jeanettelee Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I have been seeing this guy for just 2-3 months. He's good looking, funny and a pretty care-free person. We started going on dates because he was taking great care of me and showered me with attention. It soon turned into a state where I gave him so much attention in return that he felt suffocated around me. He has been seeing other girls too. I'm only seeing him. It's not that I expect us to be exclusive since we are nothing official... and I know he has got plenty of choices out there. But he is always comparing me with other girls... saying that I'm fat and other girls are hot. He's always saying how he himself is good looking and popular among girls... When he suggests an activity and I cant make it... he would be "oh fine then I'd go with xxx (girls' names)" When I suggest something to do together, he would always suggest something else. I felt that this kinda relationship was really overwhelming... He just doesn't respect me and my feelings. There have been several times I was gonna leave him alone. I didn't like feeling like I was imposing myself on him. He went all dramatic about it every time. He said he liked my company and all that... He would say we would be really good friends too. We would then go out again. But the thing is... he is always blaming me for things he did. He picked up a fight and now he is telling me to apologize. I am really tempted to say it 'cause he is saying that if I don't apologize then he'd never let me contact him again. He said we would be over. I don't know what to do... Am I right to say this is kinda abusive as a relationship...? Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Yes, you would be right to say that. You deserve better than to be compared to other girls, called names, and manipulated. Given you've only put 3 months into this, I'd say there is no excuse for you NOT to walk away at this point. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 He is an giant @$$. Why are you putting up with this? He is a loser and you can do much better then a guy who emotionally abuses you. Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 It's a very crappy relationship and especially one you've only been in for two or three months. If he treats you like this now when it's supposed to be the honeymoon period, it will only get a lot worse. Value yourself here and tell this guy to hit the road. You deserve someone who will commit to a relationship with only you and won't run you in the ground telling you how worthless you are. Get out now before this jerk can really damage your self esteem. Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 He went all dramatic about it every time. He said he liked my company and all that... He would say we would be really good friends too. Of course he likes your company, he gets to put you down and feel superior about himself and you never say a word. That's not how "really good friends" behave. What you should do is stop contacting him or picking up the phone for him. Block his texts. Sure, he'll go all dramatic for a while, because you'll be depriving him of a way to feel better about himself (underneath, he's just a mess) but eventually he'll move on and find someone else to bully and pick on. And good riddance to bad rubbish. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 A first class jerk you have there. He calls you fat, picks fights and you think you need to apologize to him to keep his friendship? Friends don't treat friends that way. Would you ever treat someone that way? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Yes, this is unhealthy. He hooked you with treating you 'like a princess' in the very beginning, and you keep sticking around hoping he will go back to treating you like that. It's very common for people to get stuck on how a person makes them feel at the very beginning of getting to know someone. So if he made you feel wanted, appreciated, treated, and special when he first wanted to impress you then it is not unlikely that you are holding on because of memories of those feelings. And wanting them again. Meanwhile, this guy has shown you his true colours. He is manipulative, mean, and selfish. This is all about him. It makes him feel better about himself to have attention and women on the hook. Like someone else said, he is a mess inside. Before you get any more enmeshed in his drama, you would do well to walk away. You already know that if you do this, he will act out and try to manipulate you into staying attached to him. Nothing is below him : he will try begging, sweet talking, and if that doesn't work, he will threaten and become cruel. So you need to do this from a position of knowing exactly what you want. Do you want to be around him for more of him putting you down and treating you like crap, or are you prepared to walk and prioritize your self esteem? I think you should ditch him, and then spend some time figuring out where this low self esteem for you is coming from. He filled a hole for you in lavishing you with attention; maybe you need to address that for yourself. Link to comment
Heartbroken17 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Someone once told me "you are treated the way you allow people to treat you" - wise words! Link to comment
jeanettelee Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 Thanks for all the replies. I was in such fear just now that I said sorry to him. He said he would destroy me. I don't know what he meant... but I was so scared that I said sorry. I have been crying since yesterday. I know I should leave him.. Can I really leave him without making him want to take revenge on me? Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Thanks for all the replies. I was in such fear just now that I said sorry to him. He said he would destroy me. I don't know what he meant... but I was so scared that I said sorry. I have been crying since yesterday. I know I should leave him.. Can I really leave him without making him want to take revenge on me? Yes. The first threat of violence you contact the police immediately. You are only 3 months in with this guy. You are choosing to stay and be a victim right now. Why? Link to comment
jeanettelee Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 Yes. The first threat of violence you contact the police immediately. You are only 3 months in with this guy. You are choosing to stay and be a victim right now. Why? I just don't know how to do it. He has once screen-caped our texts and put it on facebook... covering my name. Basically he was showing how I was begging him... I'm just really afraid he would do it again but not covering my name... I don't want our common friends to know what's happened between us. I'm just really scared he would do things like that... Link to comment
KarenC Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 If things are already this shaky after 2-3 months what makes you think that it won't get worse? He's arrogant and sounds as if he doesn't respect you and/so if I were you I would "X" him out...Quick too!!! Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Get a restraining order, or contact police. He is a manipulator, he will say and do anything to keep you - you feed him an ego by staying and taking his crap, because inside he is broken and insecure. Ive been in situations where i dated a woman that had an abusive ex-bf like this and i had to confront and intimidate them until they got scared off only for them to yell at me and tell me im scaring him or hurting him. Hes just a man, no different than the man walking accross the street. The only difference is that he knows you, and has your secrets, so you believe that gives him power over you - it doesnt, hes just a normal dude. Get the authorities involved and return to normal life. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Rally your friends around you. Tell them what is going on. Tell them you are ready now to cut this guy out of your life. Tell them he has threatened you. Together, come up with a plan for if he does follow through on his threat. How you will go about doing this. You need to be strong and take it seriously. Try and take the personal emotion out of it. This is someone threatening you. If someone does that, you disengage. You call police if you need to. You do not take his calls. You do not call him. You block them on media. You even, if you have to, avoid going where he will be for a good while. You do what you have to. And don't do it alone. You need your friends right now. Link to comment
jeanettelee Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 In fact, he's someone at work. I can't simply avoid him... What have I got myself into... Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 So you are going to drag this along? You are just giving him what he wants. And you might give off vibes that you are trapped with him, and that might give him the green light to keep pushing things since he will feel like he has the power to do so. Link to comment
jeanettelee Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 I'm pretty sure he knows I'm trapped with him. I keep thinking maybe I have done something wrong... so he's not treating me as he used to. He also hints that it's because I'm too up-tight... ah im so tired of this... Link to comment
metrogirl Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 So then just ignore him. You aren't obligated to talk to him or associate with him and if you do, it's because you want to. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 In fact, he's someone at work. I can't simply avoid him... What have I got myself into... You protect yourself by going to HR (or if your company does not have an HR, your direct manager) and explain what has been going on and that you are scared. Yes, that will be embarrassing but its better then risking your life which is exactly what you are doing by staying with this guy. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 You seem to want to stay in this, you are looking for excuses, and it seems like you are more interested in finding out what went wrong - so you can get him to like you like he did before. Even in your original post he threatened to stop talking to you, and you still chased. That could have been your way out. Since you wont take the step to leave - then he will keep feeding off you as a side-piece, or will move on to someone else and leave you entirely (but most women wouldnt deal with that bs anyway, so he can cling on to you for a while until then). He wants a slave, he wants someone to feed off of. Everytime he brings you down or breaks you, and you chase, you make him feel like hes 10 feet taller. Thats all he wants, because it obvious he doesnt want you in any serious way, or to respect you, or care for you. Link to comment
greta96 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Unfortunately this is one of those situations where only you can help yourself. All we can do is reaffirm for you that yes, you are in an unhealthy relationship, that will become more and more abusive the longer you stay in it. Nobody can make up your mind to actually take action and leave, you have to make up your own mind. Involve the police if need be, and definitely tell your friends what's going on. The one thing you can count on is that things will never get better, and he will never be the guy he was in the beginning. You know why? Because that guy never existed. It was a front he put up to hook you in, which is what all abusive people do, otherwise their victims would run for the hills before becoming too weak and entangled in the abuser's web. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 if you are afraid he will put your texts online, then stop texting him. If he asks you out, you are busy. And DO NOT ask HIM out. You HAVE done a lot of chasing - now stop chasing. Link to comment
waffle Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I know first-hand how difficult this can be because there's always that part of you that recognizes he could be right and this is somehow YOUR fault . . . "if I could just be better/be what he wants, then there would be no problems." You don't live with this guy, right? Please say you don't. A couple of facts that changed my life: 1) abusers are cowards. They seem strong and in control. They are not. Abusers will crumble when their victim takes control of her life. 2) it may seem as if "this is just the way he is" or "he can't help it." Not true. This is deliberate and planned. Abusers do not treat everyone in their life with such disrespect and manipulation--only the one(s) they perceive as weak enough to put up with it. Listen, you are not the first person to come in contact with an abuser. And sadly you won't be the last. The fact that you got mixed up in this says nothing about you or the type of person you are or that you must "deserve it" somehow or it wouldn't be happening. You are not alone in this at all . . . you would be amazed at the women (and men to a lesser extent) who have gone through this or are currently going through it. Don't be embarrassed, and don't be apologetic. Gather your support system around (you would be amazed at some of the sources this can come from), this will in turn boost your confidence and you can make a solid plan to ditch this abusive relationship and move on. You CAN do this. I promise. Link to comment
Joanna Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 This is awful, he obviously see's you as an option rather than a priority and he is manipulating you. If you stay with him you will feel more and more unhappier while there is a nice guy out there somewhere who will make you so happy. He is twisting you around his little finger and knows that you have little confidence, it sounds like he likes the idea that you 'need' him. So show him you don't 'need' him at all, be the girl that stands up to him and puts him in his place and walk away with a smile. Link to comment
jeanettelee Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 Thanks for all the advices.. I know very well that I'm the only one who can help myself. I really have been trying... For now I do not think I need to involve the police... since he never seems someone violent. (I suppose...) And it is in fact quite shocking to know that he's so 'typical'... in a sense that... Many of you have never met him but have been able to tell the way he treats me now and then. Of course, today he was all bubbly and flirty again. I didn't exactly respond. (As a matter of fact I'm really sick and busy.) I just feel so tired of this. Is there a way to stop him from leading me on? Is there a way that I can totally make him uninterested in me... even to keep me just as his ego-booster? To be honest, we had a great time... I do know if I can resist it if he becomes all sweet and caring again.. Link to comment
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