Girls saying "all the good guys are taken" is insulting

[Lonewing]

I think one of the biggest fallacies women fall victim to is the idea that a sexless marriage is every bit as good as sex, that sex without contact can be every bit as fulfilling as true sex. Stop with this myth. Sex without contact is no better than sex as a single man alone in a confined space.

 

Of course, if you're not attracted to your partner, sex becomes a chore, and if you're not attracted to yourself, sex becomes an embarrassing bore...and then it's just not any fun being with this person you've said "hey, let's just be Me and You for the rest of our lives!" to.

 

There are wonderful amazing Husbands out there - ask them what their Wives are doing right!

[Reflective82]

I think a lot of men just get bored of the sex and attracted by a younger woman.....it happens too often for it to always be the woman just not giving them sex....if it was just about that they wouldn't always go for someone 10-20 years younger. I don't think men find many women over 50 as attractive sadly...that's the message I get from seeing this happen so often

[jonny15]

Most men do not cheat. And most of them can't get a woman that is 15 years younger than them.

 

These must be some really good lookin rich guys.

[Reflective82]

Nope! Honestly Jonny-- you see it loads where I live. I think they just get women 10-15 years younger who want them for their money, most of them are well off. I think that is a factor

[John John]

I'd never want a woman (no matter how hot she is) who wants me only for my money. Maybe to have a one night stand, but I'd never wife a woman like that no matter how young or hot. I'm not a millionaire, but I don't put my salary up on any of these datings sites specifically for this reason.

[Reflective82]

I hope it was my personality almost-- as I don't think he was that good looking!! Although that isn't great either

[Reflective82]

Ah but here is the rub MCJD----these men don't think it's their money

 

I don't even know if it is...maybe these women really do like them.

 

All I know is I find it sad and do worry about it happening to me, as do a lot of my friends. We see a lot of single women in their 50's whose partners left them and are now with the second, younger wife.

 

Suppose there is no point worrying about what may or may not happen really though....

[Slimpee]

To those of you who say dating is "really hard": do you want very much to be in a relationship right now, to have someone want you, etc?

 

I ask because it seems like those who say dating is really hard are pressing; perhaps even borderline desperate. As such, you want to find someone NOW and with each man who only wants sex, and each woman who flakes out, failure and exasperation build. I totally understand frustration but as others have said, negativity eats away at you...it's not pretty. Why allow your heart to turn into scar tissue when instead you could strive to live a life you love, which will in turn make you more attractive...

 

For example, MCJD, you've said that you have been hurt by a breakup and are probably still emotionally unavailable. You seem to be pretty bitter. Why, then, are you posting on 4 different dating sites? Why not let yourself heal up a bit and then try dating again? I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, but it seems as if you may be trying to date to salve your ego...is that fair to the women you're trying to date?

[jonny15]

Nope! Honestly Jonny-- you see it loads where I live. I think they just get women 10-15 years younger who want them for their money, most of them are well off. I think that is a factor

 

When a guy is rich, it's much easier for him to get a yonger woman.

 

But a woman can do the same if she's rich.

 

Sadly, I have no money. haha

 

The guys you are talking about are a small group of men that do not even come close to represnting the majority of men.

[Lonewing]

Then why are there so many books, best selling books, marketed to women on how to find a man and get him to marry you?

 

All of my single female friends who want marriage think dating is very hard and are having a hard time finding someone compatible with them.

 

It's like we are ignoring there are different needs for people and other people's needs are less important than our own.

 

There's a ton of books...

 

I think that's a very important point - and the best place to start is to identify your own needs first so that you at least limit the datable pool to just those who have the interests necessary to fill your needs. Second step is identifying their needs and being very honest if these are things we can facilitate or not.

 

One example, a girl who likes to travel. When her profile says she likes to travel, and her pictures are an album from all around the world, I cross her off the list without reservation. I cannot support that lifestyle, nor do I ever foresee myself living my life in that manner - unless, of course, I became a successful novel author, in which case then it would be vital. But otherwise, I would not be much fun for such a girl, so I don't put her thorough the frustration of being in love with a man who doesn't like moving much less travelling - nothing against her, I just never make the connection in the first place.

 

The other one I cross off is the "I have a drink in every picture because all my pictures are when I'm out at the club!" girls. No thanks...

 

Special diets by choice... No thanks. Special diets by allergies...Very unfortunate, but I prefer not to have to live a life where I actually have to watch what my partner eats because something I shrug at might kill her or cause her discomfort. Gluten...I love my wheat...Vegetables, well, We are what we eat, and Cows are Vegetarians, so by logical progression, that means I'm a vegetarian too...Right? No way in heck is anybody coming between me and my rib eye, ahem, New York Strip, I've moved to a leaner cut!!

 

That being said, leaner. I've tried, to the best of my ability, to forge a relationship with a heavyset girl. Luckily for me, she eventually moved back to where she is from [her life dictated the move] and we parted cleanly, because otherwise I would have been facing a very real crisis. In a lot of ways, she's a sweet girl - and intellectually, we understand each other very well. Alas, there's that elephant in the room...I hate it, but it really does affect me. Sex was Hard with her...the last thing I want in my permanent relationship is a difficult sex life!

 

Other silly things... I won't date a girl who isn't into oral or is into religion...If she doesn't like giving oral, there's an extremely high chance I'll end up cheating to get it. If she doesn't like receiving oral, it's actually a huge issue - that puts us in a very bad place, relationship-wise. Religion...well, we've all seen the threads that go there... So why should I set us up for failure?

 

Obviously these are all my needs, but more importantly and in a direct manner, these are Her needs that I cannot and will not match. These are things we cannot as adults so easily changed, as at this point in our life we know what we like and what we love.

 

I would, however, happily date a girl who still has a Harrison Ford poster on her bedroom door...

[Thorshammer]

Nope! Honestly Jonny-- you see it loads where I live. I think they just get women 10-15 years younger who want them for their money, most of them are well off. I think that is a factor

 

Like i said in my post, some genders know what attributes net them women. I am sure their wives were attracted to how much they brought in and the lifestyle they lived, just like the men were attracted to how hot their women looked when they first met. Men get their paychecks increased with time, and women lose their looks in time. I am sure the man was fully aware how excited she was when he bought her this, and took her out there, and how he was rewarded after that date. Some might wonder if the results would have been the same without those dates and gifts.

 

The force of attraction was strong in this one, and the man bows out. This is why some women i know are very cautious about dating a wealthy man.

 

I believe a couple could be in so much love that the thought of betraying them would drive them to serious guilt. I remember when my ex broke up with me and i slept with another women, and we got back together- i felt guilty for a long time that i couldnt sleep, and i have been pretty "bad" at times when it comes to being a playa (before and after her). A strong love can do that, but its not easy to find.

[Lonewing]

Dating IS Really hard. That's not a negative statement in the slightest manner whatsoever, that's a very really truth that must be acknowledged and it really helps keep one form becoming negative. We're no longer a people who just shack up with the first thing we find, and there are heavy consequences for those who do shack up and then force their partners to do things they don't want to do.

 

And we're also a people torn in a million directions that makes it difficult to be with someone else who is equally torn in a million directions. There's this girl I know, a really sweet sweet girl, I wish we could have dated, but I'm extremely glad we didn't because an opportunity came up and now she's been living in Germany for...6, 7 years? I couldn't have been there with her, we would have had to break up, and it would have been messy - I would have hated myself for the rest of my life if I decided not to go with her, but I materially Couldn't go there.

 

MCJD is looking for physical touch - nothing wrong with that, because there's a lot of women looking for it too. The simple one nighters, the flings, they really don't tear your heart up that much, especially when it's mutual. It's probably not fair to the women who rush into it hoping for something long term, but at this point, they're adults...A this point we should all know the female reproductive system will NOT make a man swoon over the moon any more... Except my first Ex, sex with her was amazing. The rest...well, looking back, not so much. I just liked being with her because yes, I was THAT attracted to her!

[Blue Spiral]

Then why are there so many books, best selling books, marketed to women on how to find a man and get him to marry you?

 

Books for men tend to be about getting a relationship with a woman, period. Books for women tend to be about finding a man "worthy" of marrying them, and then convincing them to actually marry them.

 

If life were a basketball game, sex would be a two-point shot, and marriage would be a three-point shot. Women can take the two-pointers for granted, they're trying to work on the three-pointers. Men, meanwhile, struggle with two-pointers. Women can easily accomplish the thing that men want, but don't value it as much. The same isn't true for men, though--some say we're the "gatekeepers of marriage," but that only applies to the men that women want to marry.

[Reflective82]

Thors- I think you've hit the nail on my head-- the men who did this are all pretty well off, including my dad.

 

And I tend to date not rich men, but not poor.

 

Damn....

[Lonewing]

Ah but here is the rub MCJD----these men don't think it's their money

 

I don't even know if it is...maybe these women really do like them.

 

All I know is I find it sad and do worry about it happening to me, as do a lot of my friends. We see a lot of single women in their 50's whose partners left them and are now with the second, younger wife.

 

Suppose there is no point worrying about what may or may not happen really though....

 

Let us all remember...

The race is not over when we finally meet that one

The race is not over when we finally ask them out

The race is not over when they say yes.

The race is not over when we go on that first date

The race is not over when we last long enough to propose

The race is not over when we actually say "I do."

The race is not over when we have kids...

 

The race is over when one of us dies, disappears, or quits. And then, someone wins.

Until then, the race is not won...

[John John]

That's exactly it. I'm looking for physical touch...I suppose whatever form that may take (flings, fwb, dating, etc.). It's better than the alternative of being completely alone.

 

There are many women out there who are looking for the same thing. And as I said earlier, I have no intentions of hurting anyone, so I always make my intentions known to these women.

[Slimpee]

Dating IS Really hard. That's not a negative statement in the slightest manner whatsoever, that's a very really truth that must be acknowledged and it really helps keep one form becoming negative. We're no longer a people who just shack up with the first thing we find, and there are heavy consequences for those who do shack up and then force their partners to do things they don't want to do.

 

Finding the right person can definitely be hard...and frustrating. The negativity comes from assuming one gender has the advantage, or saying that "Men just want to have sex and then date younger women" or "Women just want guys with money". The negativity comes from blame.

 

I think it's one thing to say "It's really hard to find the right person" but entirely different to say "Geez, i'm not tall, rich, and handsome and that's all women want". The former acknowledges that you want something real and that it's hard to find that person while the latter is just whining (and a false statement).

 

I've been reading these forums for a few years now and one strong undercurrent circulating between tons of threads is that a lot of people simply don't want to look at themselves in the mirror and make changes.

 

When faced with any challenge, dating or not, you have a choice: 1. blame the world for your trouble and use your circumstances as an excuse or 2. acknowledge the trouble, examine what you can do to improve it, and then go do it. Take losing weight for example: many people blame genetics, hectic job, family life, etc. But blame doesn't get you into shape. What does is acknowledging your body type, your job, and your family life and then implementing a change that is within your control. But why don't many people do it? Because it's hard. And because it forces you to admit that you just don't want it badly enough to do the work.

 

Back to dating. If you're struggling with dating, ask yourself WHY. And be brutally honest. For me, the past 3 years of school have been really difficult and i stress a lot about women. Slowly, I began to figure out that I stressed most about women when I was under pressure with school. It dawned on me that school was my REAL stressor and that in order to cope with that stress, which my mind didn't want to do, I stressed about women. I still do it. But at least now I can catch myself in that pattern and remind myself that i'm just stressed about school and I need to work on that.

 

Part of that school stress was a hit to my ego so naturally, I wanted women to like me in order to feel better about myself. Yes, that's a natural reaction, but I ended up wanting what I couldn't have in order to "prove" myself to myself. Trying to base dating not upon a solid foundation of mutual care and admiration, but rather upon a transient foundation of my ego led to predictably poor results.

 

I'm at the end of my school career, with a few big hurdles left, so I look fwd to re-entering the "real world" with a clearer understanding of who I am and what I want/need in a partner.

 

The point to this ranting is that I think it's far more productive to acknowledge what may be really bothering you and try to change what you have control over. You can't control members of the opposite sex. You can lose weight, dress better, and acknowledge inner demons that may be keeping you from being fully open and available to another.

 

/rant

[Thorshammer]

Thors- I think you've hit the nail on my head-- the men who did this are all pretty well off, including my dad.

 

And I tend to date not rich men, but not poor.

 

Damn....

 

I dont see anything wrong with that. I wont judge a woman because she wants a successful man who triggers her needs for protection/security, possessions, and who gets her flowers excited that she wants to jump his bones because he has status and power - she gets horny by watching how men fear he will fire them or reduce thier pay, same way i wont judge a women who wants a funny man who triggers her laughter, increases her dopamine, and is a riot around her friends. But, the men who you attracted will be attracted for something, and if that something is lost, and it was a big selling point or the only selling point... then it can be a big deal-breaker in the future.

 

Why say damn? I am not rich and i dated some hotties that never cared about money. I used to work retail and i had more women, and now i work as an engineer and i go home alone and single wondering why the secretary didnt say hi to me in the same sexy way as she did last week, lol.

[Lonewing]

Slimpee,

 

There's a lot we can change. The fact of the matter is, we're up against the very things we Can't change. Our character, our personality, our interests, we can't change these. I Cannot run out and become a gym rat tomorrow - I lack the lack of an imagination that holds that lifestyle up to the light. An hour, two hours, three hours a day in the gym, five days a week? I have far greater thoughts to deal with in this world and this is nothing more than wasted time! I'm in good shape, I'm just not in athletic form - and see no reason for it. What I have been doing instead, is a ~300,000word set of novels. There's a huge difference between the two skill sets!

 

But I have a plan. I'm going to get this published, and if I am successful, I will have the amount of money to buy any number of women I may so want, AHEM! I mean...well, I'll be far more confident sitting in that chair in a date because I know when it comes to the fickle soft issues [every girl wants security, entertainment, and opportunity] I'm backed by gold. That effectively brings the table to Just how attracted she is to me, because everything else is within her criteria.

 

Now you say these things can be changed, and yes, many things CAN be changed. But let us take a true, and I hate using this phrase, "Horseface." That's what the guys here call them. No matter of makeup or fashion will fix what this person has, and if it's a woman, it's going to make it extremely hard for her to catch much. She had might as well go fishing with torpedoes and hand grenades, knocking the competition down and stunning the game, because by any other nice device, she'd might as well not even put a hook on the line...[she WILL catch a lot, but it's just guys looking for an easy score]

 

My hope is that some day, genetic engineering will be at the level where these people will be able to look like what they'd look like if they had a choice in the matter, where this issue is not longer present. I suppose this is an ugly reflection of myself, but I do believe at the end of the day, the truth is not what we tell ourselves, but what we observe. We go to great lengths and say "don't judge a book by the cover," and yet then we fall into the world and find out the World DOES judge the book by the cover!

 

Until that day, I throw the question to you: Do you REALLY think a girl who Looks unattractive actually has an equal chance as a girl who does look attractive, or that there is something she could physically do to look as appealing as the roses and the daffodils? I want you to consider Flowers, and now think about all those flowers that we call "weeds." Tell me, what can a Weed do to make itself so appealing the gardener will leave it to flourish alongside the Flowers. And we won't even consider a pretty weed, we'll consider the weed Horehound. How can Horehound change her attitude to level her playing field?

 

The honest truth is, She CAN'T. She was born horehound. And while there are some people out there who appreciate horehound, they are few and very far between, often only after they learn to appreciate the weed and for other reasons beyond the first obvious reason. For the rest of the world, though, it's still just a weed.

 

This is why I'm so beat up about this Weight issue. I really don't like these implications of this last relationship, but I have faced the storm head on and I LOST. I am not the nice sweet boy I may have hoped I'd grow up to be - I'm deeply affected by the visual façade!

[Thorshammer]

This is something i wrote on another post that can fit in here;

 

Watch the netflix documentary science of sexual attraction (something like that, i dont remember the title). In it they rated people, and these people didnt know what rating they were, but the women did... the women went right after the top guy believeing they were at that level... when they told them to rate based on looks only, they picked different people tho... but at or around their level... and from what i saw, women picked 1 level higher. Then they went around asking random people on the streets if they thought the lowest rated men (the strangers didnt know they were rated) were attractive, they listed their job and income, the lowest rated guy got high marks when the income read; 250,000 a year.

[Tanzi]

You know what really surprises me? .....

 

That we have 12 pages discussing something that is nothing more than a throw away comment made by someone who simply hasn't found the right person (or her good guy) yet!!!!

 

It's not much different from the guy who calls women lesbians because they don't fancy HIM.