Touch...

[90_hour_sleep]

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo Buscaglia

 

i was considering my health yesterday...inspired by a woman who branded an image in my mind (and was further inspired by an article on 'touch')...''the whole health cairn''. it's a holistic approach. looking at the physical body as a manifestation of the ways in which we are ''deficient''. this, coupled with some other recent happenings, encouraged me to take an honest look at what is missing from my health picture.

 

touch...

 

this is big for me. looking at leo buscaglia's quote...there's one thing missing for me on a consistent basis -- physical touch.

 

so, i'm curious about the experience of others. how much of a roll does touch play in your life? do you get enough? do you give enough? are you, like me, operating at a touch deficit? is it palpable...the feeling it creates? do you notice an impact on your health (with whichever end of the spectrum you operate at)? i certainly do. it's like the missing link for me. when there's a surplus of giving and receiving, i feel nourished.

 

i'd like to specify that this isn't just about romantic touch. it's much broader. but of course...sexual touch contributes to the overall picture.

 

feel free to share your experience.

[charity]

you're right. i think that part of the reason i have NO feelings of loneliness when i am single is because i have so much TOUCH in my life. my kids are very demonstrative. they climb into bed with me in the morning, they give me random kisses throughout the day, they cuddle up to watch a dvd, they absent mindedly rub my arm in affection. so yeah i give enough and i get enough. i'm not sure if it affects my physical health but i'm know it has a positive feeling on my mental health. nice...thanks for making me appreciate that!

[Cheetarah]

Interesting. I was thinking about this the other day, though not in the specifics you speak about. Rather, I was pondering why I always felt(and even looked) healthier and energetic after a friend of mine leaves(who happens to be a super affectionate person). Then when I go 'without' for awhile, I start to look more drained, and feel it too.

 

Touch gives me a sense of renewal, like I am being replenished. I can feel my pulse slow, even my body temperate regulate(do I sound nuts?).

 

I am one of those people who is a seat hog. I don't lock up when I'm sitting next to someone(that I know) in a theater, at dinner, etc. I find even the minor contact of knee to knee as a comforting thing.

[90_hour_sleep]

you're right. i think that part of the reason i have NO feelings of loneliness when i am single is because i have so much TOUCH in my life. my kids are very demonstrative. they climb into bed with me in the morning, they give me random kisses throughout the day, they cuddle up to watch a dvd, they absent mindedly rub my arm in affection. so yeah i give enough and i get enough. i'm not sure if it affects my physical health but i'm know it has a positive feeling on my mental health. nice...thanks for making me appreciate that!

 

that's really comforting, charity. i'm glad there's a conscious appreciation of it for you. sometimes it's easy to miss the things we have, isn't it? but when we look, we notice how much we really do have.

 

thanks for the reply.

[90_hour_sleep]

Interesting. I was thinking about this the other day, though not in the specifics you speak about. Rather, I was pondering why I always felt(and even looked) healthier and energetic after a friend of mine leaves(who happens to be a super affectionate person). Then when I go 'without' for awhile, I start to look more drained, and feel it too.

 

Touch gives me a sense of renewal, like I am being replenished. I can feel my pulse slow, even my body temperate regulate(do I sound nuts?).

 

I am one of those people who is a seat hog. I don't lock up when I'm sitting next to someone(that I know) in a theater, at dinner, etc. I find even the minor contact of knee to knee as a comforting thing.

 

no...you don't sound nuts at all.

 

that's exactly what i'm talking about. it's the physical manifestation of something that is good for you. and if it's not there...its absence is palpable.

 

this all tied in with the idea of general well-being. so often our focus is on the symptoms...and 'fixing' the symptoms. putting a bucket under the leak...and then just leaving it alone. we fix one symptom and another symptom presents itself. we rarely stop to investigate the root...the leak itself.

 

i'm with you though...the simplest touch is comforting. a complete stranger hugged me last week...really hugged. and i hugged back.

[90_hour_sleep]

 

 

i went on a date with a girl who HATED the free hug people. hated them...passionately. thought they were just hipster weirdos.

 

she later confided that she was a miserable soul. chronically unhappy with everything. wretched. i couldn't help but wonder about the strange irony there. feeling wretched...unloved...miserable...and disgusted by human contact. but then...it made sense. she was projecting her own inner sense of lack to the rest of the world...and the world was responding.

 

the funny thing is...when we went our separate ways, she REALLY hugged me. that's what i remember about her.

[chickydoodle]

 

i went on a date with a girl who HATED the free hug people. hated them...passionately. thought they were just hipster weirdos.

 

the funny thing is...when we went our separate ways, she REALLY hugged me. that's what i remember about her.

 

I think a lot of hugging lacks sincerity - it has become the thing to do. I can hug when I feel a deep sense of emotion , but throwing one in after meeting someone you see daily - feels fake for me.

Also the whole touch thing. I feel sure the amount we need would have something to do with what we grew up with. We possibly crave it more if parents were undemonstrative or maybe the other way around....

I am not a touchy/feely person and I cant stand when it is done to me in an auto/habitual manner without feeling.

 

 

I know old people like to be touched and often when at a Nursing Home , I will take their hand. Yes it is powerful 'cos it is with Love and sincerity - but incorporating it into a daily routine isnt my style.

Its like I cant stand people who say " I understand" when you are explaining a depth of emotion. It has become a habit and is said without meaning in most cases.....

[pippy longstocking]

hi 90

 

not sure of this is quite what you are all talking about on here really ...

 

but may I mention another touch

 

and this drives my emily nuts ..she is like " mam please what if someone sees you " hahaha poor kid !

 

 

when I go for walks and getting a few shots , I like to touch and smell the trees , I kiss them and talk to them ..I say they must of seen some things stood here all these years ..

and the flowers and the grass , I like to lay in it and smell the smells ( well when I don't lay in dog poo that is ) and touch it all and sometimes have a little nibble on stuff .

 

I feel ..well ...at peace and alive and kind of amazed at things like a strawberry been so red ..just on it's own without man adding to its beauty .

 

I am always touching my plants ..

 

I am unsure if I should say all this in public ....hey ho

[90_hour_sleep]

I think a lot of hugging lacks sincerity - it has become the thing to do. I can hug when I feel a deep sense of emotion , but throwing one in after meeting someone you see daily - feels fake for me.

Also the whole touch thing. I feel sure the amount we need would have something to do with what we grew up with. We possibly crave it more if parents were undemonstrative or maybe the other way around....

I am not a touchy/feely person and I cant stand when it is done to me in an auto/habitual manner without feeling.

 

definitely in agreement. touch as an insincere gesture is empty. there's no substance to it. a formality...a tap...a brief embrace...no squeeze. what's the point? really. what's the point.

 

although, that's not really the kind of touch i'm referring to in this instance. it's the touch we do need. we're all different...but i imagine every one of us can benefit when we're getting what we need...and notice what's lacking when we're not getting it.

 

did the prophet speak about touch?

[chickydoodle]

Well Nature is more nurturing than people IMO. I too like this.

 

"Tis not that I Love man the less, but Nature more"......

[chickydoodle]

I do get what you are saying and admit that sometimes I crave to be enveloped in a big man bear hug , or just held for a few moments and told' everything is gonna be fine"....

[90_hour_sleep]

no shame here.

 

it's not just human connection. connection to one's surroundings plays a roll in our well being as well. there are spaces which deplete us...and there are spaces which replenish us. sometimes it's barely noticeable. but it's there.

 

i remember a study on plants. they thrive on energy. music...speech...touch. they're alive after all. the plants that fared the worst were the ones that were given no attention. it was akin to neglect...disregarding the needs of the life...the nourishment.

 

is touch a basic human need? not constant touch, maybe. but is there a certain quota that we need to truly THRIVE?

[90_hour_sleep]

I do get what you are saying and admit that sometimes I crave to be enveloped in a big man bear hug , or just held for a few moments and told' everything is gonna be fine"....

 

i'm not especially ''touchy feely'' either...but sometimes i wonder if i could benefit from a bit more of it. it seems good for my soul when i get a bit more.

 

and the girl that hated the huggers...the hug we shared was genuine...real...substantial. it was good.

[poetryandlyrics]

Touch... Yes, like someone said, I did lack touch growing up with my parents... Touch is a part of my culture. It is expected. And that culture is on my mother's side of my family. As I hardly see that family, even more so when I became older. it is expected when I go over there. Maybe that's why I like spending time with them. Touch is a part of me. Whenever I visit, I have to give everyone a hug and I do mean everyone. When I leave, I have to do the same. That's the obvious thing, I suppose. But my SO, when he met my family, he noticed more than me of how touch is a part of them. We're just comfortble with touch. We sit on each other, pick up someone, poke, prod, playfully shove, sometimes even dance, and I got smacked (playfully, mind you) with a wooden spoon. When I went to my high school, where my culture is their culture as well. It's my mother's culture in my high school. Touch (not anything to worry about) is obviously seen if I think about it. It's a close, tight knit community over there. Like family. Seriously. My friend/former classmate would kitten sit and house sit a teacher's house, we call everyone by their first name, knew everyone by name, face, or both. I even have this memory of going back to school after hours, forgetting a project of mine, and when I went to my locker, I saw both of my principals holding hands to skip out f school, just skipping. They aren't in a relationship with each other, lol. Friend moment. It's a community. I like it.

 

 

Touch is needed for me in my relationships. It's my love language anyway. I hug my friends. I do more than that with my SO. He's less on touch. But I don't mind. When I ask for a hug, he gives me a good hug and I can feel the touch. He likes to hold hands so that's his touch. I do notice some hugging in his family and the similar playful mannerism but lacking in touch as mine. Maybe if his family was more on touch to start with, he would. But he didn't have my culture to encourage. He knows I require touch. He does try and his playful self alike to his family mannerism, can have touch.

 

The strange thing tho, while he hugs less, I like to be able to ask for a hug to receive one from him, be able to feel the amount of touch I need.

[chickydoodle]

Spiritual/ Energy Healers use touch so I guess there is a life force communicated through touch.

A therapist I felt uncomfortable with ( someone gave me a gift voucher) gave me his hand once and asked me what did I feel. I squirmed and blushed and said ' a hand?- wrong answer . I had to try again. I said 'I dont know' - v. exasperated by it all. He said try again.....I said "LIFE?"

 

Aparently that was the right answer

[Cheetarah]

definitely in agreement. touch as an insincere gesture is empty. there's no substance to it. a formality...a tap...a brief embrace...no squeeze. what's the point? really. what's the point.

 

Yeah, what is the point. Just wave to me in that case. My friend's sister, she gives me greeting 'hugs'. But they're more like, the one arm jobs with the finger tap on the shoulder. Actually, the whole family is like that. They were not physically expressive growing up. My mother was, whereas the rest of my family wasn't. I was a lot like the rest of my family for a long time. Until I felt like I was gypping myself.

 

I am affectionate with my pets, as well. Although I do have one dog who is so human-like it's scary(lays under the blankets, on pillows, who I taught to smile and give hugs..lol), touching them is as therapeutic(no...necessary..?) as human touch. They have that same soothing effect.

[itsallgrand]

This is interesting to put it this way. It's one of those things that in way, is obvious, but in practical terms I often forget. Something to put on my radar now and put more effort into.

 

Yeah, sometimes I do run on a touch deficit and it IS very noticeable. I get really grumpy.

[quirky]

What an interesting topic..

 

I am a huge touchy/feely person. I become withered without physical contact. I am most often the person to initiate it and I spread it to friends, colleagues, roomates and plants too. If I am particularly close to someone like best friends, partner and family I often jump at them excitedly when I see them ! I stroke plants, leaves and flowers a lot too because I think we're all in this life together and I want to say hello in my human way. I will most likely hug one person a day. Most people are usually quite open to hugs and they say it's refreshing and some say that I'm one of the few to hug them..truly, this surprises me so much. I think we get cought up so much on unimportant accomplishments that we lose touch with our basic human needs which is to be close to each other and nature.

 

If I am terribly honest.. and I know this won't go down great..I sometimes feel sorry for people that are uncomfortable with other's touch.. To me it shows a closedness, a prolonged loneliness, a separateness, a fear that I cannot understand or relate to. When I need my space it's more often in the form of silence not distance. Really, I am not saying this to offend, just we're all different and for me it doesn't represent me, would be a waste to feel separated from others.

 

It was actually Buscaglia's books that made me very open to other people..I read a few of them when I was 16-18, they touched me on a profound level. I remember back then I learned to open myself up to talk to strangers on the bus, help others, show appreciation to life and your loved ones and listen when beauty speaks. When you learn to love life and appreciate the little miracles it offers, you then feel part of it cos you observe it, you know it inside out. When it flows freely through you eventually you become LIFE and then you're ONE with the world.

 

I know all this may sound irrelevant but it's actually very linked to the comfort we feel with each other on a physical and emotional level.

[The_Seeker]

Reminds me of the 5 languages of Love.

 

Physical touch is important to a lot of people while the other 4 languages are way more important.

[90_hour_sleep]

seems reasonable to suggest the link with culture/childhood. it's the place where we form our primary perception of the world around us. it shows us how to connect in a way...or how to disconnect...whichever.

 

this could take a bit of a turn, ethereal. from touch...to community. because i think it has so much to do with that. in many parts of the world there is a growing disconnect (quite contradictory from your experience!). a shift away from integration...and a move towards degradation (or rather, a continued reinforcement of taking and absorbing without reciprocation). we interface with the world in such a way that we're constantly attempting to mold it to our own will...to bend and shape and alter...but often with disregard for the effect such an interfacing has on our surroundings.

 

the reason i bring it up is because i've been noticing a connection with this and my need/expression for/of touch. there was a time in my life where i was shut off to just about all touch. i still needed it...and sought it out in certain areas of my life. but on the whole, i was very much disconnected. i was separate from everyone. focussed almost exclusively on me...and my plan...and my own self-absorbed tendencies. i still am to a great extent. but it's different now. there's a new awareness. i don't enjoy my self-absorption...or find comfort in it. it doesn't feel like a necessary progression in my life...like it's giving me anything (or giving anyone else anything, which it clearly doesn't). if anything, it feels like the grandest of human delusions...''look out for ME and everything will feel marvelous.''. not true in my experience. and resoundingly so, i might add. and i think when i was more in the grips of my own insanity, i took a certain PRIDE in feeling this disconnect. ''i don't need anyone. i'm an independent entity...free from the collective turmoil. touch is for people who are weak...people who cannot thrive of their own accord.'' pride. i can't tell you the number of people i pushed away while operating under the influence of this particular delusion. i'm sure i was okay with it. i functioned. i survived. and i worked tirelessly to convince myself of the 'rightness' of it all. but there was an underlying discontent...an unease almost...that was trying to tell me how out of touch i'd become.

 

i think people pursue relationships because of this need for touch. while there are varying degrees...it's a huge part of why we connect. if we didn't need this particular connection, why would we -- often relentlessly -- pursue sexual relationships? why the need for that physical closeness? why not just live with friendships? but then...even friendships often have an enhanced quality when there is some sense of physical connection. a touch...a smile...a gesture. we actually communicate through our touch. our bodies have a voice of their own. the same way our bodies often bely our innermost thoughts...people who are receptive to this form of communication can FEEL something beyond the level of thought and verbal expression.

 

i relate to your SO. a part of my identity has always been someone who doesn't need copious amounts of touch. it's awesome that you are able to communicate with him what your needs are...and that his is responsive to that!! love this, ethereal.

[mhowe]

My bf once told me I give great hugs...."you hug like you really mean it". And I thought, "how else would you do it?"

[90_hour_sleep]

Spiritual/ Energy Healers use touch so I guess there is a life force communicated through touch.

A therapist I felt uncomfortable with ( someone gave me a gift voucher) gave me his hand once and asked me what did I feel. I squirmed and blushed and said ' a hand?- wrong answer . I had to try again. I said 'I dont know' - v. exasperated by it all. He said try again.....I said "LIFE?"

 

Aparently that was the right answer

 

smug smiley!! i need to archive that one for future use.

 

life might've been the right answer...but somehow it loses it's significance when it's almost forced upon you, doesn't it? as i see it, the whole point of a question like that is to stretch you a bit...to encourage you to look at something in a different sort of light.

 

my mom has a friend who is a 'healing touch' practitioner. she's had some remarkable results. i think such things are often relegated to the realm of the mystical...and as such aren't always given much in the way of credibility. but is the fact that we cannot see something proof of its non-existence? i always think back on the things that i once felt were concrete...and how many of those things have changed. consider the masses once upon a time, convinced without a doubt of the flat nature of the earth. our beliefs are powerful...often powerfully limiting, aren't they?

 

was this therapist of a 'spiritual' influence?

[90_hour_sleep]

My bf once told me I give great hugs...."you hug like you really mean it". And I thought, "how else would you do it?"

 

the formal...empty...i'm-doing-this-because-i'm-supposed-to hug. ugh. consider yourself fortunate if you don't know what it means to hug with emptiness. there's nothing expressive or warm about it at all. if anything...it reinforces feelings of disconnect.

 

hug like you means it! always! and it's completely infectious. people NOTICE the difference. spread your warmth.

[mhowe]

the formal...empty...i'm-doing-this-because-i'm-supposed-to hug. ugh. consider yourself fortunate if you don't know what it means to hug with emptiness. there's nothing expressive or warm about it at all. if anything...it reinforces feelings of disconnect.

 

hug like you means it! always! and it's completely infectious. people NOTICE the difference. spread your warmth.

 

I have given him a mantra --- he was not a "good" hugger when we first got together --and he has become world class:

 

"Pat the dog, squeeze the girl".

[90_hour_sleep]

Yeah, what is the point. Just wave to me in that case. My friend's sister, she gives me greeting 'hugs'. But they're more like, the one arm jobs with the finger tap on the shoulder. Actually, the whole family is like that. They were not physically expressive growing up. My mother was, whereas the rest of my family wasn't. I was a lot like the rest of my family for a long time. Until I felt like I was gypping myself.

 

I am affectionate with my pets, as well. Although I do have one dog who is so human-like it's scary(lays under the blankets, on pillows, who I taught to smile and give hugs..lol), touching them is as therapeutic(no...necessary..?) as human touch. They have that same soothing effect.

 

 

 

pets. i've noticed something similar. i sleep better with a better nuzzled up against me. better than a 'mate' in many regards...because it leaves me free for sprawling and cover hoarding.

 

do you suppose the one-armed-finger-tap hugs are ever warranted? are there situations where this makes sense? where it's a more moderate form of connection which is deemed acceptable? hard to say. i'm just going by my own experience. and that experience has shown me that i get NOTHING from such exchanges. nothing. probably because i'm not giving anything either. can any exchange that has been habituated in such a way that it's become insincere ever be satisfying for anyone?

 

i'm sure there are degrees. so, perhaps it depends on the nature of a relationship. what if you could add something to that relationship with a little extra squeeze? and if you don't want to add to that relationship...why the need to facilitate someone with insincerity?

 

i'm not sure these questions have answers...