing your fantasies, it demonstrates (to me) that you want your marriage to work.

 

Your husband, by your own description, is not straying from you. His 'mistress' seems to be his work. Because he is self-employed and has suffered the stresses over the years of providing a living, it has taken a toll on him. I'm not trying to make excuses here for his behavior toward you and while he is at home. He is demonstrating that he may be having coping issues himself.

 

I hear you. Money is tight and there is not much time to do anything more than work and take care of the home and children. Are there no other resources to draw upon? Are there family members that would be willing to take the children for a few days so that you and your husband could have a long weekend together? It doesn't have to be a lot of money involved. Even staying home while the children are away at a family member's house and designing activities that would require minimal money. Maybe order out and have a movie night at home with a lot of snuggling and whatever. Time to talk and reconnect. Take a drive to a favorite location for a picnic and just relax and enjoy each other's company.

 

Agree to leave troubles behind and concentrate on each other. Make it a homemade honeymoon.

 

Nothing is guaranteed to work, but, not trying ensures that there will be no progress.

 

I wish there was a magic wand to make everything good. Only desire and hard work will give it a chance.

 

Not all marriages can be saved, BUT, your marriage sounds like it has a chance. You've already stated the desire, you're motivated to come to a forum to seek input, I think you are the one that may be able to turn things around for the better.

 

I sincerely hope you consider taking the lead and see if you can get your husband to see what he is missing out on. A loving and dedicated woman, such as yourself, is someone that any man in his right mind should recognize and cherish. He just needs some help to fix his vision and see you.

 

Best wishes to you.

[lavenderdove]

You are entering peri-menopause, which are the 10 years preceding menopause... it is a time of hormone swings, and interestingly enough, women's sex drive usually spikes during these years. In your 40's, your estrogen levels start to drop, and hence testosterone starts to play a stronger role. So basically your hormone levels are becoming more like a man's in your 40s! So suddenly, men start to look REALLY enticing as your 'nesting' estrogen levels drop and you become less interesting in nesting and more keen on the hunt which is what testosterone is about. There's a reason why they call women in their 40s 'cougars' because they do feel driven to 'hunt' more at that age and less inclined to nest.

 

So this change may be more hormonally driven than you know. Woman's hormones are fluctuating like a teenagers at this age, and you need to be aware of that and not throw away a good marriage because your hormones are surging.

 

First, i think it is really important not to ignore your husband if he is irritable and moody... he may be working too hard, and you two may be neglecting each other and your marriage because of that. He might need to find another job that is less taxing, or you two need to plan some vacations and alone time without the kids.

 

You really should watch the recent movie 'This is 40' (it's on DVD now so you can rent it), which is a funny comedy but very realistic about the typical things that happen when a couple turns 40... You're seriously in child rearing at that point, and can lose sight of trying to do fun things with your life and each other rather than focusing on the doldrums of domestic life where you start blaming each other for the disatisfaction when it is really just about where you are in your life phase.

 

So it is common to have these escape fantasies at this time, thinking your spouse is the problem, but what you really need to do is change your life in other ways (and in ways that don't destroy your marriage) to improve a sense of satisfaction with live so that you shake up the 'boring' domestic routine and re-discover each other and focus on YOU rather than always on your kids or the mortgage or whatever other irritating thing comes into play when saddled with kids and a mortgage and stressful jobs.

[Ms Darcy]

No. Never. At least not yet. And that is what makes me so guilty. I'm usually "not in the mood" and it frustrates him because of the "lack" and I know that's something that can drive men to check out others. He always tells me how cute, beautiful he thinks I am (hard for me to believe though. I have always had a poor body image and low self esteem) but I am not feeling it for him as much as I used to. My not feeling attractive has helped, because if I DID lose weight and feel attractive, then I might start acting on feelings. I overeat and read spicy fiction instead.

 

My overall advice is simple. You need to spend some time communicating with your husband about the unhappiness you are feeling and then take some time for yourself. I think the third step would be, as DJohnM says, to spend some time away with the kids and reconnecting with him. But I think that happens after you really start making your needs known and putting yourself first. I would recommend these steps:

 

1. Communicate with him openly and honestly. Talk to him about (as Lester says) his moods are driving you away and making you feel less emotionally connected. Also let him know you need a break sometimes from the kids and family life so you can work on your health and happiness.

 

2. Get healthy. I think you should make a serious effort to improve your health. Start walking at a brisk pace without the kids for 30 minutes a day for 3 days a week. Build up to 6 days a week. Buy some books on healthy eating and READ them. Don't use food as a distraction for the emotional lonliness you feel. And don't use the weight as a kind of cloak to guard you from your sexuality. This will also help your body image.

 

3. Get away. Take a few days or even a week off. If money is there, go to a spa. If it is not, spend time with a family member for a week. Think of it as a vacation where you do all the things you would really love. And especially socialize with loved ones to help you reconnect to just laughing and having fun.

 

4. Return refreshed and start dating your husband again. While you are away, do steal a little time to write down all of the things you are grateful for in your marriage. When you return, talk to him again about ways you can spice up the relationship (e.g. regular romantic date nights without the kids, walks after dinner, reading a book together, going to comedy shows/laughing more together.)

 

Good luck!

[lostandhurt]

So you have a solid guy that is a good father, works his butt off for his family, loves you to death, compliments you all the time, desires you sexually and doesn't do any shady stuff. Sounds like a pretty great husband to me except the grumpiness.

 

All to often people forget to take care of their marriage. They think it doesn't need to be cared for or forget because the kids, work and just day to day stuff that eats at our time and energy. If a marriage is not given care and attention it will wilt and die.

 

How much energy have you honestly put into keeping your marriage caring and loving? How much has he? Life happens and we loose sight of what is the most important. Try focusing the energy you have towards other men towards your marriage. Read the book Lester suggested and others on marriages and how to spot the signs and what to do as a couple to get back that magic. All marriages have highs and lows and everything inbetween.

 

The grass is not greener, it is just not your grass so you want it. Your grass is just as good or better but you can't see that from where you are standing.

 

You have a devoted husband/partner right now, get a divorce and you are all alone. Divorce is not something that is well liked....

 

You have a unique chance to take this time in your families life to make everything better. Get your husband involved and I have a feeling he will work just as hard as he does at work on making your marriage better. Getting him to understand just how serious this is can be the hard part. Some guys don't get it until it is to late.

 

The best thing is you came here and admitted your true feelings. Please take some of the great advice you are getting from everyone and try and repair what has been neglected.

 

 

Lost

[jjhm23]

Thank you for all the responses. I'm early 40's and it really could be that peri-menopause is messing with my head. In my 20's and early 30's I rarely had a sexual thought and was almost a prude. Now, I get the hots for the UPS guy, the man sitting in the next church pew, fictional characters, actors (yes very immature) and I even crush on men hundreds of miles away via Facebook. But I don't, can't and won't act on it. My marriage and family are too precious to destroy.

 

I like the idea of getting away for a weekend, at low cost. Our oldest is 14, she can watch her siblings, probably more motivated to do it when she has a friend over. I was thinking once, that he and I should frequent the places we used to go 17-20 years ago, places and hangouts we went to when we were dating. Then go out for a nice dinner and a hotel stay. We did do that once, 2 years ago, and I felt the spark come back if only for a few days. For me, exercising and feeling better about myself is something I'm trying to work on. I would like it if he got some regular exercise too. He's handsome, on the thin side, but a little weight lifting and pumping iron might give him a sexier look. (I feel awful thinking this in my current size-14 state. He adores my curves though).

 

Anyway, to be serious again, we both came from broken families and I know it would break his heart if he knew I feel these things. I'm so afraid of the "we need to talk" route. I did mention counseling, but I'm the one who will have to initiate that, he will not.

[tmp110314]

All I can say is WOW!!! Your husband is a lucky man!!

 

Only worry about the size 14 for yourself if you're not happy with it. Your husband seems satisfied with whom you are. You do need to feel better about yourself as well and that's within your control.

 

Go for it - I'm excited for you!!

[lostandhurt]

Coming from broken homes does not give you a good frame a reference to have a great marriage. Read the book Lester suggested and seek a few more. Trust me there are things you never knew or never even imagined that are like an "aha" moment when you read them.

 

I just finished "The 5 Love Languages" and learned so much.

 

This is so fixable but you have to make an effort like your childs life is at stake, which is kind of true becuase you want them to grow up seeing what a happy healthy marriage is like so when they get married they have a good frame of reference.

 

You have to do more than a few weekend get a ways for this to be a lasting improvement. Get a ways a pretty awesome though

 

Lost

[lavenderdove]

Yes, if you think once a month weekend getaways are expensive or your husband whines about that, think about how expensive divorce is! Really, it sounds like you're just in a rut, and you both need some more relaxation and intimate time together to keep the fire from going out.

[tattoobunnie]

It sounds like you need to try dating EACHOTHER again! Schedule a fun class, take lessons on something together, cooking, skiing, hire a babysitter for once a week, have sex in weird places, talk, learn to laugh together - whatever you do, do ONE NEW THING a week together...it gives you something to talk about.

 

And first - let him know that it'd be good to have one on one time together. And keep in mind, it takes time to get into the swing of things, so don't give up. It takes a month to make a habit, and 90 days to make a life change.

 

It's okay to have crushes - what that tells me that you're relationship is lacking in something - and a lot of times, it's quality time.

[AutumnBorn]

You're kidding, right? You have the perfect man. If you don't want him, go ahead and let him go. Another woman'll catch him before he hits the ground - don't worry about that.

 

He works hard and you're b-itching because he's tired and irritable? Seriously? There is no perfect man. There is no fairy tale ending. Don't believe the Hollywood fiction we're spoon fed in romantic comedies. It doesn't exist outside of a movie script or book of fiction. Maybe he's irritable for good reason. Why don't you concentrate on being the light at the end of his day, showing your appreciation for his hard work? It could really make a huge impact on his attitude when he gets home. Laugh with him, rub his feet when you're watching TV, give him a reason to be happy to be home with you. Have you considered that maybe he's irritable because he's not exactly thrilled to be home? Your home should be a peaceful sanctuary for all of you to enjoy. Doesn't sound like he feels the peace any more than you do.

 

Passion isn't love. Passion is hormonal. Love feels like steady confidence, safety, reliability. It's predictable. Comfortable. I think you need to go read Al Turtle's website as soon as possible. link removed Go the the Map of Relationships. Read it two, three, six times - however many times it takes for the information to sink it. Passion fades. It always does and it's supposed to. You can learn that from Al.

 

Happiness is a decision. It isn't a matter of fate, circumstances, and certainly not bank statements.

 

Please, read Al's website. Your family is worth fighting for. Give it everything you've got before you decide to take a chance on a wish.

[GettingLost]

 

Passion isn't love. Passion is hormonal. Love feels like steady confidence, safety, reliability. It's predictable. Comfortable. I think you need to go read Al Turtle's website as soon as possible. link removed Go the the Map of Relationships. Read it two, three, six times - however many times it takes for the information to sink it. Passion fades. It always does and it's supposed to. You can learn that from Al.

 

QUOTE]

 

Stealing this and applying it to my situtation, AutumnBorn. You have no idea how much better this makes me feel. THANK YOU!