Overheard Conversation Comparing Former Lover and Myself, Advice Perspective Pl

[pl3asehelp]

I am not clear why anyone would want to stay with someone who a) said their ex was a better lover and b) has admitted to unresolved feelings about said ex. Seems to me entirely valid to prefer to exit that marriage.

 

100% agree. I'd even argue it's negligent towards your children to remain in a marriage under those circumstances. She never should have gotten married to the OP in the first place if she still had feelings for her ex. That's not a marriage, it's just someone looking to have their bills paid.

[needhelp6]

her original stupid conversation you overheard was an embellishment on her part to offer understanding to her family member. I would have taken that first conversation with a huge grain of salt.

Please help me understand this. I believe what you're saying is she over exaggerated her experience with this previous lover and did the opposite with me? If this was the case then why not stop after the embellishment of the prior sexual relationship, why drag me into it? What purpose did that serve?

[DN]

Please help me understand this. I believe what you're saying is she over exaggerated her experience with this previous lover and did the opposite with me? If this was the case then why not stop after the embellishment of the prior sexual relationship, why drag me into it? What purpose did that serve?

Exactly - she wasn't just saying the ex was a great lover but that he was better than you. If she didn't mean it - why say it?

[Silverbirch]

100% agree. I'd even argue it's negligent towards your children to remain in a marriage under those circumstances. She never should have gotten married to the OP in the first place if she still had feelings for her ex. That's not a marriage, it's just someone looking to have their bills paid.

 

Maybe people are just not all the same - that as we don't live in a vacum before we meet our spouses that we have loved before and that not every feeling goes, but that doesn't necessarily mean we don't love our partners, or even that our love for our present partners is not deeper, stronger or more meaningful.

[DN]

Maybe it would be a good idea for people to read and understand their vows before the wedding, mean them when they say them to their partner and keep their word subsequently.

[journeynow]

I agree with your point about taking it further. Of course it is damaging and hurtful, and stupid. She may or may not have been telling her true feelings, but if it's unforgivable for you and you can't get to a point of talking productively then I can see your choice to split up. For the record, I don't talk that way or have patience for friends who do. But I'm not naive enough to think a partner of mine might never have had great sex with someone else in their younger wilder days and sometimes, in moments of stupidity, boasted in a guy conversation. That alone would not make me leave the relationship, but it would be cause for concern, addressing the disrespect and damage and their love and commitment.

[journeynow]

Please help me understand this. I believe what you're saying is she over exaggerated her experience with this previous lover and did the opposite with me? If this was the case then why not stop after the embellishment of the prior sexual relationship, why drag me into it? What purpose did that serve?

 

Like others have said, maybe it's her attempt to console her friend. I'm not saying that IS the case, but it is POSSIBLE. What did she say when you asked?

[needhelp6]

Maybe people are just not all the same - that as we don't live in a vacum before we meet our spouses that we have loved before and that not every feeling goes, but that doesn't necessarily mean we don't love our partners, or even that our love for our present partners is not deeper, stronger or more meaningful.

Silver, I agree with this, in-fact I've said several times that's not what this whole thing was about. I understand that in this day and age it's not realistic that every feeling is going to go away or that you're going to be the best lover your spouse has ever had. This is why I've always lived by the rule of, "don't ask about prior lovers, penis size etc." nothing good can ever come from that. I hear guys complain when they ask their spouse if their penis is the largest their spouse has been with and then they're pissed and hurt when she answers honestly and says, no, my former boyfriend was larger. Kills me that people do that.

[pl3asehelp]

Maybe people are just not all the same - that as we don't live in a vacum before we meet our spouses that we have loved before and that not every feeling goes, but that doesn't necessarily mean we don't love our partners, or even that our love for our present partners is not deeper, stronger or more meaningful.

 

Nobody has ever lived in a vacuum to my knowledge and I agree not all people are the same, but I don't understand how either of those facts make it excusable to marry someone when you have feelings for someone else. To me that is just using a person and very selfish. Then again, I don't know, maybe these types of people should be marrying each other. Or at the very least, be honest with their SO before getting married so they can decide if they want to enter into something like this.

[needhelp6]

Like others have said, maybe it's her attempt to console her friend. I'm not saying that IS the case, but it is POSSIBLE. What did she say when you asked?

"She didn’t deny it, I quoted to her what she said, I remember it verbatim. She tried to make me feel better, telling me she didn’t mean what she said, it was just conversation, but I told her I wasn’t falling for that, why would she say it if she didn’t mean it. I asked about her comment of how I was as a lover and of course she tried to change that story also telling me I’m a great lover. To make that story short she tried talk her way out of it and tried to convince me she didn’t mean what she said."

[journeynow]

It could have been just conversation, but the important thing is you don't believe her. I don't think you'll accept any explanation at this point. You clearly have boundaries about this, and that's fine. What is the main issue for you? Is it that she didn't communicate these feelings with you? or that she discussed private matters with another woman?

[anna0511]

I am not clear why anyone would want to stay with someone who a) said their ex was a better lover and b) has admitted to unresolved feelings about said ex. Seems to me entirely valid to prefer to exit that marriage.

 

100% agree. I'd even argue it's negligent towards your children to remain in a marriage under those circumstances. She never should have gotten married to the OP in the first place if she still had feelings for her ex. That's not a marriage, it's just someone looking to have their bills paid.

 

What unresolved feelings for the ex? Am I missing something here? Having nice memories of an ex does not equate to wanting to be with someone. Has she ever done anything, apart from having this conversation, that suggests she would rather be with him than you? Would she take him back, given the chance? Better sex does not mean a better partner. In the years that you have known her, has she acted like a mooch?

 

Exactly - she wasn't just saying the ex was a great lover but that he was better than you. If she didn't mean it - why say it?

 

And so what if the ex was a better lover? No one is saying that she should have made the comparison. That was clearly a huge mistake on her part. But are you going to let pride and ego get in the way of forgiveness and love?

 

Maybe it would be a good idea for people to read and understand their vows before the wedding, mean them when they say them to their partner and keep their word subsequently.

 

But there are two people who say wedding vows. I'm not even sure that the OP is married, but what makes you say that she didn't mean her vows (supposing that she said them). Having that conversation was a terribly mistake on her part, but it doesn't erase years of love of commitment. She never intended to hurt him, and unlike actual cheating, it was impossible for her to have imagine the consequences of her actions. It almost seems like the OP are leaving her out of revenge. What does that say about him upholding his promises of commitment, and to love someone in good times and bad?

 

"She didn’t deny it, I quoted to her what she said, I remember it verbatim. She tried to make me feel better, telling me she didn’t mean what she said, it was just conversation, but I told her I wasn’t falling for that, why would she say it if she didn’t mean it. I asked about her comment of how I was as a lover and of course she tried to change that story also telling me I’m a great lover. To make that story short she tried talk her way out of it and tried to convince me she didn’t mean what she said."

 

At this point, what choice did she have? You are putting her in a situation where that is the only thing she can possibly say to you. She was on the brink of losing her life partner... Do you really expect her to tell you in your face that she's had better sex with someone else?

[Lockwood]

Such a sad situation. I feel for you OP. I hope there aren't any more upsetting twists; there have been some shockers so far.

 

I have to say, under the circumstances, I'd be done too.

[DN]

And so what if the ex was a better lover? No one is saying that she should have made the comparison. That was clearly a huge mistake on her part. But are you going to let pride and ego get in the way of forgiveness and love?

Nice sentiment but, with great respect, very naive. Do you really think people would want to have sex with someone when you know they think their ex was better than you - and in all probability are comparing you to him to your disadvantage while in bed with you? And, in addition, also still have romantic feelings for them?

[anna0511]

Nice sentiment but, with great respect, very naive. Do you really think people would want to have sex with someone when you know they think their ex was better than you - and in all probability are comparing you to him to your disadvantage while in bed with you? And, in addition, also still have romantic feelings for them?

 

Do you honestly think this woman is actively comparing the OP and her ex in the mist of making love? Seriously.

 

All my exes were better kissers, more adventurous lovers, more well-endowed and had more stamina. They are also better looking in the conventional sense. But I ended up breaking up with all of them and no one and nothing compares to being with my current boyfriend. I wouldn't trade being with him for a second and I love being intimate with him. If I were to speak frankly (on an anonymous forum), I would say that he wasn't my best, but I really don't care. What matters is that he's most amazing, generous, ambitious, loyal and loving person that I know, and for those reasons I would not want to be with anyone else. His beautiful inside makes me think that he's the sexiest man alive and he is completely irresistible to me.

 

To me, the problem here is that she broke his trust by not keeping private matters private. That's horrible, but in my opinion not unforgivable. But if the reason why he can no longer be with her is because he can't accept the fact that she's had better, than it's his ego getting in the way. And that is a shame.

[DN]

Do you honestly think this woman is actively comparing the OP and her ex in the mist of making love? Seriously.

How is the OP supposed to know that she isn't?

 

It's all very well to cite ego (something done far too often, IMO) but there are other things in human psychology.

 

Your personal situation is interesting but would only be relevant if your partner were aware that you think he isn't as good as your former lovers. And it doesn't address anything from the OP's point of view which you could only know if your boyfriend said his ex's were better than you. You might claim that would not affect you but how would you know unless he has - and in any event, you aren't the OP and telling people how they should feel because that's how you would or do is rarely helpful.

[anna0511]

How is the OP supposed to know that she isn't?

 

Because I honestly cannot imagine that's how a person's mind works. Perhaps it's just me, and everyone else does this, but I don't compare lovers while I'm having sex. All I do is enjoy the moment and the person I am sharing it with.

 

Your personal situation is interesting but would only be relevant if your partner were aware that you think he isn't as good as your former lovers. And it doesn't address anything from the OP's point of view which you could only know if your boyfriend said his ex's were better than you. You might claim that would not affect you but how would you know unless he has - and in any event, you aren't the OP and telling people how they should feel because that's how you would or do is rarely helpful.

 

Well, I'm not telling anyone how to feel. That's just silly because a person cannot be told how to feel. A person can only be told advice, experiences, anecdotes, and etc..., based on which one can make decisions. I am sharing mine. And of course I'm not the OP and we're obviously not in the same situation. I don't see why that makes my thoughts any less helpful than yours, or anyone else's.

[needhelp6]

What is the main issue for you? Is it that she didn't communicate these feelings with you? or that she discussed private matters with another woman?

Main issue (right now, I go back and forth on feelings) is the fact that she would disparage me in this way to another person. I've looked at this from all angles and have not come-up with one single reason to have taken the conversation in that direction. I understand girls will talk but no need to bring me into it period.

[needhelp6]

What unresolved feelings for the ex? Am I missing something here? Having nice memories of an ex does not equate to wanting to be with someone. Has she ever done anything, apart from having this conversation, that suggests she would rather be with him than you? Would she take him back, given the chance? Better sex does not mean a better partner. In the years that you have known her, has she acted like a mooch

I have not shared the details of this, however I will say I'm not convinced that if she had the opportunity to sleep with this person again she wouldn't do it.

 

And so what if the ex was a better lover? No one is saying that she should have made the comparison. That was clearly a huge mistake on her part. But are you going to let pride and ego get in the way of forgiveness and love?

This has never been about who was the better lover, never has been, as I've stated countless times it's unrealistic to think that YOU are your current spouses best lover ever. I'm a realist and get that.

 

 

But there are two people who say wedding vows. I'm not even sure that the OP is married, but what makes you say that she didn't mean her vows (supposing that she said them). Having that conversation was a terribly mistake on her part, but it doesn't erase years of love of commitment. She never intended to hurt him, and unlike actual cheating, it was impossible for her to have imagine the consequences of her actions. It almost seems like the OP are leaving her out of revenge. What does that say about him upholding his promises of commitment, and to love someone in good times and bad?

Were not married and this is not out of revenge. If I wanted revenge I'd sleep with someone else, maybe a few women.

 

 

At this point, what choice did she have? You are putting her in a situation where that is the only thing she can possibly say to you. She was on the brink of losing her life partner... Do you really expect her to tell you in your face that she's had better sex with someone else?

If you notice I didn't ask anything about the kind of lover her ex was. We were discussing me. To me this is a huge deal. As I've said before, I wish she would have been open and honest with me from the beginning as we would have tried to fix it or ended the relationship years ago, before we had a child together. Sexual compatibility is a huge deal to me and would have been a deal breaker in terms of our relationship. I would not be in a long term committed relationship with someone who was as she described me in bed. Doesn't mean the person doesn't have other good qualities, it's just in terms of how I rank qualites in partner it's high on my list. As is honestly and integrity, I have zero tolerance for someone who is dishonest or lacks integrity, just how I live my life and the standard I hold others to in my life.

[needhelp6]

To me, the problem here is that she broke his trust by not keeping private matters private. That's horrible, but in my opinion not unforgivable. But if the reason why he can no longer be with her is because he can't accept the fact that she's had better, than it's his ego getting in the way. And that is a shame.

The reason I am no longer with her is NOT because she's had better. Said many times this is an unrealistic expectation.

[Unreasonable]

People have told you why she would say it. She said (or could have said) it to help console a friend. People share their own issues in order to make other people feel better about theirs. It just happens, I've done it myself, and I'm a guy. Back before we had these neat-o message boards I would often go to close friends for advice and simply blow off steam. Sometimes you just need a confidant.

 

Now, maybe she should have said "Mr. X" instead of your name. She probably shouldn't have said anything at all. Clearly this private conversation was mistake on her part, and one which I think she truly regrets.

 

However, I think if she had "unresolved feelings" for this person, she'd be with this person, and wouldn't be desperately begging to keep you. I am not you, and I have not been in your shoes (though I DO think I've been in similar shoes). Nevertheless, I do not think you are as forgiving as I would be.

[anna0511]

I apologize if I seem to offend you but as I read your responses I can't help but think that you are saying one thing but feeling another.

 

Main issue (right now, I go back and forth on feelings) is the fact that she would disparage me in this way to another person. I've looked at this from all angles and have not come-up with one single reason to have taken the conversation in that direction. I understand girls will talk but no need to bring me into it period.

 

For example, I find it strange that you agree that girls need to "talk", but then draw a line as to where it becomes inappropriate. Perhaps you have and I missed you posting this, but unless that line was made explicitly clear between the two of you, I don't know how she would have known what was out of bounds. I think it's nice to hold others to the standard that you live you life, but unless those standards have to be absolutely clear, isn't it a bit a harsh expectation. And to be fair you didn't hear the rest of conversation. Isn't it possible that it was full of praise for all your other qualities? It just seems horribly tragic to end a relationship because you of one sentence that trespassed your threshold of tolerance and what you imagined to have ensued.

 

I have not shared the details of this, however I will say I'm not convinced that if she had the opportunity to sleep with this person again she wouldn't do it.

 

If that's the case, then it's an another problem altogether. If you think she is the kind of person who would cheat, then I'm not sure how you can be happy together. But that's a pretty big assumption to make of someone.

 

As I've said before, I wish she would have been open and honest with me from the beginning as we would have tried to fix it or ended the relationship years ago, before we had a child together. Sexual compatibility is a huge deal to me and would have been a deal breaker in terms of our relationship. I would not be in a long term committed relationship with someone who was as she described me in bed. Doesn't mean the person doesn't have other good qualities, it's just in terms of how I rank qualites in partner it's high on my list. As is honestly and integrity, I have zero tolerance for someone who is dishonest or lacks integrity, just how I live my life and the standard I hold others to in my life.

 

Again, I have a hard time understanding this logic. Maybe sexual compatibility isn't as high of a priority to her? In that case, I'm not sure how her choosing to be with you speaks to her dishonesty and integrity.

 

Anyways, I'm of the impression that you are not ready to forgive, and I don't think there's anyone who can convince you otherwise. Imagine yourself in a few years when your daughter starts wanting to know the reason as to why her parents aren't together anymore. If can answer her honestly, and can live with that answer, then perhaps you are better off going different ways. I just really hope that you are living by the same advice that you would give a friend in your shoes.

[Unreasonable]

Zero tolerance for someone who is dishonest or lacks integrity, just how I live my life and the standard I hold others to in my life.

I'm sorry, but are you saying that you have never lied, or ever done something that could be interpreted by someone as lacking in integrity? ZERO tolerance? How do you get on in the world? Besides you, everybody lies once in a while.

 

I mean, if you can say with a straight face that you have never lied, then fine, I think you entitled to your self-righteousness. But if you have, ZERO tolerance for others seems a bit much, don't you think?

 

I know you probably think it's different if it's your wife, but it really isn't... she's human like the rest of us. People make mistakes.

[needhelp6]

I apologize if I seem to offend you but as I read your responses I can't help but think that you are saying one thing but feeling another.

No offense taken here.

 

 

For example, I find it strange that you agree that girls need to "talk", but then draw a line as to where it becomes inappropriate. Perhaps you have and I missed you posting this, but unless that line was made explicitly clear between the two of you, I don't know how she would have known what was out of bounds. I think it's nice to hold others to the standard that you live you life, but unless those standards have to be absolutely clear, isn't it a bit a harsh expectation. And to be fair you didn't hear the rest of conversation. Isn't it possible that it was full of praise for all your other qualities? It just seems horribly tragic to end a relationship because you of one sentence that trespassed your threshold of tolerance and what you imagined to have ensued.

I've learned from this thread that some girls do talk about their past experiences. I can accept that, however, what I do not accept is sharing of our private information in these conversations. She and I had discussed keeping our personal business and matters private, did we create a check list, no, however I think a reasonable person would expect ones sex life to fall into this category. Not buying the excuse that well, I knew our finances were private but how you were in bed, I wasn't sure on that.

 

 

If that's the case, then it's an another problem altogether. If you think she is the kind of person who would cheat, then I'm not sure how you can be happy together. But that's a pretty big assumption to make of someone.

Did I think she was the kind of person who would cheat, not then, now I'm not 100% confident. This is not based solely on this conversation that I overheard btw.

 

 

Again, I have a hard time understanding this logic. Maybe sexual compatibility isn't as high of a priority to her? In that case, I'm not sure how her choosing to be with you speaks to her dishonesty and integrity.

Well then why the hell would you complain about how I am? Why not focus on the things that are a high priority to her like her shoe collection or her expensive watches? Why not say, "yea this guy rocked my world in bed but he could never provide for me and my daughters like my current spouse does and that to me is more important than great sex." Why not say that if we're talking about priorities and completely bypass the sex conversation? Why disparage the person?

Anyways, I'm of the impression that you are not ready to forgive, and I don't think there's anyone who can convince you otherwise. Imagine yourself in a few years when your daughter starts wanting to know the reason as to why her parents aren't together anymore. If can answer her honestly, and can live with that answer, then perhaps you are better off going different ways. I just really hope that you are living by the same advice that you would give a friend in your shoes.

In my opinion this is not about forgiveness. It's about do I want to be with a person who would think so little of me to disparage me for whatever reason to this woman, and the answer is no, I don't want to be with someone who would do that, regardless of whether or not we have a child together. And yes, I will tell my daughter the reason as to why her parents aren't together anymore and I'm confident my daughter will feel quite sad that one of her parents would have had such little regard for their spouse that they would speak of them in that manner. My daughter and I have a great relationship, she is my number one priority in life and we will continue to grow together and she will always remain and know she is "daddy's little girl."

[Blue Dreamer]

I have zero tolerance for someone who is dishonest or lacks integrity, just how I live my life and the standard I hold others to in my life.

 

 

I know this will be of no help to you Mr. OP, but the fact that you are putting your own best interests over the best interests of your child is the most tragic part of this story. You will ultimately argue what I am claiming as you are the type of person who will unknowingly lie to them self for emotional and power controlling purposes. After reading all your posts and seeing you defend yourself constantly for things you have said or done on this forum(if you need quotes, I will provide them), it is clear you are not the strong person you claim to be.

 

 

It takes integrity(which you claim to be so important to you)to put their child's best interest ahead of your own. The best chances for your child to be successful and happy in life is to be raised by loving parents. That's a fact. If you need me to back it up, I will do the necessary medical research.

 

 

From what I am reading, it appears you have not truly given your family, whom you supposedly love, any real chance to explain everything to you. For the few conversations you have had that apparently end up heated, my guess is you are the one who ends up getting heated and not giving them a true chance to tell you the truth so you can truly better understand what it going on and how you both can work together at least for the best of the child.

 

 

If you had the integrity you claim is so important to you, you would be doing everything you could to work out the relationship for at least until your child is an independent adult at 18 years of age. Also, if you choose to stay divorced and you end up raising the child because your wife is not fit to do so based on her current actions, you should also know that if you want the best for your child, you will remain single and out of a love related relationship until the child is an independent adult at 18 years of age. Your child, who has no saying in any of this, does not deserve to have to put up with their single parent dating and bringing a random slew of different people into the child's life while they are growing and developing their intelligence, experiences, perceptions and most importantly, their emotions.

 

 

You clearly do not realize the power you have to influence the rest of your child's life with the single and not well thought out, decision you are making right now. You should love your wife because she is the mother of your child. Your narcissism will be your downfall.

 

 

Please don't reply to my post if you are going to say the exact same things you have already said many times with different words. Convince me that it is best for your child to get divorced. The only way that is possible for divorce to be best, is if you don't have the integrity to at least truly try work things with your wife(who wants to) for the best of your child's short and long term health.

 

 

Note: I have read the whole18 pages so I am aware of what you shortly wrote about your parents when they raised you.