How do you know if you're being emotionally abused in a relationship?

[tiredofvampires]

I totally get what you mean, Vic. I edited by adding a little more at the bottom...

[Fudgie]

Just an update:

 

Relationship with N is going well. I have calmed down and stabilized. We are getting along fine.

 

I have accepted that my relationship at some point will end. I know in my heart now that while I love him very, very much, I can't accept him telling me to cut off my father. We are doing well now so I don't know when it will end, but at some point, it will. I am slowly accepting this and coming to terms with it.

 

I sometimes get very sad at the thought of my relationship ending, like the feelings bubble up, and I realize how much I love him and I just want to cry, but I have been dealing with them. I know that it's the best thing for both of us, in the end. Maybe he will change (he is still going to therapy) but probably not, as that idiot thereapist still supports him in this.

 

His idiot therapist tried to talk up one of his idiot colleagues to my boyfriend, because he knew I was looking for a new therapist. Some LGBT counsellor. What a f___ing joke. Like hell I'm going to that! I told N to throw away the name, I didn't even want to know it, and to tell his therapist that I don't want his unsolicited advice, thanks.

 

I have been trying to spend at least 1 day a week or so (not always on weekends) with my parents both of them. N thinks I just see my mom but I see them both. He doesn't need to know. It's not his business. I am making time for both. Juggling the best way I can.

 

 

I have been working very, very, very hard on my job now. My focus is turned even more into my current job and my future career. I have really been putting in the hours (I work days, evenings, and nights, at 2 different positions, all under the same boss). I got a "promotion" if you can call it that. More duties, same pay. I don't care, really, because I am enjoying what I do for the most part.

 

So that's basically it: seeing N, seeing my family and enjoying them, and working. A lot. That's the best I can do right now.

[NymphaeaLilly]

You mean you are just sweeping the problems under the rug?!

Wow, that'll get you far in life...but hey, it's your life, your decision.

[Fudgie]

You mean you are just sweeping the problems under the rug?!

Wow, that'll get you far in life...but hey, it's your life, your decision.

 

I am currently looking for a therapist that will be able to treat EI, but it needs to be a speciality of theirs. Not just a family therapist. I am still having trouble finding one.

 

Not some lame I-treat-everything life coach that my boyfriend's therapist suggested.

 

Right now, I've had some other more pertinent health issues come up so I am getting those treated now.

[Fudgie]

BTW, I don't think accepting that my relationship will end in the future is "sweeping things under the rug".

 

I clearly have accepted that my issues will lead to the end of the relationship because I can't resolve things the way that HE wants me to. Okay, fine.

 

I want to work on my issues but after this relationship ends with N, I don't see myself pursuing another relationship, just for my own sake and treatment of my own issues and I honestly think I'll be happier single and concentrating on my career and therapy. For now, what we have works but I know it won't forever. That's all.

[Fudgie]

I forgot to mention - I have gotten that book mentioned before (well, not in paper form, don't want anyone to see it) and have read it. Whole thing.

 

It's eye opening, but I've done some hard thinking, about what I want from my life, and everything.

 

1) I think the most important thing is emotional independence from my parents. Both of them. I think that's something I need to work on. I am very, very good with my mom now. Making up for lost time, so to speak. I'm great with my dad too and I feel like our boundaries have been better this past month. I know N doesn't want me talking to him EVER, but yeah, that's ridiculous. Cutting him out isn't going to do crap. I need to reform the relationship. If I cut him out, I will never really heal.

 

2) I need to get healthy. More on that to come in here. I don't have time to type it all out but it's happening now.

 

3) I am re-centering my life. Right now I am happy with N but I think back to a time in college when I was single and honestly, I feel like I was more centered, less distracted, etc. I feel best when I'm at my job (hospital) or when I'm making strides towards my career. I have 2 years for my Master's and then I'm done - that's all I want. I have my BS already. That gives me a sense of accomplishment and lets me know that I can better support myself in the future. I already can support myself, but I don't make much $$ and I know that I have the ability to do so much more.

 

I never wanted to make a family and marriage was already very iffy for me, so I'm not hurting too much with the idea of giving these things up. sometimes it hurts a little, but it gets better as time passes and I come to accept it and see that this is what's best for my happiness.

 

 

 

I see this EI as being a chronic illness, like diabetes. It's something that is always, always going to affect me. I can't really erase or get rid of it. I can't wish it away. I can't really forget about it either. All I can do is treat it and make myself happy. That's all I really want - to be happy. I know what makes me happy - what I am doing career/job-wise, my academic interests, my hobbies, etc. I like the feeling of doing good.

 

The best thing that I can do for myself and for others around me would be to go to therapy but to really pour myself into my career and give to others, as I am already doing now. I feel strongly that this is going to help me push on and carry through through my life and treatment. I also look forward to using my spare money to travel again like I have in the past.

 

I am going to be okay in the future. This is the path I am supposed to be on. I think this is the one way I can live a productive life that will bring me the most joy.

[blueidealist24]

Good to hear things aren't going terribly, but if you know the relationship will eventually end, why keep it going now?

[NymphaeaLilly]

I don't agree with many things you said, IMHO I think it's pathological (EI) part of you that has made this life-long plan for you. But you didn't ask for my advice nor my opinion so I'll refrain from further commenting.

I wish you all the best Fudgie, and I honestly hope you find happiness you deserve.

Hugs

[Fudgie]

I just don't want to leave him. Our relationship is fine for now and we live together. If I leave him, I'm moving back home. I think he knows top that I won't cut out my dad, yet he stays too because he loves me. He could easily live on his own.

 

I guess part of me hopes he will change as he sees me get better with myself and my parents.

[penelope13]

His idiot therapist tried to talk up one of his idiot colleagues to my boyfriend, because he knew I was looking for a new therapist. Some LGBT counsellor. What a f___ing joke. Like hell I'm going to that! I told N to throw away the name, I didn't even want to know it, and to tell his therapist that I don't want his unsolicited advice, thanks.

 

 

what is all this anger about?

 

I have been trying to spend at least 1 day a week or so (not always on weekends) with my parents both of them. N thinks I just see my mom but I see them both. He doesn't need to know. It's not his business. I am making time for both. Juggling the best way I can.

 

So essentially you have decided to just lie to your partner, i.e. have your cake and eat it too?

[Fudgie]

I hate his therapist for supporting this ultimatum. And he has the gall to think he can "help" me too. He can't.

 

N won't let me see my mom if he knows my dad is there. My parents live together, obviously. I see them both and don't tell him that my dad is there or else he'd have a fit about seeing my mom too. And then I'd be pressured to cut her off too.

 

I know it's lying but at this point, I don't care because what he's asking is wrong and I won't do it.

[penelope13]

You could just end your relationship if you don't agree with him having an issue with your dad (for obvious and understandable reasons IMHO).

 

While he has been honest about his feelings and preferences - regardless if you agree or not, he has a right to his own feelings and opinions - you are choosing to deceive him and use him.

 

I'm not sure if in the long run this will be positive for you or not, because so far you didn't strike me as the kind of person who would intentionally hurt someone else.

 

You initiated this thread with the question of if N was abusive towards you. How would you interpret your behavior in light of that question?

[Seraphim]

I think for people to say she is " using" him is a bit extreme. She loves him, yes. However I feel he is pushing his own agenda for his own needs not neccessarily for her benefit.

[penelope13]

One person is open about his agenda, while the other person is not ...

[Seraphim]

Well personally I would tell him to shove his agenda up his a$$. I am not in a vulnerable position though and she is. You guys have really backed her into a corner and she has no way to win or save face. If she doesn't tell him she's a jerk ,if she leaves him and goes back home she's a jerk.

 

Really ,I'm surprised she's tolerated this thread as long as she has.

[agent1607307371]

Sorry Penelope, he has a right to his feelings, but what he's putting on Fudgie isn't right either.

[penelope13]

This thread is so not about me. I'm just giving a different perspective so that Fudgie can make her own decisions (as she has). They don't have to be what I would do myself, because this is about her happiness.

 

However, I'm just hesitant to agree to justify behavior in one person while condemning the same behavior in someone else.

 

I never said that N was right about any kind of ultimatum (or how he went about expressing his feelings on the matter), but I can see where he might be coming from. Trying to understand a different perspective is a far cry from 'taking sides'.

 

But I see, that my input is not needed here, thus unless Fudgie has a specific comment/questions for me, I'm bowing out of this thread.

[Fudgie]

I am still very confused.

 

I want to stay with N. I have some hope he may change his mind once I further continue to change and assert boundaries and see my parents differently. If we didn't have this issue, our relationship would be near perfect.

 

Btw, I am not lying to him. I told him that I didn't know if I could cut off my dad.I never lied and said I would. To me, that is lying.

 

 

I feel that he is punishing me for something I had no control over.

 

I do feel like its a mess. If I leave N, I will be very sad and move back home. I wont live alone and I know that would he bad for me.while I'm a good roommate, I dislike living with strangers and wont do it again.

 

Yet if I stay with him, I am pressured to cut my dad and thus, my family in a way, off. I don't want to do this.

 

Can you really blame for glossing over the details when if I say that I may speak to my dad once, he flies into a rage and calls him a rapist who doesn't love me.

 

 

And people wonder why I'm working 50+ hours a week. I lose no matter where I go. I don't want to be with anyone else but N. I don't want to lose out on having a healthy relationship with my dad. No one wins. N loses. My dad loses.my family loses. I lose too.

 

I pride myself om not intentionally hurting people. I don't. This is why I'm doing what I'm doing. No one is hurting now but me.

[Batya33]

I write this gently Fudgie but didn't you write -and feel- the same way about the guy you were with before N -that you didn't want to be with anyone else but him? I understand that's how you feel but I hope you can find a perspective that allows for some future relationship other than N(if it does not work out with him).

[Fudgie]

I did want to stay with B long term and possibly always but still wasn't sure how it was going to be once I finished school. He didn't want to ever marry anyone again and he didn't want to move again. We had no plans to move in together in the future either, despite me being there almost all the time.

 

N is the only, only partner I've had that I actually seriously considered marriage with. He also is the only one to really know about my EI stuff. We are very much "alike" on the inside and even though he has his feelings on what I've gone through, he still loves me. I don't think anyone is going to accept my EI and frankly, I'm not interested in trying this again.

 

It is just too big to accept and I honestly wouldn't date me either solely based on that.

[tiredofvampires]

Fudgie, has N's therapist actively encouraged this ultimatum -- or just said that N would be justified to make it, if that's how he felt?

[tiredofvampires]

And why, if this is your #1 goal (which I think is GREAT and I agree it should be TOP):

 

1) I think the most important thing is emotional independence from my parents. Both of them. I think that's something I need to work on. I am very, very good with my mom now.

 

is living with N the only thing standing in between your going back to live with your parents (which you admit would be bad for you, regressive, and would completely undermine the above goal) and your living on your own?

 

You said earlier in this thread that your parents supporting you living on your own was an option. In fact, from what you wrote, it sounded like a totally viable idea. And if you're this close to your mom, why couldn't you talk to her about contributing the half (or portion) of rent that N pays now, so you can live alone in a similar place? In a couple of years you'll be able to afford it on your own with your career going as it is, so it's just an interim investment.

 

Why would you even THINK of going home, if you are resolved to stay your track to individuate and cut the umbilical cord, keeping a therapeutic physical distance from them? You said you need to work on that, so this would be your ultimate chance to get serious about that with action.

 

Why does N have to serve as a buffer (which is how this is playing out), as if you have no other choices? Why can't not going home be an active choice reflecting your commitment to healing and changing the status quo, N or no N?

[Tanzi]

So essentially you have decided to just lie to your partner, i.e. have your cake and eat it too?

 

Wow. Under the circumstances, I think that is a tad harsh!

[greywolf]

I think that N feels very insecure and uncomfortable about the situation, and his reaction is to try to control you. But trying to control someone is not love. It's not something you do when you care about someone. So right now for N, this is all about him. It's about what he wants to make himself happy. He's not thinking about you, and how unhappy he's making you.

 

So you need to think about yourself, ok? You spend a lot of time worrying about others, but right now you just need to focus on you and do what's best for you.

[Fudgie]

Okay, so the question is, why not stay and live alone if I left N? There are many reasons. I'll try to cover them.

 

1) I don't want to feel dependent. If I lived at home, I can pay something per week or month to offset my costs. I can buy my own food. If I live alone, I'd need help paying at least half the rent, plus probably some bills. My parents would get money if I were at home, not having to pay out.

 

When I go back to school, they will help me, but that's understandable. I'd be in school. But if I'm working, I expect to support myself completely.

 

2) Living alone means that my quality of life goes down a lot because I can't afford much. N makes more money than I do and our lifestyle is pretty good.

 

I'm not even asking for much here. I don't have to go on awesome trips. I don't even go out all that much. But I like cable TV and Internet. This costs $100/month. I like having fresh produce. I am still on loads of meds. If I live alone, I don't think I could afford these on my own. I make $11-$12 an hour now depending on what shifts I work. It's really not much.

 

3) If I lived alone, I'd be lonely and devoid of human interaction. My own friends are mostly long distance now as they have moved away. If I break up with N, I'm "breaking up" with our mutual friends because he knew them first.. . That's my personal policy anyway, I leave mutual friends after a BU if my ex knew them first because it's less messy that way. But yeah, I'd basically just go to work, come home, sleep, and not see anyone at all.

 

And before anyone says anything about making friends in my city, I'm not interested. I don't want more friends. I just want to be able to see my current friends and my family. I wish my own friends weren't so far.

 

4) *BIG REASON* I don't really want to live in this particular city alone. Heck, I don't want to live in the city at all. I moved here because it was cheap and near my job. That was it. My hometown and my parents are 30 min away in the country. I plan to move back to that particular town when I'm older and commute to work. I don't have the money for that right now.

 

I'm very, very aware of the crime here. That's why I wouldn't want to live alone here. Even with N here, I don't go out past midnight sometimes earlier on the weekends.