Overheard Conversation Comparing Former Lover and Myself, Advice Perspective Pl

[needhelp6]

You list your looks, job, status and other things as if it should automatically qualify you to be awesome in bed. Just based on the law of averages, there are a LOT of lovers who are just "okay".

Paint, thank you for your comment. I only listed this to point out the fact that I do have options with other women and that taking advantage of one of these options was going through my mind. I simply meant I'm not bad looking and lets be honest, status and finances do bring additional opportunities, trust me, do I think many of these opportunities would present themselves to myself if I was just not bad looking? Not on my life. Also to point out the fact that I've never taken advantage of these opportunities due to the fact that I am committed to this relationship and love this woman very much. It does come off a bit arrogant though and for that I apologize, that was not my intent.

 

Also, for the record, my SO has asked about this and I've been honest with her. It was interesting, she had pinpointed a couple of the women at the office without me saying a word. Speaking of office, this is another issue, this has become a major distraction for me at work, cannot seem to focus.

[xxdaisyxx]

I am going to be blunt.

 

I have been with 15 guys in my life, and I have only had mind blowing sex with one person. For me, it is not exactly the things they did to me or how big his penis was. It was the connection. I can't really explain it. I guess every time we made love we were on cloud nine. It was a deep connection I know I will never feel again.

 

With that said. I'm so in love with my current boyfriend. I would not trade him for the world. The sex is OK. I orgasm every time. The thing is though i am with HIM because I love him.

 

I'm sure what you heard really hurt your feelings. I don't blame you for that, however it was a private conversation not for your ears. She has been with you for 10 years because she loves YOU. You may not be THE perfect lover, and that is okay. It truly is a rare thing. Maybe try new positions and fun games and try and spark up your sex life.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I can see both sides of it. Your ego is obviously hurt -- evidenced by the rant about how you have made others orgasm -- and I can understand why. "Ted thinks he's good." Ouch.

 

But, I think she values the financial security and loyalty she gets from you more than sex. That's why she is there and is in love. Granted it doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy sex, it just means it's not THE BEST EVER. Many would rather have good sex with a reliable partner than great sex with an unreliable one.

 

The unfortunate thing here is that you listened to her conversation.

 

I would suggest counselling if you want to save the relationship.

[Lily McFly]

You can't unhear what you heard and she didn't try to deny it. Still...so what? Ya'll have sex, you say she gets satisfied, so let it go. Who cares about the guy in the past? Do you believe she wants to be with that guy, based on their incredible sex together? You haven't heard his side of it, maybe sex with her was forgettable...who knows, who cares. If this is going to keep bothering you to the point of breaking up the relationship, then logically it will have to follow that if you want a committed relationship with a different woman than who you're with now, then have them let you know if you're the best in bed they've ever had. This is just going to have to be something you figure out from the intellect, not your emotions or any body part...I don't think she should be blamed because you decided to listen in on her conversation. She can't be blamed if she PERCEIVES that there is this one guy from her past who she felt was her sexual soulmate. Time and distance can lend an aura to an experience that wasn't there during the experience, but who knows. Let it go. You really have no other choice. It's not like you've been a dud in bed, at least, according to what you relayed here, and you attract women. Feel sorry for the guy that doesn't attract the women and doesn't have the extensive sexual exploits you do. You can get past this if your relationship with your SO isn't based solely on sex. If it is, then, I guess, kiss it goodbye and on to meeting someone else.

[needhelp6]

One quick item that I guess I'm not communicating well. I do not feel that I need to be the best in bed she's ever had. I feel and understand that this is for the most part statistically impossible and I get that, it's never been a hang-up with me nor is it now. When it comes to the former lover conversation, I'm just trying to get out of my head what I heard her describe that he would do to her and how it would make her feel. I understand this information wasn't for me and was presented to a different audience. I'm not expecting to be the best lover she ever had, in-fact, prior to having this information, if someone would have asked me if I thought I was the best lover she'd ever had I would have said probably not and been OK with that. Same philosophy on penis size, do I think I'm the largest she's ever had, no, do I care, no? I've never been hung-up on this sort of things, I'm a realist.

[EQIQ]

I cannot believe that people are excusing her behaviour and somehow blaming you for it. Very, very strange. I cannot fathom the reason why anyone would do that.

 

Jeez - talk about blaming the victim.

 

Some things in a marriage or relationship should remain totally private. That someone wouldn't understand that is so foreign to me.

 

I agree 100%.

 

Just reading, and seeing that this is how many if not most of you women think about it, makes me wonder if my gf would think of it the same way (that sharing this type of information is okay). Thankfully, with respects to this, we are both virgins.

 

I think you girls are not seeing the other side of the coin... if your SO said that he liked his past gf's ass, or boobs, or oral sex, or w/e else better than what he currently has. That you are "okay", you think you are great... but really ain't. You are just okay. That wouldn't hurt you? If you SO said that to one of his guy friends?

 

I would be very hurt over this, and like DN said, would have a VERY hard time being open about my emotions, or anything else for that matter with my SO after an incident like this. It would totally kill my trust, and intimacy.

[EQIQ]

I think discussing details of sex with a past lover, and how you enjoyed it... is just so disrespectful.

[DN]

I think discussing details of sex with a past lover' date=' and how you enjoyed it... is just so disrespectful.[/quote']It is when you are comparing that lover to a current partner to someone in the family.

[Ms Darcy]

I just need clarification -

 

What is your biggest issue?

 

Not feeling good enough in bed? That she talked about her past sex life with someone? That she mentioned you? That she had someone else who was 'better' for her sexually?

[needhelp6]

I just need clarification -

 

What is your biggest issue?

 

Not feeling good enough in bed? That she talked about her past sex life with someone? That she mentioned you? That she had someone else who was 'better' for her sexually?

 

I'll try to summarize and be brief, I have several feelings but I believe these are the main and in order:

1) The fact that she shared this level of information with this person and disparaged me to make her point. As far as I'm concerned there was no need to bring me into this conversation, if she wants to talk about how great a former lover was, to a girlfriend, I get that women talk and I'm OK with that. As I've said, I don't expect that I'm the best she's ever had, this is not reality. My point is the entire conversation could have happened without mentioning my name, comparing me, how I was in bed or how I thought I was in bed, and it would have had the same end result. 1 b) what other information has she shared and is floating around out there. I did ask and she claimed this was the "only time I've ever discussed anything private regarding us."

 

I've been a good partner to her, she's been very good to me, we have a child together, I don't get it, I could see if I was a cheater, a drunk, an abuser etc. Prior to this she even said, "your the best thing that's ever happened to me" if that's the case why on earth would you bring me into a conversation like this. I've had guy talk, I've even had associates who after a few drinks have crossed the line and asked personal questions about her and myself. I've never once shared personal information, even when the information would be great and bragging. That's our personal business, period.

 

2) How do I get out of my mind what she described this guy doing to her and how it made her feel. Trust me, I know she's wasn't a virgin when we met and other guys had touched her in intimate ways, I get that. I also own the fact that if I hadn't listened to the conversation I wouldn't have this **** running through my head; unfortunately what's done is done. It was interesting, I spent some time on Google looking for the most appropriate and active forum to post this and I was amazed by how many guys actually get off on hearing this type of information and detail. Not me.

 

3) When we're together questioning myself and how I'm making love to her. I don't expect to be her best but I expect to be better than she described. While I listed this third I think this is the one that will mess with my head the most long term. I'm a very confident person in everything I do, I fear this will drive me crazy.

 

4) When I was questioning her about this guy why did she feel the need to "protect" him, at least that's the feeling I got. BTW, I don't even know if "protect" is the right word, it's just the feeling I had.

 

The rest of the feelings are minor I suppose. Looking forward to analysis of my answers.

[pl3asehelp]

I think this totally misses the mark. Maybe she does love him and love having sex with him, I don't think we can say anything about that based on the overheard phone conversation. But, I don't think that's even relevant. The problems are 1) she's sharing details the OP is upset about. It's neither right or wrong by itself, but if OP doesn't like it, that's all that matters. I wouldn't like it myself. 2) She's been lying to the OP about how much she enjoys sex with him. The second part is enormous and likely impossible to get over.

 

Plus, I certainly don't tell every lover I've had they're the best. I only tell that to the person I think is the best lover I've had. It's exactly this mindset - that this lie is ok - that is a significant part of the problem here.

 

I don't see how the OP could ever enjoy sex with her again. I couldn't. I'd feel like I'm being used for my money and the fact that I'm responsible and can provide a decent life for a family and she's just compromising on the sex.

[drummergirl]

It could be a lot of what she said was just "girl chat" and not a true indication of how content she is with you.

 

I disagree. I think she's way more likely to be honest about her true feelings during "girl chat" time than with OP. More than likely that was exactly how she felt about things as she had no reason to just lie and say that to her friends. If my dude was awesome in bed and I was trying to reassure a gf who just got over a break-up, I'd be like, "I so know how you feel. I used to feel like that about X, but then I met Y and now I don't miss X anymore..." But that isn't what this girl said at all. And she has every reason to lie to him about it as he supports her and pays for all of her stuff.

 

It's unfortunate that he heard how she really feels. But personally.... if my lover said I was 'alright', yeah, I would take that pretty hard. Should you really be sexually monogamous your whole life to somebody who thinks you're 'alright'? I would want my partner to think I was great, to know that he was crazy attracted to me. I would not feel sexy or desired in bed if I heard him explain how his previous partner was awesome and I was 'alright'. But wait... it's ok because he's with me for my money and enjoys the stability I offer him?!?

 

Should he really suck it up and be happy that she is in his bed every night because he supports her financially?

[Unreasonable]

Man, I don't really know how I'd react to this because my wife and I were both virgins when we got married (thank god). But my first reaction to what she said was "Oh, SNAP!"

 

So, I have no direct experience in that particular area, but I know my wife has talked **** about me and our marriage from time to time. Sometimes even to other men. So I can relate to you there.

 

All I can say is I would I would take some solace in the fact that it was a family member. If there is any confidant you ought to be able to say anything to, it's family (aside from yourself, and I do think people need confidants other than their spouse) . If there was somebody I would definitely NOT want to hear behind closed doors, it's a conversation between my wife and her mother or sisters. But yeah, you didn't know, and that's water under the bridge.

 

You seem like a very confident guy. I think honestly that's why this has affected you so much. The taller your pedestal, the farther you can fall, so to speak. I only say that because of your keen interest in knowing about this guy's relative status to yours.

 

I do think people have a tendency to exaggerate, embellish, and sometimes flat out lie, when trying to relate to console other people that are going through a tough time. Sometimes they can't stop until THEIR story sounds worse than the person whining, just so they can be more relatable, or make the other person not feel so bad about themselves, or just to shut them up! (Oh, YEAH?? Well....). I'd like to chalk this up to "stupid **** my wife says" and just let it go, but I can see how that'd be tough.

 

Please don't use this as a reason to cheat though. As ****ty as that was, there is no excuse for cheating.

[nutbrownhare]

I'd regard this as such a monumental betrayal I don't think I'd get it together again with a partner. Yes, you can rationalise, she didn't mean it, there's more to the relationship than sex (ironically it's not unusual to have brilliant sex in a terrible relationship), but I'm putting myself in the situation of the OP and, yes, it must have ripped your guts out. I will happily talk about sex, including some very intimate details, in general terms. But sharing such very intimate specifics about a particular person is just, well, beyond the pale. It's something I couldn't do to a partner, and I'd be absolutely LIVID if someone did that to me.

 

My advice to you is not to do anything irrevocable while your feelings are still so raw. Continue to sleep apart if that's what you need to do. Then, when the - totally understandable - emotions have subsided, ask yourself whether there's enough good in this relationship for you to want to continue with it, and get some counselling. Or, whether you are giving far more than you are getting and would be better off with someone who truly appreciates you.

[pinkelephant]

I cannot believe that people are excusing her behaviour and somehow blaming you for it. Very, very strange. I cannot fathom the reason why anyone would do that.

 

Jeez - talk about blaming the victim.

 

Some things in a marriage or relationship should remain totally private. That someone wouldn't understand that is so foreign to me.

 

Some things definitely should be, I agree. But we do go on this site to tell others about private matters, right? Is that betrayal? Where's this line between "ok to tell others" and "not okay to tell others"? My point is people (i think girls do more than guys) talk and that the line IS somewhere, but it should be defined by the couple. He is clearly upset, but does she know that she shouldn't talk about these things? To some people, sex is just sex... She was consoling someone, she wasn't just gossiping for the sake of it.

 

 

 

I do think people have a tendency to exaggerate, embellish, and sometimes flat out lie, when trying to relate to console other people that are going through a tough time. Sometimes they can't stop until THEIR story sounds worse than the person whining, just so they can be more relatable, or make the other person not feel so bad about themselves, or just to shut them up! (Oh, YEAH?? Well....). I'd like to chalk this up to "stupid **** my wife says" and just let it go, but I can see how that'd be tough.

 

I also agree with this. Your wife was consoling someone, some people say outlandish things just to make the other person feel better.

[pinkelephant]

It is when you are comparing that lover to a current partner to someone in the family.

 

That's an assumption, isn't it? He could only hear her side of the conversation. WHat if it's the person on the phone who asked, which seems likely to me...

[DN]

Some things definitely should be, I agree. But we do go on this site to tell others about private matters, right? Is that betrayal? Where's this line between "ok to tell others" and "not okay to tell others"? My point is people (i think girls do more than guys) talk and that the line IS somewhere, but it should be defined by the couple. He is clearly upset, but does she know that she shouldn't talk about these things? To some people, sex is just sex... She was consoling someone, she wasn't just gossiping for the sake of it.

Of course she should know. Unless someone explicitly says "I don't care what intimate stuff about our relationship you tell other people" partners should keep their mouths shut. It's not rocket science to know that most people don't want private stuff made public. So, yes, of course it's betrayal. Other than cheating, it's the worst sort of betrayal because if you can't trust a partner to keep confidential stuff confidential, you can't trust anyone.

 

Saying that women do this is a cop-out IMO. Some may, but it doesn't make it right. Like I said - this is why many men won't open up to their partners - they read threads like this and realise that whatever they confide in a partner is going to be made public.

 

The idea that someone has to be proactive and say to their partner "don't talk about confidential matters, or you can talk about this but not that" is ludicrous in my opinion. If in doubt, keep the lips zipped. And that doubt means basically anything private.

[DN]

That's an assumption, isn't it? He could only hear her side of the conversation. WHat if it's the person on the phone who asked, which seems likely to me...

So what - she didn't have to answer.

[pinkelephant]

So what - she didn't have to answer.

 

So she wasn't proactively comparing, she was just consoling someone and ended up going overboard.

[DN]

So she wasn't proactively comparing, she was just consoling someone and ended up going overboard.

So that makes it OK?

 

I don't think so.

[pinkelephant]

Ok, sure, but we go on this site everyday and people are constantly talking about private matters in their relationship. Is this betrayal? Where is the line? How do you define it? Cheating is the same way, some people think porn is cheating, some people think flirting is. The line should be defined by the couple.

 

I agree about if in doubt, keep it zipped. but I don't think it's that ludicrous to say there should be some talk about it. Some people aren't good at keeping their mouths closed, it doesn't mean they're BAD people. Some people don't realize these things. I mean, if you want to peg all of them as terrible betrayer, sure, fine. Personally, I've known some really good people who just don't know how to keep things to themselves and talk before they think.

 

Those people (I know this is a generalization but..) are generally women. Women tend to talk things out a lot, there's nothing wrong with a "hun, can you keep our sex live private, I am extremely upset this is out there because I want it to be between us".

[pinkelephant]

So that makes it OK?

 

I don't think so.

 

I agree,that doesn't make it okay. But the OP said that's what he's upset about lol... and I'm just trying to say that what happened wasn't THAT dramatic.

[DN]

Ok, sure, but we go on this site everyday and people are constantly talking about private matters in their relationship. Is this betrayal?

Of course not, this is an anonymous website - totally different than discussing things with friends and family.

 

There is no excuse for doing this. It's so obvious that one shouldn't.

 

There was a thread a few years back here where a guy told his girlfriend that he had been sexually molested as a child. He had never told anyone but she pried and prodded to get it out of him - then she told her best friend. A few days later some co-worker mentioned it and he knew it was all over town. And some people on here defended it on the same grounds as people on this thread - 'women talk about this stuff to their friends, just deal with it."

 

Maybe that case was more egregious but both instances are over the line. And the chances are that the OP will find it is soon common knowledge among the family and probably friends as well.

[penelope13]

I think there is a big difference if she had called up someone else and said" listen, I need to tell you how disappointed I am with my partner, previous partners were soo much better" - of course that would be a total betrayal.

 

But based on the OP, it doesn't seem that this is how the conversation went down and what it was about. It was about the trouble of the friend/family member of disassociating with someone who was no good for her, because he has some sexual hold over her. It seems (just from the impression that I got from the OP) that OPs wife tried to explain, that she can relate to the hold someone can have in this respect (and she used her own experience), however that there is more to a relationship than that.

 

In those kind of situations (when you are hearing one side of a conversation and you are hearing something that totally throws you off), people often develop some kind of selective hearing and only hear what they are fearing and don't take in the whole context of the conversation. Thus I would urge OP to think carefully if his wife indeed complaint about his abilities rather than make statements of differences.

 

I'm also surprised that most people seem to be ok that he chose to listen in onto a conversation that was obviously private long before his name even got mentioned. So that's ok? That is not a breach of trust?

 

As to why she supposedly did things in a previous relationship and is not doing so anymore (??), some people (weird as it may be) associate their 'wild days' with something they don't want to take into a serious/lasting relationship.

 

If OP is worried/concerned about that she had done things in the past and is not doing them now, why not take the opportunity and try to explore/discuss those things openly now.

 

As to the things that he is most concerned about:

 

1) nothing she said was directed at OP, nor meant to 'disparage him'. I think she tried to relay a totally different message than OP took it

2) the wife apparently respected in 10 years that OP didn't want to know details about her sexual past. If he hadn't chosen to listen in, he would not have had to listen to this. Thus if OP wants to maintain/save the relationship I'd be a bit hesitant to cast all the blame on her. Just because OP doesn't want to know about wife's past also doesn't mean wife has to forget her own past and never let it come up in conversation with anybody just in case OP may spy on her and not understand the context of a conversation.

3) so this is about hurt pride. while I can understand, OP also claims to be 'realistic'. Just because he wants to score a certain mark in all aspects that is difficult to require from a partner. Would you seriously not have entered into a relationship with her if she had scored you on everything and didn't hit all the right marks? Isn't the sum of everything what counts in a relationship and what makes it last?

4) I also don't think that the conversation had anything to do with the guy in question. It didn't sound as if it was about reminiscing about how wonderful he was, but about being able to relate to the family member's struggle. What do you mean by 'protect' the guy?

[Silverbirch]

I strongly suspect that what the 2 women were talking about was sexually addictive relationships which mess with people's heads. Unless a person has been in one themselves, it's difficult to describe to another person except to say that those relationships can bring a lot of mental anguish, and they can truly be like an addiction that on one level makes you feel sick and you don't really understand why it is so difficult to break away from something you know is mostly bad for you.

 

Something else that I don't think has been touched on here is that there is a big difference between sex with lots of various technical types of orgasms versus sex which is emotionally satisfying - and of course enjoyable. I too would NEVER want to go back to one of those types of relationships where my head was so messed with and you change as a person after a while and that type of sex loses it's appeal - because you find something MUCH better.

 

You didn't hear all of the conversation and I think she probably elaborated to the other woman on why she does choose to be with you. Okay, you make lots of money, etc, but if she is so beautiful there are probably lots of other men who earn a lot of money who she could be with also.

 

Mostly you have talked about sex and money, but not much yet about the other things which bring people together and keep them together - ie compatibility, companionship, emotional intimacy, affection.