Is there a chance for us after being rejected once ?

[euphoria24]

I am interested in contacting an ex of mine that I knew in 1999. We dated for 6 weeks and drifted apart because I moved away from his country.

 

Kept in touch with a few emails through the years.

 

Contacted him in 2005 whilst I was married and we ended up having an affair.

 

I left my husband, because I thought it was not right for me to stay in a relationship where I had feelings for someone else.

 

I told him how I felt about him and he said he did not feel the same way as me and that he was in love with someone else.

 

I kind of became obsessed with him and scared him away.

 

In 2008 I checked myself into therapy and psychiatry per the advice of some people on this site. I did not contact him from 2008-2011.

 

In 2011 we had a brief online encounter, but nothing really. I have left him alone as he has requested.

 

I am interested to know if he would be willing to open back up to me knowing that I have changed and realized a lot about life. That I only love one person.

 

 

 

It is 2012. I am still wondering if we may end up together someday in the not too distant future. I'd like to know how he feels about me, if he feels the same way about me that I feel about him, but I dont want to push it.

 

I would like to be with him. He helped me through a very tough time from 2006-2008 through online forums since we live in different countries. He was a good friend. I tried to show him my love, but I went overboard and scared him away.

 

Now is the present moment and I want to know how things stand. I am curious if there may be a future for us because he IS the love of my life.

 

I have dated many, had relationships, marriage, therapy, counseling, medication, everything I could do to try to move on. My heart tells me that there is a reason that these feelings still persist and Id like to make contact.

 

How do I make contact? Or do I leave it. I need to make myself and my feelings be known.

 

Help.

:strawberry:

[calichick007]

Oh, honey. If he asked you to leave him alone just last year, I think his feelings are more than clear. I would absolutely leave him alone as he asked you to do.

[OracleofDoom]

Go in indirectly. Contact him about something that has nothing to do with your relationship. You need to be a challenge...declare your love and you'll scare him away...you control the rhythym of the communication.

[euphoria24]

Oh, honey. If he asked you to leave him alone just last year, I think his feelings are more than clear. I would absolutely leave him alone as he asked you to do.

 

 

Yeah, I understand that , I know deep in my heart that that is what I need to do.

[EricaNicole]

I wish I could tell you that there's hope for the two of you, but it's true that if he made it clear that he wants you to leave him alone, he's not likely to change his mind, especially in only a year.

 

If you absolutely must contact him, I'd go with OracleOfDoom's suggested method. Approach it as just catching up. Don't bring up your feelings and see where it goes. Being able to communicate as friends is the first step.

[calichick007]

Based on your post history, I think it's doubtful you'll be able to get in touch with him without discussing your feelings or becoming obsessed again. What triggered him telling you to leave him alone last year?

[ToF]

Now is the present moment and I want to know how things stand. I am curious if there may be a future for us because he IS the love of my life.

 

This will sound harsh, but I think you're deluding yourself. You DO know how things stand, because he told you. He explicitly told you to leave him alone. I understand that you have feelings for him. I understand you believe there is something special in store for the two of you ... But he doesn't.

 

If you made contact with him, what do you expect would be the outcome? What would you say to him?

[mhowe]

He may be the love of YOUR life, but you are not the love of HIS.

 

If you persist in this, you will get hurt. It is delusional.

[dumPI]

did you dump him back in 1999?

[abitbroken]

If he had an affair with you while you were still married, what makes you think he respects marriage? Why would you want a guy like that? I think it is less about thinking he is the "one" and more about the regret of having left your husband...and then he is not there waiting for you. It feels like you were "supposed" to be together or he owed you to wait. I would continue support groups, counseling, and try to pick the pieces of your life up and try to move on. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would already be with you.

[euphoria24]

did you dump him back in 1999?

 

We were sort of drifting apart and he had made it clear that he couldn'nt make things go further if I was not going to be able to stay in his country ' you are leaving in 3 months ' he used to say : )

 

The pressue was too much for me, I did meet someone else and sent him a text ' I'm in love with some one else take care'

 

he called me on the Day I was supposed to leave the country December 13th ! He said he just wanted to say hello and wish me well. His voice sounded fragmented and sad and dissapointed. It was sad.

 

I called him on new years eve where he goes skiing every year, he did not answer.

 

I sent him a letter in spring that got lost in the mail.

 

we maid contact the following April, I found his email he put me on his mass forward list.

 

he sent me his phone number the following fall, but because I was dating someone else at the time I did not call him.

 

when I saw him in 2006, he said ' WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ????

[ToF]

Have you decided what you're going to do?

[euphoria24]

Have you decided what you're going to do?

 

I asked him he wanted to get married have kids together once in for all. I asked him this morning. :soap:

[calichick007]

Please tell me you aren't serious.

[euphoria24]

I am serious. After years of NO CONTACT, what else is there left to say at the tip of your heart and mind ? I can wait forever and a day for an answer.

[ToF]

You ... Wait ... So you admit to having been obsessed with him and scaring him away, and now you do this?

 

I'm concerned about your state of mind at the moment. Are you still in therapy?

[euphoria24]

You ... Wait ... So you admit to having been obsessed with him and scaring him away, and now you do this?

 

I'm concerned about your state of mind at the moment. Are you still in therapy?

 

I did the only thing I knew how to do. Say what I feel. What should I have done in your opinion ? Nothing?

[ToF]

I did the only thing I knew how to do. Say what I feel. What should I have done in your opinion ? Nothing?

 

The ONLY thing you knew how to do, was to ask him to marry you and have your children? After he'd already asked you to leave him alone?

 

Sorry, I'm not buying it. That was not your only option. In my opinion, you should have done whatever you could to avoid asking him to marry you. You've been down this road before, you know how it turned out. You know he asked you to leave him alone. I am all for expressing our feelings, catharsis, and being honest about our emotional states. But we also have a very sophisticated forebrain, developed for rational thought and decision-making. You seem to have left this forebrain out of the loop when deciding to send that message. I also understand that sometimes we do crazy things that make absolutely no sense. But you've been there, done that, and it's waaaayyy past the time to keep making these mistakes. Don't you think?

 

So, no. I don't think you should have done nothing. I think you should have done something that would help you move past this delusion.

[euphoria24]

 

So, no. I don't think you should have done nothing. I think you should have done something that would help you move past this delusion.

 

 

What should I have done to help me past this delusion? You are saying I should have communicated something with him, but not exactly what I said in my message ?

[ToF]

No, you shouldn't have communicated anything with him. Am I incorrect in thinking he asked you to leave him alone?

 

Some of your options included: Write it out in a journal, talk to a friend or family member about it, call your therapist, post on this website, go for a walk to clear your head, take a nap, get a really good book to read ... Anything.

[elephants]

Or you could have communicated with him, but with something less intense? Maybe you could have asked him out first for a friendly lunch or something?

[mg22]

Did he answer to your proposal?? and why would you ask him? Just because you went NC dosent mean his life is on hold. He might be in a relationship and i think its totally wrong of you to assume he's waiting for you. He asked you once to leave him alone, iam sure if he wanted you he would have called you !

[browneyedgirl36]

Soooo....what was his response to your proposal?

 

Just wondering.

[euphoria24]

HE WROTE:

 

Hey – I'm sorry if I've upset you.

 

 

Can you explain what our problems are as a starting point hun ?

 

 

x

___________________________________________

 

 

 

 

I WROTE:

 

Date: Sunday, 24 June, 2012 3:41 AM

 

 

Lol! : )

 

Hope you are well !

 

I love you and I want to fix our problems.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HE WROTE:

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2012 10:07:39 +0800

 

 

That’s one way.

 

 

Good to see you haven't changed !! Lol

___________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I WROTE:

Date: Tuesday, 19 June, 2012 6:00 AM

 

 

 

I know I am being way too forward, but I just said the only thing I knew to say to break the ice.

 

 

 

 

 

> Subject: Re: Good morning!

 

HE WROTE:

 

> What ?

>

>

I WROTE:

> On 15 Jun 2012, at 20:43>

> > I am ready to get married to you and have kids together once in for all.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Sent from my iPhone

[euphoria24]

THEN I RESPONDED WITH THIS :

 

 

 

First of all I am a little in shock and surprised and (very very happy x) that you have responded to my communication with such care and affection. I was under the impression that you wanted to have nothing to do with me ….

 

I guess that’s a starting point ? x

 

We have very good memories from London in 1999 and I because I had to leave London, left thinking that there was no hope for a future together. I thought I would never see you again.

 

 

In 2005 when we got back in touch, coming to see you in London was honestly the happiest day of my life. I had heId back and repressed so many feelings for you through the years not being confident in a possibility for us together. It had always been in my imagination, us, but now I am in wonder if there could be a reality for that. The reality of the trip..It turned out that I was a very conflicted and confused and married woman and did not help the situation. My world fell apart, my marriage and my career.

 

I have been a lot better although I don’t know if I will ever fully recover although I believe that I have come a long way. I went on medication and therapy in 2008 as a means of getting over you and wanting to have nothing with you ever again. I felt as though you were a source of pain, of unrequited love. I thought you were trying to tell me that I was bipolar and I went into treatment, believing you…I have since weaned off of the medication this spring, although I still have great trouble sleeping at night. I am trying to sort out my problems so I can sleep.

 

I don’t want to leave things unanswered with you and want you in my life and not only in my head. I am getting better and I hope and pray every day that I do. I am in a much better place today and have picked back up the pieces and It did not sit well with me the way we left things between us, with an uneasey feeling, like honestly, I felt as though you hated me and wanted me out of your life and never fully quite understood why. I feel like you shoved me out of your life because I was still in a marriage and a very conflicted woman. ..basically nothing except feelings of unworthiness, rejection, hatred, and sadness.

 

Me.. basically becoming obsessed ( The reason I became obsessed: I never truly believed in my heart in you, that maybe you could have felt the same way about me as I did about me. Your actions showed differently than your words. You preached no contact as a method of getting back with your ex and by you ignoring me , to my scientific mind that says that you want to get back together with me ! lol, even though we never were really exes LOL! I tried to express to you that I shared your feelings of wanting to get back together. I showed through my actions by divorcing, but it turned out that I still had a long way to go…and you ignoring me completely, even slamming the door in my face in summer of 2007. I want to apologize too if I upset you by visiting unannounced. I wanted you back in my life desperately back then. I was very upset that you continuously rejected and ignored me in the past, but now you have not, has anything changed on your part?

 

You did tell me once that you are a different person than you were in 1999, is that true? Do you hold feelings of resentment towards me? I know that you care about me. You were there for me indirectly through my difficult times so much more than anyone else and I want to thank you for that. I never intended to use you,I came to see you in London in 2005 with feelings of true love but I was not confident back then. I did not believe my ears when you said that you would have at one point your life married me. The shock of your acceptance sent me into denial, the shock that I actually could have gotten everything I ever dreamed about if only I had believed a bit more.

 

How do you feel about me now, do you want to leave me in the past or do you want to be in each other’s lives again ? We have always been each other’s fantasies I guess…Do you think there is a reality for us in the future ? I want you real in my life and you are so far away physically, but close to me in my heart in spirit and affection.

 

 

You are a muse in my life. My feelings for you have stayed with me since 1999 either repressed or on the surface, but you have always been with me. I never want to tarnish that. I am glad that you have been there for me, I am grateful to you for your kindness.

 

 

I guess that’s a starting point ? x