msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Oh! Maybe I should hire a mad scientist? It could help the conversation lulls. But yeah, our problems are a little deeper probably. This is how it manifests though...I eventually lose my cool with these little things and have to get away from her for a few hours. Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 So what about this-Suck it up till it gets a little bit closer to august? I mean...at this point I'm decent at being miserable for extended periods of time. just a little bit longer.... It could be like training for a marathon of misery Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 How would you know? Break up with her NOW. She will have to figure out on her own. She's a human being not a puppy. One, if you're complaining or whatever, then that's just shows you're growing resentment of HER. So do yourself a favor. Think what you are going to say and need to say. Then break up with her. Be CIVIL with her. Move out. NC. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 So what about this-Suck it up till it gets a little bit closer to august? I mean...at this point I'm decent at being miserable for extended periods of time. just a little bit longer.... It could be like training for a marathon of misery Yea suck it up. Stay until the lease is over so you can focus on your studies. Stop letting the emotion getting the best of you. You sound lie a child throwing temper tantrums. Training of a marathon of misery is nothing compared to people whose life is stolen aka refugees, sex slaves, child labor etc etc. People are in WAY WORST situations than you are right now. Focus on your priorities. Stop worrying about what ifs'. Just do instead of all talk. Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 point taken. thank you much Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 point taken. thank you much Good. Good luck. Everything is going to be fine. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I dated this girl. I'm pretty certain of it. We should totally hook fingers, brother. Link to comment
Flyers Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Your gf sounds exactly like my ex husband. Yes, we had deeper issues -- but, I often times found myself being super annoyed with him. At the end of the day, I would feel bad for snapping at him about stupid things. Despite being a dude, he had a lot of the same tendencies as your gf. He would talk in a baby talk tone sometimes, would always do what I wanted and never brought anything new to the table, never understood my humor, didn't really have any sense of humor, was needy and generally wasn't the man in the relationship. After a few years post divorce, I still think he's a really great guy. He would have done anything for me. Our relationship had other problems, but the issues I just mentioned only compounded the issue. I just wasn't happy with him and I didn't have really good concrete answers to back it up. My friends and family thought he was the nicest guy ever and couldn't believe that I wanted a divorce. He is one of the nicest guys ever, but it's a different story being in a romantic relationship with someone like this. A partner is supposed to challenge us, make us want to be a better person and they should make your life better than if you were alone. You're not married. Sounds like you're fairly young (mentioned being in school). Unless you really, really love this girl, I'd get out. It's not going to get better unless you really put a ton of effort into it. It's not fair to her if you're getting annoyed by things that are somewhat insignificant from an outside view. Sucks that you're broke, but this shouldn't be a reason to stay together. Get some roommates, move out and do everything in your power to be kind to her. Don't leave her hanging and don't spring a break up on her moments before moving out. She probably has no idea you're contemplating a break up -- therefore, you have an advantage in working out your feelings and exit strategy. Yes, this will probably have a profound effect on her, but you deserve to be with someone who fulfills you long term. Treat her the way you'd want to be treated in a reverse situation. Despite what other people may say or think, this is ultimately your life and you should be happy with who you're with. Good luck... Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Amen-my family loves her, which makes it so much more difficult. As opposed to my last girlfriend (off 6-7) years who I had very high hopes for and my family really did not like. And no, I haven't been stretched at all in this relationship...I haven't been pushed to try anything new or be better in any way, other than a test in my patience and lots of questioning my own sanity. You also mentioned having to work really, really hard at this to make it work. I feel like I've given it all I've got. It's been almost 2 years. And yes, I'm fairly young (25), though I'm no teenager that's for sure. A few grey hairs later, I think I'm pretty drained. Like The Seeker mentioned earlier, and rightly so, it's probably time to stop complaining and start doing. I will most likely give it another couple of months for financial and academic reasons (I have waited this long anyway), then make the leap unless there is some sort of miracle. Another side bar-anybody know how to anticipate that crappy feeling you get when you drop the bomb on your partner? I hate forcing the words "we need to break up" out of my mouth. I can still feel the way I felt when I told my last girlfriend those words, and then the immediate irrational regret (even though I knew it had to be done). Good stuff Link to comment
Tia Emma Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 You will break up with her, no doubt. But would be nice if both of you learn something about yourselves. Relationships are like mirrors, they make us look at ourselves, who we are, what we need. You will need this info in your future relationships. Same for her. From the little info I got from your posts, I think this is the reverse gender version of guys saying that girls don't want nice guys. You don't want a nice girl. You want someone to stand up to you and be more of a challenge. You want someone... not so nice. Maybe a girl who's a bit more selfish and edgy? I also think she brings out the sadist in you. A lot of us have a sadistic side that comes out when we're stressed, and the punching bags in our lives, well, they make us snap at them! As long as we are aware of what we are doing to our loved ones, we can control it. Since she seems to bring out the worst in you, better let her go asap. Link to comment
Celadon Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 OP, your gf sounds like a guy I dated. I really relate about the "being challenged" thing. He did challenge me in one way: physical fitness. He was more in shape than I was, and he got me to exercise. He didn't tickle my mind much, though. The irony was that up until then, I'd only dated guys who talked a lot, had lots of exciting things happen in their lives, and I felt as though I was the quiet, bland one. When the roles were reversed, though, it was hard for me to be the "exciting" one in the relationship, lol. I kept trying to get him to tell me his thoughts.... Link to comment
Flyers Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Gotta admit, I stuck it out for a while in order to line up alternate living arrangements, finances, details, etc. But I absolutely did not leave him in a bad situation financially or otherwise. We actually lived together for a couple months after I dropped the bomb. There is no easy way to let her know you no longer want to be in the relationship. It's going to suck no matter how you approach it -- just be prepared for that. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I also think she brings out the sadist in you. A lot of us have a sadistic side that comes out when we're stressed, and the punching bags in our lives, well, they make us snap at them! As long as we are aware of what we are doing to our loved ones, we can control it. Since she seems to bring out the worst in you, better let her go asap. This is a pretty insightful bit. I can relate, because there is something about docile people that -- even if they are extremely nice and good-hearted -- seems to scream "apathy" (your word, and it's a good one), which brings out a restless irritation/somewhat aggressive edge in me, that I then feel guilty about. This temperament is just not compatible with mine, except on a light friendship basis. There's a happy medium between selfish/hardened and fawning/play-doh-y. Too much in one direction or the other doesn't work with me, even though I prefer people who are kind and overly "soft", (even by a longshot) if I had to choose, over people who aren't kind and edgy. It's just that I wouldn't want to live with or date either. I don't think it's just the baby talk or the irritating mannerisms -- it's the total package. You aren't stimulated by her, you don't find an intellectual equal in her, you're bored, and you see her as a drag on you. You're not a jerk. You're just not well-suited. So you have to end this. You can't communicate about some things and make them better. This is not a communication issue -- it's an essential incompatibility. I vote for your idea of just sucking it up until it gets closer to August. It's *only* four more months. Just be sure you time it so that she has ample notice to decide what she's going to do to line up an alternative living arrangement when you break the news. So make sure that you're not leaving her high and dry. I don't think there's any good way to break such news. No magic words to make it hurt less, only words that can make it hurt more. So as long as you treat her with kindness, I think you should strive for something straighforward and unapologetic (except to say you're sorry it's not working for you.) You don't have to go into all the mannerisms that bother you, because these aren't "faults" or things she's likely to "learn from." You can just say that your personalities are mismatched in ways that leave you feeling something is missing. You say you won't ever live with someone again unless you're engaged. But I think since you say you moved in for the wrong reasons (financial), maybe what you need to learn from this is that you move in with someone when you're much more sure of your dynamic with them and know that you'd like to live with them -- not as a practical tactic. You don't have to condemn living with someone, but you do have to move in with them for the right reasons. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Deleted -- double post Link to comment
delicous Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Wow, reading this makes me feel like "the annoying girlfriend" in ways.... I need to really get a grip... I think I don't have enough of "My Own Life" or something... Link to comment
Fudgie Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Break up with her but stick it out until August and just sleep in separate places. Link to comment
lost girl Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 man that was a super fast conclusion. wish i was a boy. Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 man that was a super fast conclusion. wish i was a boy. Hahaha well it's been about a year in the making. Really I (like most people) probably just wanted to some reassurance...you know, just so I had a little confirmation. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable and what not. Nothing has been done yet, and probably won't be done for a while. So I, like many many people out there, drag it out. The decision is made in my mind but won't leave there for a while. So keep it on the DL for me for a while, could ya? Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 I dated this girl. I'm pretty certain of it. We should totally hook fingers, brother. oh so YOU are that jerk ex boyfriend she always talks about? Well, no worries mate, I think I will be taking over that role in the near future. Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Good stuff from both you and 'tiredofvampires' (so am I by the way, unless it's Kate Beckinsale). very insightful indeed. She does bring out the bad in me-the fairly rude, short tempered side of me that I have always known but I have a pretty good hold on unless I am smothered by some situation with no outlet. Let me just put it this way-I realized a few weeks ago that we probably wouldn't still be together if we were not living together. Thus, I know now it is the right thing to move on. Since it is only almost April, I am thinking break the news (again, unless something magical happens) around June, then stick it out for June and July and that way there is fair warning come August. I also just realized all of this planning makes me kind of a huge A-hole...but what are ya gonna do. I haven't been happy for a long time...I'm 25 and really I don't remember myself being happy since high school when I didn't really worry about anything. I need this. The flip side is that I will be living by myself and will have to get through the adjustment period of living by myself for the first time ever and trying to get past the loneliness of it. But, I have always wanted to live on my own at least for a short period of time just to see what the independence would feel like. I do have a dog, who is good company. I'll just have top make sure I am there enough to give her a little attention (fairly important for me...I'm a vet student). My gf is always good about helping with her. ANYWAY, very good stuff. It is very apparent to me it is mostly a compatibility issue, and nothing more. The apathetic disposition kills me on a daily basis. It drive the Type A in me up the walls, even though I am usually a fairly 'live and let live' kind of person. I am not aggressive, but she makes me look like a young entrepreneur in every sense of the word (in life, not just career oriented goals). I wish we could be friends, but I have a feeling this is going to be messy. I drag my feet too much! Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Wow, reading this makes me feel like "the annoying girlfriend" in ways.... I need to really get a grip... I think I don't have enough of "My Own Life" or something... not necessarily...it's really all about compatibility. If you two get along, sharing a fair amount of each others' lives is kind of one of the goals, is it not? As long as you both want it, and you are sharing the life that you both want, then that's the right idea. On the other hand, if you don't have enough of your own life, and in turn are standing in the way of his (intentionally or not), then it's a problem. Like some pretty smart people on here mentioned before, it's all about compatibility and what works for your personalities. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 You know, what one person finds annoying and boring, another person may find adorable or wonderful. This sounds like a case of she just doesn't click right with you... you can go thru the motions with someone, but if you're already bored and annoyed after a couple years together it will never work. She probably needs to find a man who wants to be more of a 'daddy' to her and likes her baby talk etc., and you need to find a more independent woman you could consider an equal. So you're doing the right thing... she will probably be upset if she is the dependent type, but you are doing her a favor not having her waste investing more years with a guy who just doesn't care for her personality or style all that much. Just make sure to use condoms and good birth control if you're still sleeping with her... some dependent women will sense a man pulling away and get pregnant accidentally on purpose to keep him around. You might want to stop the sex entirely to prevent such a fate... i've know too many guys this has happened to when the woman wants the relationship and senses the guy pulling away so she turns up pregnant to try to bind him to her. That never turns out well with eventually breakups/divorces and 18 years of child support! Link to comment
Minx2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Even though she is annoying, you have a rather cold, heartless tweak about you. It's more than just " male PMS ". Obviously, the relationship is over and this is most likely attributed to the fact that you two are fundamentally different. For one thing, you are getting your professional licensing in something which means you are constantly surrounded by like-minded people who abide by their academic passions and may have a sense of "intellectual superiority". Baby talk between couples is, in fact, normal. You have been dating her for 1.5 years so this baby talk must have come out during the early parts of your relationship. You must have enabled this type of talk because judging from the type of person you SEEM to be, you could have said something to her the first time it ever came out...which leads me to suspect that you found it cute / adorable at one point in your relationship, but no longer now, as your feelings have changed. If you don't want to be cruel or heartless, then break up with her, as cleanly and quickly as possible. Right now, as you write this and complain about her in the way that you have, to a bunch of online strangers, can be deemed as a sign of cruelty. She doesn't even know what is being written about her by her own boyfriend. Link to comment
BeatrixKiddo Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 If you don't want to be cruel or heartless, then break up with her, as cleanly and quickly as possible. I agree with this. To string her along for another few months until August because of the living situation, being dishonest about how you feel, would be cruel and heartless. And VERY unfair and disrespectful to her. Link to comment
msara2217 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 fair enough. I understand that. FYI I would never talk like this to anybody that knows her or knows of her. This, to me, seems more like a journal...which can sometimes provide some good advice back. And yes, I can understand people thinking I am cruel and/or heartless by the way I am talking...this is me being very frank as opposed to trying to pretend I am fine with everything, which is what this site is intended for. Anyway, appreciate the input, thank you Link to comment
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