In love with pictures?!? After 20 years?

[Svetik]

 

I fell in love with this guy in college and I had a secret crush on him for entire year. It seemed that he also liked me, but both of us were shy and none of us made the first move. But then he was drafted to the army (it was common in our country to be drafted for 2 years), and I couldn't bear not seeing him anymore and couldn't get him out of my mind, so I wrote a letter to him asking if he remembered me. He responded that he remembers me VERY WELL and we started exchanging letters. After six months of writing letters he invited me to come to the town near which he was stationed for my school vacation. He came there to see me, we spent a day together, which ended in kissing and a lot of promises about "love forever". There was a lot of sexual chemistry between us and I could feel that he was really into me also... Then we met again, there was a lot of physical contact again, and he asked me if I would have sex with him, but I was 18 and not ready. It's not that I didn't want it, but I never knew what it was and I just freaked out and said "no". When I came home I wrote him a letter, which I should not have written, but basically it was how I was raised that made me write that letter. My parents never spoke about sex at home and often mentioned that it was "dirty" to have it before marriage... And I wrote to him that I am not an "easy woman" as he thinks I am, and can't have sex with him in a hotel in the town where the army is stationed. I was only 18 at the time and really loved him, but just wasn't ready for sex on a 2nd date. He stopped responding after that letter, but then several months later wrote to me saying how deeply hurt he was with my letter, that he never considered me "easy woman" and that this letter from him was the last one. He never responded to any of my apologies after that, although I wrote many and I was heartbroken and regretted everything.

 

Time has passed and I when he came back from the army I saw him, but was too proud to talk to him, although he tried once, but I walked away... Then he dropped out of college and I married my husband and emigrated to US. My husband really loved me and cared about me, but there was never as much passion between us as it was with that other guy. But he never seemed to care how I felt towards him and actually loved the fact that he needs to chase me and win me over... Overall we were happy together and stayed together for 20 years. He is good father to our beautiful kids. I had a really blurry recollection of the "other guy" and events of the past...

 

20 years later I suddenly googled that ex-boyfriend's last name and found his profile on the social networking site. I was overwhelmed just from seeing it and started crying. Then I asked some friends around and heard that his mother died from cancer, his business went bad, his wife left him for another man and that him and his wife never had their own children, but he raised her daughter. When I heard the story about his mom's death and how she suffered I started crying and cried for 2 hours. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and why I cared... Also, as freaky as it sounds, but I found his profile exactly at the same time he broke with his wife, and totally by accident, as if it was "karma" or "fate" or something else really strange...

 

I wrote to him to say "hi" and asked if he remembered me.

 

He responded to me saying that he saw my pics and that I look great, my kids are adorable and he hopes that I am happy in life. He befriended me on FB and "liked" some of my posts, but never pictures... We also once had a lenghthy conversation in which he complained about his wife leaving him, told me that he lives alone, was very kind to me and I felt that he also liked me, although it seemed very silly, because he hasn't seen me for 20 years and lives overseas from me.

He also wished me happy birthday and it was a very thoughtful wish. He never tried to pursue me or break my marriage or anything like that, and I think that he is dating women.

 

But I can't look at his pictures on FB... I still feel that love him, which is the strangest thing on earth. He now has grey hair and gained weight, but I still fantasize about him when I see his pics. I don't care about any other men in my real life, but I do care about this virtual "ghost"... I feel miserable and it's bad for my marriage also...

 

I considered the possibility that he is just a fantasy. He was certainly my "first love" and I understand why some people don't like to reunite with their "first loves", because the sweet memories will be spoiled... I just don't get it why when I look at his pictures I still feel a lot. I saw pictures of other guys I had crushes on before (in high school, etc.) and didn't care at all about them. And although I never cheated on my husband, I fell for several guys during our marriage. But I don't even have the slightest desire to meet them or see them again.

 

Was someone ever in similar situation? Am I crazy? Is it fate, real love or just fantasy? I don't understand how this guy feels about me. I want him to like me, although I understand that it's crazy and unreal. And I don't know what to do with my life... I was never able to forget him...

[rahul131982]

I think you are having some issues with your marriage or husband right now. Maybe you should think about that first. This seems to be an indication of that. I am not saying you cant reminisce but you seem to be having very strong feelings here.

 

Figure out first what is going on with you.

[Svetik]

I think you are having some issues with your marriage or husband right now. Maybe you should think about that first. This seems to be an indication of that. I am not saying you cant reminisce but you seem to be having very strong feelings here.

 

Figure out first what is going on with you.

 

Thanks... But the issues with my husband will go away as soon as I forget about the past... That's what is strange... If I don't think about this person, don't look at his pics, then my life is perfect, peaceful and quiet.

[chitown9]

Thanks... But the issues with my husband will go away as soon as I forget about the past... That's what is strange... If I don't think about this person, don't look at his pics, then my life is perfect, peaceful and quiet.

 

Perfect! You found the solution to the problem....

[Svetik]

Perfect! You found the solution to the problem....

 

No, because part of me thinks that I should try to have sex with that guy before I die... Because we live only once...

If I've been having such strong feelings for him through my entire life then maybe I should do it before I die.

And part of me wants peaceful life...

[DN]

Don't be selfish and indulge this fantasy with this guy from the past. Your husband and children deserve so much better than you behaving so badly.

[Svetik]

Don't be selfish and indulge this fantasy with this guy from the past. Your husband and children deserve so much better than you behaving so badly.

 

Yes, children really deserve it. But my husband was never an angel in our relationship. I never cheated on him and stayed faithful for 20 years... But he always flirted with women and lately he's been into Asian women, Asian culture a little bit too much, I think... He's been even telling me that I am too curvy whereas Asian women are thin... And many other men find me attractive.

I can lose some weight, but I can't be as skinny as some Asian women he likes. Never.

[DN]

Yes, children really deserve it. But my husband was never an angel in our relationship. I never cheated on him and stayed faithful for 20 years... But he always flirted with women and lately he's been into Asian women, Asian culture a little bit too much, I think... He's been even telling me that I am too curvy whereas Asian women are thin... And many other men find me attractive.

I can lose some weight, but I can't be as skinny as some Asian women he likes. Never.

Don't blame your husband for your own cheating.

[amipushy]

 

He responded to me saying that he saw my pics and that I look great, my kids are adorable and he hopes that I am happy in life. He befriended me on FB and "liked" some of my posts, but never pictures... We also once had a lenghthy conversation in which he complained about his wife leaving him, told me that he lives alone, was very kind to me and I felt that he also liked me, although it seemed very silly, because he hasn't seen me for 20 years and lives overseas from me.

He also wished me happy birthday and it was a very thoughtful wish. He never tried to pursue me or break my marriage or anything like that, and I think that he is dating women.

 

From what he has said and done, he is not interested in pursuing you. He is just being polite.

 

If you try to push things further you risk getting hurt and humilated. Don't risk it.

[Svetik]

Don't blame your husband for your own cheating.

 

Who said I was cheating? If you consider fantasy cheating then you need help. If I wanted to cheat I would be, many times already, just like many other women do, and not posting on the forum, asking for advice and help.

[Svetik]

From what he has said and done, he is not interested in pursuing you. He is just being polite.

 

If you try to push things further you risk getting hurt and humilated. Don't risk it.

 

Some men told me that the fact that he told me that he "lives alone and can't sleep at night" and also shared the situation with his wife and some very personal stuff about him and her meant that he was implying something. After all, he hasn't seen me for so long to share that stuff... I didn't initiate this conversation with him, he started it...

But I am not sure... I really want him to like me, but I will not pursue it, I am trying to get over it.

[amipushy]

DN is right, when you spend all your time swooning over a man, thinking that you are in love with him and can't stop thinking about him, looking at him etc it is a form of emotional cheating.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but come on. You're not some kid, your a grown woman who can take responsibility and make choices. If you really are trying to get over him, you need to stop going on FB and find a new interest and turn your attention back to your husband.

[DN]

Who said I was cheating? If you consider fantasy cheating then you need help. If I wanted to cheat I would be, many times already, just like many other women do, and not posting on the forum, asking for advice and help.

It is indeed cheating. You may not be having sex with this man but you are seriously considering it and that is cheating your husband out of the emotional attention you are supposed to be paying him. If he is doing the same thing he is wrong too but that doesn't justify you doing it.

 

If you took traditional wedding vows think back to what you promised - especially the 'forsaking all others' part which doesn't mean only not having sex outside the marriage.

[Svetik]

Sorry, but the last thing I was looking for when I started this thread was some judgemental people accusing me of cheating. You are not Gods to judge other people. Sorry, but look at yourself first. Since I am not getting real advice here without being judged as if I am in the elementary catholic school, then I would like to remove this post. Can someone show me how I can do that? Been looking for that magic button, but can't find it.

[Tired Tiger]

Um...

 

Sorry, but the last thing I was looking for when I started this thread was some judgemental people accusing me of cheating.

 

As opposed to what, exactly? Encouragement to do this? -

 

No, because part of me thinks that I should try to have sex with that guy before I die... Because we live only once...

 

Here's an idea - run this thread by your husband and see what he thinks.

 

Yeesh.

 

Facebook - destroying relationships since 2005.

[Svetik]

And my husband might have a better, human reaction to that than all of you if I showed this post to him.

He actually knows parts of this story...

That is why we stayed together for so long - we give each other freedom.

We don't exactly have "open relationhisp", but I don't care when he flirts with women on facebook.

Or I don't care when he watches porn at night. All of you, men, do that. But yet you are quick

to judge others.

 

Especially in US, I think, there is so much double morale here. I don't believe any of you when you judge me. I've seen you in action, hitting on women when your wives are not around.

[appdev89]

woah woah woah, chill. no-one is accusing you.

 

if you are fantasizing about another man, great. no problem. he was your first love after all, completely allowed to do that. But you choose to grow your fantasy and plan it. You mentioned "living only once". DN is from ontario btw, not US. Also, you mentioned that he initiated the personal conversation, meaning he may be interested. That is not true, he is just venting about his ****ty situation to any person willing to listen. Of course I am not saying he is not interested in you, he probably is. But what I am trying to say is, you should not be interested in him. You are married and have kids. Please live in the real world.

 

Thing is, a lot of people look at the 1 - (what they have). I think you should look at what you do have. You have a husband who has not cheated, you have a few kids and a family that could be happy if you tried. Think of it this way, a relationship takes 2 people. But if none of them are willing to make it a loving relationship, then it is not going to be one. Someone has to initiate it. I am not blaming you, but the "problem" is not always the other persons. Human nature of course sometimes creates desires in people to look outside the relationship, but that can often be overcome by love and consideration from their partners. So you can choose to make the effort in telling your husband that you don't like it when he flirts with those girls and try to communicate and make your relationship better. Its very immature to say "he does it, i will do it too".

 

We all have our flaws, but we strive to work on them. I would be lying if I said that I never look at other people. But I do also know that it would be disrespectful to my partner if I continued to develop that thought process. Fleeting moments of fantasies are fine, living them aren't.

 

FYI, the magic button you seek does not exist. You may ask DN or other moderators to do what you seek by providing a good reason.

[appdev89]

And I also do think that the reason why your husband would be okay with this thread is because he doesn't really care as much about you after all this time. It would be great if you chose to develop the relationship and care about each other. It would be great if he fell in love with you again and was jealous of your fantasies, don't you think?

 

I also would like to say that fantasies can be quite exciting, reality more often than not isn't. You may think that being with the other guy would be great, a dream come true. But in reality, it won't be. It may just be terrible. His penis may be a micro-penis that ejaculates after 2 seconds. He may never get an erection due to his ED. His breath may stink and repel you even before he reaches you, you may faint and need to go to the hospital. Anyway lol, my point is the thought of "the sex will be mindblowing" and what your fantasies lead you to believe, most certainly wont be true. Fantasies are a powerful tool.

[Moneypenny]

Was someone ever in similar situation? YES, me unfortunately! Am I crazy? NO, just human. Is it fate, NO! real love NO!! or just fantasy? YES!!!! I don't understand how this guy feels about me. I want him to like me, although I understand that it's crazy and unreal. And I don't know what to do with my life... I was never able to forget him...

 

Svetik, I don't think anyone on this forum is judging you. You asked for advice and help, and that's what you've been given, in no uncertain terms. Sometimes though, it hurts to hear the truth.

 

I've just ended a long distance 'relationship' with a guy I'd had a crush on all my life. We connected via FB 2 ½ years ago, after 25 years. Like your fantasy man, he spilled out all his marital grievances within a very short space of time, and before we knew what was happening we were engaged in a very intense emotional affair, which subsequently led to the ending of both of our 'unhappy' marriages.

 

Like you, I thought that fate had drawn us together. I felt that he was 'the one' I had always loved, had always held close to my heart, and visa versa – like you, we never had sex way back then, but the chemistry was there all the same. This only served to intensify our feelings for eachother, and we both spent many months fantasising and talking about our first sexual encounter, and how all the stars in the universe would collide, and...and... and…

 

I ended up travelling to the other side of the world to meet him again after 25 years. The earth didn't shatter into a million pieces, and the stars didn't collide when we made love for the first time, or the second, nor, the thirtieth time. It certainly felt good, and yes, it was meaningful, but it wasn't THAT good, if you know what I mean. The fantasy was far better.

 

Svetik, you are falling into the trap that so many people fall into these days, because FB and other social networking sites make it so much easier for us to reconnect with our past.

 

I hope you will find it within yourself, to take your head out of the clouds for a moment, and really contemplate the advice you've been given in relation to your post.

 

Your marriage is showing classic signs of being in trouble, and you are denying it by focusing on someone from your past, and not yourself, in the present. You are not 'okay' with your husband's flirting, and you are not feeling 'good enough' for him; so, on a whim, you google your ex's name, sub-consciously seeking validation, and comfort from someone you think you still care about, and who you think might still care about you; because deep down, you are feeling unloved...hence, why you say, you want him to like you.

 

If you're not sure about what to do with your life, arrange to see a counsellor, and talk through your feelings; but, DO NOT look to find the answers from a crush from 20 years ago – you won't find the answers there – that, I can promise you.

 

Seriously look deep into yourself, and ask yourself why you are wanting to choose this route (the fantasy), as opposed to a more helpful, and healthy approach of seeing a counsellor or therapist.

 

All the best. X

[Svetik]

if you are fantasizing about another man, great. no problem. he was your first love after all, completely allowed to do that. But you choose to grow your fantasy and plan it.

I have not made any choices and have not planned anything. I posted here, because I was very depressed after that guy's brother posted a lot of his pictures on FB few days ago. And actually talking this over on the forum is helping me, as long as I am getting "human" responses, like yours. I am not choosing to grow that fantasy. It grows by itself, that's the sad part.

 

And I also do think that the reason why your husband would be okay with this thread is because he doesn't really care as much about you after all this time. It would be great if you chose to develop the relationship and care about each other. It would be great if he fell in love with you again and was jealous of your fantasies, don't you think?.

 

I am not saying that he would be completely "OK" and that it would not bother him. I am the type of a girl that likes attention from men and he never minded it in the past. However, he DOES care about this particular guy from the past. That guy is the ONLY person that my husband been jealous of so far, in my entire life. But whatever happened he would never run around with a bible, accusing me of "cheating" or "behaving badly". He would try to understand me as a human being... And I would do the same thing to him if there was a similar situation. That's what I was trying to say... We respect each other's privacy also. He mentioned that he would never read my email, for example, and that I should never read his. I know for a fact that he was contacted by a woman from his past, who told him that he was the only love of her entire life and she never found anybody better than him. He himself told me about her. But he didn't like how she looked when he saw her picture. And I don't know what kind of conversation happened between him and her, and I don't want to know... And I certainly wasn't standing there holding a bible over his head while he was talking to her. This is in response to someone saying "show this thread to you husband".

 

His penis may be a micro-penis that ejaculates after 2 seconds. He may never get an erection due to his ED. His breath may stink and repel you even before he reaches you, you may faint and need to go to the hospital.

 

That's a good one, lol...

[Svetik]

Seriously look deep into yourself, and ask yourself why you are wanting to choose this route (the fantasy), as opposed to a more helpful, and healthy approach of seeing a counsellor or therapist.

 

All the best. X

 

Thanks, but therapist is usually a person that read a few books and then tries to makes money by telling people how to live their lives. I actually believe that you did the right thing when you pursued it with your "fantasy" man. At least now the fantasy is over and you got your questions answered. Sorry that you marriage fell apart, but it would have despite that "relationship" with the guy from the past. Actually, some marriages, I heard, can become stronger after an affair, because then the "cheater" understands that nobody is better than what he/she already has. Although, I don't know your situation.

 

As for me, I will probably never find the courage to see that person and will continue to live my usual life until I die. There is no future for us anyways. I doubt that he still likes me, and I highly doubt that he would ever want a woman with 2 kids. And also I want my kids to have a family and grow up with their own father.

 

If you ever saw a movie "Thorn Birds", there might be similarities in there.

[dasilver]

If i had a man that i was married to for 20 years and he never cheated on me...I would be kneeling down thanking God every day for my blessings...

 

In 20 years it is a unrealistic to think that my spouse/partner may never say/do anything to hurt me. So if he's flirting with other women. We'll work on that.

 

He's having a thing for Asian culture...

 

When he comes home i'll be dressed like a Geisha with my Victoria's Secret lingerie underneath

 

I will do everything in power to make that marriage work…

 

Do you know the kind of strength it takes to be married for 20 years and not cheat? It takes discipline. That person must truly love, respect and want to be with me.

 

My way of showing my appreciation would be to vamp up my marriage….

 

Flowers…date nights….lots of intimacy….tons of respect and admiration and plenty of love.....Dear Lord I could go on…..

[Svetik]

If i had a man that i was married to for 20 years and he never cheated on me...I would be kneeling down thanking God every day for my blessings...

 

I don't know if he cheated or not and I don't want to know. I actually suspect he did... Because once he mentioned that "no matter what, he never brought the other woman to our house". But, if he did cheat, he still loved ME, because I never knew about those women.

 

And he's always been a very good husband to me. All of our friends and family always been saying that he really cares about me. When we were younger, he even tied my shoe laces in public, carried me around, gave me flowers, took care of all the life problems and put up with my moods. He now spends a lot of time with kids and fixes everything in the house. Living with him is like living behind the brick wall, because of how mature and strong he is, although we are the same age. And people said that we looked like brother and sister together.

 

The issue is not with him, I guess, it's with me...

 

There is just one thing about my husband that I don't get. When he proposed to me he knew that he was much more into me than I was into him. He even bragged to his friends that he can never "get me completely". He is a good looking guy and has easygoing personality with women, so women always liked him. But he said that he never liked the women who were too much into him. He liked women he had to chase and win over. And because I was hurt by that guy from the past, I thought that my husband really loved me, because he was "chasing" me. But now I am starting to question, why he never cared how I felt towards him... As opposed to that other guy, who broke it off at the slightest possibility that I didn't love him, because of what I wrote in my letter.

 

And with my husband the moments like "it's just two of us together under the stars" are not possible. Good, stable, married life is possible. But no feelings of true romance, because he is afraid of intimacy. As soon as I grow attached to him he loses interest and calls me "clingy wife", who doesn't leave him alone, just like all "wives".

[Moneypenny]

Thanks, but therapist is usually a person that read a few books and then tries to makes money by telling people how to live their lives.

 

Darling, I'm sorry that you are of this opinion, but a therapist is usually NOT anything like you have described here!

 

I actually believe that you did the right thing when you pursued it with your "fantasy" man. At least now the fantasy is over and you got your questions answered.

 

Oh I certainly got my questions answered, but not the way I'd planned, and not without it being the most excruciatingly painful 2 years of my entire life !! In actual fact, the fantasy wasn't worth it – BUT, I have learned some valuable things about myself, albeit the hard way. If I could turn back the clock, knowing all I know now through much reflection, and with the 'guidance' of someone more knowledgeable than me in these matters; i.e. my Counsellor; I would have been upfront about the state of our marriage with my husband from the start, and grown some backbone and left him, leaving him with some dignity at least; instead of creating the dramatic love affair that I did, based on feelings I had in my late teens, in order to soften my landing out of my marriage. This is the cowards way out, and is the ultimate betrayal of TRUST in a marriage, or partnership. Being true about your feelings, and stating them, is not betraying anyone's trust – it's called being HONEST. But creating 'affairs', even if they are only in our minds, because of our own deep-seated unhappiness, IS a betrayal, and, it IS being DISHONEST, not only to ourselves, but to one's spouse – and, it hurts THEM the most, initially. Believe me, Karma will find you, and bite you on the bum!!

 

I guess what I'm saying in part is this – don't live the rest of your life feeling ANY regret that you never pursued things with this 'ghost' of yours. All he is, is a ghost; a mere figment of your imagination in this present moment in time.

 

Behind every simple question asked on this forum, and that includes you; lurks something a lot deeper than we dare to acknowledge....and it's not always what we expect to be confronted with. Hey, if I'd found this forum 2 ½ years ago, I might've made more informed choices in my life, and saved myself, and those closest to me, a lot less heartache, and pain.

 

Please don't poo-poo therapists – these are very compassionate people who make it their life's work to help people realise their potential; to steer them in the right direction towards happiness; and to bring into focus the mistakes that ultimately cause the 'merry-go-round' of unhappiness.

[Moneypenny]

I am not choosing to grow that fantasy. It grows by itself, that's the sad part.

 

Oops..I totally missed this bit. How does a fantasy grow by itself? Are you saying that your thoughts and feelings are not of your own volition?