Online dating pet peeves

[Jennifer89]

I am done with the whole race conversation; in order to get emails from the people I am attracted to, I had to put who I am attracted to in my profile. I did not word it the exact way I worded it on here. If you think I am racist or offensive then good riddance! I just don't care enough that some person online is offended by my preferences to keep arguing about it. I had plenty of guys who fit my preference thank me for being straight forward about it, so that's that.

[Batya33]

Feel any way you want, but we all have our physical preferences. I put it down because otherwise I was never getting contacted by any guys I was physically attracted to, I put that up and I got several emails from guys I find attractive. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with white people or whatever race... it's just my preference. Like the guys on here who prefer skinny girls, or girls who prefer tall man. It's all nice and noble to say that personality is the most important thing to you but physical preference is also very, very important. And as long as I am not insulting towards those who do not meet those preferences, why not be honest about it?

 

Yes we do. My issue was with the wording you chose to use, basing it on race. I also didn't like when men wrote that they preferred blondes or brunettes (whether or not they preferred "me") - it gave the wrong impression to a complete stranger like me reading printed words on a dating profile. Physical attraction was essential to me and I did have certain preferences -I avoided men who were very overweight or far too skinny or shorter than me since I was only 5"2. But I didn't put that in a profile because I didn't want to make the wrong impression -including making the wrong impression to men who fit my personal preferences. I simply did the work of screening out those men who didn't suit me for whatever reason -physical or otherwise. I also think many people confuse chemistry with physical features and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy to say to yourself that you probably won't be attracted to someone who doesn't have certain physical features.

Again I am not telling you not to have physical preferences, no matter how narrow, I'm just suggesting that the way you state it in your profile probably gives the wrong impression to people who have dark skin and light skin. If you were only looking for a sex partner I'd have a different view andi f your preference for a specific culture/ethnicity/race/religion was based on non-physical preferences that you could state in a profile that probably would be different too in the impression it makes. Honesty is great. So is tact and avoiding over-sharing that probably will offend, especially typed words from one stranger to another.

[Ms Darcy]

I would put Latina, white, asian only... but that strikes me as so mean, plus i have met women from other races that really impressed me to the point that i developed crushes.

 

I think it's equally mean to put all races if you are generally not open to middle eastern or black women though. Especially if the exceptions are like "Kim Kardashian" and "Beyonce."

[Ms Darcy]

Basing your physical prefernces on skin color is just plain racist.

 

There is a 2009 study on OKCupid that says that race affects the responses you get. It would seem that black women get the fewest responses by any race and white males respond less overall.

 

link removed

 

I'm not prepared to call preferences based on skin color racist. Sometimes the reasons why may be. Sometimes not. But I do think the vast majority of folks on dating sites have a race/races they won't date.

[Ms Darcy]

I think that is nasty and a serious accusation to make. Racists hate and are prone to violence and other insidious behavior. The poster does not hate anyone and is not trying to hurt anyone.

 

I would agree that I do not think the term applies here.

 

But, I do think people have an incorrect definition of racism. Racism is not necessarily connected to being prone to violence or "insidious behavior." It is first and foremost about beliefs. But most folks consider it connected to terrible behavior because it's a strong word and makes us feel better to make it about doing really bad things. You can be racist and never "do" anything to anyone.

 

Dictionary reference: link removed

 

1.a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2.a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3.hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

[Thorshammer]

There is a 2009 study on OKCupid that says that race affects the responses you get. It would seem that black women get the fewest responses by any race and white males respond less overall.

 

link removed

 

I'm not prepared to call preferences based on skin color racist. Sometimes the reasons why may be. Sometimes not. But I do think the vast majority of folks on dating sites have a race/races they won't date.

 

Yes, for sure. White women and asians turn me away all the time. I can get a 9/10 hispanic, but a 6/10 white or asian would not respond to me - only time they would, or someone higher in the fictional attractive number would - was when they specifically have a thing for latin men. As a latino growing up in nyc (as diverse as it is), race is a factor if you like it or not (especially with non-new yorkers who pretend to be new yorkers but were not born here). The only time i dated someone who didnt have a thing for latinos is because they originally thought i was white/italian or greek, or they just couldnt resist my charm-powers - happened once with a white goth, until her dad forbade her to stay with me

[itsallgrand]

Basing your physical prefernces on skin color is just plain racist.

 

Was I the only one who took this as you being facetious? And were you?

 

My hackles automatically do go up, honestly, when people hear something they don't want to hear and they scream "it's racist!". I mean, I didn't take a guy making a rude comment about Jennifer shopping at the jails for a partner so much about those dudes being racist (they might or might not be) but rather, being typical agitators. I've never been on Craig's List - but I would think it would have its fair share the same as a lot of the other free dating and hook up sites.

[John John]

I definitely have racial preferences like a lot of people, but as someone else put it, I do that screening on my own. I feel like it would be wrong in a way to explicitly say "white girls only." I tend to go for fair women (red heads and blondes), but I like latinas too. I get a lot of emails from women of different races (asian, indian, black, etc), but I'm just generally not attracted to them. There always exceptions, obviously, but yeah, I definitely have my type. But it's all good...I may not be some womens' cup of tea because I'm not tall or because I'm white (even though I'm half Latino, I identify myself as white).

[Ms Darcy]

I definitely have racial preferences like a lot of people, but as someone else put it, I do that screening on my own. I feel like it would be wrong in a way to explicitly say "white girls only." I tend to go for fair women (red heads and blondes), but I like latinas too. I get a lot of emails from women of different races (asian, indian, black, etc), but I'm just generally not attracted to them. There always exceptions, obviously, but yeah, I definitely have my type. But it's all good...I may not be some womens' cup of tea because I'm not tall or because I'm white (even though I'm half Latino, I identify myself as white).

 

I bet if you identified yourself as Latino, your response rate would drop.

[Batya33]

I think it's equally mean to put all races if you are generally not open to middle eastern or black women though. Especially if the exceptions are like "Kim Kardashian" and "Beyonce."

 

why? The person who responds need not know why you declined to reply to his/her interest

[John John]

I bet if you identified yourself as Latino, your response rate would drop.

 

I don't think so, because on Match I have myself as Caucasian/Latino and I get a lot of emails from women of all different races. But I think what you said may apply to some people. I meant that in real life, I identify myself as white because that's what I look like. But I always disclose my heritage, because that's what I am.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't list race as being important in my okcupid profile at all. But, in reality, I could never date a black man because my family would hate me even more than they do now. =/ I just politely decline but I do not tell them why.

 

Guess I better sign up for the Aryan Brotherhood because of that. (Even though I've always found asian, indian, and arabic men very attractive)

[Thorshammer]

I bet if you identified yourself as Latino, your response rate would drop.

 

I somewhat agree... but why so from your perspective?

 

I would say all women except latino attention would drop. I know a lot of latinas that would never date a white guy, either because of stereotypes of how they treat women compared to latin men, or because they arent interested in the cacuasian look.

[John John]

And to clarify...on Match, there is a drop down section where you can specify the races you're open to without actually saying it in the free form section on your profile. I check off white and Latina only, but I still get emails from all races. People who view your profile can see this.

 

I don't think other sites let you do that...you'd have to spell it out in your profile. I've seen many profiles on POF or OKC say "x race only."

[quirky]

I also think many people confuse chemistry with physical features and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy to say to yourself that you probably won't be attracted to someone who doesn't have certain physical features.

 

I agree with this but otherwise I think it's cool to fancy whatever you fancy.

 

Saying that..the guy I am seeing at the moment told me he has a preference for white, latino, indian, meditterannean women and he asked me if I have dated a black guy before (he's black). The question was innocent and I answered but to be honest it put me off for a minute and I found it strange because I never had a preference and I couldn't relate to his thinking. For a minute I realised that my skin colour was a plus to him and it confused me. Also I couldn't believe he wasn't crazy about black girls because in my eyes they are super hot. But yeah..it's strange if you don't think like that yourself. But not racist by any means.

[Ms Darcy]

why? The person who responds need not know why you declined to reply to his/her interest

 

Re-read what I said: "I think it's equally mean to put all races if you are generally not open to middle eastern or black women though. Especially if the exceptions are like "Kim Kardashian" and "Beyonce.""

 

In other words, don't lie.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't list race as being important in my okcupid profile at all. But, in reality, I could never date a black man because my family would hate me even more than they do now. =/ I just politely decline but I do not tell them why.

 

Guess I better sign up for the Aryan Brotherhood because of that. (Even though I've always found asian, indian, and arabic men very attractive)

 

I'm not a black man, but I find this kind of annoying.

 

It's fine to have racial prefereces but you are straight up lying. Race is important to you. Everything but black is OK. It's like saying height isn't important and then not dating guys under 6 feet. It's dishonest. Liking everything but black doesn't suggest any particular open-mindedess to me. There is different baggage around being a black man versus an asian man etc. (There is definitely a lot of baggage about being a male minority, it just differs.) And it is fine to not be open. Whatever.

 

I get the lie. No one likes to look racist. But I think it is far more brave to be honest than misleading a group of guys on dating sites who think they actually have a shot when they don't.

[Jennifer89]

I definitely have racial preferences like a lot of people, but as someone else put it, I do that screening on my own. I feel like it would be wrong in a way to explicitly say "white girls only." I tend to go for fair women (red heads and blondes), but I like latinas too. I get a lot of emails from women of different races (asian, indian, black, etc), but I'm just generally not attracted to them. There always exceptions, obviously, but yeah, I definitely have my type. But it's all good...I may not be some womens' cup of tea because I'm not tall or because I'm white (even though I'm half Latino, I identify myself as white).

 

I think the difference is, that since you look white, you don't need to specify that you are interested in white women. When you are dating within your own race, you don't need to specify your preference because most people date within there own race, so that is just assumed. If you decided that you really wanted to date a Latino women, you may have to specify that in your profile or change your race to Latino.

 

I agree with this but otherwise I think it's cool to fancy whatever you fancy.

 

Saying that..the guy I am seeing at the moment told me he has a preference for white, latino, indian, meditterannean women and he asked me if I have dated a black guy before (he's black). The question was innocent and I answered but to be honest it put me off for a minute and I found it strange because I never had a preference and I couldn't relate to his thinking. For a minute I realised that my skin colour was a plus to him and it confused me. Also I couldn't believe he wasn't crazy about black girls because in my eyes they are super hot. But yeah..it's strange if you don't think like that yourself. But not racist by any means.

 

I don't really understand the other way of thinking either. It comes down to the fact that I find 95% of black men attractive and 5% of white men, it has nothing to do with hobbies or personality, it has to do with who I find attractive and who I don't. It's just the way it is.

 

Perhaps I should clarify to everyone who has not used Craigslist for this service before, you don't get a photo of someone until they decide to give it to you in an email, so I could be sending a couple of emails back and forth before even seeing if I'm attracted to the person I am talking to. It's not like on POF where you can filter by race or where a photo comes standard with each profile. It's just a lot different.

 

And wow, I really did not expect my lil' vent to go this far, haha. Thanks for your support!

[John John]

I think the difference is, that since you look white, you don't need to specify that you are interested in white women. When you are dating within your own race, you don't need to specify your preference because most people date within there own race, so that is just assumed. If you decided that you really wanted to date a Latino women, you may have to specify that in your profile or change your race to Latino.

 

I'm not so sure about this. I feel like, even though I look white (and prefer to date within my own race, white/latino), I feel like I still need to specify the races I'm open to, or else I'd be getting tons of emails from girls that I'm just not interested in. Actually, I STILL get tons of emails from races I'm not interested in (asian women seem to love me) even though on Match they can all see I prefer white/latina. I think it's fair to let women know right off the bat how realistic their chances are.

 

It's the same with women and height (although I find that I get emails from women who seem to "waive" their height requirements for me, on occasion).

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm not a black man, but I find this kind of annoying.

 

It's fine to have racial prefereces but you are straight up lying. Race is important to you. Everything but black is OK. It's like saying height isn't important and then not dating guys under 6 feet. It's dishonest. Liking everything but black doesn't suggest any particular open-mindedess to me. There is different baggage around being a black man versus an asian man etc. (There is definitely a lot of baggage about being a male minority, it just differs.) And it is fine to not be open. Whatever.

 

I get the lie. No one likes to look racist. But I think it is far more brave to be honest than misleading a group of guys on dating sites who think they actually have a shot when they don't.

 

I find black men just as attractive as white men but I cannot date them as my family would make our lives hell. If I fell in love with a black man, I would pursue it. But, I don't want to look for a relationship that I know will be harder right off the bat.

 

And, I think it'd be really unattractive and come accross as demanding if my profile was full of attributes I wouldn't want to date. I'm not lying by not disclosing this list.

[Thorshammer]

Actually, I STILL get tons of emails from races I'm not interested in (asian women seem to love me)

 

And asian women hate me. Its like i told you, a lot of asian women like white guys. And you look really white, bro.

[John John]

Yeah it's true thors, I've noticed that too, at least here in NYC. Asian women seem to love white men. I think I get the most emails from them on all these sites. I know many white guys who are happily married to asian women. Interesting.

[Batya33]

"I get the lie. No one likes to look racist. But I think it is far more brave to be honest than misleading a group of guys on dating sites who think they actually have a shot when they don't."

 

With all due respect, I never ever thought I had a shot with anyone I contacted on a dating site -I had zero expectations when I wrote to a stranger. I would have found it leading on if the person agreed to meet me knowing he could never date me because I wrote in my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage so if he knew off the bat he could never date me he shouldn't meet me in person. I think you're confusing honesty with selecting what to share.

[Jennifer89]

I'm not so sure about this. I feel like, even though I look white (and prefer to date within my own race, white/latino), I feel like I still need to specify the races I'm open to, or else I'd be getting tons of emails from girls that I'm just not interested in. Actually, I STILL get tons of emails from races I'm not interested in (asian women seem to love me) even though on Match they can all see I prefer white/latina. I think it's fair to let women know right off the bat how realistic their chances are.

 

It's the same with women and height (although I find that I get emails from women who seem to "waive" their height requirements for me, on occasion).

 

I find that interesting, maybe it's your location. I'm down here in North Carolina, so maybe that's why I have to be more specific.

[Ms Darcy]

With all due respect, I never ever thought I had a shot with anyone I contacted on a dating site -I had zero expectations when I wrote to a stranger. I would have found it leading on if the person agreed to meet me knowing he could never date me because I wrote in my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage so if he knew off the bat he could never date me he shouldn't meet me in person. I think you're confusing honesty with selecting what to share.

 

I don't know why I have to keep repeating that saying on a dating site that race isn't important or specifically identifying all races as OK is a lie when - internally - you know that is not the case.

 

That is very different from not disclosing at all.

 

It's a straightforward idea.