Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[NorthDallas40]

Daphne is weird. Red flags galore. Seems like so much negativity and drama in her life spilling through to your conversations already and you haven't even met yet. I wouldn't bother with that one.

 

Pretty much my thoughts too. I'm willing to meet her, but I expect she'll be such a neurotic/distraught Debbie Downer that, even if she's as witty as she seems to be, my romantic/sexual instincts won't engage. Unless she's super-hot, of course. Who knows.

 

In any case, I texted her "Sorry about the Craigslist debacle. Just holler when you're out from under the bus (bus emoji) (dancing blonde girl emoji)"

 

She replied rather quickly "I will. Def won't be blonded up but I'll be happier for sure."

[NorthDallas40]

No word from DAPHNE, but since it took her a month to get back to me after our first email contact, that's not surprising. She'll either holler back or not.

 

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I texted VANNA yesterday to ask for her email address so I could send some ideas for this weekend. She texted back asking to talk on the phone instead, but since I was busy with work and rehearsal, I texted her the email of activity ideas. They sounded good to her and she was fine with meeting on my preferred day of Sunday, but couldn't make a decision because of her work schedule as an on-call radiologist, and requested that we play things somewhat by ear. None of my ideas were schedule specific, so I texted back that was fine. So we're tentatively on for a) hike, b) tea & ice cream, and/or c) an easy park stroll this Sunday around 4pm.

 

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All three of my bands are kicking into high gear, with my main group (not the cover band or the soul singer gig) having our best rehearsal yet last night now that we added a percussion guy to the mix. Really stoked about playing out, and so is the rest of the band; we have both enthusiasm and confidence, which is the magic equation!

[NorthDallas40]

Sometimes people on OKC can be so hilariously un-self-aware and predictable.

 

Against my better judgment, this morning I messaged a woman whose profile started with this:

 

"Dating Disclaimer: I am here to meet an honest, sincere, happy, caring and loving person with NO sexually transmitted diseases. Yea, that's my first line here. Sexy, eh? Well, neither are STDs! I am NOT interested in hook-ups, something casual, NSA, or a menage a trois. My pet peeves are fickle unreliable flakes, inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious, dishonest or insincere people. Smokers (cigarette or weed), drug users, alcoholics or other addicts turn me off. Remember that the "interview face" could only be worn for so long. Then, it's 'mask off.' Just say what you mean and mean what you say. You'll be fine.

 

I am a confident, outgoing (but sometimes quiet), and intelligent woman who is looking for friends, fun, and laughter. (By "fun", I do not mean sex or physical intimacy. Both of those are cheap and not why I'm here. I'm looking for PURE, UNadulterated JOY shared with someone I can care about deeply and love!! I am interested in sharing quiet times together, via lunches, dinners, walks, laughter, etc. I'm looking for someone who has had his share of bumps and bruises in life, and isn't afraid to admit it, or to show his vulnerable side. I'm looking for someone who is loving, kind and gentle, in spite of the hardships he's been through. No machismos or chauvinists allowed!!! No narcissists, sociopaths, or crazy workaholics!!! I don't care what the movies, your friends, your family, your colleagues, Cosmo magazine, or other women have told you about what women need or want. None of those types of men turn me on. I know when to take charge and when to be submissive to my mate while you take the lead. I love hard...so trust is a must. ***Positive people only. Positive-minded people only. I do understand that we've all been hurt, but remember that hurt people have a tendency to hurt other people. So please leave me out of your foolishness. I am not the one who has hurt you in the past. And, vice versa. If you have emotional work to do, please do them. We all have small wounds. If yours are too big, it may not be the right time for a relationship.”

 

 

…and continued in a similarly passive-aggressive “all you men are damaged and I’m perfect” tone for another dozen or so paragraphs. But I figured maybe she’s just trying to protect herself, so a quick short message can’t hurt.

 

Here’s how our conversation went, with about 2-3 minutes between responses:

 

ME: “Hey ____ - Other than smoking weed and being a (non-mainstream) movie nerd, we seem to have a lot in common in terms of looking for a safe, sane, grounded, loving and fun partner. Plus like you, I eat a plant-based diet and enjoy the outdoors. Anyway, if you believe that "perfect shouldn't be the enemy of good" and my profile appeals, it would be great to chat! - ND40"

 

HER: If you can talk right now, send me your number, and I will give you call before ____

 

ME: Haha that was quick! (phone number)

 

HER: Sounds like you're criticizing or complaining. Won't be calling you.

 

 

 

I would REALLY love to send something really snarky like “Thank god!” or “You sound like great fun at parties” or “So you’re still in therapy, cool” but I’m just leaving it there, and considering it a HUGE bullet dodged.

 

Especially since she only had two photos: a faraway pic of her scaling a cliff (ooh… EXTREME!!!) and a very close up photo of her face wearing big sunglasses, treated with a gauzy filter. NEXXXXT!!

 

—————

 

On the up side, I messaged SAMMIE (46, 5’4”, 51% match) on OKC last night, she sent me a polite response a few hours later, I replied today and she sent back her phone number. She’s Japanese, pretty, has a great smile, looks fit if not skinny, and loves the outdoors. My only two issues are that she lives about 45 minutes away, and I have a feeling her more attractive photos may be of a several-years-past vintage. Still, she seems like a sweet person, so I’ll call her later today.

 

—————

 

I just texted VANNA about what activities and time to meet this afternoon look good to her. I have a feeling she won’t know for a few hours, since she’s “on-call” for radiology today, and understandably may not know her schedule yet.

 

—————

 

Yesterday DAKOTA sent me the invite to her wedding reception in September, also texting that she’d emailed it to me earlier this week (she didn’t) and that I hadn’t responded. So I RSVP’d, and for some reason she felt the need to tell me “there was a space to write a note in the invitation email but I didn’t see it until I sent it.” Which leads me to believe that she just didn’t feel like saying anything special about the event to begin with!

[NorthDallas40]

VANNA got back to me - we meet for ice cream in about 4 hours. I'm generally not a fan of these kinds of short and/or open-ended "meet & greets"; I prefer meeting over a meal where there's more inherent structure and longer length of time involved. But I don't see things going anywhere with her anyway (she seems too attractive, too busy, and too uninteresting) so I'm ok with a quick meet... if only it weren't 30 minutes away. I may end up spending more time driving than actually hanging out with her!

[Batya33]

Lol on that ridiculous woman - maybe a reply like "ok don't call me - is your number still 867-5309?"

[NorthDallas40]

Ice cream, grocery shopping, and a walk with VANNA was fun, and she was definitely in the upper echelons of attractiveness of women I've dated; she's been vegetarian most her life, works out every day, and it shows. Wow.

 

However, despite our conversation never flagging, her generally pleasant demeanor and my making her laugh at regular intervals, there wasn't much chemistry going on despite my efforts, and she seemed pretty ready to wrap things up after 90 minutes. My overall impression is that she wasn't into me and to be honest, the conversation wouldn't win any awards for originality either: traffic, being vegan, work, her family. Yawn.

 

So I may text her as a longshot hail mary, but I think my initial pre-meeting assessment was correct: she's too attractive, too busy, and too uninteresting for me to get anywhere.

[NorthDallas40]

Called SAMMIE last night, left a vm and texted her, she texted back later that she was at dinner and "TTYT", she texted again this morning, and I finally called her this afternoon for a nice 20-minute chat.

 

Her accent was also very reminiscent of DAKOTA's, but her english was somewhat better it seemed, and she was a good conversationalist. We agreed to meet for dinner sometime next week because I've got rehearsals and shows almost every night this week, and she's going out of town for 4 days over next weekend.

 

Turns out she owns a condo where she lives, so the 45-minute distance won't go away unless I move. Luckily she works from home so it sounds like her schedule is pretty flexible. But for now I'll just cross my fingers that she'll be attractive; I already like her demeanor so far.

[abitbroken]

Oh goodness -- so you will finally meet The Husband at the wedding reception. I will have to check back -- i am really am curious to read the wrap up from the big day.

[notalady]

I thought Dakota already got married, why is there a wedding reception now?

[NorthDallas40]

Their wedding was just a city hall thing with nobody else in attendance as far as I know, so this is a party for all the friends and family.

 

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but DAKOTA has been in the country illegally for years, and so would not be able to leave and still be re-admitted with her status as it was. I'm pretty sure that Drumpf being elected had a lot to do with her getting married to a US citizen so quickly; she said many times since we met that she wouldn't marry simply for citizenship, and had at least two chances to do so before we met. But I believe the election changed her tune.

[NorthDallas40]

Dinner last night with SAMMIE was pretty uneventful. I had inadvertently picked a build-your-own pizza place near where she lived that had zero atmosphere, so the setting was less than ideal, and when she showed up, it took her awhile to warm up; she was a bit standoffish and for the first 30 minutes I felt like she wanted to leave. But eventually conversation got going and she even laughed a bit at my jokes, and on the plus side she was pretty and stylish.

 

But we didn’t have much in common other than hiking and traveling, and outside of tennis (she competed nationally), I couldn’t tell if she had any interests other than those. She also didn’t ask much about me, or show much enthusiasm for the things I talked about, though by the end she seemed to be having a good time laughing & smiling. So we parted after about an hour and forty five minutes, and she texted me before I got home:

 

"Got home now. Thank you for the dinner and driving down. Nice to meet you. It was a fun hanging out with you!”

 

Which was nice, but given the hour-minimum distance between us, my gut feeling is to not contact her again. I definitely would have sex with her, but even if she was open to that, outside of hiking and f**king, I don’t know what else we would have to talk about. Maybe I’ll go for date two, but it wouldn’t be with much excitement.

 

————————

 

Luckily my band’s shows went great this past weekend. Our first one got an incredible response, even from the strangers in the room, and I think even my friends were surprised at how good we were. And yes, DAKOTA did come over beforehand so we could go together. My friend BABETTE put the show on, and took video of me performing on keys. That video has now gotten more “likes” on my FB and IG than anything I’ve posted probably ever, so that’s a great sign.

 

Our second show that night also went well (albeit to a smaller crowd), and I had fun getting back onstage when were done to play with the soul singer’s group who was also on the bill. Afterwards while I was loading out, the bass player for the soul singer came up to me and said “I wanna sing in your band” (we’re an instrumental group), as well as mentioning an opportunity to score a short film he didn’t have time to do.

 

I’ve since spoken to the music supervisor for that project and am “taking a meeting” tomorrow with her and the director, who has worked on many network TV shows you’ve heard of. There’s no pay, just “exposure” (eyeroll), but it can’t hurt to see what’s up. Then after that meeting, I drive out of town to play another show with the soul singer tomorrow night, and next week my band hits the studio, so I’m definitely keeping busy, which helps ease any dating-related tensions!

[NorthDallas40]

Got a match on CMB from a 44-yo, we PM'd a couple of times, I offered my phone number, she disappeared.

 

Got a response on OKC from a 46-yo (who listed 36 as her age), we PM'd a couple of times, she observed we had not only similar interests but similar values, she said she'd call me, she disappeared.

 

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DAKOTA texted to tell me about a homeless meal program we could volunteer for on Saturday mornings.

 

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I took the meeting about having our band scoring that short film, and the film itself sucked. My drummer doesn't want to do it, but the guitarist does. I'm down to do it, but would want us to use pseudonyms as our credits; I don't want the association to tarnish our future rep.

 

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Played out of town over the weekend with the soul singer, and got a pretty rousing response from my one organ solo in the set. Also, before the show, the bandmembers (and their wives!) raved about seeing my band last week.

 

Also checked out a show this past Sunday, saw three great bands, networked a little bit, saw some old friends, ran into the guitarist I fired but I was friendly so he couldn't accuse me of being a jerk, lots of people said they heard good things about my band, and I talked to more women that night than I have in a long time (mostly past acquaintances that I'm not attracted to, but I have a feeling half would go out with me if they were single and I asked). So a good night.

 

Not feeling good about my future dating prospects though, nor how I look nowadays. Not that I look bad; I'm still in good shape and look young for my age. But being in a band again, I just feel like I look old and uncool. Oh well.

[NorthDallas40]

And as I put one of my live performance photos on my dating profiles, it occurs to me the most life-affirming, productive, and soul-satisfying thing in my life this year (forming a band) may also be the biggest turn-off for many of the women I might pursue.

 

“He’s in a *band*? Uh, no thanks. Pass.”

 

Thanks, Catch-22.

[superkatnip]

Not for the right woman. I was drawn to my SO in part because of his passion for his music.

[NorthDallas40]

GENIE (42, 5'5", 82% match) on OKC has been someone whose profile I've seen for at least a couple of years but have been hesitant to write because although she shares many physical characteristics with KATE, her facial pics aren't as pretty, and indicate she might actually look a little strange or old for her age.

 

But last night I finally messaged her, today she replied, and we messaged:

 

HER:

Hi ND40, Thank you for writing me. I am not vegan or vegetarian. I don't eat meat much but I don't think I'll give up on it either. Just want to put it out there. Which part of (our city) do you reside? When did you become vegan?

 

ME:

Nice to meet you GENIE! I'm in (my part of town). How about you? I've been vegetarian since 1985, vegan since about 2000, but veganism isn't a deciding factor for me as far as relationships go. Was that really the most interesting thing in my profile!?

 

HER:

to be honest with you ND40, being from (your home state) and a vegan is quite intriguing to me. The fact you actually wrote paragraphs about yourself is amazing. Most guys don't. I live in (her part of town). Only 3 miles from (town).What makes you write me?

 

I replied soon after, she read it, and now I wait.

[NorthDallas40]

Got GENIE's phone number, I'm supposed to call her tomorrow night.

 

Got a couple of OKC replies from a one-photo, no-writeup profile that could easily be a bot; her responses certainly were boring and cold as one.

 

But I did catch a new woman OKC who's on a "vision quest" (eyeroll) through my part of the country, and it appears she may stay near my city. Her photos were my type, and so was her intelligently-written profile which had tons of mutual interests of mine. I sent her a message, really hopes she replies.

[NorthDallas40]

GENIE and talked the other night and like other Chinese women I've dated (she's from Taiwan), she has a smart but very straightforward style of expressing herself that, coming from an American, would seem like highly dry sarcasm, but given her origins, is probably just her being honest.

 

But that style works for me, so no problem there, and we're on for dinner next Thursday.

 

However, when I asked what she does for fun, she said she does mostly things on her own like walking or reading. In itself, not a bad thing, because that's my MO as well. But even I'm more social than that; I play in bands, after all. So I have a feeling the takeaway could be that she doesn't really have many/any friends.

 

I also got her last name from her outgoing VM, so I looked her up on FB. And though one profile-angle photo of her looks almost EXACTLY like KATE, the rest are only vaguely similar to her, the best ones appear to be many years old, and a few are outright ugly IMO. I don't think I'm going to be attracted to her IRL and am tempted to call off dinner. Still I'll give her a chance; hopefully she's just not photogenic. But I don't have high hopes.

 

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And of course "vision quest" woman never got back to me. Like almost every woman who actually has things in common with me, they never want to meet, or even chat. Which is why I type the phrase "I don't think we have anything in common" in this thread so often.

[NorthDallas40]

Pretty busy weekend.

 

FRIDAY - Got off work early, did freelance design work at night.

 

SATURDAY - Did about 5 hours of freelance design, then took a dip in a nearby body of water.

 

SUNDAY - My band hit the studio to do a one-mic demo of all our songs. We played great and the recording sounded great, but my keyboards were way too low in the mix. We’re gonna take another crack in about 10 days.

 

MONDAY - I DJ’d at the rooftop pool of a trendy local theme hotel, hung out with a lot of friends, had a great time. I also dressed a bit more “sexy” than usual, all in white, with my shirt unbuttoned. I got more looks than usual from women as a result. The promoter took a pic of me in the booth and posted on IG, so I put it on my OKC profile. I immediately got three likes and two messages. It’s also gotten a lot of likes on FB & IG, half from women. Sex sells, no matter what gender is buying.

 

—————

 

One of the messages I got on OKC was from a “pansexual” woman my age who’s very cute but whose legs are a bit on the thick side. She inquired about what record I was playing in my pic, and over the past 24 hours we PMd back and forth, with her “swooning” over my song selections since she's a DJ also. However, I gave her my number and told her twice I preferred to chat on the phone. She never reciprocated. I think we’ve messaged before years ago without meeting, so no surprise there.

 

—————

 

I messaged about four new women on OKC yesterday, no responses.

 

—————

 

I texted with GENIE and we’re on for dinner tomorrow night.

[NorthDallas40]

The aforementioned pansexual NADINE (45, 5'5", 96% match) PM'd me last night that she would text me "in a sec" and asked my name.

 

An hour later I PM'd her to scroll up, since I gave my name in my first message.

 

An hour later she apologized for not seeing it, and said she would text me today.

 

It's now lunchtime, no text, and when I just checked her profile, she had disabled it.

 

Again, this is the kind of response I get from a 45-yo fellow music nerd with a 96% match. No wonder I end up dating women under 40 with whom I have nothing in common.

[NorthDallas40]

Date with GENIE was as I expected. Conversation was decent, though like my last Taiwanese gf, she seemed very eager to complain about coworkers. And though the talk didn't lag, I didn't get the feeling we had much in common other than a generally cynical outlook on life with a dry sense of humor about it.

 

Which would have been fine if she wasn't so incredibly nerdy, spinsterish (she was even wearing a granny dress that my alternative female friends wore back in the 80s), and so low maintenance with her looks. Blah hair, no makeup, odd facial structure... I just wasn't attracted and I'm not going to contact her again.

 

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NADINE's profile is back up but I still haven't gotten a text.

 

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Meanwhile, my 40-yo single dad coworker has approached the 1.5 month mark with a girl he met on OKC... and now she's wanting to take things slow, things are "getting weird" for her, and so they're both dating other people as well. My friend is bummed about it, but he went on a date last night. She was cute, they vibed well, but he wasn't attracted. Basically he's not doing much better than me.

[NorthDallas40]

DAKOTA and I took a 2-hour hike yesterday and had fun. I asked if she was excited for her upcoming wedding reception and all she said was that it was stressful and that it's costing about $10k. She didn't mention her husband for the entire walk, but suggested that we go to an upcoming film festival.

 

Then had dinner with a bandmate and another DJ friend, and we all went to the club the guy spins at and saw lots of friends and music-related folks. Lots of good-looking girls were there too but I talked to none of them; my guess is the only ones I considered attractive were 15-25 years younger than me.

 

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I sent 8 new OKC messages this week. Only NADINE the ghoster replied; one to a woman who "liked" me was never read, and another woman disabled her profile.

 

So I sent 5 more today, mostly hail marys to women who probably aren't very attractive or smart or interesting. Two of them were to women who "liked" me, and one of those has a kid.

 

I really want a smart, kind-hearted, attractive girlfriend who likes me as much as I like her, but I feel like the chances of that ever happening are pretty slim.

[NorthDallas40]

Messaged another 7 women on OKC tonight, none of whom I'm crazy about. One of them messaged me back within a couple of minutes, saying she was having a drink and about to get in the jacuzzi, I asked for her number, and she gave it to me immediately. I then realized she lives about an hour away, and only has one photo.

 

All of the above indicated to me that she was overweight.

 

So I looked up her number on FB, found her profile, it was all facial portraits, then I did a search for her photos once I had her name.

 

I was right.

[NorthDallas40]

Not counting GENIE or NADINE, I’ve messaged 22 new women on OKC in the past week, two of whom were over-40 moms who “liked” me first.

 

I got exactly one reply, and it was from neither of the moms. It was from a 42-yo Chinese woman who is learning English:

 

"I'm still trying to learn more English . I love movies . I just got home from the beach.”

 

Great.

 

At this point I’m hoping my band makes some waves so perhaps I can meet some women that way. Online dating has kinda cratered out since I turned 47.

[NorthDallas40]

Three days ago I messaged the cute, stylish and slim PETULIA (37, 5’3” 78% match) who mentioned being a silly person who requires a “strong” guy to deal with her. She seemed cool but that kind of self-description was a red flag, and her age preference topped out at 40-yo. So I sent an atypically short message referencing her “what I’m doing on Friday nights” section, since I didn’t think it would be worth effort to write much more:

 

“Hey PETULIA - so what kind of seminar do you go to on FRIDAY NIGHTS!?!? - ND40”

 

So just as I was getting disenchanted with OKC and considering turning off my profile, she replied this morning:

 

 

“ Hi ND40!

 

You ever heard of ________ Education? I completed their leadership program (+ other programs) in late 2014 so I'm not doing the Friday night seminars anymore. But it's good stuff. Good tools for life.

 

I missed your email because you were sent to my Filtered inbox. Apparently you are outside of my age range preference.

 

But, I noticed you are vegan and I am recently vegan. Never dated one but want to try lol to see if it's a more natural fit. How long have you been vegan? What is the biggest challenge for you?

 

Btw, I noticed your msg came when my profile was still set to omnivore. Why did you decide to message me (an omnivore)? Lol. Asking for curiosity's sake.

 

Have a lovely Wednesday.”

 

 

 

I responded about 30 minutes later:

 

"Nice to hear from you PETULIA - and great work on the poncho/cape btw!

 

I’ve never heard of ______ Education, but that’s great you did some self-improvement. What made you try it? And do you feel it helped you?

 

I’ve been vegetarian since I was 15 (animal rights reasons) and vegan since about 30 or so. The only challenge I’ve had foodwise was when I went to Japan last November but even then, it was fine - thank god for smartphones!

 

I’ve dated non-vegans before and they’ve generally been cool about keeping meat/dairy to a minimum, so that’s not a dealbreaker for me. But I gotta say it’s lot more fun to date someone who’s on the same page and gets excited about finding vegan options too! What’s your favorite vegan spot in the area? I’ve got quite a list now

 

Hey if you’d like to chat further on the phone, text me at ______ and I can give you a call!

 

- ND40”

 

Anyway, I won’t be shocked if I never hear from her again.

 

 

—————

 

And while I was writing this, I just got a CMB match from the cute but possibly not-very-slim ITALIA (43, 5’2”). I’ll message her soon since CMB matches usually result in a meetup for me.

[NorthDallas40]

It took 7.5 hours, but PETULIA wrote back a 5-paragraph response, requesting that we chat a bit more on OKC before she calls. Luckily there were some encouraging phrases:

 

"So cool you haven't eaten any animal for over half your life. I'm very excited to be talking to a Vegan veteran! lol. Serious, since I started eating vegan 3 weeks ago, vegans who go vegan for reasons of compassion have suddenly become very sexy."

 

"What's your fav spot? Oh pls tell me your vegan secrets. lol"

 

"I would love to talk on the phone with you. ... but do you mind if we exchange a few more messages here before we move to the phone?

 

So I responded an hour later with an equally lengthy response. So far she seems smart, well-spoken and cute, so fingers crossed that the convo continues.