Girls saying "all the good guys are taken" is insulting

[Reflective82]

I think men's lust is the killer of a lot of marriages Thorshammer--- no matter how in love the couple are it seems that for quite a few marriages the men cannot stop themselves from cheating. Obviously there are amazing and devoted husbands out there-- it is just hard not to worry sometimes when you see what goes on these days. It could just be my experience, but out of my parents circle, I'd say 60% of the men have had affairs, or left their wives and are now with a woman 15 years their ex wife's junior.

 

I guess I haven't even thought of the women leaving the husband for more money, I honestly have never seen that happen and I'm being truthful. In the UK, I mostly see men walking out on their wives, buying a new car, and shacking up with a woman a lot younger. But women who use men for money deserve for that to happen to them-- I feel very sorry for men who are used like that and there is no excuse for it. Money is important to me, but I would have married my ex if he had proposed with a hula hoop because I loved him. Although when you see some of these men with women 20 years their junior, you think they kind of have it coming. What's the saying? There's no fool like an old fool......

[Reflective82]

I agree Ms Darcy--- I honestly don't think dating is easier for either gender! Yes there are some positive attributes to being a woman in that you get approached more often--- but it can also be empowering to be "the approacher" and I do think there are a lot more women to choose from than men....but that's just my theory. Men also have more choice guys--- you can go for someone 10 years younger AND your own age and older, most women I know want someone at least their own age if not older....so it is a smaller pool

[Blue Spiral]

Men tend to cheat with/leave for younger, more physically attractive women.

 

Women tend to cheat with/leave for higher-status/more "stable" men.

 

Neither of those things are secrets...

[Reflective82]

Yes MCJD- I think they mean sex. I can definitely find sex if I want to-- but I think guys seem to have more ability to enjoy casual sex and not develop feelings-- which I don't have. This guy I dated a while back at first, it may have seemed like I had the power-- but then we slept together and I became more into him. He was seeing other girls and for whatever reason didn't want more with me-- I then really liked him and was left feeling rejected.

 

It's only easier for women in that they get more "attention" -- I think guys also have some good pro's in dating

[Reflective82]

thank you Blue Spiral, at least someone is honest.

 

Although I can say hand on heart I have never left a guy for someone higher status....but if you say women do, fair enough

[Ms Darcy]

But I do know many people who have said women do have it easier, and maybe that's influenced my view as well.

 

Then why are there so many books, best selling books, marketed to women on how to find a man and get him to marry you?

 

All of my single female friends who want marriage think dating is very hard and are having a hard time finding someone compatible with them.

 

It's like we are ignoring there are different needs for people and other people's needs are less important than our own.

[Reflective82]

Amen Mrs Darcy.

 

For women, getting a man to marry you can be so hard. So many guys are happy to date you, sleep with you....but especially in this day and age, don't want to committ.

[John John]

Then why are there so many books, best selling books, marketed to women on how to find a man and get him to marry you?

 

All of my single female friends who want marriage think dating is very hard and are having a hard time finding someone compatible with them.

 

It's like we are ignoring there are different needs for people and other people's needs are less important than our own.

 

Yes that's true, but there are also many books that are marketed towards men to give them tips on how to attract more women, how to talk to them, what "vibes" to give off, conversation topics, etc. I don't use any of this stuff, because none of it would be me, but I know they are out there.

 

I guess maybe one thing that I personally don't like about being a guy and dating is that I typically have to do the approaching. While you eventually do get numb to rejection, it does hurt.

 

But to your point Darcy, I agree that dating is somewhat difficult for both sexes. I think what other people have said to me (my ex herself said she felt dating is easier for women) and the fact that I'm still recovering from a breakup have made me feel this way. I feel for your single friends (or any single people, regardless of sex) who genuinely want to find a connection with someone. I'm in that boat right now. Yeah, casual sex is great, but I'd like a meaningful relationship at some point, hopefully not too far away.

[Ms Darcy]

Exactly, there are books on both sides marketing towards men and women. So to me that suggests it is hard for both.

 

But that doesn't take away that it is difficult to be rejected, to feel rejected, and I understand that.

[John John]

Exactly, there are books on both sides marketing towards men and women. So to me that suggests it is hard for both.

 

But that doesn't take away that it is difficult to be rejected, to feel rejected, and I understand that.

 

Yes...it is hard for both. I guess I've just been projecting my recent failed experiences in dating and my still being hurt from the breakup. I know some single women who are looking (like your friends), and I feel for them just as much as I feel for myself...since we all want to find a meaningful relationship with someone and be in love with someone

[Reflective82]

If only it were that easy MCJD....since I've been online dating I've been burned by guys who say they want something more permanent...but actually they just wanted to get me into bed

[John John]

If only it were that easy MCJD....since I've been online dating I've been burned by guys who say they want something more permanent...but actually they just wanted to get me into bed

 

What sites are you using, Reflex? Surely you can read through a guy's profile, look at his pictures etc and get a feel for what he is truly looking for?

 

I'm on a bunch, but my strategy is to use them for different things. Eharm and Match I use for legit dating...OKCupid is sort of like a wild card (whatever I can get), and POF I only use for hookups. I tweak my profile for the different audiences on each site.

 

I'm dating one girl right now I met off of OKCupid...I think she likes me more than I like her. Admittedly, I'd like to get her into bed...but I'm going to let her know that my intention (at least with her) isn't to seriously date. I don't want to hurt anyone, as I know all too well what that feels like.

[DN]

One person's personal experience does not mean that is the same for everyone. There are many reasons why people of both genders may experience difficulties, many of them spring from the person having the problem.

 

Generally speaking, men and women are reasonably kind and honest and want the same thing - a good relationship. The law of averages means that some people will find more of the less kind and dishonest.

 

But if people have unreasonable demands and expectations they will self-impose restrictions on their dating pool.

[Reflective82]

I was using Match.

 

The only thing that in hindsight gave me a clue was that he said he had fun with everyone he meets and that it wasn't bad if that's all there was...

 

But honestly, at the start, he was all saying how we got on, he really liked me, his parents would love me, he wanted to spend new years eve together....etc. I do feel I was a bit naive though because he did seem to ask me to come round a lot, but I was on the rebound so I wasn't as strict as I usually am. I should just never have slept with him without discussing things-- but it really sucked and wasn't a blow I needed.

 

From a guy's perspective-- what was the reason he only wanted me for sex? Is it my personality? Or maybe he didn't think I was hot enough to go out with? Although he said he thinks I'm really pretty ....

[John John]

I'm sure it wasn't you. It's very hard for me to gauge what his reasoning was for not wanting to seriously date you...did he recently go through a painful breakup? Do you know anything about his history with women?

 

That's pretty douchey of him to say all those things to you, get your hopes up like that, and then pretty much drop you. I'm sorry that happened to you. In my experience from myself and my guy friends, we would only say those things to a girl if we really meant it. But there are some players out there who "play dirty" and will say anything to get women in bed. I'm sure as hell not one of them.

 

With the girl I'm seeing now, I've been extra cautious to not lead her on. In fact, I hinted in our third date this past Monday about a "casual sexual relationship." I think she wants to sleep with me too, but I do think she likes me more than that. So I'm being very careful. We're supposed to hang out again this weekend, but she's a nice girl, and I don't want to hurt her, so I'm going to tell her beforehand that I don't want to seriously date.

[Reflective82]

He was hurting yeah from a 6 month thing, but it had only been a short term relationship....I was sympathetic but I honestly just wanted to sometimes say, LOOK- I WAS WITH MY EX FOR 4.5 YEARS!! ha ha.

 

I don't know whether it was that or whether I just did something to put him off. I suppose being more into him than he was me. But it was just hard when they are giving you the talk-- at my age I should know better as lots of guys do that, it's just hard to wonder what it is about you they don't like. Like what is it with this girl that makes you want to not date her seriously? Is it that she isn't good looking enough?

[John John]

He was hurting yeah from a 6 month thing, but it had only been a short term relationship....I was sympathetic but I honestly just wanted to sometimes say, LOOK- I WAS WITH MY EX FOR 4.5 YEARS!! ha ha.

 

I don't know whether it was that or whether I just did something to put him off. I suppose being more into him than he was me. But it was just hard when they are giving you the talk-- at my age I should know better as lots of guys do that, it's just hard to wonder what it is about you they don't like. Like what is it with this girl that makes you want to not date her seriously? Is it that she isn't good looking enough?

 

To be honest with you, I don't know. She is good looking. I just don't feel the "x factor" with her. Perhaps that's because I'm still somewhat emotionally unavailable, due to the fact that I'm still getting over this breakup. I really don't know what it is. I just don't "feel it."

 

But I do plan on letting her know my intentions before our next date. She's a nice girl and doesn't deserve to be hurt.

[Reflective82]

Hmm, yeah maybe that is what it was with him. I am ashamed to say I put up with it-- but towards the end I once saw the guy browsing match after we had had sex! I think he was very emotionally unavailable

 

Definitely let her know...x

[Ms Darcy]

With the girl I'm seeing now, I've been extra cautious to not lead her on. In fact, I hinted in our third date this past Monday about a "casual sexual relationship." I think she wants to sleep with me too, but I do think she likes me more than that. So I'm being very careful. We're supposed to hang out again this weekend, but she's a nice girl, and I don't want to hurt her, so I'm going to tell her beforehand that I don't want to seriously date.

 

If you don't want to hurt her, be honest. I am looking for a relationship but I don't think we would be compatible for one. I would be open to a sexual relationship that eventually ends.

 

Why not? That girl is like Reflective and hoping for more.

[Ms Darcy]

Hmm, yeah maybe that is what it was with him. I am ashamed to say I put up with it-- but towards the end I once saw the guy browsing match after we had had sex! I think he was very emotionally unavailable

 

Definitely let her know...x

 

Here is one possibility to consider. Maybe he was like MCJD ... we have this great opportunity to get insight on guys and I think we should really think about how what we learn might apply to our situations.

 

So, maybe this guy was looking for a relationship and knew fairly quickly with you that he didn't want one. But he did want sex. So he just put in little effort while he kept looking.

 

Either way, a lot of guys know pretty early if you are gf potential or fwb potential and treat you accordingly. (same the other way around).

[Lonewing]

He was hurting yeah from a 6 month thing, but it had only been a short term relationship....I was sympathetic but I honestly just wanted to sometimes say, LOOK- I WAS WITH MY EX FOR 4.5 YEARS!! ha ha.

 

I don't know whether it was that or whether I just did something to put him off. I suppose being more into him than he was me. But it was just hard when they are giving you the talk-- at my age I should know better as lots of guys do that, it's just hard to wonder what it is about you they don't like. Like what is it with this girl that makes you want to not date her seriously? Is it that she isn't good looking enough?

 

Time has no bearing on how hard a breakup hurts. None whatsoever.

[Reflective82]

I guess what would be interesting to me is to find out WHY he didn't think I wasn't relationship material-- and also why he lied and hinted that he thought we were a match and got on well....etc. I guess sometimes there isn't a concrete reason, maybe we just didn't click.

[John John]

Here is one possibility to consider. Maybe he was like MCJD ... we have this great opportunity to get insight on guys and I think we should really think about how what we learn might apply to our situations.

 

So, maybe this guy was looking for a relationship and knew fairly quickly with you that he didn't want one. But he did want sex. So he just put in little effort while he kept looking.

 

Either way, a lot of guys know pretty early if you are gf potential or fwb potential and treat you accordingly. (same the other way around).

 

Exactly Darcy. I think women and men alike know early on (within 2-3 dates, I'd say) if they like a person enough to seriously date them, or just want a fwb situation. Some people know within meeting someone for only an hour!

 

I wasn't sure about this girl at first. It was in our last date on Monday that I decided I just didn't feel anything serious with her. I remember being at the bar talking to her thinking to myself "I'm not sure why I don't feel it, but I just don't." As I was walking home, I wondered if it's because I'm still emotionally unavailable. Maybe I'd like to believe that if I met the right woman, I would be emotionally available. Right now, I'd say the problem is probably mostly me lol. And I did tell this girl I'm only 7 months out from a very serious relationship, so hopefully she will understand. We touched upon the topic of casual sex (since I joked about her OKC profile saying as much), and her answer lead me to believe that she likes me. I was like "oh sh#t, I'm in trouble" lol.

 

I had another date with another girl Saturday night...one I was REALLY looking forward to. We had texted almost every single day for like two weeks. I nixed her because I just didn't feel it with her either, but with her, I think it was because she was more of the "princess" type. And I just find that a turn off. She seemed a little entitled...and there was no kiss at the end, so I'm assuming she wasn't feeling me either (I kissed the other girl the first night we met). LOL only $70 later... >

 

Dating really is hard for both sexes lol. Especially when you're a good person and don't want to hurt anyone in order to secure fwb...

[Lonewing]

Amen Mrs Darcy.

 

For women, getting a man to marry you can be so hard. So many guys are happy to date you, sleep with you....but especially in this day and age, don't want to committ.

 

Well, Yeah. marriage is a zero sum game for men right now. Zero Sum. All it guarantees anymore is that we'll be stuck with That One Woman until she's done with us - that's all it guarantees. What's worse is when she grows up into someone we have no interest in being around - what then? Or when she is everything we want to be around, but she holds the keys to the gates with an iron fist. What then?

 

If we don't get married, we never have to get divorced. When we're tired of it, when we know we'd be better off single than in the relationship, we can break it off and run. Just like that, no legal hoops unless we've been careless in how we've allowed our assets to be mixed together, or if we've naïve to the common law time limit.

 

Things COULD get worse. We could run off and cheat. Or we could discover our spouse has been cheating. One way or another, we could end up in divorce court, carving up the estate and what time we have with the children. The children are the worst part, because they come with a hefty paycheck, hence any human being with a good sense of household management will fight tooth and nail to get that privilege to be the primary care home. Of course, if we have kids outside of marriage, what rights men have are much, much smaller, but that's just how it goes.

 

Why would we want to commit to putting a noose around our neck?

[Thorshammer]

From a guy's perspective-- what was the reason he only wanted me for sex? Is it my personality? Or maybe he didn't think I was hot enough to go out with? Although he said he thinks I'm really pretty ....

 

I cant speak for him, but i can speak for myself. I do this with a woman who i dont want to be with, either because they arent at my level when it comes to attraction, or they are annoying in some way, or i cant trust them. I wouldnt lie about it, but i wouldnt discuss relationships. If she flat-out asked me, i would tell her i dont see her as my gf. I have hurt a few women, but they wanted sex more than i did, and we never discussed a relationship and neither was it ever promised. Its only until i lose interest that they confess they were hurt because they wanted more. I have dated women who just wanted sex, i am not a mind-reader, i cant tell the difference with some of them- even my ex of 3 years was quiet about relationship talks until i blurted out that i wanted her in my life.