Death threats during pregnancy scare. What's next?

[ShyGirl12]

I've been seeing this guy since the beginning of January and everything was going well. We had known each other for about 6 years, and we had been very on and off. He had decided he wanted things to get a bit more serious between us this year and I was okay with that. We began dating exlusively and we'd spend a lot of our free time together. He was very charming, funny, sweet.. etc. It seemed like he was everything I'd want in a man. Extremely sexy too. I thought I was struck gold with this one.

 

Then I started feeling sick. I'd feel extremely nauseous at times, I'd get very dizzy while standing up for a long period of time, very tired, I'd experience hot flashes, loss of appetite at times & then completely over-eating at other times. Something just wasn't right with me. I wasn't expecting my period for at least another 2 weeks but I was still very scared. We had used protection every single time we slept together, but I started to question whether or not it was possible that the condom broke. I don't know if I did the right thing by letting him know how I was feeling, but he urged me to take a pregnancy test. I was a bit taken back by the way he had demanded I take a test because I felt like if he was as sure that he "always checked the condom after" then he shouldn't have been so adamant. He didn't want children. He didn't want children with me. He even went as far as to say he'd kill me if I was pregnant and didn't have an abortion. He said he wasn't ready for the responsibility. I just let the conversation die down and kept to myself about it.

 

A few days ago I began panicking because I was expecting my period and I had recieved no symptoms that I usually do beforehand. I called him (my second mistake) and said "if I don't see my period by tomorrow I'm officially late, it's probably best that we discuss our options now". This time he was more upset. This time he yelled, and this time he said I'd have no option but to get an abortion. He said if I didn't, he'd find out regardless if I tried to hide from him and he'd come find me. I know what he was saying, yet again.

 

This time I didn't hold back and I let him know just how disgusting I felt he was. I just didn't understand how someone that I thought was prince charming could have turned on me in this way. I have a very bright future ahead of me. I just landed a potential career position, I'm in my first year of university and I'm only 21 years old. I have a lot going for myself. He always described me as a very good girl. He said that although he was scared of commitment, he didn't want to let his fears be the reason he misses out on what he could have with me. I just didn't understand how he could feel this way and yet treat me the way he had been, at such a crucial, sensitive, scary time for the both of us. He's 23 and let's just say that right now, he's not nearly as lucky as I am. He'd have nothing to offer me but he spoke to me as if I'd be trying to ruin HIS life by going through with a potential pregnancy. It all was just so shocking to hear and to experience. He basically told me to f--- myself and I cried myself to sleep that night.

 

Luckily, the very next day my period came. I cannot tell you how happy I was. I've learned so much within the past few weeks about myself, about getting to know people, about men. I'm completely turned off at this point from even trying to start anything new with anyone. I just need a break from it all. I want to focus on me and my goals, I can't afford to meet someone else that would put me through something like this. I have not let him know about my period and I have cut all contact with him, I'm even contemplating getting my phone number changed. I'm just very worried that he's a very crazy person and although I feel like knowing I did get my period would be of relief to him, I just can't risk allowing him back in my life to possibly talk me into forgiving him for what he said to me. Even though he was very protective of me while we were together, and treated me like royalty, I do genuinely feel that he would hurt me to save himself. I really just want him to stay as far as possible away from me.

 

 

I want to be done with dating for now. I don't want to get close to anyone else for a while. How do I actually follow through with this when I'm consistently meeting people that want to change my mind? I don't want to grow bitter, or scared to love and to trust but I feel as through I'm heading there now. This was the last straw...

[mhowe]

This isn't all on him --- granted, his response was over the top...but you don't run to "I might be pregnant" when you fell ill 2 weeks before period is happening. You see a doctor. And when your period is "officially late" by a day --

 

It was no a crucial, sensitive or scary time -- it was a "made up drama" time. You were a day late.

 

And I think you are being wise to not date -- you are young, have career plans ---and need to tone down the drama.

[Heather Dawn]

This isn't all on him --- granted, his response was over the top...but you don't run to "I might be pregnant" when you fell ill 2 weeks before period is happening. You see a doctor. And when your period is "officially late" by a day --

 

It was no a crucial, sensitive or scary time -- it was a "made up drama" time. You were a day late.

 

And I think you are being wise to not date -- you are young, have career plans ---and need to tone down the drama.

 

Wow, do I disagree. She may have jumped to conclusions, but the issue here is not hers, but his. He threatened to kill her!

 

Honey, MOST men are NOT like that. You shouldn't let him scare you off of other men. Just understand that you really, truly should know someone before you risk getting into a serious situation with them.

[mhowe]

I think, given OP's dramatic leanings that the "I am going to kill you if you are pregnant" is similar to "I am going to kill you for borrowing my sweater"...I agree he was rude -- but the fireworks were lit by OP...2x.

[bulletproof]

I'm a little confused by your post. You say you'd been on and off with him for six years. Had you never discussed children, if either of you would ever want them, etc.? You also say you thought that you'd "struck gold" with him, yet later on in your post you mention that he doesn't have a lot to offer.

 

You don't have to meet someone who will "put you through something like this" (although I would argue that you both put yourselves through it). Use good judgment, or better yet, stay single for a while. There were probably other signs that he was not a good match for you, but you have to learn how to look for them.

[lavenderdove]

OK, you've barely known this guy 6 weeks. So no matter how nice you THOUGHT he was, he obviously isn't that person.

 

If someone has threatened you, you need to tell hiim point blank that you are not pregnant so he doesn't have to worry. THEN you disappear from his life. You don't want to let him think you are pregnant and have any incentive to hunt you down and carry out his threats. If the thing making him act crazy is the fear of pregnancy and that you will soak him for child support, then you need to let him know that he has no concerns there, but also that the relationship is over because obviously you two don't have similar views on how to handle such a situation should it arise ever in future.

 

So your first thought should be to protect yourself, and that protection lies in letting him know he has no worries, you are not pregnant. If you don't tell him, he may fear that you are and will wait until the baby is born and then hit him with child support. You don't want him operating under that illusion. So send him an email letting him know you're not pregnant after all, then be done with him.

 

re: dating, first, recognize that an early pregnancy scare does terrify men who know they will be on the hook to 18 years of child support should you choose to go thru with the pregnancy. Many can and do behave badly when confronted with that. So in future, BEFORE you ever get intimate, have a discussion about birth control and how you would handle a pregnancy. if you don't believe in abortion and he does, then don't date him. and never bring up the potential for pregnancy unless you have actually taken a test and had a positive result because it brings a lot of drama and fear to the surface as you discovered.

[ShyGirl12]

I do agree that I shouldn't have ran to tell him how I had been feeling but I expected a certain response and recieved one that only intensified my fears. We had used protection every time so I was naturally expecting him be more confident that pregnancy wasn't an option. He said he'd kill me if I was pregnant and didn't get an abortion the very first conversation we had about this. I became even MORE scared than I initially was about being pregnant. I do feel it was a scary time because I began thinking that maybe there was a slip-up that he didn't let me know about before, based on his extreme response.

 

We discussed this twice. Both times, I was very calm about it & it was more about me not feeling good than it was about pregnancy. I just wanted to completely avoid showing up a month later like "guess what? I'm pregnant for you" because it had been going on a month since I last had been intimate with him. Bad enough that I had described the symptoms to my mom and "are you pregnant?" was her first response. It was scary.

[bulletproof]

OK, you've barely known this guy 6 weeks. So no matter how nice you THOUGHT he was, he obviously isn't that person.

 

She said she's known him for six years, I think.

[disneyfan]

Yikes. This man sounds like a psycho. Do not see him anymore. And I promise, not all men are like that. Most aren't even like that, this guy just has some issues. I would change my phone number, and if he continues to bother you, get a restraining order.

[ShyGirl12]

I'm a little confused by your post. You say you'd been on and off with him for six years. Had you never discussed children, if either of you would ever want them, etc.? You also say you thought that you'd "struck gold" with him, yet later on in your post you mention that he doesn't have a lot to offer.

 

You don't have to meet someone who will "put you through something like this" (although I would argue that you both put yourselves through it). Use good judgment, or better yet, stay single for a while. There were probably other signs that he was not a good match for you, but you have to learn how to look for them.

 

 

Yes, I knew he didn't want children when we first began getting to know each other. I didn't either. I felt good that we were thinking along the same lines. My ex-boyfriend really wanted kids and I feared that it'd be something he'd start expecting before I was ready for it. I struck gold with him because he was everything I was looking for. Smart, charming, funny, cute.. etc. In terms of his future, he just doesn't have much to offer right now because of a certain circumstance he's in which I don't want to get into.

 

There definitely were signs though.

[happyfrank]

I have not let him know about my period. For your safety you should tell him and never contact him again.

[ShyGirl12]

I think, given OP's dramatic leanings that the "I am going to kill you if you are pregnant" is similar to "I am going to kill you for borrowing my sweater"...I agree he was rude -- but the fireworks were lit by OP...2x.

 

No. His thought process is very "dark" at times.. for example, he finds murder, tragedy that ends in death as things to be celebrated because to him when people die they're free from this horrible world we live in which is why I wasn't convinced that this was not equivalent to "i am going to kill you for borrowing my sweater".

[SapphireNoir10]

He sounds crazy. You don't threaten to kill someone EVER.

 

If he feels so strongly against pregnancy he'd kill someone that got pregnant with his child he shouldn't have sex.

 

I do agree thought always wait till you get a positive test until you bring it up. Symptoms and not feeling period symptoms are not reason enough to scare someone like that. Granted it might be good in this case because you've seen his true colours.

 

He does have a right to know you got your period though. It's not fair to him to let him think you might be pregnant. No matter how bad he is, he has a right to know.

 

Well done on you for ending it though, anyone that loves or cares for you would say if they wanted you to have an abortion that they'd prefer that you did but they'd be there if you didn't. Not threaten to kill you.

 

Poor you

[ShyGirl12]

So a general question for anyone still reading, is it better to go through being scared about the possibility of a pregnancy alone to spare his worries? It's not something I'd be comfortable with bringing up with friends. We had sex very frequently, so it's not as if I really pulled it out of the air. I know what could happen when you're sexually active. What if I had thought I had contracted an STD? Would it be selfish of me to let him know I think I may have been infected before I go to the clinic to confirm? Or is this a completely new discussion?

[SpottiOtti]

I don't think it was wrong or dramatic of you to tell him how you were feeling. You should be able to tell your partner stuff like that without fear of reprisal or of being considered a "drama queen". Was it jumping to conclusions? Yes. But there's a reason you went down that thought road, you know? Obviously pregnancy is on your mind for whatever reason. When i was younger, if I was late I would always be like, "Oh God, please don't let me be pregnant." If you were jumping to conclusions, your partner could have (rationally) discussed it with you instead of threatening to kill you. I don't think being worried about pregnancy (even if it's unfounded) should be something you can't share with your partner.

 

For example, if I had been feeling scared about this, my BF would have gone to the store with me and waited outside the bathroom while I took a pregnancy test. We would have talked about our options. If he felt that he didn't want me to have a child right now, he would have said so, but there would have been no death threats.

 

That sounds very scary and I'm glad you are rid of this guy.

[lavenderdove]

>>She said she's known him for six years, I think.

 

But she's only been dating him since Jan. People are inherently very suspicious if you turn up pregnant so soon after dating begins.

 

>>In terms of his future, he just doesn't have much to offer right now because of a certain circumstance he's in which I don't want to get into.

 

He's married or has a GF? That will really make them go psycho. Not that there is any excuse for that, but it could be a reason.

[JA0371]

You are NOT wrong or dramatic in any way for telling this guy you could be late and are worried. And any decent kind of guy would have been supportive. It takes TWO to make a baby...and to threaten to kill you if you didn't abort?? Wow...good news is you are rid of this loser. Be glad he's gone..

[ShyGirl12]

>>She said she's known him for six years, I think.

 

But she's only been dating him since Jan. People are inherently very suspicious if you turn up pregnant so soon after dating begins.

 

>>In terms of his future, he just doesn't have much to offer right now because of a certain circumstance he's in which I don't want to get into.

 

He's married or has a GF? That will really make them go psycho. Not that there is any excuse for that, but it could be a reason.

 

No it wasn't either or these things. He just doesn't want a child, and that's completely understandable but if it's to the extent that you're willing to threaten people I don't think you should be having sex..

 

Also, him being suspicious about me turning up pregnant is why I felt it was necessary to let him know sooner. I have gotten really busy lately so we haven't been able to see each other much. Almost 1 month has gone by since we were last intimate. I feel like he'd have more reason to be suspicious about a pregnancy if I just all of a sudden said "hey I'm pregnant" & kept what I was feeling to myself.

[regular joe]

You are NOT wrong or dramatic in any way for telling this guy you could be late and are worried. And any decent kind of guy would have been supportive. It takes TWO to make a baby...and to threaten to kill you if you didn't abort?? Wow...good news is you are rid of this loser. Be glad he's gone..

 

I could have said this better myself. Get Away and Stay Away from him.

[SapphireNoir10]

When I was late I told my partner of 6 months when I wad 4/5 days late, did a test, told him I was pregnant. I didnt see the point in worrying him until I was officially late.

 

He was kind and supportive and we now have a 4 month old together.

 

But, I mean after a short while of dating I'd be reluctant to say I'd been having pregnancy symptoms until I was late or got a positive test. But thats just me. But thinking on what people have said, if you've known him for a long time and your a couple having regular sex...the other posters are right. You should be able to broach the subject with a partner without them going mad at you and telling you they'll kill you.

 

You have done the right thing in getting away. You really have. He sounds unstable and unkind.

 

In the analogy you use of the STD...if you told him you might have one, got tested and you didn't but by the time you found out you had one...do you not think it would be fair to let him know you don't have one?

 

Same as in he shouldn't be left wondering if he has a kid on the way.

[Wayfara]

I don't think it was wrong or dramatic of you to tell him how you were feeling. You should be able to tell your partner stuff like that without fear of reprisal or of being considered a "drama queen".

 

I agree. Sharing one's concerns is normal in healthy relationships. He is the one being dramatic with death threaths and all.

[bulletproof]

>>She said she's known him for six years, I think.

 

But she's only been dating him since Jan. People are inherently very suspicious if you turn up pregnant so soon after dating begins.

 

Perhaps. But your original point with that comment seemed to be that she couldn't possibly know if he was nice or not because they hadn't known each other very long, when in fact they've known each other for six years.

[Mercurial Girl]

WOW!!!!

 

I can't believe the responses. I don't think you did anything wrong by sharing your concerns with your partner. You did not at all incite drama. Unbelievable that the response to receiving death threats was that you brought it on yourself because you were naturally very worried about your symptoms and shared them with your partner.

 

I would record any future conversations (hopefully there is no need for any, however) from here on out in case you will need a restraining order later. Not kidding. Be very careful.

[superfan]

WOW!!!!

 

I can't believe the responses. I don't think you did anything wrong by sharing your concerns with your partner. You did not at all incite drama. Unbelievable that the response to receiving death threats was that you brought it on yourself because you were naturally very worried about your symptoms and shared them with your partner.

 

I would record any future conversations (hopefully there is no need for any, however) from here on out in case you will need a restraining order later. Not kidding. Be very careful.

 

I agree 100% with this. You did the RIGHT thing by voicing your concerns to your partner and wanting to talk options. My husband and I have had to take a pregnancy test a couple times because the birth control pill that I am on makes my periods really irregular. I can go months without having it, so there is no way to know for sure unless I start having symptoms. Now obviously our situation is different because we are married and a child would be something unexpected but that we would ultimately deal with together.

 

Being not married to this guy, and concerned that your body was reacting abnormally so close to getting your period would be incredibly stressful and scary. And as others have said, it takes TWO to make a baby. I don't think it was 'stirring up drama' at all to say to him 'hey I might be late here, we should talk about what will happen if I am pregnant'. In my mind, that is VERY proactive and any normal (and/or honourable) guy would simply say "OK, lets get a pregnancy test and talk about it from there".

 

He sounds mentally unstable. Any guy would would flip out, make death threats and ORDER you to have an abortion is someone you want to stay FAR FAR away from. The only thing I would maybe recommend doing is sending a polite but impersonal email telling him you are not pregnant and that you don't wish to continue to see him. This gives you peace of mind that he knows (and therefore won't continue to harass you) and leaves a paper trail (well electronic trail) in case he does continue. You can go to the police if that happens and show him the emails.

 

I find it funny that people are saying you should not have said anything before hand when most of the time when a woman DOES keep it to herself and share the news after the test is down they are attacked and then accused of "doing it on purpose".

 

And also that is a HUGELY stressful thing for someone to go to (the worrying, fear, anxiety, especially if you don't want children.) To say the OP should have to "deal with that herself" is really unfair.

[lavenderdove]

I don't think that anybody here is saying that how he reacted is OK or normal. But many men, especially if there is a very early pregnancy, are totally freaked out by it so it is not something to bring up until you know it is not just a random possibility because you're feeling in a way that could be explained by any number of reasons. Who wants to cause a partner that anxiety when you're not even sure yourself, and pregnancy tests are so very easy to get and take?

 

And she doesn't need to bring up a 'possible' pregnancy when pregnancy tests these days are extremely sensitive and you can test for pregnancy 14 days after having sex, or from the earliest moment you know you are late. So random feelings of a headache or bloat or any other symptom doesn't necessitate a pregnancy discussion unless you have tested yourself for it and know you're pregnant. It like every time you get a belly ache or a head ache or a swollen lymph node, running to your partner and saying, 'oh no, i think i might have cancer'! You don't do that, you go investigate before you start catastrophizing it, especially when there are any number of reasons you might be having those particular symptoms.

 

If she wasn't actually taking a pregnancy test to discover whether she was pregnant or not, it doesn't make sense to go cry in his lap when an appropriate response to fear of pregnancy is taking the test to discover the truth rather than running to him and increasing and extending the anxiety for both her partner and herself.