Is he confused???

[pumpkinmoon]

Some yes, in most cases no. But I don't think anyone would sacrifice their chance of having children just because they have a cat or a dog, which usually turns out fine anyway.

 

And ok, I accept what you say. Was just giving my opinion and trying to offer advice on something that I think you will regret in the future.

[CocoaBean]

I was really just wondering why he would be doing all these things still... And he doesn't have to work for the sex. That is also weird. We didn't have a steady sex life for a while, I finally changed birth control the same week we broke up. We used to have a LOT of sex, even up till about a year ago, then switched birth control, and bam. Absolutely NO sex drive. Really wish I would have realized it sooner!

 

He would try, and I would turn him down, then when we did he would say it was on,y because he wanted to... It was very hard. I WANTED to want him. I just didn't WANT anything... Got so the last few months I would tell him that I loved him and he would come back with "no you don't". But he would still tell me he loved me. The lack of sex really tore us apart! Now I have my libido back!!! And he started taking anti-depressants about 8 months ago, coincidence??? I think not. His "stuff" started not working properly all the time. Maybe I should have put that more in the story earlier...

[CocoaBean]

I think it is worse when people have kids for the wrong reasons... And then realize that in the future!

[pumpkinmoon]

I think you need to talk to him about his intentions of where this is going. If he can't commit to marriage he should at least be able to commit to a relationship if he has the same feelings you do.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think it is worse when people have kids for the wrong reasons... And then realize that in the future!

 

Sometimes people make the wrong choices about having children and have them at the wrong times, but I don't think many who have kids ever regret having them.

[CocoaBean]

I think you need to talk to him about his intentions of where this is going. If he can't commit to marriage he should at least be able to commit to a relationship if he has the same feelings you do.

Very true. Just scared I guess. I want to fight for him. The sex thing has been really hard on us, and I need him to know that I want that to be different... Kind of hard to do not in a relationship.

[pumpkinmoon]

Have you told him all of this? Things you want to change? How you think things can work? If not, do so. But as another poster said, if he still won't enter into a relationship again, the best option is to disappear from his life. Only then will he know what he is missing and will realise if he wants to be with you or not.

[shellyf62]

Just something to think about. I was never a clucky person, never thought about having children or getting married. It just wasnt something I ever entertained.

 

I met my Ex in June & was married in December.....yes big mistake, but we lasted 17 years until he had an affair.

 

I had 2 children with him.

 

Everyday I thank my lucky stars for those children. They enrich my life like nothing I could ever imagine. I also have a gorgeous 4 yr old Grandson. IF it wasnt for them, my life would be nothing.

 

Just really, really decide if this decision is right for you. Please dont get to an old age & realise you lived this man's life & not your own.

[CocoaBean]

Lots of good points brought up. I think I will write him a letter and sit on it for a few days. Then see if I feel the same in like a week. Sometimes getting things out just helps.

 

Thank you for all the replies, I almost felt attacked there for a bit.

 

I am afraid to put my heart on the line again and be rejected. I do believe this is real love. We have spent so much time together building this restaurant and the passion we share for it is amazing. Not something you find every day. I love him and the life we have built. And I do want to fight for him. I need to do what is best for me. And time will tell. One day at a time

[Ms Darcy]

What is real love but a perception? If he perceives things the same way, he will find his way back to you.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think you would do anything to have him back in your life including sacrificing your true wants and desires. What if in 3 years time you want marriage or kids again.

 

I know some people don't want kids. BUT. It's a huge thing to miss out on if you are not sure. I mean. What if you get back together and your with him for the next 15 years and he bails or breaks up with you again and you've missed your chance to be with someone who wants marriage and kids and to have them?

 

He is getting what he wanted. The fun of a girlfriend and sex with none of the problems/commitment/drama/bad parts. Just the good parts.

 

If he wanted to get back together. He'd say that. I think he's stringing you along/keeping you sweet so you keep giving him what he wants work and sex and fun wise.

[savignon]

This might seem like an attack but its not meant to be at all as I'm truly on your side. You say you originally wanted marriage, kids and more recognition at the restaurant. If I understood everything correctly, you've since considered that you're okay not being married, not having kids and that you "shouldn't have asked for a raise/more recognition". What I also understood is that originally he did indicate that he would want to marry you but has since renegged on that. In the meantime, all the things the enjoyed about the relationship you had, which he left, he still gets without having to even call you his girlfriend, nevermind his wife (fun banter, sex, playfulness, cuddling, etc).

Now we all genuinely have times when we reflect on what we truly want in our lives and perhaps you genuinely don't feel that you need marriage, kids or equal partnership in the restaurant. If that's your real truth and you are satisfied just dating him with no higher level of commitment, then that's fine. Then you can go back to him and see if he's willing to date you again with your revisited standards/wants/dreams and go from there. To be honest, if I were in his shoes (and as an outsider to the situation that *I do not know or pretend to know as well as you do*) it sounds like "okay, I've decided I don't really want any of the things I said and please let me get back into your life by settling for whatever it is you want and are comfortable with". That creates such an uneven balance of power that it seem unhealthy.

Again, that's just my 2 cents and I don't know the whole story.

Whatever your real goals and hopes and dreams are, I hope you will find what you need and want!

Best,

Sav

[mhowe]

^^^ totally agree. The 3 things you said you wanted, you have completely back pedaled on.

 

He now knows not to take you seriously -- because you haven't had a discussion about any of it -- you have simply taken him back and are making assumptions as to what/why he is behaving the way he is.

 

And I think you are afraid to broach the subject because of what he might say --- "I thought you were okay w/ FWB"

[CocoaBean]

I should have asked for a raise earlier. Then I would have felt more secure about myself, and would have seen a benefit from all the hard work I do. Then maybe I wouldn't have felt so anxious for the last few months and tried to pressure him about a decision about us, for the wrong reasons.

 

Between the restaurant and our relationship it is not all black and white, very hard to separate as it consumes his life, and mine for the last 4 years. Even now, it's hard to realize what I shouldn't be doing because I'm not his gf anymore, where are the boundaries?

 

I will have to live with my own decisions, and even though I am only 30 I can already see how things can change so rapidly. I never imagined myself where I am in Michigan, and moved here to be with a bf when I was 22' moved away to the next town after we broke up, then moved back after the restaurant opened. My ex ex brought me here. Who knows where his will take me.

I do love him. I wish I could have pulled my head out of my but and seen everything differently. We had been so happy together, and better communication would have gone a long way. Assuming makes a but out of you and me...

[CocoaBean]

Oddly enough, while he owns the place, I am the "iron fist" so to speak. He relies on me a lot to make things work. Would never be happy to think I "gave things up" to be with him. And I would not want him to feel resented.

 

I don't think it's about not taking me seriously. It's about wanting something for he wrong reasons, and realizing it. I could see getting married... But if I don't need to right now, why pressure him? When the time is right, it will be right. And right now if I really felt I needed to be married to him, and he wanted to break up, that would make it easier to leave. Sometimes you never know what you have till its gone.

Everything happens for a reason.

[abitbroken]

One of the problems is that you have made yourself so "needed" that you can't see the forest for the trees. You are making it sort of so he can't possibly be without you. I mean, you are not the co owner, but you talk about being the iron fist and what he basically can't do without or the restaurant would implode. And you are doing it for a little recognition and not the salary you would think.

 

You also are giving up all of your own needs to keep him, including blaming yourself as the cause for all the negative and not assigning anything to him, etc. The problems, according to you, are not because you guys are not compatible. The problem always seems to be whenever you assert yourself - which you rightfully should - and he disagrees with you, you run and cower and take it back. You say you were "too pressuring," you "did something wrong", you are so sorry that you said anything. You act like you have no right to your feelings if they don't align with his. Instead of talking through and seeing if there is a compromise, you drop your conviction completely and 100% adopt his to keep him around. The problems you mention also focus on everything being great "if only I didn't do this one thing" or "if this one thing didn't happen - whether its you being on b/c the fault of everything, you not asking for a raise being the fault of everything, etc. his meds. I could go on and on.

 

As far as the marriage thing goes "if I don't need to right now, why pressure him?" Its not about getting married TOMORROW, its about getting married EVER - or in a reasonable future. He was very clear that marriage and children are not important to him or a priority for him and he doesn't mean "after I make my first dollar on the restaurant" or "yes, I would love to get married, but am thinking we should wait until X" or something concrete. This guy doesn't want to marry you. He is at the right age where he is not too young or too unestablished.

 

I also think if you followed a guy out of town and back and now here you are, maybe you need to start listening to what you have always wanted and maybe you need to stop sleeping with this guy, and either get a different job (you are not the owner and draw a paycheck so you could reasonably apply at other places) to be able to separate from all of this, or if you will not, pull back and stop being the iron fist. Let him take care of himself and don't overstep your true role of your job description at work = not the wife/spouse role of the owner.

 

Maybe we are all wrong and this will work, but you clearly don't seem happy the way the relationship was and I have a feeling that if you let this go on...there will come a day where you are not really sure who you are anymore, either.

 

And right now if I really felt I needed to be married to him, and he wanted to break up, that would make it easier to leave

 

But HE DID BREAK UP because you wanted to be married. But you won't leave! You weren't asking him to get married tomorrow, and you know that. You just felt that at this point in your relationship, it should be more than "in a few years" - and you noticed he didn't seem interested in it anymore. You needed an answer. But now you are spinning things to paint yourself as if you were pressuring him to get married tomorrow - "If I needed to be married right now" as you said earlier, but thats not what you were asking him.

 

You took the "oh, silly me, of course I REALLY don't want to get married right now. I was so unreasonable. Afterall I might have to give up a cat when I have a kid. So i don't want one" approach.

 

btw, about the "not taking you seriously thing" - he is crawling back to bed with you because you let him. There was no discussion about where you guys stood, etc. unless you just made a statement that you were willing to cave and didn't want what you said.

 

Maybe you feel I am being harsh, but you remind me of a younger me. And I wish I could go back in time and kick myself.

[Shane Falco]

I'm going to agree with the post above. OP, you have to stop having sex with him immediately. And yes, I feel it would be better to get a new job. Having to work with your ex just complicates an issue which you aren't doing too well in sorting out anyway. Dipping your pen in company ink isn't good usually, but it's really bad in this case.

[CocoaBean]

I did actually kind f give him an ultimatum. If you haven't been in the situation in the restaurant that I am in, it is hard to understand. I really should have asked for a raise... So I would feel good about myself and what's was doing. I instead pushed to et married for the wrong reasons.

 

A raise is not an easy thing, I understand the finances. He is making less than me, no one else was getting raises either.

 

I do appreciate the replies. But seriously, I posted this in the getting back together forum. I initially was just wondering what to do with all the mixed signals he was giving me.

 

I myself know what I want in my life. Incompatible??? Seriously after 4 years?? People that have been together for 25 happy years, married or not, have ups and downs. We have been going through a down. And yes we did break up. He doesn't want to try anymore. I get that.

 

I hope he realizes how much he loves me having lost me. For goodness sakes I am in love with this man. My closest friends that know him see how much he is hurting. Out drinking almost every night, just sad. We have one of out top 3 sales days coming up this weekend, something we have always shared together. Very bonding going through a big weekend like this one together. It breaks my heart right now prepping for it "without" him. Because even though we still work together, it isn't the same.

To quit this job and start a new one, I would have to pretty much relocate, no where else locally is the same caliber, or would offer the same opportunity for me. He has talked about opening another place in town, something smaller, and letting me take the reins on this restaurant, he said that this last week- while talking to some of our regulars. Why the hell would he still want me around?? I know it will make it harder for either one of us to move on, how would I meet someone new and tell him that I used to be in love with my boss?? How would he do the same??

 

At the end of the day, I will know when I need to move on. You learn lessons out of life no matter what your choices lead you to. I have been able to dig deep these last few weeks and realize things about myself I need to work on. My controlling nature that I get from my mom (my mom and I talked about this) I wasn't that way in the beginning!! I want to change, and break the habit of being controlling, which will help me in any future relationship, and at work. I need to meet people and have a life outside of work again. That stopped when you are wrapped up in the excitement of opening a new restaurant, and a lot of my old relationships really can't be brought back. I had met someone, a gf of a cook that just started, and it was so exciting!! We a tally have things in common and don't drink all the time like a lot of people I meet in the industry, I was so excited!

 

I really do want to take this time to better myself, I'm not going to pine away for him. It is hard to see him. Ad hear him talk about repainting the house like we had talked about for the last 2 years... Who know is he ever actually will, seems to be drinking too much to start the project. I want him to be happy. I would like to be the one who makes him happy. I realize I had taken him for granted. I should have been able to voice my opinions sooner and not let the resentment build up. That is on me. The hardest thing being I really don't want to take Ny part of the restaurant away from him. He built it. It was his dream. A lot of his money, and his family's has gone in to it. I do need to be compensated for my work, and I will fight for that too. This is not as black and white as some here try to make it. Has anyone been in this situation before?? Opening a restaurant in a down economy? This is my dream job, and I love it, 90% of the time it doesn't even feel like work. It has been difficult because we are dating, and not married. But truth be told I have a strong work ethic, and am very loyal to any job I have had. I would have assumed most of the responsibilities I have not having dated him. I have always been that way, it is who I am.

 

Long rant... Sorry...

[CocoaBean]

And when you hire an asst manager, you try to find one who has the same ideas about the restaurant as you, but that will also be able to complement your strengths and weaknesses... So me being the iron fist so to speak, it's part of what balances us out as a management team. He is creative and inventive and extremely intelligent. We have the same ideas as far as the direction of the restaurant, and different strengths that work together well.

 

If I start to feel taken advantage of at any point I know I need to walk away. Time will tell me this. He is a good guy. He won't try to hurt me or take advantage of me. He's not a jerk. He may do things unintentionally but really doesn't want to hurt me. 1 week after we broke up I asked him if he wanted me to look for a new job, as his ex, not as an employee and he said no. We talked a while about what it would mean if I stayed. I do have to feel this out. One good thing is that I can schedule so that we don't work together that often. And I have the opportunity to show him that I can change, and be the person he fell in love with.

[honeysuckle32]

Sounds to me like he does miss you. Being with someone for that length of time you do form a bond...and when that changes you have to adjust. Even though he misses you, it doesn't seem like he thinks he may loose you completely. He is doing what makes him feel better about missing you maybe, but just that...If a man thinks he will lose u for good and he truly wants to be with you - he will do what it takes to ensure that you will be his.

 

So yes he misses you and cares for you I think - but not enough to give you what you really want. Proceed with caution and always let him contact you first.

[Shane Falco]

You are completely misinterpreting what we are saying. No one is saying he's a bad guy -- it's just that his goals and your goals relationship-wise might not be compatible and it shouldn't be up to you to give up your goals to fit his. That doesn't mean he's bad or his goals are bad -- they are just different.

 

As for the getting a new job thing, if you want there to be a future between the two of you, it's a step you need to consider. If the job is too important, then keep it, but it's not going to help your relationship. You say you want him to miss you. How is he supposed to do that if a) you are working alongside him every day and b) are sleeping with him? What is there to miss? You are right there and he doesn't have to be in a relationship with you to do it.

 

You don't have to find another job. But keeping the same one isn't going to help you reconcile with your ex. It's a choice that you'll likely have to make.

[CocoaBean]

Random thoughts... I say that right now I don't need to be married, I may change my mind again in 3 years- he might as well. But, people also get married and change their mind about that decision more and more every day. So what gives??

 

I realize giving up a pet for a kid sounds stupid, that was the initial thought that opened my eyes and spiraled many other fears about kids. Realizing my own actions to them. Should I get pregnant somewhere down the road, maybe those thoughts will change. But if I decide right now that I don't need kids. That is a decision that I have to live with and I understand it. I am well educated, smart and 30 years old.

 

I do realize that most here are trying to be helpful. And I appreciate the time you have put in to your responses. I try to read each with an open mind. At the end of the day I know what is best for me. "To thine own self be true"

 

I feel like I have been awakened so to speak. I was with a guy for 3 years from 21-24. We lived together for 2 years, had lots of financial commitments together. Wen we ended, I knew it was best for both of us. I feel like I have had my eyes opened to different possibilities in my life, you never know where the journey is going to take you.

 

I am going to try my best to give him space. We broke up, and you would think that is what he wanted, space. No more sleeping together. That part is hard, not having sex was a big part of what drove us apart, and now that i have switched pills, i DO want him!!! And i want to show him that that part can be different. Not sure what to tell him. I tossed between having a talk with him after Easter about things I can see more clearly now that I have a different perspective, and telling him I need more space. LC.

 

Suggestions???

[CocoaBean]

Confused as he constantly updates me on what he is doing, and says he doesn't want to be with anyone else right now... He makes excuses to get "close" to me. Flirts in front of people. Completely acting against his decision. And when I say in front of people, it is regular customers, people who see this and like us together. Really hard.

[savignon]

My suggestion for piquing his interest again would be to cut him off cold turkey and get busy enjoying your life. Whatever doesn't fall under the realm of your job description, don't do. Don't be rude about it, just arrive when your shift starts and leave when its over. If he asks you about it say something really light and smiling like "I realized I was overstepping my bounds and this is your restaurant so I'll let you take care of the big things how you see fit. I have to leave right after work today because I have some plans". You've already shown him what a good and equal partner you can be, so now show him what life is like without you. I think since he broke up with you, he should be the one to come back and say he made a mistake.....not *you* go back and say "you were right to break up with me and now I don't want x, y, and z anymore so I'm hoping now you'll think we're more compatible". Even if that's what you truly, honestly have come to terms with, it sounds desperate and like you're changing yourself/your dreams to be with him. I think that feedback has been 100% consistent here so you can take that or leave it.

I remain with the outside perspective that he went from wanting to be married (to *you* specifically, I believe?) to now saying he doesn't see a future and breaking up with you. He didn't say he would stay with you if x, y or z....he just broke it off. Now the only way to give him the space he has really indicated by breaking up with you that he needs/wants, you need to not act like his girlfriend. Get very busy with anything else but him/the restaurant....reading/yoga/join the gym/go out with your friends....and hard as it might be, stop talking to any mutual friends about him so you know it won't get back to him. And don't ask about him or talk about him. Act like he's just a part of your past.

[Shane Falco]

Confused as he constantly updates me on what he is doing, and says he doesn't want to be with anyone else right now... He makes excuses to get "close" to me. Flirts in front of people. Completely acting against his decision. And when I say in front of people, it is regular customers, people who see this and like us together. Really hard.

 

This has already been explained to you multiple times -- he isn't looking for anyone else because he doesn't have to. When you give up the goods freely, there's no reason for guys to shop around. Rephrasing that question several ways doesn't change the answer to it.