How Do You Feel Today?

[The Bozz]

I'm angry and tired. Angry at her, of course. I'm also hungry, but I just can't be bothered to get up and go grab lunch... I'd rather work.

[Centi]

Been wondering a lot these past few days if it would have been better to just abandon my stuff (to friends), pay off my debt, and just go back home.

[JohnGalt]

I feel terrible. First, I feel like this isn't right. The breakup isn't the right thing. Second, I feel as if she's going to come back. It is just a gut feeling, but my gut is usually right. Third, I don't know what I would do if she did come back, but even that is a moot point because she has not come back yet.

 

We haven't spoken since last Thursday. Six days. Big woop. Tomorrow will be two months since the BU. She's still single.

 

Here's the problem - I cannot seem to keep her blocked on Gchat. I'm always unblocking her and just looking at her name. She's green, I'm green...why isn't she chatting me? Then when she does chat me, we talk for hours but nothing gets solved. Just square one.

 

But the main reason I feel bad is because my dreams are killing me. It used to be my dreams would be about us still being together and having fun. I would wake up and realize she isn't there. Painful. Now my dreams are about me trying to get her back and her rejecting me. OMG. Can I not even get solace in my rest?

 

I really have to go no contact for my own sanity - though it is through periods of no contact where I feel the most pain and the most alone.

[eastonweston]

though it is through periods of no contact where I feel the most pain and the most alone.

 

You're just being propped up on false highs. The mild periods of contact are just keeping you floating, and you may crash even harder a little down the line...

[JohnGalt]

You're just being propped up on false highs. The mild periods of contact are just keeping you floating, and you may crash even harder a little down the line...

 

It is true but I see progress everytime we talk.

 

First she told me I was bad in bed and we had no sexual chemistry and she was no longer attracted to me (bull****).

 

Then it became about law school and pressure.

 

Then the real reason came out about something I lied to her about over the summer and she lost trust. I know that is what the real reason is because since that happened, our relationship hasn't been the same. Law School just gave her the push and social network she needed to end it.

 

So after 1.5 months, I got the truth about why. Now about how she feels. First she wouldn't talk to me. Then she would tell me hope for the future. Now she tells me about how difficult it is for her andhow she doesn't want to lead me on, but doesn't know what she wants.

 

lol, women.

 

Basically, I'm trying trying trying to do this No Contact thing, but obviously not very disciplined because I respond to her contact and even put myself in a position to be contacted by her. At the same time, I'm dating other girls and praying to God one of them won't be so insipid and can at least serve as a temprorary replacement.

 

But yeah, I'm good . . . working out, drinking, talking with friends, going to sporting events, talking to girls, going to work. . . the whole 9. Just gotta get the courage to completely let go and let NO CONTACT do what it does whether it be push her way or bring her to me.

[eastonweston]

Exactly - the reasons I've been given for the breakup vary every time we talk. Either there were a LOT of reasons, or she doesn't even really know herself.

 

It does sound like you're slowly making progress. Who knows, maybe NIC is your best bet; step back and have some space, but continue to keep a thin string between the two of you.

 

Although as you already know, you could just be being used as a backup plan or as a security blanket for her. But you know all of that.

[JohnGalt]

How you holding up, buddy?

[Matt0531]

Today I feel like a failure, My marriage of 9yrs is over, im seperated with 2 kids 8/6 im 65lbs over weight which is why she probably cheated again, although she says differently, and I cannot get over how easy it is for her. Im taking karate twice a week and eating right and working out every morning but I dont see it coming off fast enough. It has been only a couple months since i moved out as she said she wasnt happy, but i wish my self confidence would come back. I think she has someone so that makes it worse. I keep NC only texting and e-mail if it has to do with my boys. I know it will pass and when im back in shape I will be much happier. Holidays are rough this just sucks.

[The Bozz]

I'm crashing very hard right now. I'm so confused. How could she change so much so fast? Where did that sweet, tender, assertive girl go? I really feel I'll never find someone like her again, and she just disappeared. Why did she avoid talking about our relationship, especially if she knew we both were unhappy with how things were turning out? I could deal with it better if we had a clean and honest breakup from the beginning. But this... I just don't get it.

 

I can't bear with it, I'm about to break down right now. I miss her so much. I feel empty.

[pettypink]

Absolutely terrible - He's going on vacation with family friends and this girl who liked him (and kissed him before we were together!) is a part of that family. I just feel like something is going to happen between them and I can't stop picturing it and it's killing me. He had always told me how it would kill him to see me with someone else (and his worst fear came true when we were broken up and I kissed another boy). I never really understood his feelings until now. Holy, I feel so SO SO SO much guilt and pain. I feel like throwing up.

 

TheBozz - Ride it out, it'll be over soon. Watch a funny tv show (or a sad one if you want to let it all out) or talk to a friend.

[chamachama]

First off, she would not say that you have no chemistry if that wasn't the actual case. And guess what? If there is no chemistry, you are not good in bed....and neither is she. The other BS about you losing her trust is exactly that--> BS I know you would LOVE to believe that there is still something there with this girl john but there simply is nothing....nada.

 

Dude, stop with this girl and move on for real. I can't believe she had the audacity to tell you that you're bad in bed. She is one piece of work. If a girl said that to me she would be out of my life so fast it would make her head spin.

 

Don't feel bad about it man, its probably not you because like I said, no chemistry = crappy sex = not your fault. To be honest, it looks as though she finally told you the truth for a moment (no chemistry) then took it back. So do not fool yourself into believing she said that to cover up some BS about trust. No way man. She realized how much of a B she was being then tried to make you feel better about it by feeding you the trust BS. At least that's my first thought. My second thought is that she is basically spelling it out for you man. She doesn't want to be with you but she is still being a coward.

 

Ditch this girl she isn't worth it man... Trust me.

[JohnGalt]

I trust you. I know it is over. I know that it'll never be the same. Even my parents, who love her, say find someone else. I know that she's no good. But I'm ****ed up right now. It is like I'm on drugs or something. I know I shouldn't smoke that crack, but when it gets in my head . . . its like a craving. I just need a fix - anything.

 

I am still infatuated with her. Her beauty. Never dates someone so gorgeous before. The other stuff, I could take it or leave it.

[chamachama]

I trust you. I know it is over. I know that it'll never be the same. Even my parents, who love her, say find someone else. I know that she's no good. But I'm ****ed up right now. It is like I'm on drugs or something. I know I shouldn't smoke that crack, but when it gets in my head . . . its like a craving. I just need a fix - anything.

 

I am still infatuated with her. Her beauty. Never dates someone so gorgeous before. The other stuff, I could take it or leave it.

 

Now this is something I can totally understand man. I am so sorry. Its tough I know. And I wish I could tell you that you will no doubt 100% be over her completely one day. But I really can't tell you that. What I can tell you is that you need to be a man and bury that stuff deep and continue to move forward.

 

Its like survival. If you're attacked you never stop moving you never stop trying to survive even if you get hurt very badly....you continue to move and punch and bite and kick and everything you have for as long as it takes to survive.... Same thing here. This **** hurts because all we see are flashes of the things that we loved.

 

Man I remember the last time I hugged her in my apartment. I must have known deep inside that it would be the last time she would be in there because I hugged her so tight and for so long and I remember feeling so calm and content and (cough) in love... I remember her amazing a$$ and every inch of her body. I remember her smell...her taste... He she looked up at me with these eyes that could stop your heart from pumping for a moment or two..

 

What I don't remember during these flashes is the way she made me feel insecure. The way she took it for granted that I saw things the way she did (whether right or wrong). The way she continued a friendly relationships with men from her past who were once intimate with her (one that she spoke about to me and regarded as one of her best sexual partners after me)that I never was introduced to, yet was expected to always feel confident and secure in our relationship. It was a lot to swallow even though I am sure she never strayed. Though now that its been months and I've had a chance to think about what happened, she did not like to shut doors for a reason I am sure. The way she always kept things so secrete. The ways she held me at arms length... The way she told me she would always be there for me but in the end she disappeared..

 

You see? These feelings of love and lust are there for sure...but they tend to overshadow the real reasons why things simply did not work out in the first place. I bet you can write a laundry list of things you know she has done to you that you felt were less than acceptable.... How about you do exactly that John? In a post.... try it, it might really help...

[Teebz]

Felt great today. I had lunch with my dad, his girlfriend and my brother. It was really nice because I don't really see my dad that much. Now I'm home and feel nervous, and angry. I had a good cry and did a little ritual where I spit water into the sink, as if I was spitting out all this anger and hurt that I suffered (kind of weird I know but somehow it feels like a relief). I'm just hoping I can continue to be strong, although I know that there are rough patches still ahead.

 

Love and hugs to everyone here!

[C_Unknown2005]

Long day at work,

 

Getting tired of some co-workers bs and how the company operates. Tired, would love to just workout and go to bed... Hate being the last one to leave every night.

[mescal64]

Today is my 2 month anniversary of the the break after a five year relationship. I fell for the " I don't know what I want " thing and let it drag on, increasing the pain. She was seeing someone, guess she kinda knew what she wanted. I've been NC for two and a half weeks. Today was a tough one. Lots of thoughts and memories. Even a good crying jag.Thought I was getting better, but today felt like a step back. I have started to exercise again and am eating better. Seems to help. Hoping today was just a blip, but I am not looking forward to the holidays.

[Tinkie9901]

Bit down this morning... feeling lonely, even though I am in contact with people on a daily basis. And even though its only been 22 days, and I've made big positive changes in my life, I still feel like I am not healing fast enough.

[chamachama]

Btw I am not saying that its a good plan to bury your feelings. I am saying that its ok to feel hurt but you need to do the right things for yourself and move forward without creating more damage than has already occurred.

[SheWearsRed]

I just want this pain to go away... Why I have to feel so miserable and broken while he for sure doesn't even remember of me!!!

[RikkieM]

38 days NC. Haven't been sleeping well. Haven't cried in a few days. Hasn't been on my mind all day everyday. Woke up this morning, missing her. It's a backwards forwards thing. Get that. Can only wish it never happened between us but its changing the person I am (life experience). So ye... Just really crappy today!

[Limiya]

I'm very tired today. Sleepy. Normally this sets me back a lot, because i feel more emotional about everything. And even though i woke up thinking of him this morning, it hasn't progressed, and i'm at work as normal. Bonus i guess.

 

Limiya x

[Tinkie9901]

Time for bed, hopefully I can stop thinking about you long enough to drift off to sleep. I'm in a better place than the days before... there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. The pain is still there, but I can feel it easing ever so slightly, and that is enough to make me feel better.

[clochard]

We had christmas party from work yesterday and some colleague told me that now there is no reason anymore to stay in the country, as i stayed mainly because of the ex-boyfriend. I live in Ireland, and i am German, so economically the decision never made sense as there are good jobs in Germany and a bad recession in Ireland. It really hit me and i feel sooo down and dark today, as if i am a survivor of a long war, but i lost it.

[chamachama]

While I without a doubt miss her from time to time like I did yesterday, they are much less frequent and I recover much much faster now. Today I woke up thinking that even if she contacted me, I am not so sure I would want to jump into anything with her besides being friendly again. I don't ever want to feel like I did the last few months again (although that is not really of my control and breakups happen). I might still love her, but my instinct for survival and pain avoidance is very strong and while the notion of us doing what we did best is very appealing to me, I am pretty sure I would not get mixed with her again like that. She would really have to build a strong case for us to be anything other than friends again (which I am pretty sure she would love to be friends with me but I wont be the one to initiate contact thats for sure lol) and I would need to feel good about the notion of "us". And that simply is not going to happen as she is way too proud and stubborn and set in her ways to put forth such an effort. And even being friends with her would take some real consideration.

 

Sooo yea.... She is part of my past and for all I know she is very happy with who ever she is with right now and I completely accept that. I don't think love for someone simply dies. I think that I might always love her. But I have let her go at this point and I am cool with that. Meh... I hope she is happy and smiling somewhere. I am sure she is, she has so many great things in her life. And I do too=)

[Chalk]

Feeling sad and thinky. Keep pitting myself under pressure not to be and carry on. Wish I didn't do this sometimes and was just able to be sad.

 

Keeping occupied during general unemployment. Making a chocolate log for the family...let's hope it's not a pile of crap, hoho!

 

Feeling a bit unsure of what should be happening and lost. Hmpf.