Girls saying "all the good guys are taken" is insulting

[Ayanokōji]

Can I ask, how can a guy who possess "Confidence, smarts, a good heart, positive energy, PERSONALITY" be unemployed, lives with his parents and has no savings?

 

I really want to emphasis on those 2 traits smarts and good heart because I'm pretty sure that if you are smart you can find employment and work your way up and according to my mom, living with your parents after 21 years of age indicate a bad heart because you are still leeching off them and living on their expense. She says and I quote, "No good hearted person would do such a thing as living/leeching with his/her parents after adulthood".

[Alone Now]

To me a "worthy guy" is one of good character, someone from whom I can learn and teach. A man who is funny, who is always trying to better himself through various sources. A man who believes in God, is kind to people, who is dedicated to his children, me and my child. A guy who has felt the sting of defeat, but gets up every morning and faces the day with a positive attitude. I don't need a man who is rich because I would rather have substance. Looks are not as important as his values and morals. I have only met one man like this, and I ruined the friendship with him over a man that I know I have no real future with.

[Alone Now]

She says and I quote, "No good hearted person would do such a thing as living/leeching with his/her parents after adulthood".

 

Your mom has no idea of today's economy does she?

[Ayanokōji]

To me a "worthy guy" is one of good character, someone from whom I can learn and teach. A man who is funny, who is always trying to better himself through various sources. A man who believes in God, is kind to people, who is dedicated to his children, me and my child. A guy who has felt the sting of defeat, but gets up every morning and faces the day with a positive attitude. I don't need a man who is rich because I would rather have substance. Looks are not as important as his values and morals. I have only met one man like this, and I ruined the friendship with him over a man that I know I have no real future with.

 

So a guy with good character and is "Trying to better himself" will do so by not seeking employment and leeching off his parents?

 

Are you planning on financially supporting him + future children etc...? Because he sure isn't likely to with that kind of income.

If hes got such good character then why is he not taking responsibility like everyone else and finding employment to make his contribution to the world? It's not like hes out there doing volunteer work and helping people, hes fixing stuff for money because he can't find employment.

 

A man who believes in God? Didn't it say in the bible, God gave $5000 to the first person, $2000 or was it $3000 to the second and $1000 to the last person, first person doubled his net worth and ended up with $10000 which God was happy with and blessed him, second person also doubled his net worth and ended up with either $4000 or $6000 and the last guy buried it under the ground and sat on it which God was furious with and punished the guy.

 

Isn't that basically telling you to go out and work, don't be unemployed and leech off your parents?

 

Also I'm not sure what your last comment is trying to imply, has no idea of today's economy? Shes actually pretty wealthy and worked her ass off as a single mother to get there from scratch so I'm pretty sure she has a good idea of the modern economy.

[itsallgrand]

The key is to keep them temporary and move on, rather than stewing in a cauldron of your own bitter juices.

 

Exactly. Feel your frustration and then move on.

 

Here are some positives: you are young, you can date a wide range of women now (from early twenties up), if you've been single for a bit you've had a chance to get your own head together and know what you like and what you have to offer and what you actually are looking for in a relationship. You've had a chance to learn to be self sufficient.

 

To me, it's a sign when this stuff starts to get to a person. Sometimes it can signal a funk, or going off track somewhere with yourself, or not being quite as happy as you could be. Reassess and see what you could do to get back to the positive attitude about women/dating. Maybe it means a break for a bit. Or widening your net or what you are willing to try. Or something else.

 

good luck.

[Blue_Skirt]

I can understand your frustration, but yes I think you sound cynical, not all women are like this. There are other women than the ones you described. Perhaps you need to look in different places if you have only come accross women as you described them.

 

I am an independent woman. I can live my own life and can take my own decisions. I have my own place, my own car and I can make a living for myself, I don’t need a man for that. As long as a man has a decent place to live, drives a car (I live in the country side, you’re lost without a car here, lol) and can make a living for himself, that’s enough for me when it comes to the “money” thing. I never wanted to have children and have no desire to get married, so I am not looking for someone who can take care of me financially.

 

What is important for me is sharing the same values and having the same interests. I like doing things together, have fun together, laugh together, talk together and also cry together. I want to be there for the other person if he needs me emotionally and the other way around. And if the man with whom I can share this happens to be a “dark haired charismatic lawyer that makes 6 figures”, so be it, but that’s not what I am looking for in the first place.

[Blue_Skirt]

I wouldn't even consider someone who didn't have all these things. Values, personaliy, and looks are all important too, but the stuff you mentioned are prerequisites. Problem is lots of people date others who don't have these basics down and then act like it's not their own fault when it fails later and they wasted their time.

I can agree with you in such a way, that I am a woman, who is financially independent. I make my own living and can take care of myself. I expect a man to be as independent as I am.

[Lonewing]

Can I ask, how can a guy who possess "Confidence, smarts, a good heart, positive energy, PERSONALITY" be unemployed, lives with his parents and has no savings?

 

I really want to emphasis on those 2 traits smarts and good heart because I'm pretty sure that if you are smart you can find employment and work your way up and according to my mom, living with your parents after 21 years of age indicate a bad heart because you are still leeching off them and living on their expense. She says and I quote, "No good hearted person would do such a thing as living/leeching with his/her parents after adulthood".

 

You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?

 

Employment and wealth are poor indicators of a good heart, confidents or smarts. A backstabber, that's someone who stays employed because they always have a fall guy to throw under the bus when there's pink slips falling, or is distancing himself from the issues while making himself look better. There happens to be two cultures int eh work force, there is the Stuff they tell you and the stuff they don't tell you, and while they will tell you that the company runs on the boiler plate they tell you, there's the unspoken rules that the company actually runs by. This is everywhere.

 

So a guy can possess all these wonderful things, and indeed, be the most unemployable people on earth - by simple virtue that he doesn't play their game.

 

Guess who owns the game - you can get a good understanding every time you see a hot woman go up three ranks in four years when it would take any normal human being eight or more to make the same progress...

 

Staying home with parents is also a sign of someone who's more committed to helping their own kin then they are to leaving their kin to be in an old folks home or to be alone. Did you know, in some countries around the world, they actually keep their parents at home until they pass away? Shocking, now isn't it?

 

Our people have a pretty poor understanding of social studies on this side of the globe, we're taught to become islands. Yes, Islands. First we're taught to throw off our parents, then eventually, we're taught to throw off spouses too. Cause obviously, if your spouse becomes unemployed or undesirable, they're just a burden and they need to be cut loose...

[Lonewing]

She may be a wonderful capitalist but she's done nothing to raise spouse material...

 

My sister in law's husband is the hearth warmer in his household, his wife wears the pants. She's an ob-gyn, she makes more in a month than he could make in a semester. Tell me why he should work like you think all people should work.

 

Here's a heads up, there's a ton more places for people to be of a noble capacity beyond being cogs in your wheel. They don't need to be out volunteering for the community, when their greatest contribution is a strong household - that in and of itself is more valuable than all the work and volunteering he could ever do. Even though you may have lots of money, it won't do you a damn bit of good when it comes time to being comfortable in your own home. Once your mother gets old enough, she'll understand, those retirement homes suck down money so fast!

[Lonewing]

I can agree with you in such a way, that I am a woman, who is financially independent. I make my own living and can take care of myself. I expect a man to be as independent as I am.

 

Alas, many of the men as independent as you are expect their women to be 9s or 10s even if they themselves are only 5s, and while they'll happily marry a 6 or 7 to get the things they're missing in their lives, they'll happily throw themselves up for a fling with a 9 or 10 should she happen to come by, even if it is cheating...

 

Messed up world...

[Blue_Skirt]

Alas, many of the men as independent as you are expect their women to be 9s or 10s even if they themselves are only 5s, and while they'll happily marry a 6 or 7 to get the things they're missing in their lives, they'll happily throw themselves up for a fling with a 9 or 10 should she happen to come by, even if it is cheating...

 

Messed up world...

??? I don’t understand a word of your post but that’s just me. What is the link between being independent and cheating?

[Lonewing]

??? I don’t understand a word of your post but that’s just me. What is the link between being independent and cheating?

 

The link is between "I'm hot stuff" and "I'm worth more than what I have."

 

First he expects you to look like a 9 or a 10. Because he is successful, he has earned that hot woman on his arm.

Even if he Looks like a 5. Yes, exceedingly superficial, but there's a lot of water in this cup.

 

Next, he'll "settle" and marry a 6 or a 7 if that's what he has to do to get kids.

But as soon as he sniffs a good 9 or 10, he'll dump her for the fling.

Or he'll divorce her and go his merry way - and not give it a second thought.

Or he'll just go and cheat behind her back.

Because he's the successful, independent man who deserves his success.

 

When you're independent, there's no reason to develop dependents. I dare say yes, the more independent you are, the easier it is for you to cheat. You have little to no personal investment in your partner, or otherwise you develop dependency, and for the independent individual, this is bad. As an independent person, you keep yourself far enough reserved where the relationship with your spouse is as fragile as a friendship or an association, hence, if you spend more time with someone else, you'll find yourself drifting and quickly. Why? Because you've moved your emotional relationship form A to B without even realizing it just because you spend more time in a social capacity with B than A.

 

Marriages are built on a co-dependency that is at it's heart a partnership of needs and wants, that at the end of the day works because it's mutually crucial to both individuals. When it's no longer a co-op, but a merger or a hostile take over, or the feeling of a corporate partnership, well, lets just say long term marriage is not very compatible with natural capitalism. Capitalism says you drive for what's the best for you no matter what the costs, so long as the overall outcome outweighs the overall costs. Capitalism heralds making the most of what you can get now and then using those chips to trade up and often to maximize your portfolio. A good capitalist will divorce his wife without a second feeling. A gambling capitalist will have the affair. Both realities hurt no less than the other.

[Kendahke]

if this is your experience, then you're running in behind the wrong women.

 

As I said earlier, everyone is entitled to their preferences, but they also have to own their lonliness because of said preferences. The women you felt owed you interest just because you were interested in them really didn't owe you anything. If you weren't the kind of guy that turns them on, then that's just what is. There are women out there who don't like smooth, but they may be a little overweight or they may not be stylish or they may be the kind of woman that if you took her around your boys, they'd be all on your head the next time they saw you for even being seen with her.

 

So that which is the basis of your frustration can also be the basis of some woman's frustration about you, too.

[Blue_Skirt]

When you're independent, there's no reason to develop dependents. I dare say yes, the more independent you are, the easier it is for you to cheat.

OK, then I think we just have different views on life, but that’s fine. But I can’t agree with you that the more independent you are, the easier it is to cheat. Anyway, I am single since 21 months and I am glad that I am financially independent. So I don’t have to “throw” myself on the market because I would be desperate for a man who can look after me. That’s a very comfortable position to be in.

[happpybear]

I know this guy too. And I see him land girls, for relationships that then for a couple months Then they crash and burn...almost always by their doing and not by his own.

 

He's got great charisma for attracting women, but it's not the kind of material that holds a woman - if anything, as soon as she realizes he is who he is and always will be, they run. And he laments how these girls, his fiancés are running off with his friends, cheating, or off playing silly games...

 

In time, the excuses and the dreams are just that - they lead to nothing.

 

 

this is not the way it goes for the guy i know, all his relationships are super long term. he is a really good guy.

 

Can I ask, how can a guy who possess "Confidence, smarts, a good heart, positive energy, PERSONALITY" be unemployed, lives with his parents and has no savings?

 

I really want to emphasis on those 2 traits smarts and good heart because I'm pretty sure that if you are smart you can find employment and work your way up and according to my mom, living with your parents after 21 years of age indicate a bad heart because you are still leeching off them and living on their expense. She says and I quote, "No good hearted person would do such a thing as living/leeching with his/her parents after adulthood".

 

He is in his situation because that how the cookie crumbled for him, bad economy, ill parent, school debt. some people still live with their parents and it has nothing to do with leeching.

 

i posted this example as a way to let the OP realize that the "requirements" that the OP thinks are mandatory for attracting a woman are wrong. SOME women are superfiial and want only money and looks. But i think the vast majority of woman want to see the whole package, and realize that no one is perfect, and that shared values, chemistry and outlook in life are as important if not more important that status

 

I chose not to pursue a guy a few months ago. he was a really sexy guy, made good money, was established, had loads of ambition. I was attracted to him from the beginning, i felt a spark. as i got to know him more, i realized that despite all the good stuff, he was really insecure about himself, he felt he had something to prove to people and liked to bragg and talk about his accomlishments. his personality was meh....and we don't share the same values when it comes to sex/love. so i lost interest and nexted him. but he sure did look good on paper.

[Lonewing]

this is not the way it goes for the guy I know, all his relationships are super long term. He is a really good guy.

 

All of them? How long do you call super long term, 5 years, 8 years? So he hasn't had one relationship stay truly long term, longer than what, 10, 15, 20 years?

 

My mom stayed married to my stepdad for nearly 10 years. The relationship was plagued with the issues that prevent my ex-stepdad from being serious long term potential - the same issues that prevent him form being even a serious long term father figure to my sister.

 

It may take a person 10, 20 years of Trying to fix things before they realize it can't be fixed. It took my mom twice to figure it out, the first marriage was nearly 20, the second nearly 10, and now she doesn't like being alone, but she'd rather be alone than stuck with a ******* man who keeps taking her legs out from under her.

 

A truly good guy is someone who lasts 30, 40, 50 years.

[happpybear]

his first RS was 7 years, ended when he was 23-ish.. Second RS lasted about 6-7ish years i believe which brought him up to his early 30's. He has been single since by choice due to feeling weird about dating someone while unemployed.

 

personally, i think 7 years is super long. i have never had a rs last past 2 years. but that's just me. You may not feel that 7 years is substantial enough for be considered long, but i think that it is long enough to show that someone has what it takes to make a relationship work. I think it is unfair to say that he isn't a good person because he hasn't been in a 30 year relationship. he is only 35.

 

This is the last i will extrapolate on my friends situation because i feel that it is derailing the thread a bit at this point

[Slimpee]

OP, i'm 6'2", workout and eat pretty well (although i'm not built or anything), dark-haired, somewhat tan, been described as charismatic, and a lawyer-to-be. Yet, I have trouble with women.

 

I used to, and sometimes still do, wonder why I don't "get" women. I find it easy to feel sorry for myself and, in a sense, martyr myself. Over the past few years I was faced with a lot of insecurities that were brought out...stuff that i'm still dealing with. Also, I'm not yet settled in my career. Basically, I can feel deep down that i'm not quite "ready" for something serious. That doesn't stop me from asking out women occasionally (you never know when you'll meet someone special), but something in my gut tells me that I need to get a job, secure my finances, and get settled somewhere before i'll be more comfortable with myself and thus in a better position to devote myself more to someone. Inch-by-inch i'm getting closer.

 

It sounds like you have that stability so perhaps it's something else holding you back...and it's certainly not being a 6'2" charismatic lawyer. Feeling confident in being a good partner is a great trait but has it led you to feeling entitled? Do you have some insecurities that are holding you back? Do you see a pattern in the type of women for whom you develop feelings?

 

It seems as if you're sitting there seething in silence because you want these women to "discover" how great a guy you are. Problem is, you're not "entitled" to be discovered. You're not entitled to anything and blaming women will only further exacerbate your negativity towards the fairer sex. This negativity will permeate every interaction with women even if you don't consciously notice. Every (well-adjusted) woman on this forum will say that negativity is a huge turn-off.

 

You can't control women. You can only control yourself so perhaps it's time to confront any ugly truths you may be trying to ignore. Take a long, hard, honest look at how you feel about yourself. It's painful but I think it'll help you better understand yourself. Once you're more comfortable with yourself, I bet you'll be more attractive to women.

 

Good luck, homie!

[radiohead20]

Wow, this is a great response. I do have insecurities, although I am not sure they are apparent when I talk to women, as I don't have an issue talking to people and can do so confidently.

 

While I Was going for a run today I really started thinking about the fact that feeling lonely and bad about myself takes up so much of my energy and time. Ever since my last relationship, where I lost the one girl I could see myself with (forever), I felt like I was doomed to be single forever, based on the fact that not many women had been attracted to me and the one that came by and liked me for who I was was the one that I had the most chemistry with. Not a day has gone by where I have not felt bad about myself or felt like I was not an undesired person. I think about it from the moment I wake up until my head hits the sack at night. most of my time on forums would be spent going through relationship threads and feeling sorry for myself and my state, I do not think there is one day I didnt do that in the past year or so. I didn't really realize I did this to this extent until I really thought it hard today.

 

So I decided, enough of that. I don't need those negative thoughts are negative energy. It seriously bogs me down and makes me ungrateful for the things I do have, and I do have great things to be thankful for.

 

It is going to be difficult, I feel like since I have felt this way for so long that it is not going to be as simple as just saying "ok stop feeling bad about yourself". Its habit, and It is going to take some effort to be broken, but I am confident with enough positive thinking and re-focus I can get to a good place in some time. I am not going to hope that this change in thinking is going to suddenly get me girls, I Am going to hope that this change in thinking will allow me to move on and become more at peace with myself and with the opposite sex.

 

Thanks everyone for offering your advice and listening.

[Reflective82]

Honestly? It's just something women say out of frustration at being single and not having found someone yet. I wouldn't even take it to heart! I find it weird they say stay away from men over 25.....I would go the opposite way and say stay away from men under 30! Ha ha....too immature for me

[John John]

Honestly? It's just something women say out of frustration at being single and not having found someone yet. I wouldn't even take it to heart! I find it weird they say stay away from men over 25.....I would go the opposite way and say stay away from men under 30! Ha ha....too immature for me

 

I just turned 29, and I'm one of the most mature guys out there

 

It's funny...I'm actually trying to avoid women under 26, because I find them extremely immature and they usually have absolutely no idea what they want. I'm NOT getting burned by one of them again, that's for damn sure.

[Blue Spiral]

Honestly? It's just something women say out of frustration at being single and not having found someone yet. I wouldn't even take it to heart! I find it weird they say stay away from men over 25.....I would go the opposite way and say stay away from men under 30! Ha ha....too immature for me

 

Be careful. If you look a few lines below my Philosoraptor av, you'll see that age doesn't always equal maturity.

[Lonewing]

...And Hugh Heffner has a "stay away from women over 19" rule...HA!

 

Such maxims are written and spoken by the immature, who themselves are not people you want to be with...

[Reflective82]

Oh yes of course it doesn't Blue....but I'd feel more comfortable going out with a guy 5-7 years older than me than the same age. I had an issue with my ex being immature and he was 30. You can't generalise everyone but I do feel that men of say 27 are in a different place in terms of wanting to settle down than a lot of women of 27. Always exceptions though...

[Stay_home]

Like Lonewing said, let them enjoy their cats.

 

 

The common theme I've found amongst women who complain there are no good single or available men on the market is that they have unrealistic expectations. Their standards are extremely high, so high that no man on this earth can ever reach them. And the theme is always about what a man can do for them when it should be what we can do for one another. It's a very short window to climb in with women like that so I don't even try. Not with women like that, anyway.