My girlfriend annoys me

[tiredofvampires]

I am one of those who recommended you wait to deliver the news that you're breaking up with her, so I'd like to add my two cents as to why I would not consider that heartless, disrespectful, or cruel.

 

As a rule, I favor honesty and forthrightness. I hate people stringing anyone along, pretenses, or calculations/manipulation, etc. So if you were dating her and living separately and uncomplicatedly, I'd say break up with her IMMEDIATELY.

 

However, what you said, OP, is that you have a joint lease. And that both of you are bound to this until August. This adds a layer of practical difficulty to a breakup. So you have a choice: either break the news now and BOTH of you (her, as well) endure 4 months of living hell being stuck in the same quarters together, or do damage control by waiting until there is less time to have to mutually endure that misery.

 

It does her no good to tell her right now. If it did, I would advise it. But she is not going to benefit, IMHO, from you dropping the bomb and then having to live with that festering wound for four months. If I were in her situation, I would find it kinder that you let me know you want to break up with me as close as possible to the time I could get you out of my sight. Before that time, if there is no alternative to getting you out of my sight, and we're just stuck in the same house, for me that's worse than living in ignorant bliss for another couple of months.

 

That's saying a lot coming from me, because if there is one thing that I DESPISE, it's the idea that I'm being lied to, even by omission, or that I'm living in ignorant bliss. But the truth is that you've broken up with her in your heart long ago. So one could claim you're already "disrespecting" her and being dishonest. The only thing that remains is the date you tell her that your heart is no longer in this. And in my view, due to the very uncomfortable practical concerns here, there will be less emotional fallout to subject yourselves to (again, this applies to both you AND her, equally) if you defer the announcement. When, exactly, you make this breakup official comes down to the least amount of mess you can make of it, because as I said, in your heart and mind, you're already gone.

 

Sometimes, the kinder route isn't what you'd think at first. Ultimately, I believe people need to be leveled with and told the truth -- but when you do that sometimes is a judgment call requiring more thought. All things have to be taken into account when you consider what is the kindest thing to do, and someone with the personality you described would ultimately be able to handle this better if you didn't subject her to 4 months of feeling rejected in her ex-lover's home, while continual tears and battles play out, destroying both your lives in the meanwhile.

 

I also do not think it's cruel to talk about your distressing feelings about a partner/relationship on a relationship help forum, just because one can empathize with your gf's impending heartbreak.

[Minx2012]

fair enough. I understand that. FYI I would never talk like this to anybody that knows her or knows of her. This, to me, seems more like a journal...which can sometimes provide some good advice back. And yes, I can understand people thinking I am cruel and/or heartless by the way I am talking...this is me being very frank as opposed to trying to pretend I am fine with everything, which is what this site is intended for. Anyway, appreciate the input, thank you

 

I don't know which is more cruel : Being frank with her in front of her face.....or to be frank in front of complete strangers, getting the idea of how your girlfriend is like a " dumb ", " apathetic ", " baby-talking " " puppy ". Good luck in breaking the news to her. However, I wouldn't wait till August. You're broke as a student but I'm pretty sure you can find some way to move out of the apt, even if you have to suck up the rest of the costs. Perhaps, that the least that you can do for her, broke student or not.

[anegret]

She deserves better--someone who doesn't find her annoying. In saying this, I'm not saying you're bad; it's just that you have a desire to not be with someone who does the things that she does that annoy you. It's time to move on. You said she's the sweetest girl in the world; it's time to treat the sweetest girl in the world properly and release her to the wild, let her have her own life apart from you. (I just broke up with someone who I consider very sweet, but I did it because I knew it wasn't right and that, in the long run, we wouldn't be happy.)

 

In a way, it's like putting a very ill pet to sleep. If your dog has liver failure and no hope of survival, do you keep it alive for your sake?

[msara2217]

She deserves better--someone who doesn't find her annoying. In saying this, I'm not saying you're bad; it's just that you have a desire to not be with someone who does the things that she does that annoy you. It's time to move on. You said she's the sweetest girl in the world; it's time to treat the sweetest girl in the world properly and release her to the wild, let her have her own life apart from you. (I just broke up with someone who I consider very sweet, but I did it because I knew it wasn't right and that, in the long run, we wouldn't be happy.)

 

In a way, it's like putting a very ill pet to sleep. If your dog has liver failure and no hope of survival, do you keep it alive for your sake?

 

Yep I see your point of course. I see everyone's points really. I obviously am struggling with this...ALL of it. If I should do it, when I should do it, how I should do it. The bottom line is-I still care about her deeply. I know that we're not right for each other and that I should probably break up with her, although I sometimes even go back on that decision in my mind as well. But if I care about her deeply, I don't really believe I am being very cruel to her. I care enough to consider how she is going to have to deal with this, when she may have the best chance to get me "out of her sight" as quickly as possible, and how she can move on from me. I am not solely waiting to break up with her because it is more convenient. She has nowhere else to go. She knows nobody else in this town. She hates her job because she is mistreated there. She doesn't make squat when she is there even though she works her ass off. She just found out TODAY that she did not get into the school program for next fall in which she thought she was a shoe in for (and so did I honestly). Her parents just got divorced, and her mom leans very heavily on her for support emotionally. Her mom just had to sell her childhood house because she isn't getting enough alimony. Her mom also just moved in with her aunt and uncle, and this takes away any chance for my girlfriend to leave here and move back in with her mom if she needs to (for 2 reasons-her aunt and uncle are pretty much elderly people-mid 70's- and will not be up for another person. plus my girlfriend has a large dog they will not allow). Her mother bought into this house with her aunt and uncle, so it's not like her mom can leave there immediately now and get an apartment with her. Her mom also refuses to get up and try to get a job because she hasn't worked since she was in her 20's (she is not 61). My girlfriend's siblings offer nothing, although they are well off.

 

SO-you can see my predicament. I am being dragged down daily by all of this because I simply cannot handle supporting her, trying to have my own life, trying to have some sort of relationship with her, and this professional program that requires 100% of my attention (I have gotten by my whole life academically on hard work-not my IQ, that is for sure).

 

I AM TRAPPED AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. So for anyone who thinks I am cruel-maybe you're right. Yes, she does deserve better than me-someone who would not say the things I previously did in this forum. But please understand, as many of you have sympathized, that I am doing the best I can. I know that right now is not the time. She cannot take any more heart break right now because quite frankly, life is * * * * ting on her left and right and I am all she has (as conceited as that sounds, it seems very apparent to me). I am doing my best to support her emotionally, because she needs it. So, I could argue that I am doing her some good. Yes, my heart may have checked out. However, she is still first in my life and I will treat her as such. I have not checked out in the sense that I will not be there for her because I know she would do the same for me and that she deserves someone to care for her. That much I can do because I am a human being. I cannot pretend, however, that I intend for this to last forever. THUS, I write on here as an outlet. And the fact that none of you know me, her, or anyone else involved in this makes that okay in my mind. I am sorry if you do not agree.

 

Thanks again everyone who has offered up their advice. It has helped me 1) stay sane 2)formulate more concrete thoughts 3) understand that I really am not alone in this, and thus the forum is properly named.