Overheard Conversation Comparing Former Lover and Myself, Advice Perspective Pl

[pinkelephant]

Maybe separation and time will help the situation...

[needhelp6]

Good for you. I'm not surprised there was some new information about the guy - you don't carry a torch for that long without something behind it. Don't blame you for not wanting to deal with that.

Her sister came to my office to speak with me about the situation (told SO she would be seeing me) to see if there was anything she could do to help. SO had already told her the entire story (actual correct version) and SO's sister told me that she could not believe what her sister was doing or that she still carried feelings for this guy. Said the guy treated her like ****, lied to her constantly, in-fact their entire relationship was build upon lies from day one. She claimed he cheated on her several times. If they ever did anything she would have to foot the bill, didn't have a car so anywhere they went she was required to provide transportation. He was pulled over while borrowing her car once and didn't have a drivers license so it was impounded and she had to pay to have it released and the list went on and on. She said now it sounds like he's even worse (I chose not to let on that I already knew the his current status). She told me her sister had always spoken highly of me, our relationship and the life I provided she and her daughters (she has one from a previous marriage who lived with us until she went away to college) and the fact that I treated and supported her older child like she was my own. She also implied but didn't say it that she knew nothing of the "sex" issue. All this information only confused me more, however confirmed my decision.

[Silverbirch]

Well it seems that both you and your SO have discussed it with various others except between yourselves so it just keeps getting worse. We can't know exactly what was said and how it was said, but it's just snowballed.

 

Sounds to me like more of the big picture is that the people in your circle have been too involved in each others lives.

[needhelp6]

Well it seems that both you and your SO have discussed it with various others except between yourselves so it just keeps getting worse

Sorry maybe I left out that the ex and I have had several conversations about this trying to work through it however they always seemed to become heated and were unproductive except for me to learn there's more to the story regarding this ex of hers. I've personally had four conversations, the guy who called me, her sister, my attorney and my mother just to let her know we were no longer together and where I would be, doesn't seem to excessive to me. As for her, who knows and at this point I don't care.

[Silverbirch]

Very sorry to hear this.

[Ms Darcy]

Why would her sister's talk with you confirm your decision?

[Blurry]

Whole story is just a bummer. Sorry to hear this. Tbh I was hoping everything would work out but I understand the decision you've made. Sucks for the kids

[Unreasonable]

Counselling? Did it happen?

[needhelp6]

Why would her sister's talk with you confirm your decision?

Wouldn't/Didn't, decision was made before that. This is why her sister asked if she could meet with me, to see if there was anything she could do to help save it.

[needhelp6]

Counselling? Did it happen?

No, bad experience with it, no longer believe in it.

[needhelp6]

Why would her sister's talk with you confirm your decision?

Sorry, miss-read this. From a perspective of there's something wrong with her sister that she'd be willing to throw away what she had. I think eventually something would have happened and thus this is the right move. Sorry for the confusion.

[LillyLooWho]

I know we all have our own tolerance levels but I feel like when you really love someone, you forgive them when they make a mistake. I know it is a fresh wound and you are hurting a lot but I feel you are making life decisions very fast that you may come to regret. If the person you love is generally a decent and good person, then maybe you should take a break or temporarily move out. I feel like an offhand comment has snowballed into having huge consequences. I'm not sure the consequences fit the original offense, especially when you said you were generally a happy couple. I'm talking about the consequences on you as well as your partner and child(ren). I think you need some time to think about whether separation is truly what you want. Don't be so sure this is the answer. And don't just dismiss counselling outright as something you don't like when it could possibly save your family. Just saying...

[Unreasonable]

No, bad experience with it, no longer believe in it.

 

I've had "bad experiences" with counselling myself. Sometimes it takes finding the right counselor. It takes a good really good counselor to be able to mediate impartially.

 

But, if I might ask, do you really think having an outside perspective is any worse than having admittedly heated arguments with your wife? That's better than having someone who can work to keep the discussion civil?

 

Look, I think Enotalone is a good place to vent. But that's pretty much all it's good for, imo. Rarely do you see both sides of the story, almost everyone here is biased because of their own past experiences, and almost no one has any professional experience.

 

It is NOT sufficient for these kinds of matters!

[Ellie2006]

While I agree with this in theory, I too understand that we all have different tolerance levels and that there are certain things that we KNOW that we won't be able to handle. The OP sounds like a mature adult who knows what he is all about, and seems keenly aware of what he can and cannot handle.

 

If I were in the OP's shoes, I think, in the end, I could've accepted and gotten over what his ex said to her cousin on the phone.

Yes, she could have used more discretion, esp. since she knew that this cousin was kind of a blabbermouth, but what's done is done and I think I could've gotten over that.

 

But what I could NOT have gotten over (and I think perhaps this was also the final straw for the OP) is the fact that his ex actually has unresolved feelings for HER ex.

 

Sure, people tend to idealize the past, but her residual feelings for him on top of what she said to her cousin, on top of the fact that it got out to everyone ...

there are times when you feel that it's just best to cut your losses, and try to retain your dignity.

 

OP, I understand that you are skeptical about counseling, but maybe you might consider it as an option this time around?

Not necessarily to fix things with your ex, but just for your peace of mind.

Good luck to you.

[needhelp6]

Ex showed-up at the hotel I'm living at this week drunk threatening to kill herself if I didn't take her back. I Called her mother to have her come pick her up and deal with her; mother was concerned she may just take her own life. We got her checked in a "hospital" to determine whether or not the threat is real. Daughter is staying with me and grandmother for the next few days. What a mess.

[DN]

Don't get emotionally blackmailed into taking her back.

[LillyLooWho]

This is so sad to me.

[needhelp6]

Don't get emotionally blackmailed into taking her back.

I'm not/won't. I agree with Lilly, I'm just sad about it. Listening to this woman who had everything together, great outlook on life, one of the most positive and energetic people you would meet turn into the woman who said she wanted to take her own life was tough to witness.

[needhelp6]

Only adding to my confusion about this whole situation this article popped up in Zite on my iPad as recommended reading -link removed. According to this article she should have been happier sexually with me than him. Which BTW I'm not hung-up on as I've said many times in this thread, this wasn't about who was better, I'm a realist and that's just not realistic in this day and age. What I do find interesting is from what I've heard we are at total opposite ends of the spectrum in this regard, couldn't be further away. Also the fact that it was "recommended" reading for me was pisses me off, LOL.

 

Here's an excerpt from the article that caught my eye; I hope I don't come off as arrogant in this post as it is not my intention. I actually find the term they use "rich" offensive, I'm an earner, I've worked (and work) very hard, sacrificed a lot and caught a couple lucky breaks, but bottom line is I worked my ass off. If I offend I sincerely apologize as it is not my intention:

"Hooking up with the rich may even improve the quality of sex, at least for women. In a 2009 study (PDF), researchers at Newcastle University found that as male partners' income increased, so did the frequency of women's orgasms.

 

Could money act as an aphrodisiac? Maybe. Or, as the study's authors suggest, perhaps wealth-inspired orgasms are the result of evolution, helping women discriminate between men to find those that have the best provider potential."

[Silverbirch]

Be more interesting to know who wrote the article - their background, the terms of such research, etc. Also, it would seem that the article was likely published to be read by people with money or for people who are motivated already to keep earning more. The last para gives a very strong indication of the type of beliefs which would underpin such "research".

[needhelp6]

I also found this interesting as to be quite honest, I'm really missing these kind of things:

"Practice 30-second hugs to get those feel-good chemicals flowing. Share a cuddle -- and maybe a fantasy or two. Remember, you may not own six homes and a private jet, but when you bank on your relationship, you can feel just as rich."I miss the hugs, when she'd come in my office (at home) walk behind my chair and give me a hug and rub my shoulders, or bring a book in when I was working late and curl up on the couch in my office read a little and fall asleep until I was done working and I'd carry her to bed. In case you can't tell I'm having a tough time with some of these things.

[Silverbirch]

Women don't generally do those sort of things for men they don't love. Wo, carry her to bed!! I bet she loved that. I still hope you will at least put your final decision on hold for a while longer. It seems to soon to make such a permanent decision thought time apart to sort out your feelings would be a good idea.

[pl3asehelp]

Ex showed-up at the hotel I'm living at this week drunk threatening to kill herself if I didn't take her back. I Called her mother to have her come pick her up and deal with her; mother was concerned she may just take her own life. We got her checked in a "hospital" to determine whether or not the threat is real. Daughter is staying with me and grandmother for the next few days. What a mess.

 

Wow - sounds like between the phone call and this, you're finding out who she really is. Amazing how people can put on a show and hide their feelings and true nature.

[journeynow]

This is gut wrenching and sad. I'm sorry, OP, for all the turmoil you've been through. I hope you have a cooling off separation before anything is finalized, but I suspect not. I can believe she is sincerely distraught by this, and her original stupid conversation you overheard was an embellishment on her part to offer understanding to her family member. I would have taken that first conversation with a huge grain of salt.

[DN]

I am not clear why anyone would want to stay with someone who a) said their ex was a better lover and b) has admitted to unresolved feelings about said ex. Seems to me entirely valid to prefer to exit that marriage.