Heather Dawn Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Wow. If that were me, I would've stopped at nothing to get to you - no matter what I had to do. Your wife's reason sounds much more like someone explaining why she couldn't visit a (not so close) friend in the hospital, not a wife about her husband! Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Hi TB, good to see you, even if it is under such circumstances. I would never be so non-chalant about anyone's health who I care about, especially not if it was my husband. I know that your wife has struggled with many health-related issues for quite some time and you have been supporting her throughout it without fail. It may be possible (not saying that it justifies it, but it's a possible explanation) that she is so used to 'being the one suffering and requiring support' that she has become incapable of recognizing that you equally may require support at times. She may thrive in the "sufferer" role and may not be willing to share the "spotlight" with anyone else in this regard. - That is of course an entirely unhealthy situation. But it can result from years of an imbalanced relationship. Link to comment
Chloe7 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 First of all.. I was active on this forum years ago under a different name, and in hindsight your helpful advise and comments really made a difference to my life..so for that, thank you Is this the same wife that suffered from depression for years and you stood by her side? from memory you were so loving and caring and stayed true to your vows. I also remember you being very wise and reasonable so you definitely are not over reaction. You are still young at 45 and can start over and get the love and care you so deserve. Please don't continue to stick around if you continue to attempt to work things and yet you are not being treated and loved the way you should be. I sincerely wish things work out the best for you! Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Kenhahke thats exactly as it is how it should be that we are by the side of loved ones when they need us the most.I feel like I am not being taken seriously over a long time but this took the cake so to speak. I could be in big trouble in the same house and it would be labelled not serious by her. What happens if I get old? It is like an emotional human feeling is switched off in her head to me. We have had a serious disvussion in recent weeks about our relationship because I have had to express these types of things and she said she cant express her feelings in words orally but wrote me the most beautiful email doing so the next morning about how she felt and loves me. I felt awesome after reading this but a few days later this happened and gave me hard reality that nothing has changed but my life is at risk as well here. Its a hard thing to get my head around especially when I see wives which do give love to their husbands openly supporting them and I dont have that. Penelope it is like she cant express her emotions towards me by spoken way and like something in her logical mind does not work with feelings to act how youd expect. Her parents were not affectionate so it seems she emulated it. It seems strange me writing such a story but Ive grown alot because something wasn't quite right so I got counselling help asked questions and become aware. Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Chloe you are welcome Link to comment
Fudgie Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I'm with the others...if you are NOT a hypochondriac (and it doesn't sound like you are), then there's no reason why she can't be there. She's your damn wife for crying out loud. You remarked that you already feel like you "live alone". Sounds like she doesn't treat you well regardless, so in a sad way, her actions here in not seeing you at the hospital reflect that. What are you going to do? And I'll tell you something....my boyfriend's grandfather suffered a major heart attack and went to the hospital. My boyfriend went but I didn't go because I DON'T like the guy because of things he's done. I ALWAYS visit close friends and family in the hospital, always. Even my grandmother, who had a manipulative streak, I was there almost everyday. When I don't visit someone of that nature in the hospital, it's because I don't like them and don't make them a priority and don't care about them knowing about it. Think about that. Think about your wife's priorities here. Link to comment
greywolf Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Is she like this in a lot of things? Because it may be that she doesn't want to face how serious it could be. My grandparents were together for a very very long time, but when my grandfather was dying in the hospital, my grandmother just could not come. She said that she could not watch him die. But no one that knew them could say that she didn't love or care about him. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Is she like this in a lot of things? Because it may be that she doesn't want to face how serious it could be. My grandparents were together for a very very long time, but when my grandfather was dying in the hospital, my grandmother just could not come. She said that she could not watch him die. But no one that knew them could say that she didn't love or care about him. My grandma was largely the same. But she was like that with many people and treated my grandpa well. If OP is not being treated well at home, then that's very telling within itself. If she otherwise treated him well and their relationship was a good one and she just couldn't stand hospitals, I wouldn't hold it against her. Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 It was not the hospital which put her off or any sentiment towards me as I cant say I really saw felt any support or concern for myself from her. It is like the brain and any empathy did not equate to be by her husbands side or an attempt to see me that night. I know she "loves" me in her way but is this love? It is a bit of a mindscrew and I somehow believe some women out there must be capable to be there with their man in support love and mist importantly respect. It makes you wonder why they want to be with you at all if things like thesr happen. This is not an easy thing to comprehend but I do deserve better. Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 Take my life from fear helplessness to empowerment. If my life will better without her then that is a decision I must make then get on with life as best I can Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I don't know the back story, because I didn't read your old threads, but your wife has a mental illness? Maybe that is stopping her from dealing with the situation properly (ie. coming to see you in the hospital) and also expressing her feelings properly besides by using the written word. However, that doesn't mean you don't have a right to be upset with her.. Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 She had a mental illness for years and I stayed by her side but mental illness is different from selfishness and that is what I am seeing Link to comment
ColumbiaGorge Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Take my life from fear helplessness to empowerment. If my life will better without her then that is a decision I must make then get on with life as best I can Simply put, she does not love you! If you love anyone or anything you'd drop everything and run to that person. I have employees who leave work and run home for a sick pet! or come to work with teary eyes because their pet is at vet not feeling well. that's love! I love my boyfriend and I can't imagine being able to sit still at home if he was at the hospital no matter how minor the issue was! Once he cut his hand chopping veggies and my heart almost stopped because when he is in pain I feel pain in my body and soul. Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 12, 2013 Author Share Posted June 12, 2013 Got angiogram results and one stent is 50 to 70% blocked so Im off to see cardiologist next week Link to comment
Fudgie Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Please take care of yourself, man. Carry a charged cell phone with you at all times and some aspirin too in case you need it. Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 12, 2013 Author Share Posted June 12, 2013 I have the meds with me and I was told by family doctor I am looking at another stent angioplasty but cardiologist will probably book me in. If I get pain again I will go back to hospital and they will do it right away. For now I am safe been told not to run on treadmill as it is not safe but can walk for now and do my job as long as angina doesnt come back. Thanks for caring. Link to comment
Roadkill Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 I am sorry, but sometimes we need others to affirm what we already know is true. But make the rest of your life enjoyable, be happy. But you have to accept that she does not love you. I would suggest writing down the reasons you should not love her, the reasons you deserve better. Read it often everyday and it will retrain your mind to help you fall out of love with her. It has helped me. Link to comment
DN Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Hope all goes well for you. Have you told your wife and, if you have, what did she say? Link to comment
top bloke Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 Thanks DN and roadkill. DN yes I told her and her reaction was shock. Which surprised me even more because of her previous action of not taking it seriously. It is a very strange way of thinking she has but as time goes on I must note then decide if this negative behaviour continues or not because it is a dealbreaker even if they love us in their way doesnt help if you may be in danger and they do the gardenning. I am going to go through this medical issue for now and if I do not see genuine human compassion despite her version of love then I will consider legal advice but of course if I see that this is what she needed to wake up to the reality and value what she has then I will continue as marriage life is a growth process. It is her time to show me what is the real deal now Link to comment
Skitten Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 I know this might sound strange but have you tried writing your wife a letter? She might understand or at least grasp what you are trying to say to her better if she sees it in writing. I know some people are like that. In saying that I feel that there is no excuse for not being with you when you went through everything and for not going with you to the hospital, I couldn't imagine not being there for my husband if anything happened to him, to be honest if he falls asleep on the couch and I cant hear him breath I panic and stare at him till I see his chest move and he doesn't have any medical issues and I know that he feels the same way about me, when I had to have surgury he didn't move from my bedside till I had woken up. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 It's kinda like she's in denial, but it's still not acceptable. Link to comment
top bloke Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 It is 5 weeks today that 2 more stents were inserted and my health is not in danger even though they left another blockage I have totally changed diet because I am blocking 10% a year so if my heart disease does not stop or slow down I will be in danger in 4 to 7 years again. I must still seriously consider the rest of my life years that I am still ok. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 It is 5 weeks today that 2 more stents were inserted and my health is not in danger even though they left another blockage I have totally changed diet because I am blocking 10% a year so if my heart disease does not stop or slow down I will be in danger in 4 to 7 years again. I must still seriously consider the rest of my life years that I am still ok. Thank you for the update. Glad to see that you are closely monitoring your health. ...chi Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Good to hear that you're watching your diet now. Take care of yourself. Link to comment
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