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Are my standards to high?


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Not to sound cocky but I realize that I am a good looking guy. Almost everyone I meet will say I look like an actor or should go into male modeling. I take pride in my appearance, have really nice clothes and put them together well. I'm constantly comparing myself to other actors and models in order to look even better. I guess it's like a pursuit to perfection, which I know is awful.


Every time I want to talk to a girl, or try bring one home she has to be of model like attraction or else I don't feel satisfied. I know this is really shallow but I can't help but feel this way. I've come to the conclusion lately that my obsession with myself has gone on way to far, and I believe it's no longer "drawing girls in" but rather intimidating them and drawing them away.


Any advice on what I should do or work on? Girls are just beginning to be less and less friendly with me, and people sometimes wonder why I don't have girls chasing me all the time (this is literally what people have said to me). Another issue is that my last gf was extremely gorgeous so I feel like I deserve just as beautiful or more. This is awful I know, so please don't judge me. I'm trying to fix this problem.


Thank you.

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well, beauty fades but dumb is forever. you can always be in search of the next hottest woman, but if you are looking to marry and settle down, the hottest woman won't always be the best wife. not saying she won't be, but just selecting women based on their appearance isn't a great way to have long lasting potential. my advice is to start meeting women through some events or organizations, not just bars which are kind of meat markets. just enjoy, have fun, get to know them.


besides - if hot was so great, wouldn't you and your ex still be together?

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Looks are only part of the equation. In fact, it means less to girls than the traits of being a friendly, modest, and funny guy. You seem unhealthily consumed by attractiveness, which will naturally mean you're either going to be alone for a long time or be in a string of shallow, unsatisfying relationships.


I say, start nurturing you inner qualities.

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I've come to the conclusion lately thatmy obsession with myself has gone on way to far, and I believe it's no longer "drawing girls in" but rather intimidating them and drawing them away.


Any advice on what I should do or work on? Girls are just beginning to be less and less friendly with me.

I think you answered your own question. When people are so obsessed with their own looks, it WILL, and does, push people in the opposite direction .. FAST. No-one wants to be with someone who is "full of themselves" and self-absorbed and as you have clearly noticed, girls are not interested, far less friendly and heading for the hills. But, that said, at least you KNOW why.


As to what to do about it. It's really fairly simple. You stop being so self-absorbed and obsessed with your looks and start showing genuine interest in other people. Focus on others and stop trying so hard to impress (you have seen where that gets you). Turn the attention on others and away from yourself. If that fails and you still obsess with yourself and your looks, then perhaps therapy would be a good idea.

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If you're so concerned about aesthetics (read: looks, appearance), then there's really nothing to "deserve." People deserve a lot of things, and to be judged on their appearance is not one of them. I'm a psychology major, but I don't have to be one to see that the reason women are becoming more intimidated and less friendly is because you think you "deserve" something for being born with a "hot" appearance. Looks will only get you so far, remember that; looks fade, personality and kindness and respect stay. Also remember; girls want attention, women want respect. You saying that a woman "has to be of model like attraction" even to earn a second glance from you is just setting the stage for failure. This is the real world, not an air-brushed model magazine. You aren't so important simply because of your appearance that you are entitled to anything, or anyone. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if you're really trying to fix this problem, reality and the truth hurt. I'm sure you're very handsome, but that attitude just makes you ugly.

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It does turn me off, if a guy is so into himself. Don't you have any other interests or hobbies? you don't state your age, but I think as we get older, we value looks less and less. Like when I was in high school, college, just out of school, I was all about "looks" but you know, looks are not important. I don't want a guy that is just pretty. Over the past maybe 3 years or so, the men I have been dating have been more men of substance. they are either really intelligent or super funny with a good heart. i like learning about their interests and sharing mine. My last relationship lasted about 18 months and honestly, we was not model material at all but he had a great smile. Maybe you need to stop focusing so much on the looks... her and yours. And look inside. What else do you have to offer besides looks and cool clothes?


I don't mean that to sound mean, but that might get my attention but it wouldn't keep it. Especially, if you are all "I only date gorgeous girls". I think I am an attractive woman, I get a lot of compliments and asked out a lot but I am really smart, have a career I care about, I am very close to my family, I have many interests such as art, history, exercising, sporting events etc. So if someone just works on making themselves look better and can't deal with me on the days I have my hair up in a clip, wear my comfy but kinda frumpy sweats, and no make up, then I am probably thinking you like me for the wrong reasons.

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What Lambert said ^^


I don't want to be all frills and nothing else. I have been wearing sweatpants and comfortable clothes from the get-go with my bf. I am a full-time senior in college and work as a CNA, so I spend a lot of time in scrubs! I value my relationships with friends and family, have a good heart, a sense of humor, value education and am going to pursue a doctorate in my field, can take care of myself, etc. Interesting but no, you wouldn't even give a second glance if we passed on the street simply because I'm 5'3, slightly overweight from a recent depressive episode (but working hard at the gym to lose it!), and don't wear designer anything because I'm too freaking poor from student loans, rent, groceries, gas, etc.

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I think you sound super obsessed with looks and that comes off as being very arrogant.


And to the whole wanting a model, that makes it seem like your better than others, since you believe that your so high up on the food chain.


Also, those girls are starting to dislike you because you most likely are presenting how you think on the inside, on the outside.


Your no longer hiding it.

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I don't think theres anything wrong with you per say........... i am now atttracted to diff types of guy like my ex now that i dated him...im the same way....they have to be hot....but the conceeding thing is a big deall, not one wants to be around someone who looks at themselves in the mirror more than them...and same goes for the time frame you spend in the bathroom.

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I used to know a guy who was absolutely GORGEOUS - to look at. He had worked as a model, though I knew him when we worked in the same advertising agency. He took a bit of a shine to me - though I suspect that it was my lack of availability to him, and the fact that I didn't swoon over him which formed a major part of the attraction.


Thing is, girls in the agency - and in advertising in those days, female staff were chosen largely for their looks - were initially attracted to him, then scuttled very fast in the opposite direction when they realised quite how superficial, vain and self-absorbed he was. And BORING.


I don't think you're setting your standards too high. It's just that you're not setting any standards at all in the areas which really matter to most people.

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You all have very good points. I don't know how I let myself get to this point, but I guess it just derived from being "ugly" when I was young and made fun of in middle school. Now that the exact opposites has taken place over the past 8 years or so I feel the need to be 'better' then everyone in terms of appearance. I love being blessed with the way I look, but it's just getting superficial to the point where yes, I may be ALONE because of it. I haven't been in a relationship in a years and half and this is probably the reason why. I'm just glad I caught myself now

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High standards are not bad in and of themselves. In fact, there are some people who could stand to raise theirs. But in your case, I'd say your standards are...yeah, high, but also misplaced. Physical attractiveness does play a part in romance, but it's very unstable, so not a good foundation on which to build a relationship. Like the others have said, there are other qualities that are far more important for making it work in the long run.


While you're at least holding yourself up to your high standards as well (it's silly how some average-looking or even ugly people think they're entitled to absolute perfection), they're not exactly reasonable. Any time something could happen to alter your appearance (injury, illness, aging, etc.)

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A friend of mine has a good saying-- all package and no present. you know like the beautiful boxes in the depart store windows at xmas.... at first you want one because they are so pretty and then you open it and nothing!


I don't think your standards are too high if women are pulling away from you. I think you need to examine why they pull away. It might not be you, it might be them... but if you want a relationship, there comes a point where you have to be real in order for it to work. And perfect-- that is not real.

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There is nothing wrong with having standards, we all do. As to whether they are too high or not, I am not one to judge but ultimately you have to make decisions that you are satisfied with. However, you also need to be realistic and consider those women who are not of instant attraction when it comes to appearance. It takes time for attraction to build and all parameters should be considered. Never underestimate the power and impact of women that are interested in getting to you know better, and genuinely care about your well-being.


It hasn't happened for me yet, but I always believe that the above (women who actually care and want to be a part of your life) should not be taken for granted. This is something that many good people out there never find in their lives, so it should always be appreciated. Recently, I did meet a girl that I may not have considered previously, but interested in getting to know each other better and see where it goes. As long as she is genuine, kind, friendly, has direction and we can share open communication and interests, and both interested in more than this is more than good enough. In the past, I have been guilty of raising the bar too high, but as I get older and obtain more life experiences, finding someone that likes you for being yourself is not easy by any means, so when it does happen you should be flattered and thankful.

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Not that I really should be commenting on having too high standards, but I just thought that I should mention an experience I had a few years ago with someone who I honestly considered to be one of the physically ugliest girls I had ever met. One day we struck up a conversation and ended up talking for hours after realizing that our thought processes were essentially exactly the same. I never imagined that I could have such a connection with someone who I was so repulsed by physically. We never dated, nor would I have wanted to date her (I just don't think I could date someone that I am not physically attracted to in some way), but what I found was that she touched me quite deeply with her personality and I quickly developed a profound respect for her. I think most people never bothered really to put in the effort to know her because of her looks (I admit I was one of them at first), but I was so turned around by her personality when I finally did talk to her that it made me look at her in an entirely new light from that point on.


The moral of this story was not to say that you should date ugly chicks as a solution to your high-standard problem, but maybe just to open your mind a bit to the fact there are some truly amazing people out there who are usually not given a second thought because of their appearance. Food for thought...

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Still yes.


**Massive edit: I thought this was the OP posting his picture! Apologies! Unless you are this person and think along the same lines of the OP, then my answer is STILL "still yes"!


The ENA-er who posted this is female! And I think there's just a faint possibilty it might be a bit of a joke...

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I'm not really getting from the OP that he wants to change-until he gets past the "I can't help it" and realizes he can to an extent (some of attraction is beyond our control but not all of it for sure) then there's no real sense in analyzing this. OP you've seen the downsides of your approach and mindset but you might end up feeling like the downsides are worth it to walk into a room with someone you believe looks like a model. Also make sure your income is enough to help her keep up her looks to your exacting standards if it actually turns into an LTR.

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