How to Deal with a Curve Ball I NEVER Saw Coming (death by puns)

[truman2017]

When I was 26, 36 or last week, I would have been flattered to hear from the lady and I would maybe re evaluate the situation......maybe he is playing hard to get, trying to see what you are willing to do next.....I do know this, if I was really into you, my behavior throughout the situation would have been more receptive....Hence the question I asked previous.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm not Truman obviously, but I think your goal of getting him to respect you and having him respond 'best' are at odds. To get him to respect you, you're going to have to tell him he's a cad. Obviously he won't respond well to that. He knows he is and it only works for him when people let him behave that way. Behaving the way he is, respect is not what he's after.

 

Ugh. Yuck. Ugly truths.

 

You mean -- in that part in bold -- he's not after respect from me?

 

So it sounds like a no-win situation for me, pl3ase? As I said early on in this thread, I urgently want to call him out on this, because I really don't like to see people think they can get away with pulling crap (which is why I'm preparing to rumble with the landlady if she tries to take advantage of me, after I've been nothing but compliant and respectful here.)

 

If I can't call him out on it because it won't go over well...and this emboldens him to continue being a cad, doesn't that put me in a poor position? I think you're absolutely right with the things you say, but then what is my move supposed to be? If he gets away with crap because people "let him", should I just be another person who "lets him"?

 

I'm not sure how to rectify it without turning into a jerk myself. And as I said in the post above, why should I be something I'm not just to even the score?

[tiredofvampires]

When I was 26, 36 or last week, I would have been flattered to hear from the lady and I would maybe re evaluate the situation......maybe he is playing hard to get, trying to see what you are willing to do next.....I do know this, if I was really into you, my behavior throughout the situation would have been more receptive....Hence the question I asked previous.

 

So then, your question was a bit rhetorical?

 

That it's pretty damn clear he's really not into me (on any level, for any purpose) because of his lack of receptivity, both during our encounters and now after?

[truman2017]

So then, your question was a bit rhetorical?

 

That it's pretty damn clear he's really not into me (on any level, for any purpose) because of his lack of receptivity, both during our encounters and now after?

 

since I don't know him I wanted to know what you think....the kind of question a Private Eye might ask

[tiredofvampires]

This is one of those times I'm SOOOO glad people in real life generally don't know about my being on ENA (at least, not casual people I know.)

 

Can you imagine what his reaction would be if he knew all this furious analysis was going on?

 

His ego would literally create a sonic boom.

[pl3asehelp]

Yeah, he's not concerned with you respecting him. If he were, he'd have treated you with respect so far, which in my opinion he hasn't. I think you're too concerned with how he'll receive this message and wanting to avoid a potential conflict. The way I see it, he's wronged you and you SHOULD call him out on it and not be so worried about his response, feelings, or anything else about him.

 

You're NOT a jerk for standing up for yourself just because in the process there might be a bit of a conflict and hurt feelings.

 

I'm a bit confused as to what poor position you think standing up for yourself may put you in. He'll know you're someone who will not tolerate being treated poorly and being disrespected. I hope you're not considering not calling him out because you don't want him to get upset and end things as they are.

[tiredofvampires]

since I don't know him I wanted to know what you think....the kind of question a Private Eye might ask

 

I actually don't know him well enough either. That is part of why this is so out of my element. I enjoy being with people who are "what you see is what you get" types. That's the kind of person I am. I'm far from perfect, but I don't have elaborate masks. I do keep some of my private pains and fears/insecurities to myself (and am a terribly good actress, most of the time), but that's more a matter of keeping things that are too raw for those I really trust.

 

The more intimate we've become, the more I've had to let him in on these painful revelations about myself. I was afraid they would turn him off, but they didn't and haven't (or have they? I don't know, maybe). But I have NO CLUE what he is really thinking.

 

There is something in his eyes I noticed at the very beginning -- as I mentioned. There is a tough barrier there. It's a wall. Sometimes it borders on that hard look you see in mug shots, which is a little disconcerting. I don't think he's a bad person, but I think he's someone who has made it so hard to guess at what he's thinking, it's all speculation. What makes me think he's not into me is that someone who is into me would make more of an effort to connect, and also would not treat me with what I feel to be a carelessness, thoughtlessness.

 

I don't understand a person who says, "I'd like to talk about this later" and then when I show up, doesn't even have it in him to say, "I'm not up to talking about it after all, I've got other things on my mind, but thanks." Was he just baiting me?

 

He did say to me that the previous roomie he had here was also a girl who got run off by the nimrods here, as they harassed her, too. Our running theory (he actually enjoys the field of psychology, which is another hint to me that he's not just a dimbulb on autopilot -- he's emotionally perceptive, I believe) is that the landlady's daughter -- who has been the meanest to me of all -- has some issues of feeling threatened by other women. I don't know how old the former roomie was, but she seems to have been somewhere between our ages (his and mine), based on the pictures I've seen. He said they got really chummy (heh heh, when he was first tracing his nose accross my cheek on the couch that first night, I asked with a bit of a shy giggle, "Um...did this happen to Corinne?" and he stopped for a second, laughed with a totally taken-off-guard air, and said, "ha, NO, this didn't happen to her", and his tone made me think it was probably true.) But he had told me that if she hadn't had to leave, "I would have definitely wanted to hang out with her. She was so sweet. The sweetest girl I think I've ever met. She would sing in the shower, she was a soprano." So I'm not sure whether he would have crushed on her to the point of it getting this far...but the expression on his face when he said these things made me think it could have happened with her, and the affection he was conveying about HER seemed real.

 

I don't think I can necessarily extrapolate from her to me, but if "sweetness" is an attractive thing to him, one would think I'm a winner in his books.

 

Look at the girl he says he wants to marry -- is this an Ice Queen? An unattainable femme fatale? (To hark back to a point you made, quirky) No, absolutely the opposite.

 

So what gives, here?

[truman2017]

age difference an issue?

[tiredofvampires]

Huh? You mean he is simply put off by the age difference?

[tiredofvampires]

And why would a 44-year-old woman have scared the beejeezus out of you, Truman, at that age?

[truman2017]

Huh? You mean he is simply put off by the age difference?

 

 

perhaps after further evaluation? maybe after your encounter he thought differently about the age difference

[penelope13]

TOV, no offense meant, but you are a bit all over the place with this. What do you really want? Do you want something CASUAL and are asking how to go about that? Or are you asking why he didn't consider you specifically for either something casual, or a friendship with some 'caring physical aspect', or do you want to know why he doesn't have the same consideration for you as he has for this woman that you call "ice queen"?

 

For something casual - you are wasting too much thought and agonizing on it. Casual dating, casual friendships, casual sex - they all have in common that it's a bit of a chance game: you either hit it off, or you don't for a possibility of a million of reasons, but because it's supposed to be casual no need to analyze it to death afterwards why it didn't happen.

[truman2017]

And why would a 44-year-old woman have scared the beejeezus out of you, Truman, at that age?

 

I was 26 going on 20.....an older woman would have intimidated me just by her knowledge and experiences that I had yet to seek.....At second thought when I was 27 i dated a 38 year old for a while...she had 4 kids and I thought "what are you doing" and she told me "what are you doing"! it was fun but we knew it would not last

[Crazyaboutdogs]

TOV, no offense meant, but you are a bit all over the place with this. What do you really want? Do you want something CASUAL and are asking how to go about that? Or are you asking why he didn't consider you specifically for either something casual, or a friendship with some 'caring physical aspect', or do you want to know why he doesn't have the same consideration for you as he has for this woman that you call "ice queen"?

 

For something casual - you are wasting too much thought and agonizing on it. Casual dating, casual friendships, casual sex - they all have in common that it's a bit of a chance game: you either hit it off, or you don't for a possibility of a million of reasons, but because it's supposed to be casual no need to analyze it to death afterwards why it didn't happen.

 

I have to agree with this. It is rather confusing..on the one hand you bought condoms in order to continue to pursue this casual thing..but on the other hand you are angry with the way he treated you both times you had physical intimacy and want to call him out on his behaviour. You are falling into the age old trap of wanting the bad boy in bed yet at the same time being angry at the bad boy for being bad and wanting to set him on the path to redemption.

[pl3asehelp]

I have to agree with this. It is rather confusing..on the one hand you bought condoms in order to continue to pursue this casual thing..but on the other hand you are angry with the way he treated you both times you had physical intimacy and want to call him out on his behaviour. You are falling into the age old trap of wanting the bad boy in bed yet at the same time being angry at the bad boy for being bad and wanting to set him on the path to redemption.

 

I have to think the age difference is a factor in this as well. Older women 'could' be flattered at the attention of a young guy more so than they would be by a man closer to their age and put up with a lot of crap they know they should not be. Could be.

[tiredofvampires]

TOV, no offense meant, but you are a bit all over the place with this. What do you really want? Do you want something CASUAL and are asking how to go about that? Or are you asking why he didn't consider you specifically for either something casual, or a friendship with some 'caring physical aspect', or do you want to know why he doesn't have the same consideration for you as he has for this woman that you call "ice queen"?

 

No offense taken. Though correction -- I didn't call her an "ice queen," I said she was the opposite of one. I can't see him having the hard, dirty sex he was offering me with her, and while there is a yawning cavern of difference between me and her in his life, I don't know why sex with me should have to be less respectful, even if a fleeting experience. For instance, if I say, "please stop", it seems that whether you're in the heat of the moment with an SO or a casual fling, that should be respected. If you inadvertently hurt your partner, it shouldn't hinge on how long you've been sleeping with them to say, "oops, sorry. you okay?"

 

I also don't know how the same traits in me that he would love in her (emotional softness as I sensed it, sweetness, nurturing qualities) would bring disrespect for ME, if these are qualities he values. That doesn't compute. I'm not saying I want to be his gf, I'm saying it doesn't compute that if you have "Nice Girl" traits, in one case, that brings you love; in another case, that brings you callous treatment and disrespect. And because of my past, I have a hard time not internalizing that as a function of something unlovable about me.

 

The reason it seems I'm "all over the place" is because I'm going through a bunch of feelings and reflections about this, and if I had it figured out, I wouldn't be posting. I'm not gonna lie, I'm confused and the implications of different parts of this I want to understand better, so I'm exploring it away from the people who normally would accuse me of "analyzing it to death" (i.e., people in my real life). The beauty of ENA to me is that people stick around for an OP to work through something long after people in real life/friends would want to snap their heads off.

 

I have not posted such a personal thread here in years. And I almost didn't post this, because I felt I should be able to figure this out on my own, and plus, I imagined it would be seen with some stereotypical lenses that I don't feel fit my situation. But I posted anyway because for ME, this is not a simple and straightforward subject or incident, and if it were, I assure you I would have kept mums. Will this issue finally drop, yes, but even though you're labeling it for me ("casual sex", which is "supposed" to be xyz), for me this is not a casual experience, for all the reasons I've described over these pages, whatever type of sex you want to catalogue it as. You're trying to make it fit into a certain box, and I understand why you're doing that -- you're trying to define the nature of what casual sex is about so I can ascribe its correct value to it, and move on without all this mental contortion (and thank you for the fine intentions), but it's not that easy for me because all the extenuating ramifications it has for me are VAST (my perception of my body, my perception of my overall sexuality, my mixed feelings about not having consummated it, my sex appeal as I may or may not be accurately judging it, what about this attention has inspired in me, either good or bad, my health and related risks, the complications that don't exist for others in that, weighing out those pros/cons, my future sex life and what I want from it, my fears about it, etc.)

 

I have tried to express some of these significant issues as they relate to nonchallant, common "casual sex", as defined by *whomever thinks they have the right definition*, and in the end, this is about the ambivalence and unsteadiness I feel around all these issues -- not what people who are not me do with casual encounters. Of course their expectations are relevant inasmuch as this dude is behaving according to such common patterns, but for me the labels and what they designate mean little here.

 

I'd like to see one standard definition of "casual sex" that everyone can agree upon. On one end of the spectrum, we have a drunk ONS you picked up at the bar. On the other end of the spectrum, you've got friends who hang out, talk, share life, and once in a while, get it on. And you have everything in between. Anyone who wants to lump all these shades of meaning and behavior (and emotion!) into one box, I don't see eye to eye with.

 

One person may pick a flower, smell it, and cast it aside. Another person may smell it and then write a book of poetry based on that. Person A might call Person B "overwrought". "It's JUST a flower. Sniff it, enjoy it, move on. That's what it's SUPPOSED to be." Says who?

 

All my life people have told me that I overthink things, and sometimes I do. I'm a pick-aparter, for sure. My sympathies are with you -- sometimes I hate not being simpler. But all of the feedback here has been productive, insightful, helpful, interesting, and FRESH, so I don't feel that it's too much. (A shout-out to everyone who has remained here, still following along.) I'm borderline getting to feeling sick of hearing myself talk about this, and wanting to get back to what I prefer to talk about, which is other people's stories. But I'm still getting a lot of good comments and this situation will not be completely clear until events occur some days from now. As I said, this is a self-limiting (most likely) situation -- though the chance still exists he may suggest we get together some time -- I highly doubt it, but it's not over til it's over, and I want to be prepared for any eventually in terms of the stand I take (which is still currently lacking in firmness and conviction), as this comes to a head. I even feel that once I leave, there will be an aftermath to deal with, because the stuff it raked up will not be gone even if he is.

 

I knew it would be very hard to communicate some of the less typical aspects of this story and my own version of a familiar theme. If you feel frustrated by my posts (with all due respect, I sense a bit of that in your wording, such as "analyze it to death" -- not a flattering expression), or you think my basic process here is flawed (because of the subject or content), it's probably not going to be very productive.

 

I don't feel any of this has been a waste of time. Each post/response has brought me a little bit closer to a fuller understanding -- even though at the top of my OP, I said in some ways, I feel this gives more power to him and the situation than I'd like. But it is what it is.

 

But enough of that. I definitely don't want to waste time talking about what a waste of time all my thinking/asking/analyzing is.

 

Ironically, this is probably the crux of the matter of why I can't have la-de-dah, booty call, ruh-ruh-RUH!-type NSA sex. LOL

 

I'm in my head a lot. Maybe that's just exactly what I was trying to accomplish here, with Mr. Babe. You ask, "What is it you want?" Maybe I wanted to be able to throw all my ruminations, considerations, questions, and sensitivities to the winds to lose myself in my body, like everyone else who has the "knack" of doing casual sex "right."

 

Maybe that's the one cure I haven't tried. God knows I've tried a lot of other things.

 

God also knows those are the famous last words.

[tiredofvampires]

perhaps after further evaluation? maybe after your encounter he thought differently about the age difference

 

That is entirely possible.

[tiredofvampires]

Truman, I really like the post this was taken from, but wanted to ask:

 

As for if having sex would have kept him around, probably not if he is getting it elsewhere.....me on the other hand I am coming back the next night if dinner was served.

 

So...what if the main course wasn't served, but a lot of yummy side dishes were?

 

And how would that affect the way you see her, good or bad? If at all?

[Miss Firecracker]

What I don't understand is how all this happened without a first kiss. I have had casual encounters but not like this. There really is something strange about this guy. I can surely understand how it would baffle you. He treated you as if he had paid cash for services. Someone like him doesn't deserve any of your attention. Then he called you acting sweet, then turned on you when you saw him again. He is a cold one.

[Silverbirch]

Hi TOV,

Okay, I'll just throw in a bit of my 2 cents worth. Firstly, when you mentioned the DUI, I wondered if he has a drinking problem or if that was just a once off type of thing. Might explain why he didn't bother to speak with you and at least contribute to his inconsistent behaviour.

 

The other thing is that I think you are getting too caught up in what he thinks of you and his motives. I think you should be more concerned about whether or not you liked him, could be at all bothered with him. I think you should just chalk it up to experience.

 

I'm not really good at explaining this because I think I have felt caught up on ENA before in trying to explain it, but I feel sort of peeved when I read threads inferring that guys respect us women. It's like, in this day and age, and I am no spring chicken, and LOL, read lots of Germaine Greer and the others, and I have choices, especially about sex, and if a guy doesn't respect me, that might be his problem, but not mine because I live with MY conscience, I am true to MY values, and if what is good for the goose is different to what is good for the gander then I'm from some other farmyard! LOL!

 

I was more excited to hear about the spectacular view of your future home. When you said you would so like to share that view with him, I though, "Oh, Pooh, no. . . . Out with the old, in with the new. Time for a new chapter." HUGS.

[tiredofvampires]

What I don't understand is how all this happened without a first kiss. I have had casual encounters but not like this. There really is something strange about this guy. I can surely understand how it would baffle you. He treated you as if he had paid cash for services. Someone like him doesn't deserve any of your attention. Then he called you acting sweet, then turned on you when you saw him again. He is a cold one.

 

I know, yeah?! UTTERLY STUPEFYING. MissF, that's actually something that shot through my mind at the time -- about the lack of liplock feeling like I was a "client". It sticks out in my mind as probably the worst feeling of all this. That there was a twinge of that, which I have never experienced in my life, but now could imagine more vividly.

 

People talk about prostitutes degrading themselves. I've always thought it's nearly as degrading for their johns. How can anyone enjoy such acts when the other person is not into it? To me, some things are meant to either be interactive, or else turn the whole thing into batteries, rubber, and plastic and call it a day.

 

You know what's weird about it, too? On one occasion some time before all this, we were just bantering idly in passing (I don't even remember what about, at the time), and he said out of nowhere, "I'm a gigolo!" I've heard guys joke in that (juvenile) manner before, but I remember thinking, "Huh?? How does that fit with anything we've said here?" It was a little off-center. Maybe I missed the segue, but either way, it was startling. Then he said, "Nah, just kidding." And I was like...okaaaaaaaay.......?? Of course it was a joke, but it was one of those things that irked me because it was such an uninventive playerish thing to say, it wasn't even funny. He doesn't flaunt himself this way in general, so I didn't attach too much significance to it, but later it felt eerily fitting.

 

When we went to my room on the first night, as a prelude, we stepped out onto the balcony, which under any other circumstances would have set the stage perfectly for a kiss: there was a stream of cool night air and the moon beyond. (Heh, I even had the thought, "What a waste of a perfect romantic op.") I turned to look at it over the railing, and he pressed up in back of me, pushing his pelvis strongly into me so I could feel his hard-on. Continuing with being very clearly the pursuer, the "aggressor", in this. I said a bit bemusedly, "Hm, this would be quite the send-off."

 

All I wanted to do at that moment was kiss him. I've said it before on this forum, but that's the thing about intimacy I miss the most -- being kissed and swept away in a moment of shared breath and rising intensity. He has the shoulders for reaching around, the back for gripping. And his lips! He's got the most perfect, pouty lips. The way some people just want to get off, I just wanted to feel those lips on mine. I wasn't attaching anything more to it than wanting to love on them.

 

And I didn't get to do that because he kept averting his face slightly, even when I turned around to face him. It was all about suggestive brushes with his face against me, and me feeling like I was trying to get an "in." I've always built up this way to a kiss...only with him, he kept dodging it. I don't think I had bad breath or anything else funky going on like that, because I think that would have deterred him altogether from getting so close to my face.

 

When we were horizontal and skin to skin, I was lying on top of him and while he was placing my hands over his organ, I finally whispered, "kiss me", and got over his face. I started to kiss him, but it was all my initiative. He certainly had it in him to kiss wonderfully, I could tell that, because the effort he made, while weak and apathetic, had all the qualities I'd like in a kiss if it was going further. But there was this voice-over going in my head saying, "You're begging. You're a beggar. Stop." Once you have to ask for a kiss, it's lost its whole raison d'etre. BUZZZZKILLLLL.

 

I CRINGE thinking about that scene, and I think I'm going to be cringing for a while over it. I made a few attempts to kiss his face after that introductory rebuff, but the second night I stayed the hell away from it altogether. Both nights, he covered his face with his arm afterwards, as if barricading himself off. And I lay there looking at his lips in profile, next to him, thinking, "This is what escorts must do." I actually think I was so dumbfounded, it wasn't registering on me completely. It was the kind of thing where you're just unable to fit the pieces together and lost in a fog because it makes no sense. I guess you could say I was incredulous about it.

 

Some people on this thread have chastised me for seeking something emotional in the kissing and caressing. And I've given this a lot of thought. Of course, I think that a kiss is intimate and expressive -- that's why prostitutes don't do it. It's certainly the glue of romantic physical affection. But I think the wanting to kiss him, and be kissed back and the way I felt the whole time when I was all over him, is that I was simply appreciating the life and vitality in my midst. Perhaps it's a poetic thing for me, but I think being in the midst of something beautiful and natural inspires in me a feeling of love. It may not even be a personal love, as in, "I love you, honey." It's more a universal love and lust for this marvelous material world that presents. The artist in me falls in love with each thing I am trying to capture in its special way. I've held my arms around trees, and kissed their bark. They obviously have even less to say than a human being, in terms of language we can share. Or arms that will reciprocate. But I can love the life flowing through them and exalt in that resonance.

 

This was the same thing, what was arising within me. The good thing about a human, a man, though, is that I can make it known to them on a conscious level that I am feeling this reverence. My kisses, my caresses can be received with a conscious mind that can know it is being loved and appreciated. I'm talking about a love that is far bigger than romantic love, it's a love of what exists and I can perceive. So unlike the tree, there can be more of a palpable exchange of that. Which was what I was reaching out for, with touch. The floodgates were just thrust open, and even his lack of response didn't blunt that force enough.

 

Is it so crazy to have NSA love? Why do we always talk about NSA sex? NSA love is where it's at. And I just wanted to BE WITH IT.

 

(Ah, I guess the '60's are long over.)

 

 

No-strings-attached Creation-worship. Doesn't go over well for gettin' some respect though, does it? Unless you're with someone who is similarly attuned, in which case it wouldn't be this type of dynamic to begin. This really wasn't NSA sex. It was NHA sex. No-Heart-Attached sex.

 

MissF, the last twist with his barely even uttering a syllable to me after we arranged to talk about the letter -- making me feel foolish -- is probably the nail in the coffin here, actually.

 

After all this, my feeling about THAT -- even though it isn't directly related to this sex stuff -- somehow speaks volumes to me. Sometimes it's the little things, the peripheral things, that become the dealbreakers.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is it so crazy to have NSA love? Why do we always talk about NSA sex? NSA love is where it's at. And I just wanted to BE WITH IT.

 

(Ah, I guess the '60's are long over.)

 

The sixties was about sex not love. "Make love" was just the nicer way of saying "having sex". The whole free love thing of the sixties where everyone was doing it with everyone else....that was sex, not love. Remember the Crosby Stills and Nash song "Love the one you're with".....if you can't be with the one you love honey love the one you're with"......."Turn your heartache right into joy Cause she's a girl and you're a boy Get it together come on make it nice You ain't gonna need anymore advice." The song wouldn't flow as nicely if the lyrics said "have sex with the one you're with" so the word love is used instead of the word "sex" but the song is clearly not about love at all..it is about sex.

 

As for the encounter you had...you may not think of it as casual sex..but certainly this guy did..that is all this guy thought of it as and he made that very clear from the first time pushing his pelvis into you like that. Again I will say it is like people who ignore the signs in an FWB, are seeing it as more even though the evidence is very plain by the way the other person is behaving that it is just a sex thing. This guy actually sounds very moody and flighty. He may actually have tender feelings for that other girl but in the end he is not with her so who knows what problems she has had with him as well which has resulted in them not being able to make a go of things. The issue is not with you it is with him.

[truman2017]

Truman, I really like the post this was taken from, but wanted to ask:

 

 

 

So...what if the main course wasn't served, but a lot of yummy side dishes were?

 

And how would that affect the way you see her, good or bad? If at all?

 

IfI was into the woman I would think "she is saving herself for a special person, and I could be that person if I treat her right"....If I wasn't interested in persuing the lady i might just think "she chickened out, I am not going to bother to try to recapture a moment that may never happen.".......can't help thinking about Thanksgiving and all the yummy side dishes Mom will serve lol

[lavenderdove]

There is a Pulitzer Prize winning book written by Normal Mailer called 'The Executioner's Song' which was written about a man who killed several people during robberies and was executed at a time when there weren't many death penalties. The crimes caught the nation's attention because they seemed so senseless, to shoot people who were not threatening him or fighting him over a few dollars.

 

There is a quote from the book that has always stuck with me for some reason because it struck a cord. When the criminal was asked, 'why would you do these crimes and shoot these people when it wasn't necessary?,' his response was, 'I wasn't thinking, I was just doing...'

 

When you are a thoughtful and imaginative person as you are TOV, you can make the mistake of assuming that everyone's actions are well thought out, considered, and always 'mean' something. But everyone does things sometimes without thinking them thru first, on impulse, because they have been drinking and are NOT thinking, because they are bored, because they are selfish and it goes on and on all the reasons why people don't always stop and think things thru, and sometimes there is very little motivation/thought put into things at all, especially when drinking is involved and lowers inhibitions that control drives like sex and hunger and anger and rational thought etc.

 

So this is a guy in his mid-20s who thinks it is a good way to spend his time to spend it in the gym in narcissistic pursuits of looking good (not condemning him, but his choice and should tell you something about him). And he's a bartender, a drinker, an irresponsible driver etc. etc. So he's a mid-20s guy who is just floating along at this point in his life and most likely spends a lot of his time 'doing rather than thinking'.

 

So you come home some night and perhaps he has had a few drinks and he spies the curve of your boob under a shirt, and then he's rubbing your neck and then you're in the bedroom. He's not thinking, he's DOING. He may have always liked you very well as a friend, and really enjoy have his penis sucked, but then once he's had that orgasm and sobered a bit, THEN he starts thinking.

 

And he tells himself, oh my god, this women is my friend, old enough to be my mother, and what was i thinking because i don't want a relationship with her and here i am in bed and she lives in the same house with me and i don't want to hurt her feelings but i didn't mean for this to happen or for her to expect anything.. so he panics and runs out of the room. THAT is when he started thinking, when he ran from the room, not when he saw the curve of your boob. So it really sounds like it was just an impulsive thing, and when he has been drinking and his inhibitions lowered, he STOPS thinking with his head and his lower brain that says 'I NEED SEX' takes over and you're there and convenient at the time.

 

I think he is VERY conflicted about what happened... probably valued your friendship a lot, but his 'little head' took over for his bigger head and he stopped thinking. Then when he stops to think about it and goes, wait a minute, is this a good idea, will she take this seriously and expect more from me when I'm not interested in that at all and was happy just being friends?

 

So i don't think this is about lack of respect or romance or anything like that at all.. i think it is a case of a horny young man having a moment or two of NOT thinking, and when he sobers up he realizes that you might expect something of him and he's gotten himself into a situation where he never intended to be in the first place.

 

And his GF from high school? She was never your 'competition' nor was the situation ever equal there. The fact that he can and did treat her far differently than you just shows you that romance was never on his mind when it came to you. It isn't that he 'disrespected' you, it is that he was your friend and that lapsed into some sexual encounters when he wasn't thinking, and now he is probably a bit embarassed and awkward and doesn't know quite what to do about it because he lives with you and doesn't want you to have any expectations of him because he never intended it to be a romance. He may really like you and respect you, but it has become VERY awkward because he can tell you are thinking about this far more and far more deeply than he did, and it has a lot of meaning to you and none to him other than he was doing rather than thinking when he had a horny moment.

 

You should be proud and flattered that he found you attractive enough to have those impulses towards. Not many women have the opportunity to sleep with someone 20 years younger, so it proves you've still 'got it' sexually. And you must have been good enough in bed or he wouldn't have come around for round two. So feel good about that, but see this for what it is, which was him 'doing' and not thinking, and now it is awkward and weird because you were friends, you are old enough to be his mother, he wants to respect you, but in his mid-20s doesn't quite know how to handle this situation.

 

An older more experienced man would not run from the room, he'd say, 'you know, that was great, but how did that happen and what were we thinking? I find you attractive but don't feel a relationship with you would ever work out, so thanks so much for the great time, but let's just keep it at friends and take this for what it was, a great time but we don't have enough in common to take this any further...' But he's a young bodybuilding bartender in his 20s! Don't expect a lot of deep insight into the working of women's minds or life from him. He's a work in progress at this point, and doing and not thinking!

 

So you shouldn't feel bad about him, but also shouldn't expect anything from him or even feel bad about him or yourself over it... it just happened, it was fun and happened in a moment of not much thought from either of you, and you can wear the tee-shirt that says, 'i've still got it, I did it with an awesomely handsome guy in his 20s!'

 

And take it as a sign that you do still have it, and are still interested in sex in romance, so devote some more time to trying to find men who are more appropriate and more equal to you date and spend time with. If you had more of a social life and spent time cultivating that, you wouldn't have taken this so seriously and could just laugh it off rather than taking it as a blow to your ego in some way. I honestly don't think he ever meant any harm by this, and i don't think he disrespects you or intended to use you, i think it just happened because of the circumstances at the time, and he did have a high testosterone moment when his inhibitions were down, so there you are!

 

He would probably be very relieved if you just said to him, you know, we were great friends and gee this is awkward! Let's just take it for what it was, a couple of fun evenings, and forget about it and let bygones be bygones. I htink he was very happy when you left the note for him because you were showing him you weren't mad and going back to friendly topics, but then he sees you and panics again thinking, uh oh, what if she is mad and blasts me or expects me to date her or has an emotional scene over this?

 

He's not acting like a man who is disrespecting you and needs to be 'taught a lesson by you', he is acting like a young man where his testosterone took over for awhile and now he is embarassed and sheepish and doesn't quite know how to handle it because he DID like you as a friend but doesn't want you to expect more from him or to have to deal with an emotional scene if you are angry with him. So he alternates between trying to be friendly and panicking because he is not emotionally equipped to handle the mess he got himself into by acting impulsively rather than thoughtfully.

[truman2017]

as for the title of the thread--as an old baseball player I remember a curve ball is a pitch you see coming but are fooled by the pitch, so you swing and miss. The pitch you neversee coming is the fast ball the sails and hits you in the head.....