CocoaBean Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 Very good insights. I need to do this. This morning he was texting me saying that "for it to be special we can't have sex any time You want". I replied with, special would be paired with a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. He had invited me over, and I didn't go... Why would he bring up things being special??? In the beginning he chased me, and I think he enjoys knowing i want him. After feeling unloved for so long. One of the reasons we broke up being that he felt I didn't love him... I'm glad I have an outlet here. I really don't want to have to talk to my friends about this, hard not to. I'm lucky enough to have 1 friend that won't talk to him! Link to comment
savignon Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 Very good insights. I need to do this. This morning he was texting me saying that "for it to be special we can't have sex any time You want". I replied with, special would be paired with a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. He had invited me over, and I didn't go... Make a promise to yourself that as of RIGHT NOW you will not respond to any of his texts. Staying engaged with him makes him believe that a) you want him so madly that you want to have sex with him "whenever you want" and b) he can do absolutely NOTHING and have your full attention. You are a lucky poster to get 50+ responses and if you take none of this advice it'll be a real shame. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 On the plus side it doesn't irritate him knowing I want him! That has to be a good sign! Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 How long do I not respond?? Link to comment
savignon Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 How long do I not respond?? Until he says "what's going on?" to which you respond "after we broke up part of my healing process was keeping you around for awhile but now I'm ready to move on" and then IGNORE HIM. Yea, his ego loves that you want him even though he broke up with you. I don't know if that's a "good sign" ...its just his ego and egos are usually not good things when they're in overdrive. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 Should I tell him not to get a hold of me outside of work unless he wants to reconcile?? And what if he actually asked me out on a "real" date?? No sex after, even if he tries... Link to comment
savignon Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 Should I tell him not to get a hold of me outside of work unless he wants to reconcile?? Just the first part....otherwise he'll think you're waiting around for him and YOU'RE NOT (or at least you're prepared to pretend you're not). Tell him that since the breakup you've been slowly filling up your time with other people/commitments and you won't be available for non-work related things and that should a work related thing arise, you can talk about it at work during your shift. Really, there's no reason for him to contact you outside of your work hours AT work (meaning no texting/phone calls/etc) You really have to be serious about that and stay busy for real (not for pretend). Start some online dating or something to just get out and move forward. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 And what do I do if he does ask me it on an actual date???? Link to comment
savignon Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 And what do I do if he does ask me it on an actual date???? Ask him flat out "are you asking me out on a date?". If he says "well, I thought we could hang out since we're still friends" then say NO. In the meantime, get yourself on a real date.. can you ask a friend to hook you up with the reason that you're looking to "get back out there for some light dating"? Or would you do online dating? For real get busy about your real life which at the moment doesn't include him. Don't do it as a "tactic" to get him back or make him jealous....do it because this is your new life as a newly single woman. So get out there and enjoy it!! Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 Not sure if I'm really ready to date. But I need to get out with friends more. After Easter I will stop responding to him. Too much going on the next few days with work. For real I know I need to. But it would be in everyone's detriment to not give it a few more days. Link to comment
savignon Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 Not sure if I'm really ready to date. But I need to get out with friends more. After Easter I will stop responding to him. Too much going on the next few days with work. For real I know I need to. But it would be in everyone's detriment to not give it a few more days. Your choice, of course. Good luck! Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 So, I was at work tonight. He called later in the evening, he actually did stay home and paint the house tonight. I am impressed. He was talking about how he has a dr appt follow up on Thursday. About his medication. He said he has been all over the place emotionally and just doesn't feel 100%. About 3 weeks before we broke up he kept forgetting to take his medication (for anxiety/depression) he wasn't consistent with it. Then about 10 days after he broke up with me he quit taking it all together, even thought the dr said to take 1/2 pills for about a week. He said he will call me later and wants to talk about it. Not really sure what to think. I will give him till Easter night and then I have to give him as much space as I can... Kind of a crazy phone call. He is almost done painting and wants to talk to me later. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 Maybe I should just tell him that until he feels together emotionally we should take some space... But it was good to hear! Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 We haven't had sex again, and I am giving him space. I don't answer every time he calls, even from work. If its important he will send me a message. He texts once in a while, and sometimes I text back, sometimes I don't. I try to let him have the last message and go on from there. It hurts a little less every day. The mornings are the hardest for me. I allow myself some time to reflect and be hurt, and then get my but to the gym with a really supportive friend. She also works with us. It does seem hat he still has feelings, but he needs to sort through things on his own. He is working on getting off medication and has a full plate there. Lots of the things he is doing are things we had discussed at length before, but he never put the plan in action. Hard to see him taking my advice now, he said he needed to see it for himself... But on the upside he is trying, and I'm happy for him. I'm trying to rebuild confidence in myself and work on my issues. I don't want to make the same mistakes again with anyone!! I see the signs now of when I need to take time for myself. When anxiety sets in, it is time!! I'm not usually an anxious person. Just thoughts for the day. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Instead of viewing it as "he is taking your advice now"....maybe look at it that "actions speak louder than words".... You get on with your life -- as he is getting on with his -- and who knows, maybe your paths will cross again outside of work --- when you both are ready. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted April 11, 2013 Author Share Posted April 11, 2013 Ok... So I brought over one of the cats yesterday, at his request. So she could play with the other two. We hung out and had coffee, no sex. We both discussed wanting to, but that it wouldn't be best. I left the cat there, and he asked me to let her spend the night. So I did. He called me this morning and said I could bring over the other cat too (I haven't because he hard a really hard time with the move and I don't want to stress him out unnecessarily) and hang out at the house with them for a few hours if I wanted to. He is on his way back from running errands and will be there within an hour, and then he has to work later. Seriously why would he even suggest that? If we split the cats up and are broken up, why bother bringing them over for "visits"? Don't they need to get used to the idea too? And come over for a few hours? Not sure what to think. I know I won't bring the other cat over, too stressful for him. Just weird! Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Please -- it is an excuse to see you. The cats are "cover". That being said, I would not go back to just "hanging out"...and discussing having/wanting to have sex, but not. Get on with getting on --- it will sort itself out. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted April 11, 2013 Author Share Posted April 11, 2013 That's what I was thinking! Should I even go over there? He has a DVR with all our/my shows recorded, and it would be nice to watch them and spend time with the cats, I thought about maybe just going after he went to work? So weird. But for sure the "sex" and any talk about it should stop. I think I'll just tell him I don't want casual sex in my life right now. He already knows I want him. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 You were there yesterday. And unless you just want to hang out, as opposed to working toward a relationship, you have to quit pretending you are still in the relationship. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 I would not bring the cats over again. let them adjust. Also, you think that he is making progress. Wait. He just had a bit of a shake up and is going to look like he turned a new leaf. See if it sticks for months at a time. He has to get to the point where he is doing it for him and not for you. Right now he is wanting to sleep with you again and you need to take that off the table not just in words as you have - but in time, the length of time you are not sleeping with him the better and it will sink in more. That is great that you are distancing yourself, but do it a little more. Respond to true work related items not "hey, what's up?" and don't meet him for coffee. Really though - I would just show up for work. Most people who work at restaurants aren't called at home unless they get a phone call being asked to come in or pick up a shift unless they are the owner/manager. Also, really - do you want to be with a guy for life who has this type of depression where he stops cold turkey taking his pills, and doesn't take care of himself unless he thinks he is losing something? Can you handle that? What I am trying to say is that effort is a good thing, but you were so close to this guy at all times - "on paper" would you choose a guy with all of these qualities as a life partner? If the answer is no, then don't keep the door open. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted April 11, 2013 Author Share Posted April 11, 2013 He left me. He stopped taking his pills and has been talking to his dr about it. He wants to see if he can handle it. And has another appt with his dr to talk about if he should try a different pill or not. He is making these changes in himself, for himself. I'm not sure that he does want to get back together or not. I do. He told me we shouldn't have sex right now. We got caught up in a moment, then both backed down, knowing it is not best. But we both obviously still want to. I hope by not sleeping together we can at some point start something fresh. If we were to continue it would be bad for both of us, and probably kill any chance of getting back together. I did end up going there today to pick up the one cat. We had lunch together, and watched one of our shows together. I was there for about 2 hours, sometimes it was awkward. Sometimes we talked like nothing. He still treats me sometimes like we are together in the way he acts, more vulnerable and goofy, not like you would with just a friend. We don't talk about the relationship. Just work, or random stuff. We had a good visit, now I need some space. We'll see if he comes to me. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 Its not about "if he comes to you." You have to also decide if this guy is really the guy for you - does he have similar goals? Can you deal with this stop taking meds thing? If he "comes to you" and you don't think he is right for you - the fact that he wandered on back doesn't mean that you won't move on. Its hard because you work together. If it were me, I'd look for another job. But thats just what i'd do. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted April 12, 2013 Author Share Posted April 12, 2013 I think it's awesome that he wants to stop taking the meds and instead work on better life habits, running to help sleep and with anger issues. Improving his sleep habits in general, etc. he has said that being on the meds in the first place has opened his eyes to how bad it was before. He would like to take that awareness and see if he can move forward without meds. But is also seeing a doctor and open to taking something else if he can't do it on his own. I think it's awesome. I'm VERY happy for him. I do feel that he is right for me. Or why would I want him back. I love the life we shared. I enjoy working with him, it is very fulfilling. He still wants to see me, and we are kinda being friends again, but he flirts too. Kinda like beginning stages. This Might take a while, but eventually I will have to ask if things will go anywhere. Wen the time is right for me I will. If we get back together or not, I am learning a lot about myself, and about mistakes I don't want to repeat. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 I do feel that he is right for me. But a little while ago you wanted to be married at some point and have kids. Then you basically said, "Oh, silly me. I was so dumb to want that. I don't really need that. Besides, I might have to give up a cat!" When he told you that you two obviously want different things in life and sort of ended it, you did a 180 and instead of letting the breakup stick and giving him space - maybe he will think about what he really wants but maybe its best that you find what you really want with someone else - you are stuck like glue. You slept with him - now you stopped. You went over to "socialize the cats" - you like the idea of watching his DVR, etc. At one point in my life I was pretty spineless. My guy told me after a few years that he doesn't believe in marriage so I just lived with him instead of moving on. I was miserable in the end with that. I am sorry I wasted so much time thinking he automatically would come around. And when I got into the "just being with him" and the years rolled by - I really regretted it. I was so willing in other areas to adjust myself to fit him, too, and discarded some of my ideas as frivolous. And if I could shake my younger self I would! I was terribly codependent. If you don't go away - he can't miss you, btw. Just sayin. Really - get away from this guy for awhile so you can think clearly instead of trying to grasp at him. Granted, you are spending more time at friends, but you are really acting like his girlfriend still. You are taking what he is dishing out -- HE wants to be friends HE flirts - rather than setting a boundary and really acting and behaving as if you are broken up so you can get clarity. Not just for one day either. If you decide that you never want to be a mother or never be married in your life after being single for awhile and not just to integrate with his life - that's fine. But no one feels as strongly as you did that you WOULD get married at some point and for it to cause friction and your relationship get down to the point of "ok, pal, do you or don't you ever?" to just flip in one week like that. I am not saying you don't love him - but this is your life here. Not just your life of making sure you are the perfect helper at his restaurant - not asking for raises and recognition to not tip the cart and making sure you quell all eventual desires for marriage or kids just because he doesn't want em. Sorry to sound harsh, but I have been there. If you would have decided that you never wanted to marry and have kids way before you met him, that's one thing, but that wasn't the case. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 If we get back together or not, I am learning a lot about myself, and about mistakes I don't want to repeat. I am glad that you say "or not" - and make that decision yourself. Not just about what flirting he does. his Might take a while, but eventually I will have to ask if things will go anywhere. Well - why ask him? Ask yourself - are things going anywhere? Or do you want them too?? Don't sit around and let him drive the boat - and then react to whatever he wants. And you will, btw, go to the same place again of an impasse like what happened with you recently and caused the break up - unless you just are completely passive to whatever he wants in the relationship - which you will regret. And I have done that. Let someone lead way too much. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.